Rox

I keep crying even as I shove a spoon of mama’s cookie dough into my mouth, my wails carrying all the way through the house as I watch Rose struggle through the ice cold water, the sinking ship behind her dragging at her even as she fights to find Jack.

“I hate this movie!” my brother Cam whines, falling down beside me with a grunt.

He’s watching the poor beleaguered Jack swim with rapt attention though, I notice tearily as he grabs the spoon out of my mouth and starts licking at the dough.

“Well I like it! I like it a lot. Shut up Cam.”

He grunts when I grab the spoon back and suck at the remaining dough before scooping up more and shoving it into my mouth, sucking at it like a popsicle.

“Why? He dies. It’s so freaking predictable.”

“He dies for looooove,” I wail, crying some more when Jack pulls his Rose over to the wooden door floating in the water and soon realizes they won’t both fit.

Cam grunts, snatches the spoon and licks the whole glob off, spit and all before handing it back to me for a refill.

“He’s an idiot. Any real man worth his salt would understand the weight distribution issues and improvise floatation with the million extra life jackets floating all around them.”

“There are dead people in those life jackets!”

“So? They’re dead. The fuck do they need them for anymore. It ain’t like they’re gonna drown without them.” He snorts, taking the spoon and handing it back.

I want to argue the point because ew, but I so see his point here and agree with a shrug as we watch Jack hoisting Rose’s fat ass onto the door and pretending like his dick and balls aren’t freezing the fuck off in a painful way.

“Eh. You’re right, but it’s so super romantic the way he sacrifices himself and his life so that his love can live on.” I sigh, as Rose tells him she’ll never let go.

Cam snorts, just as Justin falls onto the couch to my left and shoves one fat finger into the bowl.

“Fucking bullshit. I tell ya if any man gets his nuts into water that cold, ain’t no amount of pussy gonna make him stay in the drink. And just listen to the bitch ‘I’ll never let go,” Cam snarks, snarling and curling his lip.

“A hundred says she ditches his dead ass the minute something better comes along. True love my balls,” Jus grunts, stealing my spoon again.

At this rate my brothers will have more of my spit in their mouths than any man has had in three years. Oh my God that is sad, I think, feeling another fresh spate of tears wail though me as memories of Ty hit me again.

“You suck Rose!” I yell, curling my lip and shaking my fist. “Is that any way to show your love?”

Cam gives me a sideways glance as I rail, my sleeve taking some serious damage as I drag it across my pouring nose and continue to hurl curses at the screen.

“Hey Rox?”

“What! Shut up, can’t you see she’s about to get rescued. Blow the whistle bitch.”

Jus just grimaces and throws an arm around my shoulders, like he always does when I’m mid meltdown, his discomfort not strong enough to override his brotherly love as I start sobbing loudly and shove an entire glob of dough into my mouth.

“I don’t know why things can’t just end happily.” I blubber around a chunk of sugary dough. “I mean, the Notebook sucked. Why did they have to die at the eeeeend?”

Rose is now on the other ship and just happens to find a big chunk of rock in her coat pocket, making me wail all the louder because I mean, I know how this ends and like every other Crocker in the world, we are mortally offended at the fate of that necklace.

I mean come on, if you’re gonna lose your one true love you might as well mourn in style right.

“Stupid bitch. If she wasn’t so hot I’d seriously hate her.” Cam groans.

“Dude, I thought we agreed that we don’t perv over redheads anymore after we saw Ro one in that bikini at Mari’s wedding. Jeeeesus, the pubes on the gingers…”

Cam just grunts and keeps ogling Rose while I sniffle and curl closer to Jus, ignoring his pit sweat and the smell of whatever onion he must have eaten raw.

When the old broad sidles on in her nightgown, I hear Cam gag and groan and giggle when Jus smirks.

“They never age well. I think it’s all that red that just seeps their power man. Don’t do it lady! Keep it, you know you want to.”

And then we’re all groaning and yelling curses at her as she tosses away a few million dollars worth of happiness. Not that she needs it but come the hell on, even I ain’t stupid enough to do something like that, not even for love.

Asshole.

“Christ, this movie really is a tragedy,” Cam mutters, groaning when I hit the playlist up again and the Pearl Harbour title comes up on screen.

“Not this shit. Please Rox. I hate this one. The cool friend dies and the hot blonde also doesn’t make it.”

“Shut up! I’m in charge of the remote and I want to watch it.” I bark, my eyes watering a little as Danny comes on screen and sets my bits a’melting.

Cam just grabs the remote from me, ignoring my slap to his head and hits pause, cursing at me to calm down.

“What the hell is wrong with you? The last time you tried to get fat and watched this sad shit you broke up with that Riley fucker and spent three weeks bad mouthing every man in existence.”

“Cam!”

“Nuhuh. Stay your tiny ass down and talk little girl or I will call mama and tell her you’ve got your period again.” He warns making me shudder and calm immediately.

After I got my period at thirteen I learned never to let mama know when my time was coming. For many reasons, the main one being that my mama is really into old world home remedies that have been passed down through the family. The last time I took something-ahem, the last time she found out I was bleeding and cramping she gave me some vile tonic that tasted like battery acid and made me break out in zits the size of little dogs.

It was so bad even my brothers refused to let me go to school until it passed but only because they didn’t want people to know that they were related to Rox the boil faced bleeder.

Since then I have successfully hidden all signs of menstruation from mama to the point of sneaking out at midnight some nights to throw away my pads.

“Okay, now that I’ve terrified you enough, you wanna tell your big brother why you’re crying and trying to eat your weight in mama’s butter cookie dough?”

Now my brothers are all assholes, all six of them and that isn’t just me being a bitch. Cam once told the entire senior class that I leave shit tracks in my underwear on account of me scratching my ass constantly from worms.

And Justin and Phillip showed up at my junior prom and flipped up my dress to show the granny panties mama used to make me wear. Now you gotta understand, my mama only buys undies and socks in two colours, black and brown. Mine were brown, big and hung at the back like I was smuggling a turd turtle.

Buuut, they love me. No matter how they tormented and teased me through-out childhood my big brothers have always been there to beat the hell out of anyone who messed with me. Just ask Dean Drumbly after he kissed me on a dare and told the whole school my breath tasted like sardines.

I couldn’t help it! My mama only fed us sardine sandwiches on Wednesdays and I was hungry.

“Cam.”

“Don’t give me bull shit now Roxy or I will seriously call mama and daddy and let them have a go at you. And you know how daddy cries when you’re sad Rox.” He warns, making me giggle.

My daddy does cry when I’m sad. The day I had to go in to get my tonsils out the nurses had to sedate him while I ended up reassuring him I would be fine. I was five and I still remember that little guy blubbering.

“I kinda sorta fell for some guy who doesn’t want to be with me,” I mutter, avoiding their gazes in lieu of Josh Hartnett and those sexy, soulful eyes.

God, I so totally love that guy. Yuuuuum.

“You? He seen you right? He knows you’re like not a gargoyle?” Jus asks, making me sputter out a laugh.

That’s his way of telling me I’m pretty and I need it so much that I fall face first into his big chest and hug him hard, enjoying his warm strength all around me.

“Yeah, but I guess…” I sniffle, pulling away to pull the spoon out of Cam’s mouth for another go at the dough. “I guess he doesn’t feel like we could go anywhere or something ‘cause he doesn’t want marriage and babies. Maybe, I dunno, he doesn’t want it with me?”

“Fucker! Where is he? You tell me where this asshole is and I will make it so he can’t touch another woman in his life,” Jus growls, his blue eyes blazing hotly.

“No, I don’t-”

“He touch you on the tinkle and then reject you because I will saw his dick off.”

“Cameron! No. I mean we didn’t do anything,” I whisper, my eyes going hot with unshed tears at the memory of what could have been.

I could just kick my own ass for saying all that stuff about being together and liking him. I should have just done what mama always told me to do and gotten to the sex first.

My mama isn’t like Lizzie and the Ro’s, well I mean she is but after she scared me stupid telling me that I would be ripped apart if a boy ever looked at my vagina, she told me that if I had to sin and be bound for hell, I may as well make the trip there worth it and enjoy the sex.

Her philosophy in life is simple. Cheat. Lie. Do what you need to make this life count and according to her, and my papa bear, if you’re looking to get a guy or girl and things don’t look so hot, pregnancy is not the worst result.

Just look at how papa caught mama and got her to marry him. Yeah. Not exactly romantic but according to mama the sly devil made her so hot for him she didn’t even mind when he stole her from her boyfriend and tied her down good.

I guess papa must really want to keep her because I have six brothers and papa still grabs mamas ass as if she needs taming. Gross. But sweet. I think.

“For real? He didn’t like want to sleep with you?” Jus asks, confused and a little non-plussed.

It weirds me out that my brothers have no issue with me playing the field but I have to admit, they give great advice about sex and getting out of sticky relationships. They also happen to believe that if a guy isn’t attracted to me there is something wrong with him.

“Well, he said he did but that he didn’t want to want me. Or something. I don’t know! I’m so confused. I even did the whole toe in the carpet, shy thing and he passed.”

“Bullshit.”

“All guys love that shy girl shit, even if we know a girl’s a whore.”

“Hey!” I mutter, slapping Cam hard. “That’s not nice. I happen to be selective.”

Justin snorts and Cam rolls his eyes.

“You slept with Finn. That’s not selective, that’s desperate.”

“He’s your best friend, Justin.”

“Yeah, because I don’t mind how stupid the fucker is but damn, Rox, the man is two short of a pair.”

“He tried that fancy sex shit on you because I told that fool it doesn’t work and he kept insisting it did.”

I snort at Cam and raise a brow.

“I almost fell asleep at one point but bit my tongue hard enough to stay awake. How a man with that dick can even do it so wrong is beyond me.”

“Gross. Stop trying to change the subject. This prick you like, he hurt your feelings?”

“Yes. No. I mean I don’t know. I was really nervous about telling him how I feel but it turns out he likes me too and that helped you know. But then he started saying that he isn’t going to do the whole commitment thing and how I was too good to just accept what he had to give.”

What a crock! Like hot sex and some cuddle time isn’t enough? If I was after commitment and a bunch of kids I’d have nailed Harvey like a beast and had me some bowl headed babies. What’s so wrong with just-

Oh who am I kidding! Of course I’ll want that with Ty. He’s hot and sweet and funny and he looks like his genes are strong enough to overwrite mama’s devil blood.

He’s perfect for me in every way and I know it and if I got me a piece of that dick, I would so have my eggs meet them at the door with a smile.

“Christ, Rox, if you’re gonna think that nasty shit could you at least just keep it to yourself!” Cam snarls, making me giggle.

“Sounds to me like you’re in a bit of a bind here Roxy. You got two choices here babe. You can either let him go and move on, wait for me to finish first. You can move on and find someone who’ll give you all of himself or you can fight. Now I don’t know about you but far as I know, Crocker’s don’t just lay down and give up.” He grins, making a spark of hope sputter to life.

Yeah! Crocker’s don’t give up. Ever. Did mama give up when she baked all those pies for the church bake sale and realized she was missing three false nails? No! She swapped them out with aunt Ro’s stuff and didn’t bat a lash when Mrs. Edelstein started choking and threatening to sue.

Did Tink just give up when she caught Fayette banging her boyfriend? No. She beat them both with her guitar and told everyone who’d listen that Fayette has a Hyena clit.

Did Lizzie give up when sister Mary Josephine caught her stealing the wine at church? No. She just kept drinking and told them all she needed an extra dose of the blood on account of her iron deficiency.

“I think I have a plan,” I say softly, smiling a little when it all clicks into place.

“That’s good to hear, Rox my girl, because I was just about to go plan B and call Joey to get you out of this funk,” I hear over my shoulder, my dread overtaking me when I turn to see Lizzie, Ro one and Mari standing in their doorway, grinning darkly.