Drowning in whiskey at the airport sounds like a perfect plan to me. After the morning I’ve had, copious amounts of hard liquor are most definitely called for. The ache in my fucking chest is damn near unbearable, and I can’t get the look of detachment on Ella’s face from my mind. She had already let me go from the moment she walked into that damn hotel room. Her mind was already made up. Nothing I could have said or done would have made her pick me.

I’m a lost cause destined to walk the earth alone. And I’m fucked if I’ll be looking for another woman to share my life with. Ella’s made it clear that love is something strictly for assholes. And I’m only going to make an asshole of myself once in this lifetime. No way am I falling for a woman again. I wasn’t soft as shit before Ella and I’m sure as hell not going to be soft as shit after her either!

Throwing down another gulp of whiskey, it burns in that delicious way down my throat making all my senses come alive. I wish they weren’t though, it should be numbing me not making me feel more. But everything is reminding me of Ella fucking Slade. We should be on the beach in Honolulu right now drinking Mai Tai’s and listening to hula music or some shit. But no, she’s too busy comforting Chad while I get ready to board another plane after getting off one merely an hour or so ago.

I hope she rots in hell.

Yes, you might say I’m an angry ex, but fuck if she hasn’t fucked up my life in its entirety.

When I say I left everything for her, I mean everything—my band, my life, my country, my family. I abandoned my entire life—for her.

And what do I get for that sacrifice?

Sorry, I choose Chad.

Fucking whore!

I was right to treat women the way I used to treat them—use and abuse—because all they want to do is fucking hurt you anyway. Evil succubae. They drain and suck the life out of you, take your soul and pull all your manliness out your ass until you’re a carcass of the man you once were and cowering at the thought of them leaving you because you’d do anything for them. She’s a siren, a witch, an evil sorcerer who put a spell on me, and I swear I will never fall for that again. No, from now on, women will only be in my life for one thing and one thing only—to fuck and forget.

No more attachments, no more falling for that special woman, that’s not me. It’s back to the old Danger, the rock star, pussy loving, chick magnet that I was idolized for. The man every man wanted to be and the man every woman ached to be with. Danger is back, and nothing will stand in my way, especially not a fucking woman.

Ever. Again!

 

***

 

Walking back into my house in England that I shared with Ella—after the day I’ve had—is not just tough but heart wrenching. I look around at the life we made together, the pictures on the wall, the furniture we picked, everything in here is us.

I cannot physically or mentally stand being here without her. I can’t stand being here period.

Breathing harshly, I head straight for our bedroom dragging behind me the suitcase I took with me for our vacation, and hoist it up onto our bed to empty it out. Then I turn and start to repack it again. This time instead of vacation items, I pack it with clothes and crap I really want to keep. I’m in a mad rush. I don’t want to be here any longer than necessary so I pack furiously.

Looking around our home one last time, I shake my head as I gaze at the engagement photos of us on the wall. We looked so happy together.

“I thought we were happy. I devoted my life to you and it still wasn’t enough.” I swallow hard as I clench my hand into yet another fist and punch the glass shattering the frame as it falls to the floor. My knuckles burn from the cuts but I don’t care, it doesn’t burn as much as the utter rage in my chest.

I need to go.

I can’t stay.

Even though I’m trying to be strong as fuck, it still hurts. I pick up my cell and call the only person I can think of who might be on my side.

The phone rings twice then he answers. “Rob speaking.”

Sighing at the sound of not only my boss’s voice but Ella’s agent, I murmur, “Ella left me.”

Rob’s quiet for a split second then I hear him sigh down the line. “I thought something was happening, Aston said you’d left Honolulu but wouldn’t tell me what was going on. Where are you?”

Rubbing the back of my neck to help with the kinks that have appeared back there, I look around the room again. “Back in England, but I’m about to leave to go back to the States… for good. I’m leaving the house and everything in it. Can you deal with selling it? Give Ella whatever she wants but sell everything else.”

He exhales down the line again. “Danger, I know this is a big deal. You and Ella breaking up is terrible, but you can stay in England you know. You‘re awesome at your job, I’ll hate losing you.”

“I can’t be here, Rob. I know I’m leaving without notice and I know I’m letting you down, but I need to go. I can’t…” My throat chokes up and I trail off as I close my eyes, gritting my teeth together, they squeal slightly from the tension.

“Okay, I understand. I’m devastated that this has happened to you and I’m sorry it turned out this way. I’ll give you a reference for any position you want in the States, but honestly, when I saw Recoil on tour with Slayed and Staked you guys were great. I think you should center all your energy on the band if they’ll have you back. You just need to refocus, and now without distractions in the way, you guys could be something great.”

“You really think so?” I haven’t thought about reforming Recoil in a long time because my life has been all about Ella, but now I guess I’m free to think about me and what I can do with my life for a change. Not what I have to give up to be with someone. Maybe now this is my time to shine?

“I do, Danger. Get back on the horse. Go and perform. Get back into music. You were born to be on stage, take it from someone who knows. And don’t worry, I’ll look after the house and everything here in England. You go and find yourself again.”

Finally smiling, I nod. Finding me again doesn’t sound so bad after all. Maybe there’s a bright side to this shit storm.

“Thanks Rob, I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome. Take care, Danger, and keep in contact.”

“Will do, see ya.”

“Ciao.”

Hanging up the cell, I feel like the only thing I can focus on is getting back to the States and reforming Recoil.

I just hope like fuck the boys will have me back.

 

***

 

All this flying in such a short amount of time is hard on the body. My muscles ache, and I’m sure there’s warnings about shit happening to my legs, but I just need to be home. My real home. Los Angeles, USA. It’s been a long time coming, and an even longer time since I’ve been back here. Living in the UK for the last year has been a big change for me, and being away from my band mates and family has been a big stepping stone in my life. A more than obvious step in the wrong direction mind you. I know that now. Hindsight is the mother of all bitches when she wants to be.

The cab pulls up out the front of my old home. I lived here with Ryan, my best friend and rock through many a tough time. I’ve missed him, the crazy guy who was always there to cheer me up no matter how somber my mood got. Ryan’s a character, always making everyone laugh. He never fails to entertain.

Even though he’s older than me when we met we hit it off. We became fast friends and were inseparable quickly. Nothing could get between us, nothing except for Ella. Don’t get me wrong, he loved Ella, they got along great. I just think he didn’t realize how into her I was until I left to be with her. Then shit hit the fan and our friendship faltered. I know he feels like I chose her over him, and let’s face it in a way I did. I wish I hadn’t but I’m here now to make it right.

Fuck, I hope I can!

The house looks exactly the same, sandstone front with white trimmings. It’s a great house, Ryan owns it outright. He bought it when he was younger and paid it off with the money he earned from the tours we did, and his part-time jobs. Ryan may be a joker but he’s incredible with money.

Hopping out of the cab, I grab my luggage and pay the driver with a thank you. He speeds off leaving me looking up at the driveway. Ryan doesn’t know I’m coming. I thought surprise would be the best angle. Let’s hope I’m right.

My luggage rolls along the ground making a slight hum through the quietness of suburbia. Cicadas chirp their evening song as I swallow hard finally making it to the door as the setting sun fades in hues of golds and pinks in the distance through the Eastern Redbud’s lining the street. Taking a deep breath, I gently rap on the door. It feels like Ryan’s taking forever to answer, so I stand back and straighten my shirt.

I briefly think maybe he isn’t home when the porch light flicks on and the latch clicks. Steadying myself as the door opens, the shadow of Ryan appears in the doorway. The light from the room inside shining brightly behind illuminating him to look like some kind of angel or something. Geez, when did I become such a pussy? But then again maybe he is my savior right now.

I half smile as he gasps and shakes his head.

“Jesus dude, it’s good to see you. I’m shocked to see you, but… you look like shit. Oh wait, I heard about the Slayed and Staked plane crash. Shit! Did Ella—”

“No. No, she’s fine. Just decided her life was better off without me.”

Ryan sighs, his face falling as he steps aside to let me in. As I walk into our old home I realize it’s exactly the same, just maybe a little messier.

“Shit dude, I’m sorry.” He clasps my shoulder and I shrug.

“I’m dealing.”

“Yeah, I can smell that,” he jibes with a smirk.

I roll my eyes. “So, I kind of uprooted my life and left everything behind. All I have is this suitcase.”

Ryan winces. “Just like last time when you packed up everything and took off for England. No goodbye, just a note on the fridge saying you had to go… for her. She was worth it and you were sorry.”

I wince at his harsh tone and slump down onto the dining room chair. “I’m sorry. I was a prick, I know that now. I was so blinded by my love for her that I threw away everything that meant something to me here.”

“You threw away our lives too, Danger. Me, Matt, Nate. We were as much a part of that band as you were. We were heading places and you up and left with no warning… That kinda shit pisses people off.”

I clench my eyes tight and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I fucked up. Big time. I know that now. I was thinking maybe that I’m back, you, me, and the guys could pick up where we left off. Get the band back up and running. Give me something to work and live for?”

Ryan scoffs. “Oh right. So now that you’ve gone off on your year-long romance, you think it’s fine to just waltz back in like you didn’t royally screw us, and just start back up like we’re all best buds again?”

Cracking my neck to the side, I exhale. This is not how I pictured this going. “Ryan c’mon, we’re best friends—”

“We were best friends, till you got pussy whipped and took off after her, leaving us all behind to pick up your mess. We had to move on, get real jobs, and try to live without you in our lives for over a year while you gallivanted off with the fucking Slades. No Danger, you don’t get to just come back when your world falls apart to fit into ours, now we’ve moved on…

“Look, I’m sorry you’re hurting, bro, but the band has moved on because you moved on. Now you have to find a way to move on from this, too.”

My heart sinks. Nodding, I purse my lips and flare my nostrils out in frustration.

This was my plan.

This was what was keeping me going.

Well fuck this and fuck him!

“You know what, Ry? Fuck Ella, and if you don’t want to start the band back up well that’s your loss. We were something fucking great, we were going places. Did I fuck that up? Yeah… I’ll admit that, but I came back here with the intention of righting that wrong. But if you’re too pigheaded to take my apology then fuck you too!” I stand and head back for the door.

“There’s the Danger I know, not that pussy whipped mother fucker Ella turned you into.”

I snap back around and glare at him. “You know what? She did change me, and not for the better either… I more than see that now. I’m better off without her. Fuck! I’m probably better off starting afresh and making a new life for myself. I can do anything, be anyone I want to be. I’m Danger three point fucking oh. Watch this space, Ryan. I’m gonna make it, with or without you… You know my number.” I flick around and head back for the door with my head held high and a strut in my step

Now what?

“I’m sorry this wasn’t the welcome home you wanted, but things have changed. You made us change. You hurt us by leaving. You have to know that, right?” he calls out.

I simply nod. “I know. I’m sorry, Ry. If I could change it I would… I came here to do that. It’s up to you now if you help us all make that change.” I walk, out of the house and back down the path, as my feet drag heavy on the pavement.

“Where are you gonna go?” Ryan calls out.

I simply shrug and keep walking without even looking back at him.

Where am I gonna go? That’s a damn good question.

I don’t have a home, I don’t have anything. Ryan’s made it abundantly clear I’m not welcome with him. I didn’t plan this out very well at all. Coming back to the States I thought would make me feel like I was home again. But I feel more out of place here than I did in the UK. At least there I had friends and a stand-in family.

I could go home to San Fran and see my sister, Mouse, and her husband I suppose. But she’s always so full of her own self-importance, I’m sure she’ll make me feel like shit about Ella. And there’s no way I’m going to see Mom and Dad. They’re way too much hassle to worry about.

“Don’t worry about me, Ry. I’ll find my feet. I always do. Oh… and clean the house… I might stink, but I’ve got an excuse being on and off planes for I don’t even know how fucking long, but there’s no excuse for your house to look like a fucking pigsty, you filthy animal.”

Ryan chuckles as he stands in his doorway watching me walk away. “Glad to see some of the old Danger is still in you.”

“He never left… was just dormant for a while.”

“Glad you’re home, Danger.”

I turn to face him and half smile. “I’m glad I’m home too, fucker. The offer’s still on the table… but don’t take too long to come crawling back to me.”

He chuckles. “Find yourself, Danger, then we’ll talk.”

I nod taking a deep breath while walking along the path with my luggage dragging behind me. I’m not sure where to go from here, but without Ryan wanting to start the band back up straight away, I figure there’s one thing I could do. Something that I’ve already done, but I haven’t been able to do by myself without a bunch of rockers around me.

I could travel.

I could see the world.

I have money, plenty of it, and I’m sure once Rob sells the house I’ll have more come through. I could see the world as a tourist rather than a rock star, or the fiancé of a rock star.

Nodding my head having made up my mind, I smile and pick up my stride.

This is my plan.

I’m gonna see the world.

Fucking lucky I have visas and shit. Managing bands has helped with that, so I don’t have to wait.

I’m gonna pick up my socks and try to bury my cock in some foreign pussy while wiping my mind clean of everything Ella fucking Slade.