Blain

“I was so embarrassed!”

Mom keeps huffing over her breakfast plate while Uncle Ed and Aunt Char do their utmost not to laugh as I give mom a blank stare and keep eating, my mood so light after a night spent with Tink that I’m not sure anything can ruin it for me. Not even my mother’s histrionics or the fact that despite my best attempts at seduction Tink didn’t take the bait, and Mrs. Egan kept eyeing me suspiciously and sucking her teeth until we just finally left.

Leaving her there with Joseph of the soft eyes was hard but I did it because one, I saw her face when he kept hugging her after dinner and pulling her into his chest and two, Ian laughingly assured me that his little gypsy’s virtue was safe, mostly thanks to her and her dislike of doing what her mama wants her to.

Of course Gray laughed his ass off all night, even when we stopped in at the men’s club for a drink and met our friends and business partners Ty and Rus there. I spent an hour trying not to kill them all when they started ribbing me for falling for an Irish sprite who seems to have shoved me into the pals category.

Like I didn’t already know that shit! Her, ‘I am so glad I met you’ was sweet. Until she started yapping about me saving her from a shotgun wedding and then let it slip that she was super relieved not to have to replace my pants.

Ego. Decimated.

I woke up this morning with new purpose though and an optimism that I can’t shake, which is great for mom because I’m still grinning through her tirade.

“Blain George! Are you even listening to me?”

“Sure,” I drawl, throwing Char a grin.

Dad coughs from his end of the table and I swear I see his lip twitch before Medusa starts hissing at me again.

“They were all expecting you and I invited Gliss Humphreys to partner you. How could you not show up to your own mother’s birthday?”

Huh.

“Remember last year?” I ask sweetly, enjoying her flush.

“Don’t be rude, Blain, that was an unfortunate oversight.”

“My ass,” Char hisses, hackles rising. “You threw the boy a huge surprise party two months after his birthday because you genuinely didn’t know that you had the wrong date. And then you tried to set him up with that Lorens girl, the one who sounds like a braying ass when she laughs.”

My lips twitch when mom puffs herself up and starts fiddling with her fork, sniffing delicately.

“I have already apologized for that, Charlotte, must you always dredge up the past?”

“Yes, because I still don’t understand how you got it so wrong, considering Ed and I threw the boy a party and invited you. Remember what you did?”

I love Char. She’s an Aunt by marriage but the old bird sure loves me enough to defend me to the death to my own mother. I think she may enjoy ripping mom a new one every chance she gets too, an added bonus that never fails to entertain.

“I could not attend. We had reservations at that hotel in Florence and everything was already paid for. It would have been a waste to drop it all just for one night.”

I don’t even care that she finds it acceptable to admit that she declined an invite to my birthday and frankly, we all laughed our asses off when I walked into that party and told them all my mom got my birthday wrong. She was so mortified she left the country for weeks and only slunk back once she forgot what she was embarrassed about in the first place.

Ah ma, how you tickle the old heart strings.

“Edmund.”

“Don’t look at me, Cece. I tried to tell you that you were wrong about his birthday but you refused to listen. And Char’s right.”

That does not sit well and I can’t say I’m surprised. Shocked definitely hearing my father give mom a set down, albeit it in a gentle, softly spoken way because the man never seems to care. Mom thinks she’s got him on a leash but the truth is he just cares so little he doesn’t usually argue.

“This is ridiculous! Are you saying you purposely missed my party and embarrassed me because of one silly mistake, Blain?”

“Nope,” I say, ending the word with a happy pop before shovelling eggs into my mouth and turning to her. “I had a date that I couldn’t miss.”

“What! But-”

“Give it a rest, Cece. He doesn’t like those twigs you keep shoving at him and he despises a girl with big lips.”

Gray chokes and wiggles his brows at me.

“Unless they’re some other li-”

“Control yourself, Grayson,” Char says sternly, her lip trembling with the need to laugh.

Idiot knows I have a thing for chicks who are all natural and he’s using this torture breakfast as a lead in to Tink.

I shouldn’t mind but sitting at the table with four older people and my pervert cousin with a boner is not my cup of tea. Especially not when I start fantasizing about her naked body again.

Here’s the thing, I’m a guy. I like attractive women, yes, I won’t lie about that, but for the last years it’s been a real stretch to get excited about them in any way, including the sex.

I don’t want perky boobs that have seen silicone implants for years or that have been ‘lifted’ either. I like a nice rack that is soft and full and falls naturally, even if they sag a little.

I like a woman who has natural curves, a nice tummy that’s not flat but not a barrel either and when it comes to pussy….

Well let me just say that I like variety and yes, I will say it again, natural. I once had three nights with a chick that was a little fuller on the lip if you know what I mean and it was great.

Not because I have a fetish mind you, but I find very few things as sexy as a woman who likes her body enough not to go messing with it to fit society’s standards. I still remember her name, Janine. We had wild sex, dirty sex and I ate her out till my jaw clicked for days because I could and she let me.

Not once did she shy away or show embarrassment. That was great and something that got me thinking about where my life was going and who I really am. I never really gave any thought to stuff like that. I am who I am and that’s it.

At least I thought so until I started thinking and realized; I was becoming inured to sex or need of any kind because I never got what I wanted. I wanted a good rack to play with and all I got was volleyballs so hard I was always afraid to squeeze in case one of them exploded.

I wanted soft skin that smelled clean and felt like silk; I got lotioned parchment that has seen one too many lipo needles or diets and tasted like the latest products.

And pussy, I was getting something that was not only overused-no judgement there, women have a right to be sexually liberated-but the problem was going down on a chick who looked like she was stuck at thirteen thanks to having that shit ‘tucked and snipped’.

I’m sorry, any chick who is willing to do that is nuts. I got my cock pierced on a dare and it hurt so much I cried like a girl. The only reason I still have the piercing is due solely to the fact that the damage was already done and I didn’t want to waste the effort.

Of course now I’m thankful now because it makes sex a good, good thing with the added sensation but damn, mutilating your genitals is not something I find sexy, and it’s something that most women in my circle do on a regular basis.

Freaks me out. And makes me wonder if they’re sane.

And then comes the whole kids thing. If a chick is so obsessed with looks before she gets pregnant I do not want to imagine what she’ll do when she starts getting bigger.

I have nightmares of getting a chick pregnant and having the little tyke come out skeletal, holding a board that reads ‘Feed me. Will work for food’.

Okay, and I may have been a commitment-phobia too, I won’t lie there. But now that I’ve seen and fallen for my Tink I’m thinking that maybe my hang ups weren’t all about commitment so much as I was terrified of getting stuck in a marriage with a plastic vagina who starves my kids to keep her figure.

I cannot imagine my little fairy doing anything other than chowing down if she so much as gets a hint of a craving. The way she ate last night I was imagining a line backer in her stomach and that was just the food. You should have witnessed her delight when her mama brought out these little homemade donuts with powdered sugar on them.

Oh man, is it normal to get wood remembering a chick attacking pastry?

I shrug at the thought and find myself smiling anew at the wonder that is Tink. You think I’m screwing around here and probably feverish but I’m not. I adore that woman and fully plan to make her mine.

I want marriage with her and a baby at least every second year because I can’t imagine keeping my hands off her long enough not to knock her up. And I want it now. With her. So badly just thinking about it makes my nuts heavy.

“Blain!”

Mom’s voice pierces my musings and I school my features into boredom to look over at her, wanting nothing more than to bounce and go hunt down my woman.

“Mother.”

“I’ve arranged a little get together day after tomorrow to salvage this mess and I would appreciate it if you would attend.”

I would rather-wait a minute, I think, a little devil popping up on my shoulder. Gray looks over at me and his eyes widen before a naughty grin curls his lips.

“If you invite Char, Ed, and Gray,” I say, biting my lip to stop from laughing.

Gray smirks at mom’s sigh and nod and I see Aunt Char eye us both narrowly.

“Hey, Cece, is it okay if I bring a few friends to this thing? You know I get bored easily and I’d feel better if I could have some company.”

“Fine, Grayson. As long as Blain is here I don’t care. Invite whoever you want.”

I grin, I can’t help it as I think of the indomitable Lizzie pulling her nose up at mom’s menu, and old Ian walking around in his shorts and work boots. Abe and Davey will have the guests running for the hills and my Tink will give mom fits and make Char start singing the wedding march.

God. The little things really are the most pleasurable.