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I’m panting with the need to laugh as Rox, Tink and I hide in the closet, our need to giggle so strong, I see Tink bite her knuckle and shut her eyes as her shoulders shake and she lets off tiny little eeps of anticipatory delight.

We’re in the closet, waiting for Mari to come home from her job as….God I don’t know what she does at Cece’s company and I don’t care either. All I know is we’ve been hiding in this closet for fifteen minutes as we wait for her to come home and I am so devilishly excited to finally get one over on her, I can hardly breathe.

Rox, she’s burning with the need to do something but then what do you expect, Rox is soft, she cracks easy.

“We shouldn’t do this, she’ll rip our throats out and bathe in our blood,” Rox whines, making Tink scowl and tit slap her.

“Hush you. I need payback for the rat she left in my car. She hid it under B’s car seat and it took me forever to figure out what that smell was.”

Yeah, Mari’s been in fine form lately, ever since she confirmed her second pregnancy and Ro decreed it okay since Mari and Gray produced one very gorgeous child, little Miracle Vivian George. Mari was so happy her kid doesn’t look like Glorietta, she actually cried and promised to keep her end of the bargain and go to church every Sunday.

I do not want to know how a person like Mari bargains with the Lord, it scares me, but I can confirm that she does go to church. It just doesn’t make a difference because her soul is already lost.

I married Russell by the way. I had a Frozen themed wedding and laughed myself sick literally because I mean come on, I had four redheads to be Anna and you better believe there was a karaoke hour that saw them all singing Do you wanna build a snowman.

Lizzie and the Ro’s got so bombed they sang some Irish song that had their husbands chortling and exchanging money. I don’t know what that deal was but Ian made out well enough to pay Lizzie to forgive him for whatever it was he bet on.

She now has ten more of her house coats, all as hideous as the next, and she’s still pushing her bread from nineteen sixty seven. Rox also had her kid, Josephine Rose, a bruiser of a kid who looks just like her dad but has the serial killer personality of her mother. Marveline tried to give her a home remedy once and by the time Rox got done, well Marveline is legitimately afraid to ever enrage her daughter again. Lizzie was so proud she told everyone she doesn’t mind having a snitch in the family anymore.

And Tink, well she’s got B and her and Blay are happy. I asked them just recently why they don’t have another kid since B’s about to have her fourth birthday and Blay just said ‘got everything I need Ing. What more could I ask for. I have my girls and I never want Tink to hurt again. It’s everything’.

Awwww.

I do not have booger factories. Come on. You really thought I’d have a miraculous come to Jesus moment just because Russell keeps whining about furthering his line? Like I care. You’ve met Lizzie and the other three, what more do I need to say.

Kidding. I had one, a little boy named Robbie who I love, when he’s not chewing my nipples like taffy or pooping all over the place. Russell is a good dad though, he does diaper duty seeing as I threatened to wake him up with a full diaper to the face.

Aaah, so easy.

And now here we are, getting ready to finally, finally get one over on Mari.

Another minute passes and I think Rox is about to shit herself when we hear a blood curdling scream and then silence. It scares me so bad I’m right out the door with Tink and Rox, ready and willing to kill if need be.

We hit the living room and come to a dead stop, our fear escalating when we see and hear nothing. I feel Tink tremble and hear her whimper when a thump in the guest bedroom grabs our attention.

“Oh Lord, I shouldn’t have told the father that mama was hanging with the hookers again. He’s punishing me,” Rox whispers, clutching onto my arm as we creep into the bedroom, Tink’s bright green sneaker held aloft.

“What is happening?” Tink whisper wails, her face so pale her pink tutu quivering with fear.

And then it happens.

The closet slams open and a masked, trench coated horror bursts out of the closet, scaring me so bad I scream and freeze. Rox is gone. Like one minute she’s there and the next she’s disappeared. Tink just straight up faints and it’s only me left when Mari pulls the mask off with a sneer and curls her lip.

“Try again suckers.”