Ingram

Hearing that voice makes me want to jump back into the water and I give that machete wielding bastard some serious thought as I turn slowly to see Mari grinning at me while Rox and Tink smile and wave at the drowned rats behind me, their yells of ‘hold your breath airhead! You can float’, making me rethink my acquaintance to these people.

“What…?” I whisper in horror, eyeing the water again.

“What are we doing here? Just chilling, killin’, having a good old time in the wild,” Mari trills, her dark smile making my nips shrivel. “Didn’t your mama ever tell ya a pot plant is all the nature you need? Thanks a lot, Ing! Once Gray heard you were coming out here for a find yourself long weekend he insisted on coming out here too. Thanks to your bro Teddy, we got to hire an actual living space, thank God. Soooo, whatcha doing all alone out here?”

Her tone is suspiciously knowledgeable and I feel my heart spasm when Tink smiles knowingly and Rox just keeps yelling verbal abuse at Sasha who’s opted to abandon Rainbow and save herself.

Poor Rainbow, that black tarp is so gonna get her killed, if the fashion police don’t do that for her. Poor losers. I wonder what mama would say if she’d seen me practically walk on water to get out of there.

“Er.”

“Are you, by any chance, licking your wounds out here?” Mari asks, her grin fully in place and making me shiver with apprehension. “I mean the last time you decided to find yourself was after Willy Barns broke up with you we found you in the park in a tree where you swore you were gonna live in peace and harmony with the squirrels.”

“I was nine!” I yell, blushing a little because for someone who only lived the wild experience for three hours, I left something in the park that still makes me blush.

What! The restrooms where far from my campsite and I was afraid of the weirdo in the trench coat. Mama taught me about stranger danger and that freak was stranger than my little mind was capable of enduring. Plus, the squirrels were doing it! And mama believes in bran.

“Ingram, now you know I love ya and all and I am totally not judging you…okay, I am but this is me we’re talking about! Anywhoooo, what’s up? This is like your worst nightmares rolled into one ball of kill me and I for sure know that you almost died this morning when you put that shirt on. Trust me, I’m dying for you too,” Mari mutters, eying my shirt with a grimace.

“Flannel is in.”

“Flannel isn’t even in in logging camps and those poor bastards don’t have a choice. Now come on over here and tell mama Mari why my wittle Ingy wingy had to run all the way to the freaking wilderness. I won’t hurt anyone, I swear. Gray made me sign a contract to get the sex back and I am so not going to break it because I do not have ten million dollars to pay him and he threatened to sue. Or tell mama. Whatever.”

She’s got an arm around my shoulder and is steering me towards a picnic table while Tink hops around in her sneakers and pink sundress and Rox yells at Rainbow to strip naked and leave a decoy in the water.

I’m pretty sure my asshole is on lock down as Mari sits me down, all motherly and gentle, something that has my alarm bells ringing, and the others come skipping over, looking way too bloodthirsty for their own good.

“I, uh. I’m super serious about my relationship with Jeff and I thought I could show him that by doing couple type stuff with him? And then there’s the whole getting over my fears?” I say, cringing when Mari’s eye goes lava hot and zeros in on me with an intensity that has me sweating.

“Oh Ingram, it’s like you don’t even know me.” She says sadly, her baby bump sticking out when she starts pacing in front of me with a smile.

I’m almost certain I’m in deep shit as Rainbow and Sasha stumble over to us, poor Rainbow huffing as she plops down beside me in a bra and panty set that makes Tink wide eyed. I did not know goths like pink. Noted, I think, checking out her rack with appreciation.

It’s as I’m slapping Tinks hands away from Rainbows cleavage that a thought hits me and makes my cells freeze. Oh God. If the girls are here, their men are here and if…

“There you are! Good, you found Ingram. Hey babe. You take a swim?”

Gray saunters over and kisses my cheek just as Ty plops down beside me an Blay rips his shirt off to give to Rainbow, ignoring Tink’s muttering and lip tremble.

I don’t answer and not because Mari is scaring me, I mean she is, I am only human, mostly. No, I can’t answer because I am desperately trying to keep my face blank as Russell the weasel strolls into view with a smile, his freaking ass moulded to perfection in a pair of shorts that make my bits go molten hot with longing.

God, why am I such a sex fiend, I think desperately just as Jeff comes out of the shack I now call home, his nerdy yellow jeans making a mockery of the pancake ass I was trying to convince myself I want.

I hate this. I look like shit. I smell like lake water. My cousins are circling like bloodhounds on the scent trail and Jeff just has to choose this moment to saunter over and give me a hug while Russell bites his lip and gives me the bedroom eyes.

“Good God, if those jeans get any tighter you’ll have to see a gynaecologist!” Tink trills, making us all snort to keep in laughter as Jeff looks at her askance.

“Oookay. Hey babe, I was so totally gonna start the barbecue but I realized we need wood and I was wondering if you could help out with that while I look for the grill.”

I. Do. Not. Know. Why. You. Are. Doing. This. To. Me. Lord.

I really don’t because Mari packs out laughing and starts calling me Paul Bunion while the guys all glare at Jeff like he just asked me to prostitute myself to a leper on fifth street.

“God help us Jeff. Dude, we don’t give Ing sharp implements, rule two in Roberta’s instruction manual. Rule one is to never make eye contact but I mean, everyone knows that. Come on man, I’ll help you while Ty gets you all a grill,” Gray mutters, making my lips twitch.

I guess Jeff will live through the next four days of this suck fest. Me chop wood. The only thing I know about wood is how to give it and even then, I’m basically just doing favours since I’m not even into it all that much.

I mean except for my short lived romance with Russell, but he can suck balls!

“Hey, Ing, looking good in that shirt.”

I glare at Russell and curl my fingers when he grins at me and checks out my nipples. That water was cold. I do not know how Jason lives in there through winter. That’s just cruel.

“Suck nuts, Russell,” I mutter, baring my teeth at him.

Mari, who by the way is not right since she got pregnant, is staring at me with suspicion as I avoid looking anywhere in his direction. I can’t help it alright, my libido is a living thing and after two dates with Jeff and a very unsatisfying session with my rabbit and fingers, I am this close to doing something I will regret. Looking at him will only have me whimpering in need and I do not need this shit right now. Not with Mari’s eye on me.

“Aw, you keep flirting with me and I may just think you want me, Ing.”

Want? I haven’t done a thing but want him since I put hair removal cream in his body wash and listened to him scream like a girl from outside his apartment door.

All I kept thinking was that he’s got no pubes now and I can do a lot with a hairless nut sac. Why am I so deranged?

And I miss him. It’s sad and pathetic and I want to axe murder him so bad for it, but the truth is that I miss Russell and his companionship. I miss lying on the couch with him watching Ben Stiller movies and talking about work and all that crap he does that I don’t really even care about. I miss lounging in bed with him and making him laugh with stories about mama and my brothers, who by the way, she still confuses because let’s face it, no one can expect the poor senile old crone to remember all their names.

That’s just impossible.

I miss waking up with him wrapped around me, his hand on my tummy massaging away the cramps I get when I get my period like a fat lesbian and it’s so gross and heavy I have to stoop to wearing pads. Ew. I still can’t believe he bought me those things and insisted I ‘let it all out’. Nasty.

I just miss the bag of useless flesh so much and that’s before I even start in on the sex that we had. I can’t even begin to explain how he did it but I can’t think of sex with other guys without breaking out in a cold sweat and wanting to run to church to confess my adultery!

Gross.

And that’s without even considering what the father said to me at the christening. Can’t go there for at least three months unless I want to scrape corn off the bathroom walls. Jesus, those nuns have bad aim and evil bowels.

“Ing?”

I look up at Mari and feel my heart sink when she looks between me and Russell, her lip chewing letting me know she’s onto something here. Something I cannot even contemplate without a lot of booze and a new identity.

“Er, I think I should totally go help with the grill.”

“Nah. Let the men do that while we ladies chill out and soak in all this gross fresh air. Hey Wednesday and Pugsley, you up for some non-alcoholic wine and sex stories?” Mari asks, pulling them away with a frown, leaving me alone with Russell who by the way looks hot.

And lickable and-

Stop it.

“You could at least return my calls.”

“Suck my ass loser. I thought I told you I’d rather move in with my mama than talk to you.”

I was drunk!

Russell sighs and pulls me back down as he takes a seat, waving Tink off when she turns to wait for us. All I can focus on as his scent hits me is the view of the water and the very real hope that something comes out of it before I do a stupid thing like actually care that he’s here and not in the city with his precious parents and that blowfish with the blonde hair.

Oh God. I’m becoming one of those sad woman who actually care about their boyfri-

Nope, nuhuh. Not your boyfriend Ing.

“You have to forgive me Ingram. I was a fool and we both know it. Let me just explain what’s been happening and give you some back story to how that night happened.”

Usually I’d just kick him in the soft tissues and call it good, I mean I’m not really a listener, but for some reason I just sit and stare at the lake, needing to hear him even knowing it won’t make a difference.

Not because I’m unforgiving or anything though honestly I’m more of the vengeful type and I am not ashamed to admit it, but because I need to hear it all.

I won’t fall into his arms. I can’t. He didn’t just lie to me, he proved that I come second to whatever is going on in his life and that I can’t have. Because when we were together he came first, even when it sickened me and made me break out in a cold sweat.

I arranged my life around spending time with him, even lying to my mama and telling her I had to go to the clinic for a VD scare to get out of going to Obin’s court hearing.

Nothing bad, he was just caught talking to a prostitute and they wanted to nail him for solicitation. He explained really fast that he’s neighbours with Callie and that he was getting her key to feed the cat…he was feeding a cat. A cat full of prostitute pubes and bad decisions on his part.

I still laugh when I think about how he named her pussy Ginger.

Anyway. The point is that I changed for Russell. I stopped going out as much as I always did because he didn’t like that I’d dance until three in the morning, hit an energy drink and then go to work at six. He was worried about my health and okay, that kidney stone scare did get me off too much caffeine so I guess he may have had a point.

I even threw away my little pink book of secrets with my buddy’s numbers because it hurt his sensitive feelings that I was keeping back ups. In short I became one of those decent chicks who actually cares about her boyfriend’s feelings. I know, I’ll have to go to therapy for that eventually.

And he missed my birthday.

To you it may seem silly and I get it but you have to understand, I have ten brothers and a sister, that makes my mama’s year full to bursting with birthdays since each of us was born in our own month.

Mama got so fed up with baking cakes and buying gifts that she eventually made a cap at seven, saying that once you got to your eighth year you should know that she deserves a cake not only for pushing out twelve kids, but keeping them alive. And if I have to hear her sixteen hours of labour story again I will for real kill someone.

Yeah, so birthdays in my house usually consisted of mama lying in bed while the birthday girl or boy made her pancakes and thanked her for her sacrifice.

I haven’t celebrated my birthday for so long last year Tink had to remind me when the day rolled around. I foolishly thought that this year would be different because Russell insisted on making a big deal of it even though I told him I didn’t want to remember because mama would call and ask me where her gift is.

I got excited. Baked a cake. Put on a pound because after a bottle of wine, a bottle of tears and a lot of tissues, I ate it all by myself while watching…Lethal Weapon.

Sad.

“Ing.”

“So spit it out then Russell. What could you possibly tell me that can excuse you? How about, you had to do some family thing and were too ashamed of the little middle class bumpkin to take me with? Really because I mean I let you meet my family and you’re so square it would kill my mama if she found out I was with you.”

“Really?” he snorts, making me clench my teeth. “You tell everyone that I’m stalking you and you’re taking pity on me by being my friend. I’d hardly call that being honest.”

Okay. That is true. And yet I do not care, I think, narrowing my eyes. Come on! Even he agreed that telling people so soon would result in pain for one or both of us. I have a crazy mother and my father drives a cab. It’s like the mafia, but meaner because if my daddy ever learned that Russell wasn’t good for me the man would end up being run over by a speeding yellow car with a Hindi man collecting on the hit.

“Okay. Fair enough. That’s true. And yet you’re the one who agreed to it because and I quote ‘your mother scares me and I don’t want her measuring my balls for a cosy’,” I mutter, shoving at the hand that just miraculously makes it onto my thigh.

Pig.

“It was just a misunderstanding, Ingram. My mother and father insisted I go to the event because they wanted to talk to me about going back to the family business. I didn’t have a choice and I did not want to subject you to that on your birthday. Please, I fucked up but I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

And yet he did because I don’t think he even understands how important this year was to me. I made all these plans after Russell finally wore me down. I was going to share my embarrassing love of nerdy sitcoms with him and show him my Sheldon life size doll that lives in the closet.

I was going to let him see that I have a whole life outside of my family with dirty little secrets like volunteering at soup kitchens and buying my clothes from actual stores and not the goodwill bin at the church.

True story I once had to wear a brown suit to church that belonged to Mrs. Atkins’ eighty year old mother because mama got it for eighty scents-that nun saw her coming-and I looked so terrible even Lizzie cussed mama out and asked her if she wanted me to end up alone and talking to seven cats while I lived in her spare bedroom.

After that mama only chose the really nice clothes for me but it was so a moot point because the bras made me look like one of my boobs sprung a puncture and the boys would ask me if I needed a patch and pump job.

“And yet, it still did. You know the worst part? I was going to come out and tell my family about us. I even convinced Frank to show up at Mari’s door to break the news while we hid and waited for her to calm down. I was ready. I thought we actually had something and then you went and proved me wrong.”

“Ingram I didn’t mean to hurt you! It was never about lying to you or not wanting you to meet my parents. It was about me protecting you from them while I tried to get some things in order. I’m sorry. I am so sorry and I swear I will never hurt you again, just please don’t shut me out completely. We’re good together. You know we’re good together.” He says, making my sex tingle and moisten in a rush. “Give me a chance to make this up to you.”

“Nope. Ship’s sailed. I won’t do this again. I learned my lesson which coincidentally is a crock because I swore after I got dumped on prom night that I wouldn’t ever love someone again and risk my family finding out. Isn’t it just freaking hilarious that I broke that rule with one of the biggest man whores in the city. Stay away from me. I’ve moved on.” I growl, rising to storm away.

“Dammit.” He snarls, grabbing my hand to stop me. “You can’t sleep with that little asshole, he wears yellow pants with flannel. In the woods! And he smells like vanilla Ingram. It’s not manly. He’s not right for you. You’re my woman and you damn well know it.” He grates through clenched teeth while giving me those same puppy dog eyes that have worked many times before.

Not this time.

“Maybe not, but for right now he’s perfect. Know why Russell? He doesn’t expect a Goddamn thing from me except some company and if I want to, some meaningless sex. That’s about all I have the stomach for after your lousy diamond ring and bad excuses. And don’t you fucking dare tell any of them about us or I swear to God, I will make what I did to your coffee look like a joke.” I warn, flinching away from his hold. “I may not be into making you suffer the way Mari and Rox did with Gray and Ty, but I won’t just let you keep hurting me either Russell.”

And I won’t. I mean I love the man, it’s really hard to just stop feeling things for like the first guy I have ever truly cared about besides my daddy, but with some serious drinking and mama’s hate fumes I know I can be back on the right track in no time.

He used me. Maybe he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, maybe he just can’t see it but it’s true. Everything I shared, all the stuff I did to make him happy was him taking from me while returning nothing.

You know how fucking weird it is that I don’t even know when his birthday is because Russell doesn’t ever talk about anything meaningful when I try to dig deeper. It’s pathetic that he blinded me with sex to the point I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.

“Dammit! Don’t do this Ingram. If you won’t give me a chance I’m gonna have to move to drastic measures here.” he warns, making me laugh darkly.

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do, send me some more flowers and another ring to stare at? How about a car? I could rally use a car to mow you over with.” I laugh, sniffing loudly.

And then he smiles, one of those smiles I haven’t seen since he tied me to the headboard and forced me to admit that Clay Aiken is a real boy, just like Pinochio.

“I’m telling.”

I am not ashamed when I start running and dive into the cabin to pack my stuff. Nuhuh. Mari is pregnant and hormonal and she scares me. Especially when I hear a roar three minutes later and I swear, feel the earth tremble beneath me.