Carol

“So where are we going Steve? We have been on this boat for three days and I haven’t seen land in a while.”

“Just taking a small trip. I thought you liked surprises?”

“I do, I just, I don’t know. We have been going for so long that I just wanted to know where we were going.”

“You will see when we get there. You aren’t ready to leave already, are you?”

I told him that I wasn’t, but that wasn’t all the way true. The truth was that I was dying to get off of the boat. While I hadn’t asked directly, he had made it clear that it wasn’t a chance when I had said something about stopping for supplies.

“There are enough supplies to last us a month Carol. I didn’t want us to have to go in, until we have to.”

That meant that I was stuck, against my will. There were no chains on me, just Steve that was acting more and more irrational. He had tried to get intimate with me and I had refused. Ever since then his attitude hadn’t been one that I wanted to be around. It was clear that he was mad at me and even now he looked at me as if he didn’t trust me.

“Is there anything that I can do Steve?”

His eyes darkened and for a moment I thought he was going to ask what his eyes were asking. I knew that he wanted to be with me, but he wanted me to want him. I didn’t, but I had a thought that maybe he would loosen up and then he wouldn’t be so hard to deal with. That hadn’t been the case and I was reaching my limit.

“No, I think you have done enough. You could tell me more about that man that I saw at your apartment if you wanted to.”

This was the fifth time that he had asked me about David today. I didn’t know what to say, no more than I had already said. It was a one-time thing. That was all. He wanted more, I didn’t. I was sick of explaining myself and instead of thinking it through I told another story.

“He was a guy I met at Cameron’s wedding. He started flirting with me and while he wasn’t my type, he got to me. Have you ever met someone that made you just know? I mean, when I saw him, I just knew that I wanted him. So after a few dances and a couple of glasses of wine, I had him. Several times in the upstairs on a carpet that chaffed my back for days.”

My flippant answer was not going over well and I almost immediately wished that I hadn’t said such things. I had tried the demure approach, but I was done with that charade. It was time to end this one way or another. I couldn’t swim and I was more or less at his mercy, but none of that seemed to matter. The only thing that mattered was that all of this pretending was over.

“That isn’t what you said yesterday.”

“You have asked me enough, why keep asking? What is it that you want to know about him? You seem fixated on him and I just don’t get it.”

“I have already taken care of him. David won’t be such a pretty boy anymore.”

“What does that mean?”

“Pretty obvious Carol. You aren’t a dense girl.”

I kept wondering why he was gravitating over to David. “Why would you do that?”

“You kissed him.”

“You were spying on me?”

“I went over there after you had a man in the background while we were on the phone. I caught the two of you kissing after he came out of your house. So let us not pretend that you have any reason to be outraged because you don’t. I was there to surprise you and I was the one that got one. My girlfriend in the arms of another man.”

“I don’t care what you think. I told him to leave because I was with you. All of this was for nothing.”

I was getting madder by the second, but I was trying hard to keep it in. I wanted him to agree that it was all for nothing so he would let me off of this boat.

“No, it wasn’t all for nothing. This gave us time to just be together. Haven’t you enjoyed it?”

The truth was not needed at the moment because I didn’t think that he would handle it very well.

“Yes, but I have to get back to work and my life. I know that you have an important job. Do your clients know that you are taking all this time off?” I was just trying to think of anything that would put some sense into him so I could get away. I never wanted to be near him or a boat ever again.

“I make my clients enough money that no one asks any questions. I have an assistant that has buy and sell orders at certain prices. Everything else will take care of itself.”

“Oh.” I had nothing else at the moment.

“Can we go up top for a little while? The sun is so pretty today and I want to tan a little.”

I wasn’t a prisoner in a sense that one came to mind, but the very fact that I had to ask to move about the boat was enough of an answer for me. I shouldn’t have to ask anyone to go somewhere. It didn’t settle well with me, but this was the way it was at the moment.

“Yeah, we can go up top if you want. We have been down here most of the day. Sorry I needed your help. It’s been a while since I have been on one of these things and even longer since I have had to work on one.”

Nodding my head and smiling, hoping that it reached my eyes, I made my way to the narrow stairs. He stopped me with a hand on my arm. “Don’t try anything.”

It was my turn to pretend like I was stupid and I didn’t understand what he was talking about. I knew where my mind went, to leaving, but I tried to act like that was the very last thing on my mind. I couldn’t swim and there was never any land in sight. Where was I supposed to go anyways?

“What can I do Steve?”

There was no longer the pretense that I wanted to be here. My sharp tongue had gotten me in trouble again, like it always did. Now I could tell that things were going to be different, I just didn’t know in what way they would be.

“I don’t know, but don’t do anything stupid Carol. I mean it. You are testing my patience and your last little scenario with that biker guy was enough for me.”

“I was angry because you keep asking me over and over again, like you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth anymore Carol. You made sure of that.”

***

I stayed up on the top deck as long as I could. I could tell that he wanted me to come back down with him when it started to get chilly, but I didn’t care. I was only there because it was away from him. I couldn’t deal with the charade anymore. It was chaos in my mind and I still was trying to figure out what it was that I was supposed to do. Steve was obviously unwell and I was his fixation at the moment. It didn’t seem like a good thing to be if I was honest with myself.

So I sat up on the top and waited for the sun to go down and then I would have to retreat into the dark cabin below once again. I wasn’t looking forward to it and if sheer will could have gotten the sun to stay in the sky, I believe that it would have. But that wasn’t what was meant to be, so instead I finally started down the stairs. I saw a light out of the corner of my eye and I stopped.

“Carol, it is dark. Come down here and have some dinner with me.”

“I will be down in just a moment.”

My eyes kept searching out into the darkness for the light that I had seen. Maybe it was land or even another boat, anyone that could help me. He repeated himself, his voice gruffer and I decided that it wasn’t worth it to risk it. Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me.

“I am coming.”

“Now!”

Sighing to myself at the impatience of the man, I made my way down the stairs and tried to put on a face that showed I knew what it was that he wanted. I had to get back on his good side, but my antics earlier in the day hadn’t helped anything. Maybe I had to try something different.

“It smells good down here Steve.”

His eyes told me that he wasn’t impressed. “That is about the only thing you have anything good to say about anything. I am glad that you at least have an appetite.”

“You are a very good cook. How did you get into stocks?”

“How are the two related?”

“Seems like you were a cook at one time and I just wondered what pushed you into stocks instead.”

“The money.”

He said it with such contempt. I didn’t know if it was for the money, himself, me. Steve was nothing like he was when we first started dating. He used to be light and breezy, nothing was a problem, but now it seemed like everything was a problem and there was nothing I could do to change it. Well there was one thing, but I was holding out on that for an emergency or a last case scenario. I would never desire him in that way again. Not after all of this. Steve was not the best to begin with, but now I couldn’t even fathom him on top of me. I didn’t want to quite frankly.

“I should have gone for money. Then I would have a nice boat like this. I got into social work to help people and I don’t really know how many people I can help. There is so much red tape.”

“Is it all that you thought it would be?”

“Not hardly. It is nothing like I thought it would be. I was very wrong about it all and I would have went into something else if not for all of the debt.”

“A shame.”

“Yea it is. What can I do?”

“There is nothing for you to do. You could go back and try something else, but that will give you more debt. Save and invest.”

I couldn’t play the game and talk about anything else but what was really on my mind. I didn’t really care about work and investing. “What are you doing here with me Steve? What is this, I mean really?”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to know what you are going to do to me?”

“I still don’t understand. We are just here on vacation. Why do you act like I am holding you hostage?”

“Can I leave?”

The question made the line of his jaw tense and I knew that he didn’t like where I was going with it.

“No. Where would you go? We are in the middle of the ocean right now Carol. There is nowhere to go.”

“I don’t know. You won’t tell me where we are. If you won’t let me leave, then I am a hostage.”

“I don’t like that term. It sounds so different than what this is.”

“Let me go Steve, please. I swear I will never tell anyone about this, I promise.”

“Oh, I know you won’t Carol.”

I felt a wave of dread go over me and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do or say next. It was becoming clear that it wasn’t going to get better. This man was not going to see any kind of reason. I wasn’t even sure what he wanted, but I didn’t want to find out. I needed to get off of this boat right now. The longer I was on here with Steve, the more danger I was in. It was that simple.

I went to bed that night next to him. His arm was around me and though I hated the touch, I hated the idea of waking him up even more so I sat still as though I was already in my grave. It wasn’t that long until I was going to be there, of that I was sure. What I wasn’t sure about was how it was going to happen. I would have accepted my fate, I really would have, but there was this idea of the most plausible way that he would do it. It wouldn’t take much at all to just throw me over the edge. Maybe I should just save him the trouble and jump. If I used a floatation device, something to keep me upright, maybe I could float away.

As soon as I thought of that, I knew the likelihood of it was small. Even if I could get away from him, there was nowhere to go. I thought of the light in the distance that I had seen, but something told me that it wasn’t even there. I had most likely just seen it because I wanted to. It was the hope in me that made me think that it was some kind of rescue. But it wasn’t. It was just me and Steve on this boat. He was the last person I would likely see.

I started to silently cry as I listened to the even breath of the man next to me. He was tall and lanky, but so strong. I knew I didn’t have a chance to fight him off. I eyed him a couple of times, wondering if I could do something while he slept. But then my fear of waking him up was too strong and I settled back in. I went to sleep wondering if tomorrow was going to be my last day or not.