Cecelia
I got back from Houston after a couple of days. I wasn’t feeling the best because I had so much going on and I think I picked up some kind of bug. I was nauseous and even when I got home, I still didn’t feel very well. I was starting to think it was because I was missing Dante so much. It had only been a few days and I wanted him back.
Regretting sending him there to begin with, I had even more doubts when I saw Carl the next morning.
“Good to see you, boss. Are you doing okay?”
He looked at me with concern for me, as well as for himself. No one liked to get sick and Carl was looking at me like I was an incubator for some kind of plague. In his defense, I kind of felt that way at the moment.
“I am fine, just surprised to see you here. I thought you would have gone on the drive with Dante. You are always telling me that you need to make some extra money. I was doubling pay for the week.”
“No, not with the old lady pregnant. She wants me home, so I asked him to find someone else. I would have done it, but Barb was eager to go, so I let her. She has quite a bit of experience and all of that. Jacob and Meryl are too new to this all and would have been more trouble than they were worth.”
I felt like I had been hit in the gut. He had chosen Barb. “Oh, yeah I can see that. I don’t know if I would want to go around with the new guys.”
My stomach started to heave and I had to excuse myself. My body was having a violent reaction to the idea of them two together out on the range. I was sure that was what was making me feel this way. It had to be that.
I pushed past the nausea and went out to take care of all of my chores. By noon I was feeling a little better, but I was still thinking about Dante and Barb out there alone. I had realized a while back that I couldn’t trust him, so for them to be out there together didn’t sit well with me. If they did something together, it was going to be all of my fault. But at the same time, if they did do something together, wouldn’t it be better to know now that it was going to happen?
By nightfall I had made myself crazy and I got almost no sleep. I was tired of thinking about him and every time I tried to call it just went to voicemail. With no answer, my mind was left to its own devices and I can’t say that I was too happy about it. By the fifth day when his phone no longer rang, I was sure that something bad had happened.
Instead of waiting around in this agony that I found myself in, I decided that I was just going to have to be proactive and find out what was going on. After last time he disappeared just letting it play out, I felt like I had to know now instead of driving myself crazy again like before. The only way that I was going to know what was going on was for me to go there and find out.
After putting a few things in the saddle bags, I was ready to go. I knew whereabouts they were going to be and I wasn’t going to be able to get there with a vehicle. I was going to have to take the drive with them. I had a need for answers, but also to see him as well. My body craved him and after over three days, I was ready to come unglued. Dante was what kept me held together sometimes.
***
I rode for most of the night. I wasn’t able to sleep anyways and Thunder seemed to have a lot of energy to release. It was strange to think it, but it was almost like he could feel my agitation and was helping me get it out through his legs. The faster he went, the more I pushed.
Finally when the sun had been up for a while, we took a break and I reevaluated what the hell it was that I was doing. Was I really going to go up there and check on them? I had sent Dante because I was busy. I was too far to get there when I was supposed to be there, but I didn’t turn around. I should have, but I just couldn’t. I was already halfway to where I thought they would be on the fifth day, but I still wasn’t sure. When given the chance to go or stay, I kept going because I had to know one way or another.
I patted the horse’s neck and once he had enough to eat and drink, I got us back on the road, on the way to see Dante. I was going to find out what was going on.
We rode most of the day and it was starting to get dark when I saw signs of the cattle marked with Murphy’s brand. It had been a long day and they were further ahead than I thought they would be.
I could see the campfire when it was completely dark and I followed the shadows to find that everyone was already in their tents. It was still pretty early, but the work was hard. I could see going to bed around ten on the range after several days of all day riding.
There were only a few tents out, one short for everyone to have their own. I looked around for a minute and I know that I should have called out to someone, but I knew which tent was Dante’s and I wanted to see him.
It was strange walking up to a sleeping camp, but I pushed the willies aside that I was getting. I had made my way here by myself, but in this moment I was more nervous than any other time. I was worried about what I was going to find when I opened the tent up. That sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach was back and I couldn’t believe that it had come to this. Why did I feel like this was a make or break moment?
Unzipping the tent’s door, I pushed back the material and I saw the silhouette of Dante in the sleeping bag. I felt a wave of relief wash over me, but it was quickly back when I heard a familiar voice.
“Scoot over Dante, you are taking up all of the covers.”
Dante didn’t answer, just mumbled and moved to his side. He was now facing me and I could see the peace on his face. I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have seen this. I don’t know what I was thinking, but now all I was thinking about was getting the hell out of here before I really embarrassed myself.
My heart was racing a mile a minute when I went towards where I had left Thunder. The horse looked at me coming up and started to immediately walk towards me. I swung myself up into the saddle and took off back the way we came. I should have said something. Maybe I should have done something, but I couldn’t. My heart was broken and all I wanted to do was get away from them as quickly as possible. Once again I felt like the biggest fool for ever thinking that it could be anything different between me and Dante. I was just fooling myself the most to think that he actually loved me or that he was even a man that was capable of such an emotion.
I rode through the night, only stopping so that Thunder could get a break and some water. I was determined to not let it get me down. I had pulled back from Dante as much as I could before, but I had kept it going sexually between us. Now I regretted that decision. I regretted the way that I had let my body call the shots, even when I knew it was the wrong ones to make.
I was back the next day for breakfast and I knew that I had to move on. No one really asked directly where I had went so I didn’t choose to answer. Now I knew what it was and I had to act accordingly.
My stomach was still upset, so when I went down to the diner to see Karen, I didn’t order anything because I wasn’t sure if I could keep it down. I was just lovesick I guess, but it was physically affecting me, all of this nonsense.
“No pie?”
“It sounds good, but my stomach has been messing with me for the last couple of days. It is just the mornings though, so it will go away in a little bit. I might get one to go before I leave.”
“Then just coffee?”
I nodded my head and thanked her. She was eying me because she knew that something was up. I was going to spill it, that is why I was here, but I was going to try and wait till her break. She usually took one about this time and when she came back with the coffee, she sat down next to me.
“What is up?”
“How do you know anything is up?”
“You are here, no order for food and you have this look. What is going on?”
“I have been feeling sick last couple of days.”
“I tried calling you last night. Were you in bed early?”
I should have agreed with it and left it at that, but I never was a good liar.
“No, I rode most of yesterday where there is no service.”
“Why?” Again she looked at me like I was crazy. I knew that it was because I was acting erratic and not at all how I usually acted.
“Because I hadn’t seen Dante in a while and I wanted to see him.”
“Oh, that sounds romantic.”
“It was going to be until I found Barb lying next to him in his tent. It didn’t look like they had many clothes on.”
She was silent and I looked down into the blackness of the coffee. The color seemed to match my mood.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“So what happened?”
“I left and rode back to the ranch before anyone could see me.”
“You didn’t say anything?”
She was incredulous and I still didn’t know why I just walked away. I wanted to yell and scream at him, but I knew that it would do me no good. I didn’t want them to win in that way, to know what he had done to me. Furthermore, I didn’t want Barb to know that she had ruined it between us. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction that I knew she would feel. She had done it to me twice now. I should have gotten rid of her when I had a chance after I found about her and Cliff. Screw being the bigger person. That part of me was over.
“I couldn’t. I just left.”
Karen went into how lucky he was that he hadn’t done it to her. “I would have grabbed that little girl out of the bed with him.”
I stopped her. “It’s fine, really.”
“No it’s not. Why are you being so blasé about it Cecelia? I know that you love him. I can see it all over your face. Even now you can’t hide it.”
“Well that was my first mistake. I knew better. Everything I told you was true. I think that is why I am making myself sick about it.”
“What if it isn’t just your emotions running a muck?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you are getting sick in the mornings and honey, you are all over the place right now…”
She left it open and it took my thick brain quite a while before I put the two together. That couldn’t be… right? Oh god, please don’t let that be the case…