Grayson

“She sleeps like she’s being attacked by a bear!” I grunt, rubbing my eye where Mari caught me this morning while I was moving in for some nookie.

If I don’t get to touch her and seal this deal soon I think my balls will explode, and I’m not kidding. When they finally dropped sometime last night, right about the time she sauntered out of the bathroom wearing sexy little panties, cami combo in soft pink, I was full and heavy and ready to get at her pink parts.

I was so hard I grinned when the sheet tented and all I got from my little passion flower was a snarl and the finger. Before she fell onto the bed and turned away from me with a ‘I hardly know you asshole, work for it’.

I tried this morning. And now have a black eye that has Blay, Ty, and Rus laughing and swapping money. The scabs.

“This isn’t fucking funny! I have two days to get into that pussy before I have to move into her parents’ house and I do not want my first taste to be with Ro crying in the next room while she prays and calls the good Father.”

Blay laughs harder and I feel like shoving my fist into his throat, just on principle.

“You knew this wouldn’t be easy man. Come on, give her some time. You shanghaied her and took her home like she has no say in the matter. You’re just lucky she let you live after the spectacle at the wedding. Your balls drop yet?” Blay sputters, making them ache anew.

Christ, Mari has got a mean knee and greater aim. They still hurt a little. More so now that they want at her.

“Yeah, but I thought I could at least use my awesome sex to win her over.”

“Sex won’t sway her, Mari is a lady,” Rus says, before we all pack out laughing, so hard I see Ty grab his chest in pain.

“Yeah? Yesterday she made me take her to lunch. Some guy on the street walked in front of her and she started yelling at him. The curses she knows made my ears bleed. And that was before she slapped him, told him to get earplugs and made a nasty comment about his poor mama’s face.”

I almost ran. I usually find everything funny but Mari made that man cry and then marched off with a growl, leaving me to console him. I gave him some money for the ear plug fund because let’s face it, she was right and ran after her.

And that was just at noon. We then walked over to the park to meet Ing who apparently is into yoga, or checking out the assholes doing yoga, and I spent an hour listening to Mari tell one poor guy she could see his tampon string sticking out of his thong while Ing tried to cop a feel of some guys nuts.

Turns out men can scream like women.

By dinner I was beat. Literally. I felt like I’d spent three years in that park trying not to laugh while assuring one woman she didn’t look pregnant when Ing asked her her due date.

Those women are evil. Pure. Incarnate.

I needed a dose of Tink, stat, but when I called she told me to fight my own battles and then group called Lizzie who laughed so hard I just hung up.

Thought we were friends. Turns out Satan doesn’t do friendship.

“This thing with her ma though…Tink says she really has some heart trouble and it’s not good,” Blay says softly, making me swallow.

“I know. I spoke to Mitch at the wedding. You know that he had an accident a few years back and shouldn’t even be driving that truck?”

Mari’s father is an enigma. He’s been a garbage collector since he turned eighteen, married Ro and started a family. He usually drives, but one day on his route the arm mechanism failed and he got out to help with it. He was standing right under the half suspended dumpster when it dropped.

Mari teared up a little when she confessed they didn’t think he’d make it but laughed her ass off when she told me he sustained a brain injury that makes him just blurt out shit sometimes. Like Tourette’s or something. And at others he’ll get halfway through a story, stop and just carry on doing whatever it was he was doing.

I didn’t find that funny but I laughed when she told me about him talking to the Father one day, telling him a dirty joke. He was almost at the punch line when he fell quiet and walked away.

According to Mari, O’Leary had a fit and begged him to finish but Mitch was done. It took the Father three months to get to the end of that joke and when he did he almost had a stroke.

No, sexual innuendo about three nuns and a gay priest will not go over well with a priest. I laughed though, couldn’t help it because Mari confessed she’d told him that joke.

“Yeah, but his boss is a pal or something so they just never entered his condition into the system.” Ty says quietly.

I sigh. I love Mari’s parents. A lot. There’s precious little I wouldn’t do for those people but moving into their house is not a good idea. Not if it means my cock will fall off.

My phone chirps just as I’m about to change the subject to business and I open the text and splutter, followed by Blay, Ty and Rus.

“Jesus. I told Tink not to do it again!” Blay groans.

I can’t stop laughing when I look at the photo again, my side hurting so much I’m sweating. Mari, Tink and Ing are all standing beside a sign with a hotdog that looks like a straight up dick with balls, beside the taco the owner asked her to paint.

I love Tink but the Taco looks like a vagina, especially so, what with the brown curls of sauce that resemble pubes and the strip of meat that looks like a clit.

Tink’s practically glowing as she signs her name beneath the artwork while Mari lewdly sticks out her tongue beside the taco and Ing smooches the hotdog.

“Christ! Does she even know what she’s painting?” Rus splutters just as I get a ping to announce that he posted it to his Facebook account.

Here’s the thing, Tink’s what you would call a little oblivious. It took a while for people to convince her that hotdog looked like a dick. Mari told me that hotdog joint is so busy now because people come from all over to take pictures with the sign that the owner decided to use the opportunity to make more cash.

Apparently he’s expanded his menu.

Christ. That thing could be advertising a sex fest the way that hotdog leers at the taco.

“No. She’s oblivious to sexual stuff if you try to be subtle. I asked her if she wants some meat last night and she told me she was full. It’s not even as if I wasn’t being obvious. I had my dick out!” Blay complains, making us laugh harder.

Rus is writhing, Ty doesn’t seem capable of speech and Blay keeps sucking at his lips before he can’t stop himself anymore.

“God, she’s adorable. But this is too much. Lizzie saw that sign, caught a load of Tink’s name on that thing and climbed into the church’s wine. Poor Ian had to go get her before they had her arrested.”

Rus winces way too obviously and I see Blay throw himself at the man just as his phone starts ringing with Lizzie’s ring tone blaring. Having the phone yell Ronald Weasley! is disconcerting but I laugh every time after Blay explained the howler to me.

“You answer it!” he yells at Rus who’s already up and running out the door.

“Sorry.”

“I’ll kill you.” He snarls before picking up his phone with a wince. “Yeah Lizzie. I know. I’m sorry. Yes. No I won’t. Yes Lizzie. I know. We’ll be there.” He says, cringing and holding the phone away from his ear.

By the time he falls into his seat and leans back he’s sweating profusely and groaning.

“That fucker is coming to family dinner if I have to kneecap him.”

Mari

“You should sleep with him already Mari. Gosh, you’re just being cruel now.” Tink says around a mouthful of Taco as we fall into seats at the park and watch the fat joggers bounce around, blinding themselves with their boobs.

“Shut up. You made Blay wait a whole week. I can do it.”

I don’t want to do it. I want dick. Specifically that Mighty Joe Young Dick I felt breathing on me all night. It was so bad I thought it was Gray until I leaned down and peeked under the sheets. I swear it blinked at me and started weeping.

“Because I was scared he wouldn’t commit to me. Gray married you before he even test drove the car!”

“Hey screw you Tink, I’m a Mercedes. Top of the line! As if I even need a test drive.”

Ing, who still isn’t even talking to me really, just snorts and starts muttering about my transmission being as dry as a bone. She thinks I don’t get that but I do. And I resent it.

“What shit. You’ve slept with a total of two guys and you wouldn’t even let them go diving for pearls.”

“It scares me! Mama told me when I was seventeen that some guys bite. I’m still traumatised Ingram! I kicked Jeffrey Tills in the face when he tried to go down and he still has blurry vision in his left eye.”

That was a disaster. I never told any of the girls why they call me ‘Mule’ but trust me, I earned that name. I more than earned it.

I want Gray, I do, but I am a Catholic girl and you guys have no idea what our mama’s tell us to keep us pure. Tink believed for years that her hands would fall off and cried every time she got her period because she started using tampons and got a little too much physical contact with her lady lips.

Ingram thought that men had oozing sores on the tip of their dicks and puked all over her first boyfriend when he unexpectedly came while she was looking at his thing.

She ran home and scrubbed her hands raw, thinking it was contagious. One of her nails still don’t grow right.

Our mothers, they’re evil.

I still can’t let a guy lick the slicks because every time I do try I have ma’s voice in my head. And that just turns me off. I know it’s all lies but once you’re conditioned…

And then there’s the whole love thing. Gray was right, something I am shit scared to admit; I do love him. Like a lot. I love that he laughs at stuff that people have been criticising our families about for years. I once took a guy to Lizzie’s for dinner and he sneered at Ian. Sneered.

I love Ian and let me tell you, that guy will never walk without a limp again.

I like that Gray gives as good as he gets. I’m remembering a little more about the wedding now and I remember hearing him tell my dad that his moustache looks like an Italian chicks pubes are crawling out of his nose.

The man has no filter, whatsoever. And I like that. A lot. I also like that he cuddles me at night and comes back for more even when I woke up to his yell and saw a shiner forming on his eye.

Okay, maybe I was semi awake when my elbow shot out and hit him. But he was playing with my lips over my underwear and I was this close to coming.

Not yet. I just need some time to let him see our family in all its glory and if he stays cool, I’ll give in. Can’t go getting addicted to the man if he walks. I know I will kill him and like Char said, I was not made for main block prison.

I’ve got smaller hands and my skin is soft. I’d be a beacon for men-woman everywhere in that place and I do not like tight spaces. Between cellulite infested thighs. I eat beef, not cold cuts.

“Mari, honestly, the man is nuts about you. He wouldn’t go to all this trouble to trick you into marriage if he wasn’t. And he likes Ro.”

“Because she’s been casting spells over her cauldron again!”

Tink splutters and shoves a Taco at me, one of the ten she got earlier since the guy who owns the store gave her a lifetime of free food for her ‘exceptional painting skills’.

“Here. Eat. And tell me what the real problem is. If it’s the whole moving in with your parents thing…”

“My dad is worse than yours, Tink! He wears his underwear to the dinner table, while watching sport on TV and even while he’s watering the plants in the front lawn. He doesn’t wear boxers, Tink.” I whine, shuddering lightly.

I adore my dad but him and ma have a penchant for little white briefs and I knew from an early age what my dad’s junk looks like. I saw it through those jocks.

Ing laughs, despite her anger at me and Tink just shakes her head because they’ve all seen my dad at Sunday breakfast and it was not good.

“So what? He’s funny, Mari, and your parents are nice people. Trust me, if someone like freaking Cece can fall in love with Stevie of the Maroon suits and peach shirts, Gray won’t bat an eye at your father. Just give it a real try. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“He can take one look and run, divorce me and make my ma have such a stroke she’ll be drinking her whiskey through a feeding tube,” I mutter, giggling a little.

“So? I bet Ro will still be slapping at those heathen nieces and nephews of yours and having her hair set.”

Yeah, I sigh, smirking at the picture, my ma would never let anything get her down.

“Agh. I hate it when other people are right, little Tink Ginny pooh. Now I suppose I’ll have to go home and put the ball out of his misery. Thanks a lot. I was enjoying the way he keeps rubbing his nuts to check they’re still there,” I snark.

Ing splutters and looks at Ginny, but I know she’s actually talking to me.

“I heard him tell them to hang in there and please God, not explode because pads gave him friction burn.”

That’s all it takes for all of us to be screaming with laughter. You think Gray was lying when he said he used a pad to cradle his nuts after I booted them? I found one in his boxers.