Russell

The city at springtime is one of my favorite places to be. It’s filled with a spark of life, energy and colour. Most days at this time of year I’d be eating my lunch in the park or sitting out on the roof of the building where I’m able to be alone and avoid the walking oestrogen bags that have become my friends.

Today I am hiding. In fear because if I have to get another singing telegram with another asshole announcing to my staff that I have problems performing sexually due to sizing issues, I may just do something shameful like drop trou to disprove it.

I can’t though, Doris is like a hundred and ninety and may just stroke out.

The sound of my office door rattling announces the arrival of the hoard and I feel my insides twist when instead of holding, the door swings open to reveal a grinning Gray on his knees, a paperclip held aloft.

“God I love my mom. Old broad taught me some useful skills.” He crows before all three of them stomp in and fall into a seat with expectant expressions of suspicion on their faces.

“Soooo. Today has been really awkward and uneventful considering we didn’t even know you were in a relationship.” Blay starts, grinning at my scowl.

“Go away asshole.”

“Oh come ooon! Those personalized telegrams were…enlightening. And sad. And if I may say so, a trifle informative man. No wonder you’re resisting the speedo wave that’s sweeping through the family lately.” Tyson laughs.

Asshole.

“Look loser, just because you enjoy a frank and fucking bean buffet and showing off your junk in a banana hammock does not mean I want Lizzie looking at my dick in a tiny piece of cloth while she cackles maniacally. I happen to like my self-esteem just fine and while I’m not small, Ian was grown in a fucking vat!” I yell, talking deep breaths to calm myself. “And I don’t even know what your mother was eating while she gestated you in her womb.”

I don’t have size issues, just ask Ing, but some days I specifically check to see if Rox can still walk without a cane. The man is not human, that’s all I am saying.

“Big baby. They’re great to wear in that sludge pool of Effie’s. Nothing gets in there and I get to ensure that my balls don’t turn into toxic waste bags.”

“Yeah, like anything can get in there with the space issues.” I snort, falling back in my seat and closing my eyes.

I’m exhausted. I spent half of last night lying awake after those cryptic messages of Ing’s and I now know why. My mind knows her and despite all denials, it knew she was just gearing up for this.

Okay, so I admit that I set out to piss her off at the end there but what else could I do? The woman has completely shut me out and refuses to even answer my calls. Short of announcing to everyone at dinner that we’ve been having a secret affair for the last few months, I had to start playing dirty.

“Stop shitting around and spill the beans.”

“Like you do in those nasty little speedos? No thanks Ty. Don’t you three have better things to do than hound me about my personal life?”

“No! Come on Rus, this is some classic shit. You laughed your ass off when Tink made me suffer through weeks of rejection and the guys at the coffee house were giving me extras with every order. Gray got alot of interesting gifts from his scorned little hell cat and Ty…”

He peters off while laughing and I see those blue eyes go laser bright before Blay gasps and jumps up, pointing at me with speechless glee. The man looks like I just gave him a million dollar lottery cheque while I feel my insides turn to solid ice. God no-

“You.” He gasps, his mouth rounding before the jackass starts laughing so maniacally I fear for the carpets when that mouth starts foaming.

“Blain, don’t.”

It’s all I can get out before he starts having some sort of fit, dancing around and laughing while Ty throws me a questioning look and Gray rolls his eyes.

“I knew it was just a matter of time before they infected him. God, poor Tink, she worked so hard to escape the madness and now Blay’s finally succumbed.”

“This…no…oh my God! How could you keep this a secret for so long!”

No. Please no. Let it be as Gray suspects and Blay’s lost his fruit salad, I beg silently, thinking of what Ingram will do to me if she thinks I’ve spilled my guts. Rationally I know she’d disembowel me.

Gray looks stupefied and Ty’s eyes are so narrowed they look like slits by the time he focuses on me.

“Secret? What secret.”

“Blay-”

“Oh come on! Tell me this isn’t familiar! He’s been bumping uglies with someone for months and hasn’t once told us a thing about her. He’s never available. And now he’s walking around like a miserable loser while he brings packed lunches to work and makes his own coffee!”

“Okaaay.” Ty says, rolling his eyes with amusement.

“And he’s been at Lizzie’s dinners religiously, even if some of us don’t go.”

“So he’s like crushing on the red fox?” Ty laughs, making all four of us gag, me especially.

Shuddering hard, I throw a glare at Ty before looking at Blay, my eyes pleading for mercy. I can’t…those women will rip me apart. After Ingram kills me with her bare hands.

“Duuuude, come on. If it’s bad enough that you’re getting booger sugar in your coffee and the telegrams every hour on the hour, it’s just a matter of time before you’re up to your neck in shit. For once, we can help because we all have experience with these crazy chicks. We know what to expect. We can keep you alive. What did you do to piss her off by the way?” he asks conversationally, making me groan and close my eyes on a grimace.

“Don’t do this. Please. I’m already in deep shit as it is, I do not need you all telling those hyenas you love so much. I wouldn’t survive another day. She has actual feelings, unlike the others, and it makes her rabid when she gets hurt or pissed. I hurt her and just look…this was her opening salvo. I drank coffee from Bean’s this morning and felt what came along with it.” I gag a little because that coffee guy needs to see a doctor if that’s what his nose is producing. “If they know…”

I’ll have to leave the continent just to escape her wrath.

“Oh my God! Oh. My. God.” Gray breathes, making me moan in denial before his face splits into a wide grin and rubbing of hands commences.

“What? What’s going on?” Ty grunts, still in the dark, despite seeming to listen to me raptly.

“Please, just don’t tell them.”

Ty’s lightbulb finally flickers to life and then I’m witnessing a mess of hormones when he springs up and actually starts tripping all over the place with glee, causing my nerves to tighten and freeze up.

“Oh yes! I so totally won that bet against Rox! Thank you Jesus, thank you so much! I never…” he says, tearing up a little. “I didn’t think I’d have a happy moment ever again, not after she found out she was pregnant and…but this…this is so a win for me. I knew Ingram was into you. I told Rox the way she kept checking you out like a piece of meat was her version of attraction. Even if she does keep offering you Lizzie’s bread.” He crows, throwing himself at me for a big, disgusting girl hug that has me snarling as I shove him away.

“Tell us everything!” Blay crows, sitting forward like a high school girl at his first slumber party.

“Yeah. Are you in looooove?”

“Shut up Grayson.” I snarl, gritting my teeth. “I don’t need you idiots making things worse than they already are. I screwed up with her and she’s really angry. Rage kill angry. And I promised her I wouldn’t tell a soul.”

“You didn’t. Dude, I wouldn’t have even guessed if not for Frank from the Singing service. Mari and Rox are like best friends with the guy. I think he’s related to Ing on her father’s side actually. He works at the DMV but he’s the family’s resident Pavarotti so when those evil woman need to lay some pain, they call him. Good guy. Too bad he’s on their side because he’s afraid of them.” Blay says matter of factly, stroking his chin. “And Greeny down at Bean’s is Rox’s cousin’s husband. Dude has serious sinus problems.” He shudders, making my stomach heave again.

“I can’t believe it. You and Ing huh? I didn’t think she was even capable of doing a guy with a real ball sac. Tink told me Ingram only does hipsters because and I quote ‘their jeans are so tight their balls can’t possibly shoot live rounds’.” He laughs making even my lips twitch.

I spent two weeks convincing the woman to let me take her without a condom because she’s paranoid that the pill isn’t a hundred percent effective.

Ing once told me that she avoided me like the plague, not because she didn’t want to bang my brains out the minute she saw me, but because she bet my balls are virile.

I almost blew a circuit the first time I took her raw because knowing that I was filling her up with a part of me was a huge turn on. That moment right there confirmed to me that I love the nutcase because I am usually so paranoid about accidental pregnancy, and disease, I have to fight the urge to double bag.

With Ing though, I don’t mind the possibility of impregnating her, in fact it turns me way the hell on. A lot. Which is why I make love to her every single chance I get.

Or got. As the case may be.

“Why’s she sending you the douche-a-grams?” Ty asks.

“I messed up. My parents have decided that it’s time for me to come back into the fold and they’ve made it clear that they won’t accept a no. I was summoned to dinner on Ingram’s birthday-”

“Oh man.”

“Blay, trust me, I know okay. So I lied, to her and the rest of you and made up a meeting that would get me out of it. They even showed up at the function with a date for me, which wouldn’t have even been an issue since my tastes do not run to vacant blowfish.” I mutter, shuddering at the memory of those lips. “Unfortunately for me, my little sour apple decided to help a friend out instead of waiting at home for my call…”

Which I now understand was arrogant and thoughtless. I get it!

“Oh no,” Gray whispers, grimacing back at me.

“Yup. I looked up over the second course, while fighting to get that woman’s hand off my crotch, only to see Ingram standing there, glaring at me. A second before a tray of wine hit my head,” I mutter.

My parents almost had a fit until I told them to shut up and the blowfish garbled something at me that I still don’t get. Ing, she left without a backward glance and hasn’t spoken to me since, unless you count verbal abuse and death threats as conversation.

“Dude. This, this is terrible. You know that, right? Mari is like in the middle of a meltdown because she’s exploded outward the further along she gets and Rox is not doing any better. The only sane one in that whole group is Tink and that’s not saying much these days with the amount of time she spends with Mari after Blay convinced her to be a stay at home mom.”

“Grayson, I swear to God, you tell any of those women about this before I can get Ingram back and I will kill you. I have to figure out the mess with my nanna’s estate before my father has her declared incompetent and takes her home away from her and I still have to figure out a way to convince Ing to forgive me. Please don’t go blabbing to your wives and make it impossible for me.”

They share a look, one I think may be tinged with a little fear and then finally nod, making me breathe easier. For a while a least.