TILLIE

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Ryan’s been distant and quiet. It’s unsettling, not only because he’s usually so boisterous and loud, but there’s been no practical jokes or any banter at all, so I’m not sure if something big is coming my way or if he truly has given up? Anyway, it’s Wednesday, which means I’m going to be going to yoga with him again today. Hopefully, I can talk to him a little, see where he’s at.

Walking to the fire escape where I know he’ll be, I move through the door and up the stairs to see him on the roof sitting far too close to the edge looking out over the city skyline. Swallowing hard, I move slowly over toward him quietly, so I don’t startle him, and take a deep breath. He must hear my footsteps as I approach because he turns around to look at me and his sunken eyes rimmed by dark circles takes my breath, but not in a good way. He seems troubled, and I hate this look on him.

“You okay?” I ask.

He half-smiles. “Yeah, I’m fine. Guess we have to go?”

I nod and he stands up, right on the edge of the building making my heart jump into my throat and lodge itself firmly in place there. He grins and jumps down on to safer ground, and I breathe a little easier while he smirks.

“Geez, you almost looked scared for me there, Tillie,” he says.

“You were being very dangerous, Ryan. You need to be more sensible than climbing on the edge of a ten story building.”

He shrugs. “Is life worth living if you’re not on the edge?”

I let out a bemused laugh. “I prefer safe and solid ground, it’s sturdy, and you know where you’re headed.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” He turns and starts his walk back toward the fire escape.

I take a deep breath, shake my head and walk with him, down the stairs and through the office and to the car in silence. I can’t help but notice his cheeky grin like he’s up to something, but I ignore it as we climb in and head down the street toward the gym.

“Oh, hey, can you grab my sunglasses from the glove compartment for me?” he asks, his smirk growing wider.

Something’s definitely up with him.

“Sure,” I say and reach out pulling the handle down and opening the small compartment. As the flap flies down a medium sized rodent scurries out and lands right in my lap. Its fur is a dark gray. Its tail long and pink, and it has beady little eyes staring right at me while its nose twitches frantically from side to side like it’s sniffing me for traces of food.

Ryan shifts in his seat like he’s waiting for me to scream, but I look down at the cute little guy and smile moving my fingers to its fur and pet its back. It doesn’t move to bite or attack me, and I know instantly it’s a friendly pet rat. Ryan tried to scare me with a tame rodent, but his plan has one serious flaw—I love animals so this bullshit backfired too. I pick the little guy up and bring him in line with my face, I smile and make kissy noises at him. He’s so cute with his little brown eyes staring at me affectionately.

“You’re an adorable little guy, aren’t you?” I say in a cutesy voice.

“You gotta be kidding me!” Ryan murmurs under his breath. “Why does nothing work on you?” He grunts as his nostrils flare in annoyance that I obviously wasn’t scared out of my brains like he was hoping for.

“You don’t know me at all, Ryan. I’m an animal lover from way back. I had a rat as a pet when I was a child, so a little guy like this isn’t going to scare me. In fact, I think I’ll keep him. He can be my new pet… I might name him Hunter.”

He looks at me raising his eyebrow. “Hunter’s my last name?”

“I know. I have to name him after you somehow ‘cause you got him for me, and naming him yoga fart just doesn’t seem quite appropriate.”

His frown slowly turns up into a tight smile and then he lets out a small chuckle. “You really are something you know that?”

“I think it’s you who’s something, buying me pets and all. I think, deep down, you actually like me, Ryan Hunter.”

He scoffs. “Let’s just get this yoga over with, shall we?”

I smirk cuddling into Hunter my new pet. “Sure. But how long was he in the glove compartment for?”

Ryan shrugs. “Not long. I was only on the roof top for about five minutes before you came and got me, I put him in there just before that. I can’t believe that didn’t work. I was so sure he would’ve scared the shit out of you.” He shakes his head but keeps his eyes on the road ahead.

He’ll have to do much better than that, I think to myself as I realize that I’ve beaten Ryan at his mind games yet again. I figured he was up to something. It had been too long since he pulled a stunt, and even though it wasn’t something massive like I thought might have been coming, knowing he hasn’t given up is kind of exciting. Him throwing these curve balls at me—although one was devastating like the notebook and glitter incident—can be a good ego boost when I come out the victor, and so far I’m beating him at this little power play we have going on.

We pull up at the gym and Ryan grabs Hunter’s cage from the trunk for me to put him in. At least he came prepared. I place Hunter in his cute little cage and we walk, with rat in tow, up to the room for our yoga lesson.

“Hey Lara,” I say as I walk in and she looks at me, spots Hunter in the cage, and tenses up scrunching her face in obvious disgust.

“Um… Tillie, we don’t generally include pets in our yoga sessions. Especially rats.”

I giggle as Ryan smirks.

“We had an incident in the car and we couldn’t avoid bringing Hunter, the rat. Don’t worry, he won’t get in the way. I promise, Lara. You’re safe. Plus, he’s a friendly rat. He won’t be coming out of his cage.”

Lara’s body sags in obvious relief. I smirk at Ryan as he grins at me then he walks over to his inappropriate pink yoga mat. His muscles flex and strain while he stretches getting ready for Lara’s first yoga poses of the day. We haven’t really talked since last week, other than the occasional time here or there or anything official to do with the band. But that has only been a fleeting question or comment then he would avoid me or walk off.

He’s been strange since last week when something changed between us. After I fell he turned us so I wouldn’t fall on him, and he made sure my head didn’t hit the floor. That’s not something someone who hates you does. I see through him. He’s fighting through some sort of dislike for me and I don’t know why.

Well, I do know why.

I took his job.

That doesn’t make me a bad person. Just a qualified one. But I know there’s something there more than just a general unease. His persistence to annoy me makes me think he’s covering for something. Maybe he doesn’t even know what it is. But I feel it. I feel the attraction between us, and I definitely don’t think it’s one sided. That’s why I think he’s been avoiding me. Because what happened here last week wasn’t just a pair of co-workers falling on each other in a yoga class, it was chemistry. It was intense and with his stubbornness and dislike for me, knowing that he felt that feeling too, it made him go into avoidance mode. That’s why he’s been dodging me this last week.

He’s scared.

He doesn’t want to admit that maybe there’s an attraction between us. Hell, I’m not even sure I want to admit that.

Do I think he’s good looking? Yes, of course.

But do I want a relationship with the guy? I don’t even know the answer to that question.

He’s moody, he’s a practical joker, and more so he’s stubborn as all hell. But the icing on the cake is that he can’t make his mind up on anything. He’s non-committal, and I don’t think I can deal with someone who can’t commit. Even though Ryan makes my heart flutter and my stomach giddy, I don’t think he’s right for me.

The clearing of a deep gravelly throat breaks me from my thoughts. “You okay there, sunshine?” Ryan asks as I look up to see him in the Firefly yoga pose. I smirk to myself that he’s actually pulling it off and take a deep centering breath.

“I’m good but stay like that, I need to stream this,” I tell him pulling out my cell and starting up the live feed. “Week two of the live feeds from the Recovery of Ryan yoga workshops. As you can see Ryan is doing exceptionally well in his Firefly pose…” Just as I say that Ryan grunts, his arms tremble and he collapses onto the ground, his ass slamming onto the mat with a giant thud. His back falls backward onto the mat and he groans out as I tense up hoping he hasn’t broken his wrists underneath all that pressure. Moving my finger to stop the live streaming, all of a sudden he breaks into a bellowing laugh. My shoulders slump and I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Lara rushes over to him and helps him to sit up as she giggles with him.

“You okay?” I call out.

He looks over at me and gives me two thumbs up. “I’m good. Lara told me not to do that, but you know me I never listen. Hope it was entertaining?” he asks and I shake my head.

“Terrifying more like it,” I reply as he smiles and I watch the comments all coming in about how hilarious Ryan’s incident was.

He chuckles. “You know me, never know if I’ll make you laugh or scream. I like to keep you on your toes and all that.”

I roll my eyes and keep streaming as Lara instructs him to do a much more subdued Side Plank pose, the muscles in his arm bulge holding his weight as he keeps himself up on the side and then reaches his other arm up into the sky. I bite down on my bottom lip as I take in all the curves and features of his toned biceps. He’s definitely been working on his arms and I swallow hard as I clench my thighs together to dull the ache that’s forming between them. I stop the live feed as Lara instructs Ryan to end his pose, and I shake my head slightly when his muscles disengage and he sits on the mat cross-legged taking in a few calming breaths.

I need a few hundred calming breaths.

Ryan in a wife beater and sweats shouldn’t be doing anything for me, but seeing him here, his arms bulging with a slight sheen of sweat defining each one, definitely has my mind thinking things it absolutely should not.

“Okay Tillie, you ready to get it on with Ryan?” Lara asks, and I open my eyes wide.

“Excuse me?”

“You ready for couples yoga?” she asks.

Ryan looks at me raising an eyebrow and I clear my throat with a single nod.

“Ah yeah… sorry. Don’t know where my head’s at today.” I walk over and take a seat in front of Ryan with my knees just touching his. Warmth radiates through my legs at the thought that I’m touching him and I have to try and rein in my mind.

Get a grip, Tillie!

“Okay, so this week we’re going back to basics and we’re working on strength. Ryan, I’m going to get you to do a handstand against the wall, then Tillie you will do one right up against Ryan facing him, leaning your body against him, and you’ll both stay up for as long as you can,” Lara suggests and we both furrow our brows.

“Won’t that mean our faces are like right against each other?” Ryan asks.

Lara smiles. “Yes, your faces will be facing each other and together. This is a very intimate pose, generally for couples, but I know you two will be fine doing this. You seem great together and comfortable around each other enough to pull it off.”

I bite down on my bottom lip and swallow hard as Ryan shifts, clearly uncomfortable at the thought of being so close to me. If it’s going to go how I imagine it, I’m going to be fairly close to him.

“Okay Ryan, up you get,” Lara instructs slapping his shoulder.

He nods standing up and walks over to the wall.

“I’ll help you once you’re up, to get yourself back onto the wall properly, and then I’ll help Tillie position herself against you.”

His whole body is tense as I stand up and he looks at me, his stare harsh, but he takes a deep breath and flips into a handstand. His strength is so masculine, it sends tingles down my spine as his legs flip up into the air. Lara grabs his legs and moves them back against the wall while his hands shimmy along the floorboards into place. His face slowly turning a shade of red.

“Okay Tillie, you’re up.”

I walk up to Ryan and face him, my body is shaking slightly with nerves of how this might go down, but I’m not going to show him that I’m tense.

“Okay, bend into your handstand Tillie, and I’ll lead you into position,” Lara announces.

I take a deep breath and flip over. My arms burn as I throw my legs into the air. I sway slightly, but Lara grabs my legs and starts to move with me over to Ryan. My hands walk like feet along the floor boards to Ryan, and my face comes in line with his. Lara places my body against his. Every inch of my body lines with his and I feel his every muscle. My body shakes not only from the pressure of being upside down but from the closeness of being near Ryan. Our faces are so close his rapid breathing hits my skin like a warm breeze, and I know he’s just as nervous as I am. My head is arched back holding my lips away from his as I look anywhere but directly at him.

There’s a buzz filtering between us as our bodies move together, both breathing so fast from the adrenalin.

“Good guys… keep going,” Lara calls out.

My neck is starting to ache from pulling away from Ryan, and so I inch a little closer to him. His breath becomes hotter and I chance a look. My eyes meet his and my breath catches. I can’t help it as his eyes draw me closer to him, my face inches forward, his breath hot now on my lips.

My chest is rising and falling so fast I’m feeling dizzy. Ryan’s intense green eyes bore into mine, searching like he’s seeing me for the first time.

My body trembles and shakes as the blood pumps so fast through every vein, through every inch of me. Electricity crackles all around us sparking off in every direction, heating my skin to the temperature of a blazing inferno.

Our lips inch closer… closer, until we’re barely touching. The heat of his lips contacts mine, the silkiness of his skin hits the edge of my lips. I can taste him. I can feel him. Just a millimeter closer and we’ll be kissing.

The energy surrounding us circles in waves of euphoria as my arms tremble so much they threaten to give way. He breathes out heavily, puckering his lips slightly, his touch igniting a fire inside me.

Is he going to kiss me?

Our lips touch ever so slightly, fireworks erupt inside my belly, sending me into meltdown. My arms quiver as I close my eyes, then suddenly, his arms give way. Our heads slam together violently as his body falls forward and I brace for impact. He tries his best to roll away from me rather than land on top of me, but his heavy frame lands half on me and half on the wooden floor. We both land with a loud ‘oomph’ as his hand comes under my head, just like last time, stopping it from hitting the floor. But his isn’t so lucky. We both lay there unmoving, but groaning as Lara rushes to our sides.

“Oh shit! I should’ve seen you were going to fall. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t quick enough. Are either of you hurt?” she quickly flicks out a question.

Ryan rolls off me onto his back breathing harshly like he’s winded, as I clasp my eyes tight trying to calm myself from the fall and the fact that my right side is painful.

“I’m okay, probably just a bruise. Ryan are you okay?” I ask, and he lets out a long drawn out breath.

“I’m fine. Did I hurt you?” he questions while still lying flat on the floor.

I shake my head in a lie. His heavy frame when he landed on me hurt my side, but I’m not going to make him feel bad. Not when we just shared a moment like that.

“You stopped my head from hitting the floor. Thank you,” I say instead of mentioning my injury.

He sighs. “All good. But maybe we should lay off the couples yoga for a while?”

I turn to face him. His face is stern. Cold even. Unreadable.

I furrow my brows and suck on my bottom lip. “You think it’s too unsafe?”

He shrugs. “Too uncomfortable.” He motions with his hands, stands up and stumbles to the door.

My head jolts back in confusion and my breath catches in my throat. So was he not in the moment like I was? Maybe this is all one-sided on my behalf. Maybe the kiss stopped because I was forcing it and he didn’t want it.

Oh my God, I’ve just made a fool of myself!

Swallowing hard as tears well in my eyes, I slowly sit up with a wince. It seems my right arm is hurting as well, so I take a deep breath. Sniffing, I look to Lara who gives me a half-smile and shrugs.

“I’m sorry, Tillie, that was my fault. I pushed you two together before he was ready. But just give it time, he’ll come round,” Lara says, and I wince.

“You did that pose so we would kiss?” I ask, and she purses her lips and nods.

“I’ve seen the way you guys look at each other, but you both fight it hard… I just wanted to help things along.”

Sighing, I stand up and move over grabbing my bag and Hunter the rat. Tilting my head, I shrug. “See you next week, Lara,” I yell out over my shoulder.

“Bye Tillie… and sorry again.”

I shake my head. “No, don’t be. We’re… complicated.”

Her lips form a thin line as she nods and I walk out in search of Ryan. I head out of the yoga studio and down the hall to see Ryan standing against the wall looking out the window to the street, watching the cars whizz by. He looks like he’s lost in his own world. Thinking about something, but his solemn face tells a story I’m not sure I want to know.

Taking a steadying breath, I move over behind him and stand tall ready to talk to him. “You okay, sunshine?” I ask, repeating the words he said to me.

He turns to see me and huffs, standing up taller, his face brightening slightly. “Yeah, just lost in my own head.”

I wince slightly. “What’s going on in there?” I ask as he steps toward me.

“Nothing that would interest you.” He continues past, his shoulders slumped and his eyes unfocused. He really looks out of sorts.

“Ryan, you can talk to me.”

He exhales and turns looking at me. “I don’t even know why I’m thinking about them? I only think about them one day a year. That’s all! But then you come along and wake something up inside me,” he admits, and I’m more than a little confused.

“Ryan, what do you mean?” I ask taking a step closer to him.

He tenses, his eyes widening like he’s dismayed. “I shouldn’t have said that. Forget it. It’s nothing. Let’s just go back to the office, yeah?” He turns walking down the hall, through the door and out of sight. I wish I knew what he was talking about, but he’s obviously hurting and somehow I’m bringing that pain on.

I don’t like that one bit.

Taking a deep breath, I turn and follow Ryan meeting him down at the car. He wants to drive again obviously by the way he’s sitting in the driver’s seat waiting, so I place Hunter in the back seat, then slide into the passenger’s side and do up my belt. He glances at me then back to the road.

There’s an eerie silence before he starts the car. There is tension always between us, rippling off us in waves but this is something else. Something new. I felt the spark between us in the gym. I know there’s a weird chemistry between Ryan and me, but whatever that chemistry is, it can never lead anywhere. He’s my boss, basically. Plus, he so obviously hates me that this is quite probably one-sided. I don’t know.

But one thing I do know is that I like him, just the way he is—ornery, arrogant, funny and stubborn as hell. There’s something about him that eases my nerves, calms me, even when he’s boiling my blood. I just want to help him, to save him from himself. The protector in me is strong when it comes to Ryan, but I have to bide my time. I can’t push my way in. He’s guarded, of that I’m sure.

The rest of the car ride is silent as we drive back to the office. The boys are going to be laying down some tracks today so they will be around, and hopefully, I’ll have time to answer some of the messages from Ryan’s live stream today.