Cecelia
It had been a couple of weeks since the fiasco with Dante and Darryl. Ashlea finally came clean about being with Dante a few times when she found out that I knew. I hated to hear about him and at some point I confessed that I was with Dante now. The silence was awkward, but it was no better than when Karen found out. Conroe was a small town and when I got Karen’s voicemail that she as coming over, I knew what it was that she wanted to talk about.
Now she was here and by the look on her face, she wasn’t going to give me a break on this.
“Hey girl, how have you been? It’s been a while since I have seen you Karen.”
“Don’t hey girl me. You know what I want to talk about and I am going to say now that I am a little mad that I had to hear from Ashlea about the new man in your life. No wonder you have been avoiding me.”
I had been avoiding her just a little bit, but that wasn’t the sole reason or even the biggest one.
“Karen, you know it is not like that. I have just been really busy since we started renting out the horses for shows and stuff. I can’t believe how much revenue it has brought in, but it is still taking up all of my time.”
“Uh huh.”
She didn’t believe me and she sat down on the stool at the bar, letting me know that she wasn’t budging until she got what she wanted. What she wanted was the scoop and it was not something that I was even sure about myself.
“So…”
I sighed and sat down next to her. I was starting to wonder if I needed to get some wine. I started to have a feeling that I was going to need it. I hadn’t really thought to myself what this was with Dante yet. I knew that I was being a lot more careful about how I approached it all because I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted to do. I didn’t know what we were, but I know that I had backed up a lot with my heart. We still made love almost nightly and I felt myself falling a little more every night, but I still tried to tell myself that it was a good thing.
“So, I don’t know what to say. Dante and I have been having a little fun on the side. That’s it.”
She looked at me with an accusatory look and I know that she had every reason to feel that way. I still remembered what I said to her about him months ago when she asked. I was always clear that he wasn’t a guy that I wanted to have anything to do with. Was I the whole time trying to defer her so that he could be mine? I didn’t like to think that it was true, but I knew that it was a good possibility. There had always been something about him that pulled me in.
“You told me that he wasn’t a good boyfriend type. Remember?”
“I do remember and I still hold to that. He isn’t a good boyfriend type, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends.”
“That is not what you told me. You told me that I would fall in love and he would break my heart.”
I started to feel a redness come over me and my eyes burned, a knot formed in my throat. It was exactly that way. It was exactly what had happened to me and as much as I hated it, I had been right.
“Cecelia, what is wrong?”
I didn’t want to look at her, but Karen wasn’t going to let it go. I didn’t cry much, never had been one to break down, but to say out loud what was happening to me just crack my veneer just a little bit. It was hard to hear out loud why I hurt so much.
She put her arm around me and told me that it was going to be okay.
“I don’t think it is. I fell for him hard and I don’t know if I am ever going to feel better. Sometimes I really don’t know if I am or not. All I can think about is that he is not mine and he never will be. I didn’t want this to happen to you. I still don’t know how it happened, but now I am in way too deep.”
It felt good to get it out, like a flood gate was finally releasing all of the water that was rushing through. I stayed that way for a moment before I moved back a bit. “I am going to get some wine.”
“Yes girl, I think we need it.”
She made me laugh when I had literally just been crying and that was why she was so special to me. I don’t know what I would do without her and I never wanted to find out. It wasn’t something that I ever wanted to have to think about.
“I am sorry I pushed you away from him.”
Karen scoffed. “I don’t blame you. That man is fine. You know you are going to have to tell me everything. I took off the rest of the afternoon for this and I was supposed to work this evening, so we are going to drink wine and you are going to dish on that sexy ass man that you are having ‘fun’ with.”
I sighed at her air quotes and took a drink of the wine. She had a good plan and as we moved upstairs, it was good to finally have someone to talk to about this. I needed some prospective more than anything else. I needed someone to tell me if I was just being an idiot or what it was that was going on. She was the only one that I trusted with this kind of thing and for once, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulder.
“So?”
“Are we not going to ease into it?”
Karen shook her head that we weren’t and I had to admit, she had the funniest look on her face. I don’t know what I was supposed to say to that, but I really couldn’t help it.
“Well let’s just say that he is everything that you would hope he is, and so much more.”
***
“See you later Dante. It was good to see you again.”
Dante waved at Karen and then looked at me confused. “Haven’t seen her in a while.”
“It’s been a busy month or so.”
He agreed and then pulled me to him. “I was thinking about you all day.”
“Were you?”
Dante nodded his head that he was and it made me smile inside. I liked to hear things like that, but as I had told Karen, I still wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with Dante. I knew how I felt, but I also knew that I couldn’t trust him. How could we be together if I couldn’t trust him? It just didn’t seem to make any sense to me at all. How could we ever be anything more if he was a certain way? More importantly, why was I still playing this game if I knew that I was going to lose?
“Yes, are you ready to go upstairs and see if we can find something to entertain ourselves?”
I liked the sound of it, but I wasn’t ready to fall into his vortex again. I needed some more time and I knew once I was in his arms for the night, I wouldn’t get anything else done. I couldn’t even think when he had his hands on me.
“No Dante, I have to get some thinking done.”
“Uh, oh. Every time you get to thinking, something bad happens.”
I pushed him away and told him that it wasn’t true. “You want to talk now and that means that I am not going to get any nookie.”
“I didn’t say you wouldn’t, just not right now. Why don’t we talk for a little bit? I have a few new jobs lined up for next week that are a little different and I want to know how you feel about them.”
“Oh?”
He didn’t look like he was that happy to hear about it, but I was going to ignore his reaction. After talking to Karen, she had me thinking about where this was all supposed to lead to. I knew that I wanted him in my life, but could my heart really take it?
But in the end I told him about the driving job for him and another person to take a couple of horses and help drive some cattle about a hundred miles away. It was for an old family friend, so I wouldn’t usually offer. I would have liked to go myself, but I was due at another rodeo looking for more clients.
His reaction was not what I thought it would be. “How long is it going to be for?”
I shrugged and told him that it was usually a week or so.
“You want me to stay away for a week?”
“No, it’s not like that Dante. I have things I have to do here. I have done it for them for years, my parents had always helped them. It would be a favor to me and I will make sure to give you a good bonus for it. I don’t want to break the tradition.”
“Who else is going?”
There weren’t that many people that could go, that were capable enough and had enough experience to take on such a challenge. I know who I had in mind for it, but I wanted to give Dante the option to choose for himself. I wasn’t going to make him go with someone he didn’t like.
“It’s up to you. Whoever you think is willing and able. They will get a good bump in pay as well. I have to go out to Houston or I would go. I have to leave out in the morning and I wanted to make sure it was taken care of. I am counting on you.”
It was hard for me to say such a thing to him, but he smiled at me and told me that he would take care of everything. That was all I wanted to hear and I was finally ready to push it all out of my mind. Dante had an idea of what he wanted to do.
“Are we done talking now Cece, because if I am not going to see you for a week, I am going to need some good loving tonight.”
I groaned at the way he said it. He was being cheesy, but when he wrapped his arms around me and bent down to kiss me on the lips, there was nothing else I could do but go with it.
It was going to be the longest we had been apart. But I figured it would be good for us. I would be able to get my mind right and I could keep a promise that my father made to Mr. Murphy many years before. I wanted to keep it going because it felt like it was keeping the memory of my father alive as well. It was the little things like that making it bearable to move on from it all.
Dante was there to keep my mind off of everything and I followed him upstairs to my room. If this was going to be our last night together for a while, I agreed wholeheartedly on making it one to remember.
But come on, how could I ever forget about Dante?