Ingram

“Ingram Ignatious Egan! I know you’re out here and I will find you!”

I hear Mari yelling and swallow my fear as I drop lower behind the freaking bushes behind the shack my friends are currently occupying, the firelight in the windows calling to me as darkness settles over me like a blanket.

I am hiding. I mean you would too if you looked out of the window and saw a pregnant woman sprinting as fast as Mari did after Russell narced on me like a freaking traitor. Her feet didn’t even touch the porch steps!

Poor Jeff almost wet himself when I performed a samurai dive and twist out the backdoor and fled for my life while I heard Mari approaching, her breath huffing out of her nostrils like an angry bull.

That was like four hours ago and I am cold, hungry and in desperate need of a shower after my bladder gave up the farce and forced me to pee while squatting beside a bush.

My entire ass is itching, along with my vagina which by the way, did not appreciate the leafy wipe down and despite the darkness I can feel the rash eating its way up my cooch with a vengeance.

If mama could see me scratching now she’d feel so justified for telling the church circle that I have crabs, I think, crying a little when the need to shove my finger up my vagina and claw sets in with a vengeance.

I think that leaf was poison ivy. I can’t be sure, I mean it’s dark and I know squat about bushes-ironic since I squatted in the bush to pee, dontcha think-but if this itching doesn’t subside soon I may just do something that no sane woman would do and surrender to the maniac combing the woods for me.

“Mari! Come on, baby. You’ve been out here for hours. It’s dark and you need to eat and I’m starting to worry about the baby.”

You tell her, Grayson!

“Bugger off you big baby! I know she’s out here. I can smell her.” Mari growls, making my lip tremble fiercely. “Come out here Ingram. You have got some serious explaining to do.”

I can’t. I mean I maybe would have surrendered after that spider fell on me and I had to bite a hole in my lip to stop from screaming. If I wasn’t scratching my vagina like a flea infested mongrel I would so just go out there and lose a limb for the sake of being warm and eating something but as it stands the minute Mari realizes what’s happened I will never hear the end of it.

She’ll laugh. And tell Tink. Who’ll call Lizzie. Lizzie will cackle and get on her phone tree and by the time I drag my rashy junk back to the city I’ll be a laughing stock.

I just can’t, I think miserably, shoving a hand into my pants to claw at myself again. I am so miserable I can’t think straight. And I keep hearing that creepy huh huh huh killer theme song in my head! Which would be reasonable since Mair’s out there looking for me. That bitch does not need a machete or unrealistic walking speed to scare me. She’s done that since we were babies and I saw her eat one of my teddies.

Maybe that’s why instead of staying where I am I belly crawl right passed Mari and a worried Gray-he’s so intent on Mari he doesn’t even see me and I mean I am right in his line of sight-and dart behind a tree to the left of the hipster hideout.

I should go in there but I heard Jeff crying when Mari threatened to bury him out in the woods if he gave me safe haven. Nope. I need to get out of here and maybe wash my junk with battery acid.

From here it’s a straight shot to the rich cabin, the one with running water and a phone and maybe if I am lucky a car I can steal to make my escape.

At this point I’ll settle for a door that locks while I soak my junk in ice water.

Whimpering a little because I still have the irrational fear of seeing that hockey masked maniac creeping my way, I crouch and scuttle forward, breathing a little hard by the time I reach a window and jump up to peer inside.

Oh thank God!

It’s a bedroom. And empty bedroom. Pulling myself up with upper body strength born of desperation and no actual muscle because I just don’t exercise unless someone’s willing to pay me to do that shit, I manage to grab onto the window and just hold back a whoop when the thing lifts and silently opens.

Pulling myself up and into the cabin isn’t easy. I mean I have to stop twice to scratch and once to cry a bit when it starts burning from skin loss. But I do make it inside and even stifle the uncontrollable urge to scratch again as I hug the wall and slowly inch my way towards a bathroom.

Peeking inside takes two years off my life but when I find it empty I want to sob because not only is the place clean and equipped with running water, it also yields a first aid kit that has to contain something for this situation.

Logically I know that coming in here isn’t a good idea. Mari will eventually grow bored with trying to hunt me like a dog and come inside to eat. Or worship the devil. Whatever.

I know I should leave but as my junk starts throbbing from the damage I’ve done and the itching gets worse thanks to my evasive manoeuvres and the heat generated from climbing in here, all I can do is just drop my pants and grab a washcloth.

I must look worse than sad when I apply the cool, wet cloth to my burning crotch and dead to rights, I feel like a weirdo when the relief makes me moan in almost orgasmic pleasure.

Everything is swollen. So bad I see my inner lips reach out for the cloth in silent appeal as I rewet the cloth and press it into my flesh. I moan again, this time in despair when the itching sets in with a ferocity that has me sobbing under my breath.

It’s then that I hear a sigh and twist around to see my nemesis standing in the doorway, eying me with delight. Evil delight because the bastard knows! He knows and he knows he’s won!

Why couldn’t I crawl into Blay’s bathroom, I think miserably as I press the cloth into my crotch harder and close my eyes in defeat. Blay would have been so mortified to see my girl parts he’d have passed out and refused to even acknowledge this ever happened.

Russell just grins and saunters in, biting his lip in evil glee.

“I’ll have sex with you for two weeks after they sew my vagina back on if you promise never to tell a soul.”

“Nope.”

“Three weeks and I’ll cook for you too.”

“Nope.”

“Russell!” I hiss, blushing when the idiot drops to his haunches and shoves my hands away, his groan making even me afraid for the fate of my vagina.

“God woman, did you wipe with the stuff?” he barks, delving uncomfortably deep to assess the damage.

I slap at his hands and have to back up when his eye comes way too close to the box for my self-respect, his lack of boundaries so loud and proud I regret even coming in here, even if I am in physical pain right now.

“Stop it! This is humiliating. Just give me something to put on it before it swells more.”

“I could, but that seems awfully like something a boyfriend would do and you told me I’m not your boyfriend.” He muses, pouting dramatically.

“I will kill you.”

“If you survive Mari and Rox. Tink may not laugh to your face but I can guarantee you she’ll call her mama. And that’s after Mari ties you down and takes photos.” He says sweetly. “I’m pretty sure she was coming in when I decided to turn in. I could call her to help you out?”

Bastard.

I’d leave and tell everyone who’ll listen what a liar he is but I am in a bad way as the need to scratch inside hits me and I start sweating like a pig in the slaughterhouse.

“Please help me.”

“Hhmmm. I could. I mean I think I will. If you agree to give me another chance and promise not to sleep with other guys just to get back at me.”

“Russell.”

I’m about to kick him and make a run for it when I hear his door bang open and feeeeel Mari walk in, her brimstone alerting me to her presence as Russell grins and gently pushes the door closed.

“Ing?”

“Fine. We can date and stuff but I am not doing all that sappy shit with you like before.” I hiss, eyeing the door in terror when footsteps come closer.

“Cool. That leaves room for improvement. Hey Mari! I’m on the head and unless you want to evacuate your stomach before eating dinner, I’d stay out of here.” Russell yells just as the handle rattles.

“Gross. I didn’t find her! She’s hiding out in the woods like a baby. I hope she dies of fright in the dark after her lying ass lied to my face again! And you. How could you not tell us? I thought we were family Russell.”

Heh, the woman is a maniac on a good day and I see even Russell cringe at the sweet hurt in her voice just before something hits the door.

“It’s none of your business Mari.” Russell says, clear as day, making my eyes widen to take in my last good sight of him before Mari goes rage crazy on him.

“You can thank God Gray is standing in the hallway and that I’m still trying to keep to that contract or I’d hurt you Russell Mark! I’ll deal with you tomorrow! After I find Ingram and make her beg for mercy. Sleep tight Russell. I saw a lot of soft ground out there to dump your corpse in.”

Russell smiles as Mari leaves, the door slamming behind her, and turns to me with a grin.

“Let’s see what I can do about rescuing my kitty.” He crows, making me groan, my defeat a living thing.

I’m almost certain this is God’s punishment for putting mama’s underpants in the collection box at church. After writing her name on the label. Damn my mischievous hide. I couldn’t help it. I told you, mama has a thing for brown. And underwear that could double as a parachute in emergency situations. It was irresistible.