Mari

The smell of the barbecue and hill billy wafts around me as I shuffle away from the picnic tables currently occupied by every species of creature known to man, otherwise my family, and resist the urge to cut someone deep.

The yearly family gathering, or reunion as ma calls it, though why God I don’t know, since I have to see these beavers more regularly than I see my freaking waxologist…

Whatever! I am so over this already. Fiona’s already provided the next round of Youtube video, thanks to a game of volley ball and a tank small enough to fit a three year old.

I swear to hell and back that woman has absolutely no feeling in her tits. She can’t. She’s already flashed everyone twice, once when her mammary entities, yes entities since it seems those things are alive, popped out of her shirt while she was trying to serve over the net. And then again while she just happened to be in the company of my man and his family.

Thank God for Char who has absolutely no qualms, she just yelled ‘Fiona, tit at six o’clock!’

“Are those things alive? No seriously, every time I see one of them I swear her nipple blinks!” Ing cusses, pulling a face that has me shivering with dread. “Fiona! Jesus! Sedate those things before they take an eye out!”

Not even bothering to turn because I hear her simpering giggle, I flop down beside Ingram and Rox as Ginny takes the opposite side of the blanket we’ve spread away from the main crowd.

“So, how goes married life living with the parents?” Rox asks, grabbing a chunk of rib and digging in.

I remain silent, as do Ginny and Ing and watch as she mutilates and attacks the meat like a beast. By the time she’s done, the bone wittled down to a dry white slab, half her face is covered in barbecue sauce making her look like she just attacked a defenceless animal.

She doesn’t even notice the carnage and since I’m not all that generous in the first place I don’t say a thing while Ginny and Ing suck at their teeth to hold in their laughter.

Rox, my sweet innocent little lamb is a beast with food. She once bit her own mother for daring to reach for the last chicken leg and that was the first indication of who Roxeletta Crocker truly is.

She was five at the time and missing one front tooth but Aunt Roberta still has the scar to prove that it’s not the hardware that counts, but the programming.

“Crappy. I haven’t been able to have sex since ma walked in on Gray loving on my junk,” I mutter, feeling harassed by the very thought of ever having sex again. I’m still so traumatised I can’t look at ma and that’s telling because I usually tried to avoid it anyway, her being the bringer of all evil and what not.

Ginny whines on a laugh and seems a lot interested in her own food as I flop back onto Ing’s lap and grieve the loss of all sexual need from here on out.

Poor Gray’s ready to climb the walls he’s so horny while all I can think about is my ma, those eyes and the family phone tree. Lizzie’s been trying to corner me for over an hour already and cousin Jojo keeps shoving two fingers over his mouth and flicking his tongue in a parady of oral sex.

“Oh gosh, Mari, that sucks, it really does,” Ing says sweetly, cackling like an ass. “Oops, sorry, guess no one’s sucking anything at the moment.”

That genetic disposition I’ve been trying to overcome by drinking holy water rears its ugly head and I think I feel one eye change colour as I glare at her and bite into the tip of my tongue.

“You wanna die today, Ingram?”

The witch just smirks and shrugs softly, watching Rox attack a potato salad like a mad woman. Christ am I glad I didn’t have to share meals with her in my house. Between the older sibs and Rox I’d have been skulking around like Kate Freaking Moss, imitating the dead, or as Ing says, looking like my ma’s genes intended.

“Only if I can go wherever The Ro’s aren’t going.” She smirks. “I think I’ll like heaven.”

Her sigh has us all chuckling. No one in their right mind would ever think those old biddies are going to a good place. Ma’s one cloven hoof from showing her true form and I bet Lizzie spends an hour or two every morning with Uncle Ian’s grinder, getting rid of her horns.

“You said it sister. Anyway, I’m this close to killing her anyway so I won’t be going without sex for much longer.”

“Sure. That lesbian sex in prison must be something if you’re willing to give everything up by killing Medusa.”

“Hey, I thought we agreed Lizzie is Medusa and ma is one of her handmaidens.”

“Nope.” Tink says, casting a quick look around for ears. “We agreed that Ro is in fact Medusa because my mama is Satan. She has to be, I’ve seen her naked,” she whispers, shivering delicately.

“Yeah? Well Mari’s ma saw her husband’s balls. Back shot. Bet she got a real thrill from that one.”

“Shut the hell up, Ingram! God. I want to live to at least thirty without ending up on the national news,” I croak, opening one eye to check on Gray who is decidedly happy and enjoying the shit out of the family reunion if the sound of his laughter is anything to go by.

Ingram snorts and grabs a piece of bread-made by her mama, not Lizzie, thank God-her eyes dancing as she watches Blay get cornered by Fayette who seems plenty grabsy for a girl who’s got a few broken bones already.

“Honestly Mari, this is funny shit and I am enjoying the hell out of it but I say you take Gray up on his offer to hire your ma a nurse and move back into his place.”

This is the first time she’s said anything that doesn’t involve hysterical laughter so I actually pause as I watch Blay start running towards us, his desperation as Fay turns to come after him making his wife hoot with laughter.

I don’t laugh though because I’m completely engrossed in the idea of saving my marriage, sanity and sex life by moving back into my own home with Gray. So I can let my husband eat my junk without breaking out in a cold sweat and seeing ma’s face.

Trust me, nothing gets wet or tingling with that ugly mug swimming in your mind’s eye. Nothing. At this rate I’ll have to buy out stock in KY and Doctor Phil just to let Gray look at me with lust.

Guilt plagues me though, despite the excitement that starts bubbling up in me and I feel my eyes mist a little at the thought of leaving ma alone in her time of need and weakness.

“Blay calm down! It’s not like I can blame Fay. You’ve got good balls.” Ginny says matter of factly, leaning in to cop a feel of Blay in broad daylight.

“Euphegenia George! Jesus is watching your indecency,” Lizzie yells so loudly everyone turns to look our way.

Ginny just giggles and throws Lizzie a smirk as Blay struggles to bat her hand away and looks for all the world as if he’s ready to dig his own grave.

“Get over it! And while you’re at it stop trying to feed that fucking bread to the younger children! No one in this family is married to a dentist ma! Think of the bills.”

Lizzie’s eye goes crazy and she huffs out a muttered curse that the entire city can hear while everyone grins and just goes back to whatever they were doing.

That’s the crazy in them all though, in me too, because anyone normal would have been shocked to hear a mother and pregnant daughter bantering back and forth about a man’s balls.

We all just find it normal and how messed up is that?

I’m just about done thinking, mostly decided on the fact that I am so ready to go home and reclaim my life by leaving ma in the capable hands of a medical professional when I hear a voice that makes me want to disappear.

“Mari! Hey.”

I look up despite the need to ignore him and feel my world come to a complete halt when I feel two blazing blue eyes focus on me from across the park.

I should lay in some back story here so you all can get why I want to vanish and never reappear again. I’m a fraud. You know this acid tipped tongue and ingenious flare for insulting people?

It’s not always me.

No, I can be sweet and decent just like everyone else on any given day. And I usually am unless I am pissed.

In fact I am nice okay! It’s gross! I don’t like it and in this family it’s akin to going into shark infested waters with an artery bleeding merrily into shark infested waters. Being nice in this bitch is like making yourself chum and just advertising weakness to a pack of rabid dogs. Or sharks. Whatever!

The point is…I can be nice okay. Away from my friends and family. In secret. Like a fat person who smuggles salami under their sweaty pits just waiting for that one moment to gobble it down when no one’s looking.

And my niceness shows itself in an extremely embarrassing way. Because I get people. And I’m easy to talk to. And-

“I was telling the guys that you’ve been gone for a while and we were planning to call you for a group session,” Paulie says, cutting into my thoughts so harshly that I feel my pits start pouring with the flop sweat.

“Uh, no, uh, I’ve been busy,” I say lamely, standing and inching myself away as Gray comes closer and the entire family goes quite, like a filed full of flesh eating Zombies catching the scent of fresh brains.

All eyes are on me. Watching. Just waiting for that one tiny piece of information that all predators watch for, that one show of weakness that I cannot afford.

Paulie cocks his head, ignoring my wild eyes and subtle head shakes.

“Mari-”

“Fuhmmmoooff!” I hiss, swallowing loudly as Gray reaches us, those blue eyes narrowed when Paulie reaches a hand out to touch me.

“You okay, Mari?”

Everyone. Watching. Waiting.

I sweat harder when Gray pulls me into his side, growling low in his chest and feel my skin crawl when the two Ro’s and Lizzie start floating over to us, in that way that pure evil has of moving, their narrowed eyes trained on me and this ‘outsider’.

“Mari?”

I ignore Gray and his territorial crap, and open my eyes wider at Paulie, my nether bits quivering when Satan and her hoard reach us and see ma sniffing at me. Honest to God sniffing as if she can find my secrets this way.

Help me, Jesus.

This is what you get for trying to abandon your mother Mari, my inner voice whispers fearfully, cowering a little when Lizzie narrows her eyes and hums.

“You want some bread?”

Everyone goes quieter, real quiet as Paulie who’s looking bemused by it all just shrugs and starts reaching for the death dough.

I sweat a little harder, my lips sealed as I try to ignore my guilt and just let him take one for me.

He’ll die if he eats that bread, Mari.

Yeah. So? It’s his own fault for walking over here like he has a right to just out me this way. His own fault! Not mine. So what? Just one casualty for my life, I whine inside, gritting my teeth as Lizzie smiles over at me, daring me to talk before the poor innocent man that just happened to stumble into our midst dies a horrible death.

I have no out here and I know. Everything is going in slow motion. Everyone’s watching me. Waiting for me to crack. Waiting to see if I’ll let this man suffer.

“Stop!” I yell, cracking like a bitch as I slap Paulie hard, sending the bread flying.

I could laugh when it sails over everyone, all heads turning to watch as it hits a tree branch and sheers it clean off before plummeting to the grass and hitting so hard it burrows deep and lands with a heavy thud.

“Mari!” Ma gasps, the terrible actress. “That was just rude.”

“This generation,” Ro two sighs.

“It’s gourmet!” Lizzie yells, making everyone else cackle.

And then I do what I shouldn’t, because I know I will only have mere hours to live if I let them in on my dirty little secret. I spill.

“He’s my friend! Don’t hurt the civilians Lizzie.”

“Mari!” ma gasps, her red eyes shining with glee as she plays her part to its last-as if anyone who sees her smoking devil’s carcass could believe she’s capable of good.

“He’s just a friend.”

Backtrack. Now. Before he talks. He’s not like us. He’s a clueless civilian who grew up with normalcy. He’ll rat you out without batting a lash.

“Friend?” Paulie laughs, making me try in vain to break away from Grayson and make a run for it.

The fiend holds on as if he too has smelled blood in the water and smiles down at me with anticipation. The bastard. The sexy asshole!

“We’re not just friends, Mari. You saved my life, sweetheart. Come on now and don’t be shy. You deserve recognition for all the work you’ve done with so many needy, unloved men.”

Kill me Jesus. Let me go in peace.

“Mari?” Lizzie asks. “What is this? Is this one of your men friends? The many father O’Leary saw traipsing into your apartment all those nights? Oh sweet Jesus! They were clients weren’t they? Lord above.”

Her gasp is meant to be shocked. All I see is evil and anticipation as Paulie starts shaking his head. I have self-respect, I do, but survival dictates that I either kill Paulie or cop to being a prostitute. I know I should kill and kill quick.

Hind sight is a bitch.

“Yes! A client. He, uh, he was one of mine before I came to Jesus and cleaned up my despicable ways.” I yell, feeling Gray tense and look down at me in confusion.

He more than anyone knows that it can’t be true and I am so depending on his loyalty and love to bring me through this-

“That can’t be true Mari-Oomph! Ow woman!”

“It is true. I was a hooker. A prostitute. I slept with strangers for money and-”

“No she didn’t. You kidder.” Paulie laughs, making me cry a little inside when ma bares her teeth at me in glee. “She’s a councillor for gay men and women who are coming out. I was about ready to harm myself after my parents disowned me until I met Mari. She told me that I was perfect just like God made me. She saved my life.”

And now, I want to die, I think as everyone turns to me in horror.

“Catch me, Lizzie,” Ma wails, falling into a faint.

And that pretty much says it all as pandemonium erupts and the vultures start swarming.

“Mari! You know how to be kind?”

“I got a boil that needs lancing! Be kind to me Mari.” Joe yells

“The demons! Oh Lord they’ve finally possessed my sweet child Roberta. Mari hasn’t been kind since that sixteen hour labour. God save her.” Ma wails again as my shocked cohorts and husband all look at me as if I just sprouted a second or third head.

“I’ll talk to Father O’Leary tomorrow.” I concede all on my own as dark smiles abound all around me.

It’s the least I can do since I’m pretty sure he’s the only one who can save me now considering Gray’s wicked smile and the chuckles that reach me when Lizzie smiles and narrows her eyes.

“You must have taken the wrong kid at the hospital, Ro. This one has a soul.”

“You’re telling me,” I mutter, swallowing loudly.