Grayson

I have to wrestle Mari out of the room and pry her fingers off the door jamb as she fights and kicks at me, whispering no, no, no, all the way down the rickety stairs.

Now usually I’d find my Mari and her moods amusing. I laughed when she tried to hammer me in the nuts this afternoon, didn’t I? And all because I told her to lay off the bottle she was smuggling in her bag, taking nips as we drove here.

We finally make it downstairs and I smile when I see mom, dad, Blay and the girls all standing there, waiting expectantly. Mari is stiff as a board and her mouth looks dry, as if she’s been sucking on Lizzie’s bread as she stomps over to her girls and starts muttering to them beneath her breath.

A small scuffle ensues where I distinctly see them going for each other’s nipples before mom starts chortling and breaks it up.

“Now, now girls. Let’s keep the violence down to a minimum shall we. Oh Mari! Sweetheart, you look fabulous. Come and give mom a hug.”

Mari, I think she’s got a split personality hiding somewhere behind those yellow demon eyes because she snaps out of it that quickly and smiles sweetly at mom coming in for a hug and some sweet words that make mom’s eyes tear up.

Dad goes for a hug too and he too gets emotional before Mari pulls away with a nervous laugh and swallows audibly.

“Er-”

“Mari! Stop filly fallying, girl, and bring them in. Char, Ed, so nice to see you all again.” Ro trills, extending an arm to show them into the dining room.

I like that. In our homes we’d do something like offer drinks first and then go in to dinner, but not with these people. No, you’re here to eat, you go where the food is. Although Jesus, how we’re going to eat with the stink that’s only gotten worse since Mitch parked his truck is beyond me.

As everyone moves, I see Ty and Rus come with them and I find my grin when Rus can’t stop ogling Ingram’s ass long enough to watch where he’s walking.

“Eye’s up, Russell!” Ing barks, throwing me a wink when he grumbles.

“Why? I like your ass. It’s fat and juicy.”

Well damn. I think Rus just got over being shy.

Following Mari, who’s got a death grip on my hand, I walk into the room where Ro has extended the ends and added chairs in time to join the greeting.

Across the way is a squat little man-Sweet Pete-who looks a little like Mitch but is nowhere near his size. His hair is slicked back, his moustache is thick and luxurious and his suit…is not.

Beside him is a woman-Fiona-with boobs so big I see Blay shudder and put his hands behind his back. Her hair is bottle blonde, pulled up in a high pony tail to show off the electric blue latex dress she’s stuffed herself into, and her lips are shocking pink. So pink I see Tinks eyes go round in wonder as she whispers ‘must have’.

To Fiona’s left is a short little guy, a younger version of Pete, wearing a sweat suit that made the one Blay wore to Lizzie’s look suave. And expensive. This one is lime green and sports a label that reads Dike instead of Nike, another thing that has Blay’s shoulders shaking silently.

The green is so bright I hear Mari mutter ‘I’m blind’ beneath her breath.

And beside him is Fayette, a replica of Fiona, with a dress that looks two sizes too small, in yellow spandex, and blonde hair so teased it forms a hive over her head that resembles a dead animal.

To this one Mari snarls a hello hooker, her lip curling as her eyes narrow.

“Well, sit down! Come on now Char, come sit by me while Ed sits by Mitch.” Ro says, waving us all in.

Tink chokes, Ing and Rox look anywhere else but at Mitch and I hear Mari gasp a ‘Please Jesus no’ as Mitch rises.

Now you should understand. I have no filter. Or shame. And I love this shit too much to pass up.

I start laughing the minute he rises, showing off a pair of tiny little white underpants that clearly outline everything his mama gave him. And just like old Ian, he doesn’t like cold feet or white socks.

Blay’s trying, I hear him choking along with Rus and Ty. Hell, even dad is giving it a valiant effort, but mom, she’s my mother. I didn’t get this way all on my own.

“Good God almighty! This family really is blessed. Mitch my dear man, I can see your tool. Not that I mind you know, but the detail is astounding.”

That gets everyone laughing, even down to old Mitch who doesn’t seem at all sheepish and before I know what’s happened, we’re all sitting down passing food around.

Mari is still a little tense and getting tenser when I lean over to kiss her cheek.

“Relax, babe.”

She just grunts and keeps piling food onto my plate, despite my protests and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m an anorexic when I look down to see two pounds of meat gracing my plate.

“Mari.”

“Yeah?” she asks, looking at me with something that makes my heart go light.

That love she yelled at me upstairs is new, a budding little plant, but it’s there and it’s everything I’ve wanted since I looked up and saw her sauntering my way that day in the park.

“This is great. You know that right?”

She looks around the table, curling her lip at Sweet Pete and his family, but smiles when she sees her parents and mine, Blay, her friends and mine…they’re talking and laughing, happy to be together.

“Yeah.” she smiles softly, shaking her head. “It is.”

I dig in on a smile and watch her from the corner of my eye, enjoying myself until I glance up and see something that makes me choke before swallowing an entire piece of meat whole.

Thank you God, this night just keeps getting better and better.

 

Mari

I should have known nothing in my world would go right. I almost died when dad stood up and flashed his meat and potatoes at everyone. I was this close to screaming in defeat when Char made that quip and even I couldn’t stop from laughing. You really can see everything and my ma always says the devil’s in the details. If she’s right, there’s something truly evil living in papa’s briefs. It’s big and proud and unapologetically evil.

The best part was when my papa just laughed Char’s sassiness off because that’s papa. He doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. He’s been coming home for over twenty years, dropping his pants and eating in his underpants and by God, why should he change now.

I adore that about him and love that Gray and his family accept it and like him-while mining amusement from it of course-because they’re just cool!

They’re so cool I don’t even mind that they know about how screwed up we all are. After Lizzie, anything should fly.

But this…

I feel my eyelid spasm when I look up to see Fiona’s football sized knocker hanging out of her too small dress, and just a I predicted her nipple is hanging in the gravy. Deep, deep in the gravy. So deep that it must be flavoring it by now.

Every fucking time! Without fail.

I can’t say if it’s because those melons are so big she just has no feeling left in them, and I can’t say if she just has really cold nipples and relies on the gravy to keep warm. All I know is that as my eye spots it and starts watering, Gray chokes beside me and starts shaking so hard he drops his fork.

His face is so red, I feel a laugh bubbling up but it’s the silence of the situation that really gets me because I know…

When the friends and parents go silent, cutlery clattering quiet, I know they’ve all noticed. I don’t even have to look, quite frankly I can’t take my eyes off Fiona I’m so spellbound, to know what I know. Sweet Pete is still yacking at Fiona while his eyes are on his plate and those two miscreants of theirs are oblivious, going full hog on their own dinners. But the rest.

Ty I see from the corner of my eye is chewing so hard to stifle his laughter I can hear his jaw crack and Ing, she’s purple and looking at me with a gleam that makes me wanna wet my shorts.

I can hardly breathe with the need not to laugh, when I hear ma’s gasp and then my husband in all his glory because I should know by now, Gray just is who he is.

“Hey, Fiona, does that hurt? Because your nipple’s drinking the gravy and if it keeps on hanging in there, we’re all eating dry potatoes.”

Fiona looks down, gasps and the rest is history. Gray’s laughing so hard I have to shove his plate away just as he face plants on the table and Blay has gone nuts, falling on the floor as he clutches at his stomach.

I laugh the hardest though because unlike everyone else my eyes are still open and I get to see when she pulls that boob up, wipes it off and pops it back in.

I’m still okay though, honestly only pissing myself instead of turning purple but the saucy minx-wink, wink-is so unfettered she slides the gravy boat over to Gray and smiles serenely.

“I’ll share.”

That does it for the rest of dinner. No one stops laughing. Not through ma making more gravy and passing it to Gray with a cackle, not when Sweet Pete keeps pushing dishes away from Fiona’s knockers and especially not with every dirty crack that Rox keeps making about circulation and nerve damage.

“Oh God Mari, you wanted to deprive me of this?” he splutters, wiping his eyes for the third time. “I live for this Mari. This is my place in life.”

“Shut up and eat your dessert, Gray, or I’ll ask you why you were looking at Fi’s boobs,” I mutter, pinching back a laugh.

“Mari, they take up half the room. They were staring at me. Where was I supposed to look, babe, the ceiling?”

We’re having such a good time, laughing, joking, feeding each other some of ma’s apple pie and ice cream, that when I feel a foot on my crotch it takes me a minute to realize that my cousin Fayette is at play and that she’s smiling at Gray like that canary who got the worm.

Huh, this ain’t no worm, lady, I think, snarling silently. But I’m a dick right? I have a sick sense of humour and my genetic markers are pure evil thanks to ma. So I keep still, even as those toes dig uncomfortably into my snatch.

Laying a hand on Gray’s leg, I stroke him just a little, just that little bit of teasing to get a smile from him that makes Fayette happy enough to shit herself. She looks so delighted and smug I have to grind my jaw to keep myself in check. And then I do it.

“Yo, Fayette, I know you’re all piss happy playing with my husband’s balls and all, but either you got nerveless toes like your mama’s boobs, or you just can’t understand that you’re shoving your toes up a snatch.”

Gray stills, looks down and spots red toenails rubbing at my junk. They all stand up to see, in fact and when we all start laughing, Fay lets off a horrific scream, bolts from the table and falls down the stoop steps with a yell and a ruckus that can be heard far and wide.

I feel violated and dirty but oh so victorious as I breathe my last chuckle and look over at Pete.

“I think your daughter’s a lesbian, Pete. Sorry, but she was enjoying my love button something fierce.”