Blain
I’ve never been this afraid in all my life and I was there the day mom cracked a smile for the first time in thirty years. Tink kept muttering ‘landslide!’ out the corner of her mouth because she was convinced there was going to be an earthquake or natural disaster of some sort, but all it took was me finally going over to mom’s place, telling her I loved her and wanted her in my life and in our baby’s life.
You’d have sworn the woman just received the best gift in the world. She smiled, big, and then cried and Tink was right, it looks scary when she cries and yet no expression lines that face.
Fucking creepy.
But back to today’s dose of spine chilling fear.
The pool. Specifically Aunt Effie’s pool which consists of nothing but a homemade frame covered in a tarp containing water that looks like it breeds real life monsters.
“Tink, that thing is not safe. For God sakes the water isn’t even water anymore, and no way are you getting in there with my kid in you. He’ll come out mutated.” I grate, eyeing the sludge warily.
Tink looks fabulous in a hot pink two piece, her tiny little baby bump letting every swinging dick in the vicinity know that she’s taken if the massive rock I put on her finger isn’t enough.
But enough is enough. That pool is not healthy.
Tink laughs though and shakes her head as if doubting my intelligence.
“Oh, Blay, this kid has Egan blood too. He’s not coming out normal no matter what we do so stop whining and let’s go. Aunt Effie will be offended if we snub her pool and her boyfriend is still a hugger. I will straight up barf if he hugs me again I swear I will.”
I groan as she pulls me outside and stop dead in horror when I see Lizzie, wearing a bathing suit, sidle up to Ian and grab his ass. An ass that’s tiny, I mean miniscule, contained in a speedo. I shit you not.
What is more horrifying than seeing Tink’s mama in a bathing suit, oh God save my eyes, is the sight I behold when Ian Egan turns around and shows us all exactly what he’s got in that speedo.
I feel inadequate immediately and spot Gray from the corner of my eye when he gets a load of that thing. His jaw drops, I think he pales and then everyone around us-excluding the Egan boys-grabs their dicks, me included, and proceeds to ask God how a man that skinny could possibly carry that thing around without putting out his back.
“Oh, papa, gross. What happened to the trunks I got you?” Tink yells, covering her eyes with a moan that I feel in my bones.
Lizzie cackles and smiles gloriously, her bosom jiggling with every breath.
“You think I’m hiding all this in those loose trunks when I can have bragging rights showing off my man? Not on your life little girl. Now stop catching flies, Euphegania, and stay away from the pool. Blay, get over here and help Ian with the umbrellas will you, I’m a fair Irish lass who burns easy.”
I obey simply because I have no choice but I can honestly say I do not get anywhere near Ian. I just don’t have the ego for that. Gray joins us eventually and I don’t even flinch when he does what he does best and says the shit that no one else has the guts for.
“You have to pay parking for that thing, old man? Jesus, where do you put it in that woman? Is she still intact down below?”
I hear gagging and realize that it’s me while Ian chortles, his little belly rolling as he gives Lizzie an indecently lewd once over and shrugs.
“That woman can handle anything I throw at her boy. She’s Irish. Now stop yapping and get to work before those women realize they don’t really need us for anything and kick our asses to the curb. By the way Blay, I hear your mama’s got the hots for Uncle Stevie.”
Another reason I shouldn’t eat when talking to this family. They don’t shy away from things, even the grossest things. My mom has in fact taken a shine to Tink’s Uncle Stevie. The man is a terminal bachelor who wears his hair slicked back, his polyester suit from the seventies pressed just so and his serial killer mustache trimmed and groomed. For some reason mom took one look at those twinkling Irish blues and fell head first.
Those two are now inseparable and mom loves him so much she takes him to the country club and even introduced him to dad, who she divorced officially, at least it’s in the works as far as I hear.
Dad had a fit when he caught them canoodling out by the pool, seems he now appreciates what he once had even though it’s too late. I almost feel sorry for the ass, almost but as gross as Stevie and mom are, making out all the time and having sex in my guestroom the one time they stayed over…
I heave a little just thinking about it, but grin too because I love how happy she is. Stevie has a big family who all have kids and mom gets to play grandma to all the heathens.
She’s in her element and I love that. Especially because dad is miserable. I love that even more. Bastard.
Oh, and her and Lizzie. They’re best pals now that they bonded over their shared love of cheap red wine. Strange but true. They hit the church especially hard on Sundays or they did until father O’Leary threatened to kick them out. Two drunks at a sermon with one talking the Queen’s English and one degenerating from classy to guttersnipe was hilarious. Tink recorded the whole thing and we still watch it to get a laugh.
“Blay!”
I look over at Tink just as I finish setting up the umbrellas for mother Dracula to save her precious skin from combusting in direct sunlight, only to see the hairy behemoth known as Effie’s main squeeze making a beeline for my Tink. He gets to her before I do and pulls her struggling body into his hairy chest for a hug that looks, hairy, sweaty and everything my Tink hates most in this world.
She erupts. I’m talking Vesuvius, Etna, Freaking Fuji or whatever that other one is called and paints that thick pelt with this morning’s French toast and bacon, her force so strong I don’t think he’ll be getting it all out without a power jet and pool acid.
I want to laugh. Hell Gray is pissing himself and I can hear Lizzie snorting behind me when Tink pulls away, gives us all a sheepish grin and then purses her lips at Bear man.
“Blay, this is all your fault!”
It takes hours for everyone to stop laughing sporadically and Tink, well she’s oblivious to it all. I love that about her more and more every day. She has no idea just how special she is, how much she is loved or how thankful we all are every day that she loves us.
I’m crazy about her. Just crazy. But boy, if I had to be nuts for something I am glad as hell she came to me in a pink dress, looking like the brightest thing I’ve ever seen.