RYAN

 

My eyes flutter and I take a deep breath as I take in my surroundings. A warm body pressed against me, an unfamiliar scene startles me for a brief moment, then I look to see it’s Tillie and I remember last night. Her body moving with mine, the way we fit together, it was a beautiful harmony and it was perfect.

But as she lays here in my arms a sense of unease washes over me.

I like her. A lot.

I haven’t been with someone I like since Katie, and even though this feels right, a part of me still perceives that it’s wrong.

My breathing starts to quicken and my heart pounds in my chest rapidly as a bead of sweat forms on my temple. I’m contemplating what the hell this means and what I’m supposed to do right now, when Tillie shifts in my arms and looks up at me.

“Morning,” her angelic voice and big doe eyes, unfortunately, do nothing to soothe my rising panic.

“Hey,” I say with a weak smile.

Her smile falters as she pulls her bottom lip in by her teeth and scrunches her brows together, her hand comes up caressing my face and she looks me in the eyes. “You okay?”

Exhaling quite loudly, I follow that with a hard swallow. “Fine, just gotta do some stuff before I head into the studio today.”

She nods, her hand falling from my cheek. “Okay… so we’re going in together?”

I pull back from her, turning to get out of the bed. “No. I better go, but I’ll see you there.”

Tillie sits up watching me but says nothing while I start to get dressed. The fierceness of her glare is penetrating my back so I turn to face her. The glare is even worse front on. I wince, it’s not a hateful glare like I’d imagined, it’s worse than that, it’s pain filled.

“I’m sorry, but I gotta go. I did have a great time, though.”

Her eyes open wide as her nostrils flair. Shit! Now I’m making her angry. Again, I’m fucking this up. But my head is too foggy to try and fix this now. I need some space. “I’ll see you there?” I ask.

She exhales with a simple nod. “Yeah.”

“Right!” Grabbing my keys off the cupboard, I turn, stepping off without looking back, out of her room to her front door. I pause at the door debating whether to go back and apologize, tell her all about Katie and Maddie and how fucked in the head I am because of them. But instead, I turn the handle and walk out like the pussy that I am.

 

***

 

Oliver has called a meeting this morning so I’m here in the boardroom with Danger and Lunar waiting on the others. I haven’t seen Tillie come in yet, but she’s probably avoiding me. I would be avoiding me if I were her.

“So you didn’t come in last night,” Lunar says wiggling her eyebrows as Danger smirks.

Exhaling, I roll my eyes. “Your stalker tendencies astound me, Lunar.”

She giggles. “Hey, the house is so much quieter without you in it, so we know when you’re not there mister grumpy.”

“I’m not grumpy.”

“You’re a little grumpy, bro,” Danger says.

“I’m not fucking grumpy!”

“She didn’t put out even though you stayed over?” Danger asks.

My stomach flips and for the first time in a long time, I want to sucker punch him.

“Shut your face, prick.”

He puts his hands up in surrender and frowns. “Hey… was just kidding, Ry. You’re really tense, what’s going on?”

Running my hand through my hair, I slam my forehead down on the table and groan.

“Ryan, dude, talk to us,” Danger coaxes.

“I slept with Tillie, all right!” I moan then a clearing throat echoes from the doorway. As I raise my head, I see Tillie standing there red faced next to Oliver, Matt, and Nate. The room falls silent as I look to Tillie who’s purposely avoiding eye contact. My heart is racing so fast I’m worried it might burst right out of my chest as she straightens her posture, clears her throat, and walks in the room.

“I have some good news,” she says seemingly completely ignoring my outburst as she makes her way to the table, sitting down next to Lunar. She smiles at Tillie and Tillie weakly smiles back taking her seat and opening a folder. Oliver, Matt, and Nate all file in behind her taking their seats. She pulls out a headshot photo of Zaria and places it in the middle of the table, and everyone sits up a little taller at seeing the Hollywood A-lister. I smile genuinely, knowing what’s coming.

“So for the release of ‘Take my Breath,’ Zaria has agreed to come on board and be the starring lead in the music video. She needs to get back to us on when she can fit us into her tight schedule so the release of the song might have to wait a bit, but I believe it will be beneficial to have her on board with us.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Nate calls out.

I screw my face up at him. This was his idea and now he’s annoyed because what? We have to delay our release?

“Nate seriously? She’s worth waiting for,” I say.

He shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean… are you kidding me? This is amazing!”

Matt chuckles. “Fuck yeah! Zaria Shafir, she’s so goddamned hot, guys. Tillie, you’re incredible!”

She smiles and it’s the most beautiful smile in the world.

“I try.”

“While I have you guys. Jimmy Fallon’s crew rang—”

“What?” Danger interrupts Oliver.

“Let me finish. They saw the shit that went down with Debt Money online, listened to your music, and they want you to go on the show for an interview and to do a one song performance.”

We all look around at each other smiling like Cheshire cats.

“Fucking yeah!” Lunar calls out throwing her hands in the air and we all break out into fits of laughter.

“But you will all need to be on your best behavior… no swearing, no chewing gum…” he looks to me, “… no farting!”

I laugh while watching Tillie smirk. “It was the kale smoothies,” I defend myself and Danger laughs.

“Yeah, your body cleansing all the shitty food from your gut.”

“Hey, my guts is looking better than ever at the moment, thank you.”

“Tillie should know,” Nate calls out.

We all look at him and I glare while Tillie turns a bright shade of red. My fists clinch at my sides wanting to smack him out. She already feels shitty enough because of me this morning, she doesn’t need Nate embarrassing her about us too.

“Nate, bro, cool it will you?” Matt chides. Nate huffs and sits back in his chair as an awkward silence filters through the boardroom.

“So when’s Jimmy Fallon?” Danger breaks the tension.

“He wants you on tomorrow night, you’re filling in for a cancellation.”

“Awesome, this could be a good platform for us,” Nate says.

“It will be a great platform for you guys. So decide what song you want to play, make it a good one… you only get one shot to impress America.”

“Don’t worry, Oliver, we won’t waste this opportunity. We’ve been waiting years for this,” Danger says, and I look at him and nod. It’s taken a lot for us to get to this point, including the band breaking up, but it’s all been to get to this critical point. This one performance could break us once and for all into the American market.

“Okay, well, you guys go and rehearse or something. Get out of here, I’m sick of your faces,” Oliver says, and we all chuckle standing up. “Tillie, stay back, I want to discuss something with you,” Oliver calls out. I swallow hard glancing at her but she avoids my eye contact, sitting back down as the rest of us walk out of the room. I’m last out, so I shut the door and dawdle behind watching the others as they march next to each other not noticing I’m still by the door of the boardroom. Once they turn down the hall, I quickly lean against the door.

“So, is it serious?” Oliver asks.

“I don’t know what you mean?” Tillie replies.

“You and Ryan.”

She’s quiet for a moment then I hear her voice come through like she’s having trouble holding it together. “No, not serious. To be honest, I don’t even think he wants anything to do with me anymore.”

Oliver grumbles as my stomach twists.

That’s not true, I’m just a little confused.

“Are you okay to keep working with him?” Oliver asks.

“Yes… I mean, I think so. Just so long as he doesn’t go back to hating me.”

“Did you have a fight?”

My body slumps and I run my fingers through my hair, feeling like an ass for this.

“No, honestly… I don’t know what happened. We had a great time and then he got… weird. I think maybe he was using me. I was a trophy of some sort. You know get the girl who’s your enemy then ditch her. Maybe this was his plan all along, make me start to fall for him then hurt me so I’ll leave. Maybe he never liked me at all.”

I shake my head gritting my teeth so hard they squeal from the force. My temples throb from me clenching my jaw shut so tightly.

“If that’s what he’s doing then he’s a bigger douche than I thought. You’re a great catch, Tillie. If he can’t see that, that’s his loss. But by the same token you two have to work together, and if this is going to disrupt the flow we might have an issue.”

“I know, I love working with Recoil and you. This is the best job I’ve ever had, and to be honest, it’s not even like a job to me I love it so much. But if push came to shove and I needed to, I would leave for the sake of the band. They’re what’s important after all.”

“Thanks, Tillie. I know this sucks and hopefully, it will never have to come to that. Let’s just see where Ryan’s head is at in the next couple of days and reassess.”

“Okay…” Her voice is broken like she’s lost all the fight in her. I hate that I’ve done that to Tillie. Just because I’m lost in my own mind. I need to sort my shit out because hurting Tillie is not something I want to do.

“Right, back to work. Chin up, and try not to let this get you down.”

“Yes, boss.”

I hear the chairs rolling on the floor, so I step back from the door to the other side of the hall and just stand there. I’m not sure what I’m going to say or do when they open the door, but I need to do something.

The door creaks open and Tillie steps out, looks up and spots me then stops dead, causing Oliver to run right into her back.

“Tillie what the—” He stops, looks forward and sees me, then steps to the side. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

“Thanks, Oliver.”

I step forward reaching out for her, but she pulls back and looks away from me. A deep pain stabs in my chest. “Tillie, I’m sorry.”

She looks up at me and frowns. “For what?”

“For being a fucker. This morning, I was… Fuck! I was a dick. I’m sorry for that. I’m lost in my own head worrying about things that shouldn’t matter, that probably don’t matter, and I’m taking it out on you.”

She purses her lips. “What things?”

Swallowing hard, I’m not ready to tell her about Katie yet. “It doesn’t matter, but what does matter is us, our connection is real. It’s intense, it’s scary, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. It’s new to me, Tillie… I’m scared to let you in.”

She furrows her brows stepping closer. “You can’t be with someone completely until you let them in, Ryan.”

Sighing, I nod. “I know, I’m working on it. Trust me.”

“Why did you leave?”

Slumping, I grab her hands and hold them tight looking straight in her eyes. “I got scared.”

“Of what?”

“Falling for you.”

“Would that be so bad?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think so, I think it could be really good. I just… it’s hard this whole relationship thing. I haven’t done it for such a long time, I think I’ve forgotten how it works.”

She purses her lips and steps closer to me. “Ryan, nothing’s easy and I’m not looking for a proposal here, I just want to be able to trust that you’ll not run out on me after we have a beautiful time together. Do you know how cheap that made me feel?”

I rub my face with my hands in frustration. “Fuck,” I murmur to myself as I drop my hands with an exacerbated sigh then look at her. “I didn’t mean to do that. I was freaking out in my own head. It’s not that I didn’t want to wake up next to you, Tillie. It’s that it felt so good, I got scared that it would be taken from me. That feeling… you in my arms… it astounds me, and I got so scared I’d lose it that instead, I ran like a fucking wimp.”

Tillie’s gaze softens. She looks into my eyes bringing her hand up to my face caressing my cheek tenderly. “I’m not going anywhere. Trust in me, Ryan. I’m pretty sure you’ve been hurt before, badly too, but I’m not going to do that to you.”

Sighing, I lean into her hand and relish in her warmth. “You’re too good for me, Tillie.”

“You’re not good enough to yourself.”

Tilting my head, I nod. “You’re probably right.”

“Of course I’m right.”

We both chuckle and she leans forward embracing me tightly, her head resting on my chest. I lean into her, wrapping my arms around Tillie, taking as much comfort from her as I can.

“Okay, let’s go to the studio with the guys and pick out a song for tomorrow. I’d love your input,” I say.

She looks up at me and smiles. “Thanks, that means a lot.”

“You’re part of this team now, Tillie, we value your input as much as anyone else’s.”

She laces her fingers with mine. “Well, this is a change. When I first got here, I never would have thought I’d hear you say something like that.”

“I know, I’m sorry about all that.” I start to walk us off.

“Stop apologizing. It’s forgotten, it was quite entertaining actually.”

We continue to the studio to meet the guys and Lunar.

 

TILLIE

 

The band had their interview with Jimmy and now they’re performing to the live studio audience. I’m streaming it from the side of the stage on their Facebook page and the likes and comments are going through the roof. I’m trying to keep up with the comments noticing a lot of people talking about how great the band is, how they’re new to Recoil after seeing the interview on Jimmy and how they absolutely love their sound. Being the multitasker that I am, I’m also checking sales on my iPad and the iTunes charts are rocketing, sending ‘Rise up’ up into the top ten on iTunes.

Oliver is busy talking on his cell as stats keep rolling in on Recoil’s increasing popularity and I’m super excited. The guys finish the song and the lights dim. They come toward me while Jimmy starts talking, and they all wave to the live streaming whispering “hi” to the camera phone, then I end the stream and let out an excited squeal as Ryan pulls me into his arms suddenly. His lips smash to mine and everyone around us chuckles as I pull back excitedly.

“Stop kissing me and listen to this,” I say, and he smirks letting me down with a nod and everyone looks at me. “You have a huge array of new followers on Facebook following the interview and performance. They were commenting on the stream. Your page likes went up so quickly I couldn’t keep count and, get this… Rise Up, is now number four in all of iTunes!”

They all just stare at me in silence, and I’m wondering straight away what the hell is going on with them. “Guys?”

“Wait,” Danger shakes his head like he’s not heard me right. “Did you say number four in all of iTunes?”

I giggle. “Yes, you idiot. Now get fucking excited will you, you’re freaking me out!”

“I think I’m gonna pass out,” Nate says.

Matt rolls his eyes as he pulls his brother in for a hug while everyone starts laughing and cheering.

Ryan pulls me in for another hug, embracing me so tightly I can scarcely breathe. I giggle as Danger and Lunar embrace too.

“This is all because of you,” Ryan murmurs into my ear.

I pull back looking in his eyes. “No Ryan, this is because you guys are amazing at what you do. I just helped the world see it.”

His eyes glisten and go a little glassy like he’s becoming emotional. I smile, leaning in to kiss him and he kisses me back with a strong confidence that lets me know he isn’t backing down this time.

“We need to go and celebrate,” Lunar says making me pull away from Ryan. I turn to see her hanging off Danger’s arm smiling wide.

Oliver comes over looking down on his iPad. “Guys, Rise Up just moved up two places… you’re number two.”

“Jesus Christ, now I’m really gonna fucking pass out,” Nate declares, and we all laugh.

“God, you’re a fucking pussy,” Matt calls out, and Nate shakes his head punching his brother in the arm. Hard. “Ouch, fuck head.”

“Don’t punch like a pussy, do I?” Nate quips, and I smirk as we all start heading out the back of the studio to go and celebrate.