Cameron

“Cameron, are you going to answer this door or not?”

I just looked at the door and sighed. It was burning up in the apartment, but there was no way that I was going to get Joel to help me now, not after what happened. It wasn’t just that he had beat up one of the guys I worked with for really no reason at all, but it had started a bunch of gossip at work that I wasn’t even ready to deal with.

That was why I was at home, instead of at work like I would have been. But I couldn’t handle all of the looks and the questions. There was no telling what Stephen had said. It was his first day back after the attack, that is what he is calling it and it was the last thing that I wanted to find out. Dealing with Joel was just out of the question.

Not answering, I waited for the footsteps to go away from the door and back down the stairs. It wasn’t until I heard the sound of the knob on the door that I realized what he was doing. He was opening my door with the master key that he had because he was a manager. I couldn’t believe it and before I could get up, he was in the door.

“You know that I know you are in here. Why didn’t you just answer when I knocked?”

I was sputtering I was so angry. “What are you doing? You can’t just walk in here whenever you want! There are laws against this!”

I was outraged and it wasn’t because he had come in the way he did. I was more upset about the way I was trembling and the smile on his face like what I was saying didn’t matter. He made it appear I was just there just to do his bidding. If I wouldn’t have responded in the way that I did, I might have thought that he was going over the line. But with Joel, there was a blurring of the line that was hard to get around and it wasn’t a situation that I planned for. What did I do when an intruder was one that I wanted in some weird way even though I couldn’t admit it?

Pulling me to his chest, I didn’t even try to pull away. “You need to talk to me Cameron. I told you that I was sorry, many times. I didn’t know that you worked with him and I just got jealous and kind of lost my head.”

He acted like beating the crap out of some guy was no big deal. It was a big deal. It was a huge deal and I didn’t understand why he didn’t get that. I couldn’t think much with him so close anyways so I just kind of looked at him. Joel took that as a bad sign and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it wasn’t that way.

“Please Cameron, say something.”

I wasn’t able to speak because I was pressed so hard against his body. I knew how hard he was from our ride on his bike, but the reminder of that fact was enough to make my head spin. He was just too handsome, too much of a man to be denied and I didn’t want to ignore the way he made me feel.

“I just, I don’t know what to say Joel. I don’t know why you think that this is okay. You barge into my apartment and now you want to apologize?” It didn’t make sense and I let out a sigh of frustration and relief when he released me.

“I know that I was an idiot. Can you see that you are the one that made me do it? You have driven me crazy Cameron. You are hot one moment and cold the next. After our date, I thought that there was something between us. I know that you felt it when we kissed.”

I had to stop myself from touching the lips that he was talking about. I could still feel his mouth on mine if I closed my eyes and really thought about it. I had done that one too many times and I was sure that it was why I was so on edge around him. I had built him up in my mind too much. That was all that it was. I had made him larger than life and he was only just a man.

“I felt something, but I can’t be with you. I can’t be with a man like you Joel. We are from too different worlds.”

He didn’t want to hear that and he was back to holding my arms and pulling me towards him. “I knew that I should have just done this from the start.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about until his lips crushed against mine. I heard a soft moan and I was more than a little embarrassed to realize that it was me that had made that noise. This kiss was not like the last one. There was no permission given and it wasn’t necessary because he certainly didn’t ask for it.

When I knew that it had gone too far, it was too late. My body was moving back towards the couch and I fell down onto it when he kept pushing me back. The couch hit my calves and I moved into the soft cushion. He was quick to follow me and before I knew it, Joel was straddling my body.

“Joel, what are you doing?”

“Something that I have wanted to do for a very long time, Cameron. I know that you want this. I can see it in your eyes, so don’t try to fight it anymore.”

The door was still open from him, but there was no way that I was going to say anything. I was too worried about the hard man on top of me and what he was going to do next. Joel’s dark brown eyes looked down at me and I heard myself whimper. It was not a sound that I would have liked to cop to, but I knew that it was my lips that had made it.

“Tell me that you want me Cameron.”

I wanted to, the words were literally stuck in my throat and I couldn’t. I didn’t know how I was supposed to say such a thing, especially not out loud. Why couldn’t he just see that I wanted him? He had to know it, but I could see the determination in his eyes. What did he want me to do, beg for it? It was something that I refused to do and when he told me to tell him again, I shook my head.

“You don’t want this?”

He looked almost aghast and before I could think of what I was doing, I was pulling him down for another kiss. I didn’t want him to go anywhere. It was the last thing on my mind and if he left me then, I was sure that I was going to explode or something of that nature was going to happen. I was past the point of no return.

“Forgive me Cameron, please.”

How could I say no to him? I wanted to forgive him, but he had made everything so complicated at work. I didn’t know what to do about it and a job that I loved was now one that I dreaded. “I just don’t know what got into you Joel. Why would you think that Stephen and me were together? And why would you be mad when we aren’t even together?”

“What is this then?”

I shrugged and didn’t want him to see how bothered I was by it all. “I don’t know what this is, but it isn’t an excuse to attack someone. What if he decides to press charges?”

Joel didn’t seem too bothered by it. My mind was finally working and every question that I asked him was one that I had asked myself over and over again. While I didn’t like what he did to Stephen, the truth was that I didn’t want him to get in trouble either. I just wanted him to see how stupid that was so he wouldn’t do something like that again.

“So what if he does. I will pay a fine and go on about my business. Is that really what you are worried about?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

It was hard to be sure of anything with him literally on top of me. How was I supposed to think like this?

“I am sure that is what you worry about. Are you mad that I hurt your boyfriend?”

Sighing to myself, I started to push him off of me. “You really just don’t get it, do you Joel?”

I heard someone coming up the stairs and finally remembered that the door was open. I didn’t want gossip going around in the building about me and Joel, so I practically pushed him off of me. He was reluctant, but finally did as I was making him do.

Standing at the door, he shut it, but was still on the wrong side of it.

“I don’t get you.”

“You don’t have to get me Joel. We are just friends and this has to stop. You have to promise me that you will never come into my apartment like that again.”

He was struck by the tone of my voice and if I was honest with myself, I was as well. There was something about it that made it clear what I was feeling. I felt like I had been fooled and there was no way that I was going to let it happen again. I had a bit of a weakness from him, but that didn’t stop the fact that he had just came in like he had a right to. I never would have let him in, not after what he did to Stephen. If he hadn’t gotten his hands on me, I wouldn’t have lost myself around him.

“Cameron…”

I went to the door and moved past him with my hand, opening the door that he had so recently shut. I needed space and time to think. There was too much going on in my head to deal with him.

“Just go, please.”