Grayson

“This is the worst idea you’ve ever had. Oh Gray. Please don’t let her kill you before I get grandchildren.” Mom moans, fixing my bow tie for the fourth time as she tries to calm her nerves.

The place is packed to the rafters with family, business associates, and after a long talk with Mitch Byrd-who I tried to punch by the way-even Mari’s parents will be attending the big day.

Turns out I owe Lizzie a talking to about those leading accusations. I should have known Mari’s mama wouldn’t ever let a soul lay hands on her precious girl.

“I still can’t believe she lied to me mom. Have you seen Mitch! He’s fucking mammoth big. I hit him and all he did was twitch and stare me down. I think my pinkie’s broken.” I whine.

“Stop being a baby! Oh God, this will be a disaster.” Mom moans, wringing her hands. “If the cops come, you’re on your own Grayson. I can’t do prison. I have soft hands and a weak upper body. They’d wear me down and use me like a hillbilly tampon.”

Side note for those who don’t get it. A hillbilly tampon is a rolled up piece of cotton ball that gets washed, hung on the clothes line and passed around. Like the family towel. All have access.

She only uses that one when she’s really upset.

“Mom. It’ll be fine.” I assure, though God knows I am lying through my teeth.

I’m scared as shit.

“Your dad and his cousin are ready. Where is Lizzie? God that woman. Tink’s right, she must be mad. Insane. It’s that bread, it’s addled her brain.”

I laugh for the first time since I woke this morning and take mom’s hands in mine, struggling with my mirth when she looks up at me, fearfully.

“I met Rowena. She’s not right upstairs Gray. Mari’s her blood. What if Mari kills you? What if Ro kills you.”

A possibility. Until I can charm her with my awesome dick. And tongue.

“She won’t. You haven’t seen her grandkids, mom. Trust me, she’s all in.”

I’ve seen the family photo albums. I feel bad shuddering every time I see those kids but I feel okay because Mitch crosses himself when no one’s looking.

The door to the living room bangs open before I can reassure her and Lizzie and Ro stumble in with Mari, who’s singing about grapes and legs and going down on herself because she’s spaghetti.

She looks so good in the dress and sneakers, my promise to Tink to get her on board, that I freeze and feel my lungs constrict. She’s perfect. All mine. And completely wasted.

I know because she’s smiling at me as Lizzie shoves her my way and mutters a prayer for her wicked soul.

“Hey, Gray. Look so handsome. Wanna do me? Saw your junk at Effie’s. It’s big. Think you should have it looked at for mutation.”

Mom rolls her eyes and blushes.

“You’re giving him shit for that? Have you not seen Ian! I’d run if that was coming at me and I’ve been held at gunpoint!” Mom chokes, making Mari sputter and Lizzie cackle.

“Shut up Mari. For God sakes! I’ll have to go to church a lot more if she’s gotten this bad,” Ro mutters, shaking her head at me. “Good luck. She was blowing spit bubbles in the car.”

Lizzie cackles at that and I look down to see Mari, squinting at my crotch with a cute little frown that scrunches her nose.

“Don’t feel bad, I think Ian grew it that long so he doesn’t have to get too close to Lizzie during coitus,” she whispers.

Mom chokes because it’s a stage whisper that echoes around the room and Lizzie puffs up like a hen on the prowl, her eye narrowing dangerously.

“Mari.”

I cough her name through a choked laugh and swallow when Lizzie eyeballs me.

“Had a ‘piphany,” she mutters.

I have no idea what she’s saying because my sweetheart starts pawing at my crotch with zeal while her mother falls against Lizzie, moaning dramatically about souls and her poor heart.

“Babe.”

“Hhhmm?”

Mari isn’t listening and mom’s choking as she tries to unzip my pants right in front of the three old biddies.

“Er, you should stop. Shit, stop that, Mari!”

Mari pouts and shoves her lips out when I lower her to the couch, bending down to lick at her shin while Ro starts crying hysterically.

“Those babies better be gorgeous Lizzie.” She weeps, making Lizzie suck her teeth.

“They could be average and still outshine the monsters you got now. Someone should send Glorietta to the dentist. That tooth will take out someone’s eye!”

I want to laugh. Usually I’d be pissing myself at this exchange, especially when Ro slaps her head and Lizzie counters with a fist to her boob but Mari’s now flitting around the room, singing about peanut butter and jelly and waving her hands around her thrusting crotch, which she’s named peanut butter apparently.

“Cause it’s sweet and gooey, and your tongue will never be the same once you get a taste of this.”

Apparently Ro and Lizzie overused that roofie. Shit.

“How the hell am I supposed to get her down the aisle and sane long enough to say I do?” I grate, grabbing her hands away from under her skirt before Ro really does have a stroke.

“Not my problem. She gave me a nipple twister when we tried to get her in the car and bit her mama’s tata. She only settled down when I promised not to take her to the basement. I got no idea why she thinks we were gonna sacrifice her but the girl is nuts.” Lizzie barks, making mom spit. “We’re leaving now. Get her down that aisle boy.”

Get her down the aisle? Is this woman crazy? It’ll be a miracle if she doesn’t get me killed what with the way she keeps pawing my dick and talking about my jelly.

“We have to talk Liz,” I say darkly.

The old goat knows why and I see her eyes dart to the door before she grabs Ro and starts for it.

“Later.”

Mom abandons me too and I’m left alone with a swaying Mari and her big eyeballs as the magnitude of this all hits me. I’m getting married. To my Mari. And I forgot to put my cup in this morning.

I hope my nuts survive.