Gray

The house the Byrd’s live in is almost like Lizzie’s, but I swear to God, this one doesn’t have a cloud, the nexus of evil, swirling over the roof, just waiting for unsuspecting strangers.

I like it and hate it all at the same time because come on, I like my apartment and the walls here are thin. Pulling the Lexus up to the sidewalk, I cut the engine and take Mari’s hand in mine, trying to give her some comfort.

Now my girl, she’s a good girl, but she comes with bad too, one of the things I love about her. She may be doing this because she wants to but she won’t go down easy and has been throwing a tantrum since her eyes popped open.

“Stop touching me like a girl, I’m straight!” she hisses, biting her lip to look up at the house.

She’s been quiet, sullen and moody at times and then overly bright at others, making my head spin with every change. It’s so rapid I actually considered a neck brace to save me from whiplash but I vetoed that because in that mood, I’d just be opening myself up to ridicule. God knows what she’d say to me.

“Mari, stop being such a spoilt Goddamn baby and get your ass out of the car.” I bark, going with an idea that just occurred to me.

I really should know better, ideas are bad, bad things to have around Mari.

She turns that beady eyeball my way and I see some of Ro and Lizzie in her, only her eyes are yellow, shining like a demon’s cackle before she slaps my head and points a finger in my face.

“You wanna live, Grayson? You wanna live to see those ugly babies?” she snarls.

I gulp and nod, trying not to look too deeply into her eyes.

“Good.”

She sniffs, takes a deep breath and gets out of the car. I want to say I follow her with confidence but the moment I open the door a smell like nothing I’ve ever experienced hits me. My eyes start watering instantly and my throat hurts so much from the need to gag that I feel my face go blue when I squelch it and hold my breath.

“Jesus, Mari, what is that?” I cough, shivering wildly.

Mari turns, a smile curling her lip and nods sagely.

“The devil’s lair tough guy, the devil’s lair.”

 

Mari

I haven’t stop laughing since I took Gray upstairs to my room and watched him fall in love with my bed. The way he carried on, you’d have sworn it was the best bed he ever did lay his precious golden head on.

I let him enjoy it, even let him roll around a little and breathe it in before I told him the tale of the lice layer. He went still, deathly still and his face! But the cracker was the way he just stiffened and levitated right off. I’m not kidding! One minute he was a plank of shock and the next his ass flew up without moving a muscle.

I asked him if he was a vampire because if so him and the lice would get along just fine.

He did not laugh. In fact he stormed off to work and arrived back here three hours later with Abe and Davey and a new bed. All shiny and out of place. Abe didn’t get why we were throwing out a good bed.

Gray told him the story. Abe looked at me for clarification and I just shrugged. Then he yeehawed and went home with a perfectly good bed, ribbing Grayson for being a pussy.

All through the next hour as ma and I cooked rib eye and sides I kept wondering if he was upstairs scratching his balls because he kept muttering that my bed gave him fleas. Me and ma laughed so hard at one point she had an asthma attack and I had to give her a shot of whiskey.

But I’ve been sweating too because instead of being normal folk and just saying hello, ma’s invited some family to usher in this hallowed occasion and meet the latest Byrd acquisition. Now you have got to understand what makes my fear spike so hard.

By family, I mean the nearest. And if you think Lizzie and her evil eye give you the chills…you should meet the gargoyles I call kin. My dad’s brother Sweet Pete, named so because he has sticky fingers and has made a living selling stolen goods out of his pants pockets. Pete’s kid Jojo, a man who talks like he comes from south Philly though he’s been born and bred in the Bay since his mama spat his ugly ass out, well he’s not quite right in the head. At all. You’ll see.

My cousin Fayette- the one I share with Ing and Ginny-the whore who still walks with a limp when Ginny caught her with Cooper Foster and beat her up with an old guitar. She’s got a roving eye and wondering hands.

And the crème de la crème, my uncle Pete’s wife Fiona, an ex stripper with fake boobs so big she always gets into the gravy. Literally.

“He’ll do fine, Mari. Calm down,” Ma says when I look at the clock for the hundredth time and let out a sigh.

“He’ll hate them!”

I hate them. No, I don’t. I love them, but God, they aren’t even an acquired taste. They’re like eating Lizzie’s bread, hard to swallow and dangerous to your health.

And papa. I should tell him to wear pants but I don’t ever want to hurt my papa’s feelings again and telling him to trouser up could seem insulting.

“Pft! That boy has the family spirit girl. You’ll see,” she says gleefully, smiling in anticipation.

The old cow!

“Maaaa, he doesn’t need to meet them all yet. Please. If you want his sperm to copulate with my eggs after this to make those babies, you have got to let me reel him in first!”

Ma’s eye glows and she gives me a glare.

“This family is more than good enough, Mari. He don’t like it, he can hit the road.”

Hell no.

“You want the divorce shame ma huh? Is that what you’re telling me?”

Ma just shrugs.

“Eh, Mari girl, you got options. We could always use free meat.”

My teeth sucking only serves to amuse her and I’m spared an argument when my phone rings.

“Hello.”

“Please tell me Grayson’s already met them!” Ginny yells, sounding so freaking gleeful I feel one of my eyes pop.

I hate and love her at the same time, especially when I hear snickering and realize Rox and Ing are in on this call.

“I know evil when I hear it, Roxalette Crocker! And Ingram, I swear to God if you’re laughing at me I will sneak into your apartment while you’re sleeping and leave one of Davey’s socks on the pillow beside you!” I snarl, closing my eyes when she snorts.

“I’d die Mari. Is that what you want?”

“Do I really have to answer that?”

“Hey! One fight and you’re like your ma?”

“Not like ma. I don’t turn people into stone if they look into my eyes.”

That makes Ginny laugh and I sigh in defeat when I hear Blay chortling along with Char and Ed.

Oh Jesus.

“Where are you?”

I ask, but part of me already knows and I tell you, my nipples go leathery with fear when the sound of car horns blare into my ear.

“Er, in the car?” Ginny says, sounding so guilty I want to start crying.

“Why! Why are you all in one car? And is that Tyson I hear? Why is Tyson with you?” I screech, giving ma such a start she spills the whiskey she’s trying to sneak with her pills. “Goddammit, ma, the doctor said no!”

I grab the bottle out of her hand and eyeball her back to her seat, taking a healthy slug of whisky to settle my screaming nerves. I feel an ulcer.

“Erm, gotta go!” Ginny yells, ending the call before I can go crazy on anyone.

“God. Whyyyyyhyhy?” I whisper to the ceiling as ma cackles from the table, her witch voice sending chills up my spine.

“I hate you ma. I really, really hate you.”

“Now, Mari, I could die tomorrow. Is that any way to thank me for sixteen hours of labour?”

“You had a C-section!”

“Well. Don’t you just know everything.”

I give serious thought to matricide. I can do life, death row. Cell block C with bitches named Bruce and nothing but a toothbrush for defence. I swear I can.

And then I hear it, the plague descending, when the door bangs open and papa yells a hello right before I hear the others yell after him.

“Hey, Ro! You need a watch? I got a sweet, sweet deal on a beauty!” Pete yells.

God help me, even I shudder a little.

 

Gray

I just get done on a conference call about the fixtures that Blay wants in the new hotel, when Mari tears into the bedroom at a run, slams the door and twists in a circle, looking panicked.

I’m not sure she even knows that she’s talking to herself but when I hear the words ‘must escape’ and ‘need to run’ I feel my own heart speed up.

“Mari?”

“You gotta know that I really love you before it ends.” She says desperately, clutching at my shirt with a death grip that I have to pry off before her fingers snap.

I don’t know what’s going on, but my poor little sweet thing looks so pale and shaken I wonder if she’s found out she’s dying.

“Mari, get ya ass down hee!”

That accent sounds like a Philly transplant and yet my ears say no as Mari closes her eyes and opens them to look at me imploringly.

“I changed my mind, Gray. She’s a fighter. She can call nine one one if something happens. A stroke isn’t that bad. They have adult diapers and chairs that can do most anything these days. And I refuse to believe Satan wants her this soon,” Mari whispers, looking at the door like a rabid dog is behind it.

“Mari, babe, I love you too. You just made me the happiest man alive by saying the words and I-”

I can’t finish my heartfelt speech because Mari slaps me, hard and grabs onto my shirt, pulling me down to her level.

“I don’t need you to go soft on me right now, Grayson Archebald! The jackals have descended!”

Christ, of all the shit she can’t remember about our wedding, my middle name couldn’t just be one of them and fall through the cracks. My cheek is stinging and I have the urge to laugh, I don’t know why, when the front door opens and slams again and I hear Mari whimper.

“Maaaaaariiiiiihihi!” Ing yells, her voice sounding delightfully joyful. “I got you a present.”