Russell

Don’t laugh. I keep repeating the litany in my head as I lock the door and watch Ingram stretch out on the bed, her leg twitching as she fights the urge to scratch her crotch even rawer than it already is.

The poor woman is sweating, half crazed with desperation and so damn beautiful I feel my heart finally stop racing as I turn to look at her. I should feel slightly guilty about stalking her in the woods, watching her pee behind that bush and not saying a word when she reached for that leaf.

In my defence I did not know that she’s such a thorough wiper. And by wipe I mean Ingram goes Mad Max with the toilet paper, or leaf as it may be. I’ll have to look into a softer ply when we get home or one of these days I’ll open her thighs and see a blank spot there.

“Are you going to look at it all night or help me?” she hisses when I stand frozen, wracking my brain for solutions to her problem.

I think I read somewhere that acidity works but the woman has made a war zone of herself and from the swelling I see, she’d rip my throat out with her teeth if I put anything astringent near her right now.

I have no idea what to do in situations like these. I’m a city boy and proud of it. I do not like the wilderness unless it comes with power, running hot water and a phone connection that allows me to Google. Sue me. I’ve been rich my whole life. The only thing I know about roughing it is never go anywhere without a knife, compass and flint.

That’s not me either so I prefer having access to a main road, a running car and emergency services. The most I have ever roughed it was the time I went to the beach and went spear fishing. With an instructor.

“I’m gonna call-”

“Don’t you dare tell anyone about this!”

“Calm down! I’m calling my nanna. She’ll know what to do.” I whisper, wincing when Ingram rolls onto her front and shoves her ass into the air, her whimpers muffled by the pillow.

Ten minutes later I’ve dosed her with an antihistamine, enough topical anaesthesia to make her crotch numb and an ice pack that has her moaning as if in the throes of orgasm.

As per nanna’s instructions I’ve even brought out a bottle of whiskey because she suggested knocking Ing out before the cream wears off and she starts scratching like a dog with fleas.

I did see her leg twitching again so I definitely agree that it’s a possibility.

“Slow down.”

“No. I feel almost on the verge of passing out so just leave me alone.” Ing slurs, the three quarter bottle tipping again as she takes a long pull of the whiskey.

Another ten minutes sees her lolling on the bed in a daze of booze and relief and I apply a little more cream before stripping to my shorts and lying beside her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault I wiped with the leaf of Satan,” she mutters, spreading wider to settle the ice pack more firmly to her crotch.

I chuckle at her misinterpretation but see why it’s all she can focus on when I take a peek and see the violent red rash covering her delicate areas.

“No. I mean about that night. About your birthday. About lying to you and ruining something that should have been a milestone for us,” I say softly, turning my head to peer at her through the darkness.

Ing shrugs and hands me the bottle before closing her eyes.

“I shoulda known it would happen. You’n me? We’re just too different Rus. You want total openness and commitment without reciprocating while all I wanted was a little consideration.” She mumbles, making me frown.

“That’s not true. I was only dishonest once and I already apologized for it. I am open with you and I’m committed Ing. You should know that since I stalked you for months.”

She chuckles darkly, not even bothering to open her eyes and look at me.

“You never talk to me about you. I’ve asked you many times about your family and the only real answers I ever get is when you tell me what your nanna’s up to. Even then it’s stilted. I don't even know your parents’ names or if you have siblings and the one time I asked you about why you’re not closer to them, you changed the subject and left ten minutes later.”

I want to deny it immediately but can’t when I realize that Ing is right. I haven’t once talked about my family unless it’s telling her that they’re not her type of people.

Thinking back on it, I can see that she would have taken that to mean that she’s not good enough and the knowledge makes my stomach roil with shame.

I also don’t talk about anything meaningful with her, I think, unless it involves sex or laughing about her family. In short, I am a shitty boyfriend and an even shittier man because I took a woman who was confident and perfect and turned her into someone who settled for what I gave her.

I hate myself so much for that it’s almost painful to breathe when her next words hit me.

“You know what’s even funnier? I’ve told you like sixty seven and a half times that I love you and you never once said it back. I mean come on, get a clue Ingram! Right? It’s pretty darn obvious that you and me, we’re not meant to be. I’m too weird for you to even take to those business dinners you’re always going to and you, you’re just closed off. So yeah, this whole torturing you thing? I stopped because I needed to move on. And I have. Maybe not to other men but I won’t ever be open to you again. We can date, fuck like rabbits and hang if that’s what you want, but that’s it for me Russell because I don’t do self-harm and that’s what it boils down to if I let myself want more.”

Her words hit me like a fist to the solar plexus and I feel my chest cave in as I fully understand what I’ve lost. Minutes ago I was feeling triumphant and victorious to the point that I was happy, even if Ingram was suffering a little, because this was a step closer to getting her to be with me.

And now. Now she’s basically just told me that she can handle me sexually and even give me a relationship but that it would basically be her showing me exactly what I subjected her to. An empty, one sided affair that’ all about sex and nothing at all closer to the ring I bought her.

Not that one! I swear to God if I ever get my hands on the ring I gave her for her birthday I will toss it in the bay and listen to Egan’s, Byrd’s, and Crocker’s across the city let off howls of agony.

No, the ring I’m talking about is one I had made to replicate nanna’s square cut six carat diamond with the ruby encrusted band. I commissioned it two months after Ing finally agreed to go out with me and have been waiting for the exact right time to give it to her.

I’ve carried it in my pocket for months and have been taking it out to remind myself what I need to get back every single day since Ingram walked out on me. It’s so pathetic I even sleep with the thing in under my pillow at night, as if just being close to it while dreaming of her will make a miracle occur.

“Ing, I do love you.” I whisper hoarsely, swallowing loudly as pain hits me. “I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you. I knew you were for me when you called your mother and got her to set Lizzie up to go to Cece’s party and make a mess of the things. I knew you were my perfect match when you snuck into Lizzie’s house that one time and left a dead fish in her side board. You’re not…it’s not that I don’t want to show you off to people. I just don’t want you to be some rich asshole’s girlfriend who suffers through polite conversation because you think that’s what I want from you.”

I sigh loudly and scrub at my eyes, turning my head to look at her. Her soft snores make me grit my teeth in frustration and I feel my life start crashing down around me little by little as her words play over and over in my head.

Ingram’s letting me go and unless I can make her want me somehow, I’m very afraid that I’ve already lost the only thing I have ever wanted.

***********

Ingram

I wake to the sound of snores and a headache from hell just as the sun peeks over the horizon and turns the sky a dull, dusky purple blue. I feel like hell as the night’s excess hits me but am undeniably relieved to report cessation of all itch as I shove the melted ice pack away and take in the puffy pink, swollen mound that is my vagina.

It hurts a little, I mean it feels like someone hit me in the vagina with a bat and then switched out for a meat hammer thingy, but as I wiggle experimentally and feel not one twitch of itch down below, I feel a sense of relief.

At least I can run if Mari’s still pissed.

Rolling slowly so as not to wake Russell, I sneak into the bathroom and grab my pants, grimacing as the stiff material and smell of dried lake water makes getting them on hard.

I do get them on though and even spare a moment to brush my teeth before dipping the brush in the toilet bowl and replacing it in the toothbrush holder.

And then I do something gross and girlie that makes me feel guilty shame. I tiptoe back into the room and stare at him while he sleeps. Taking in the dark stubble and the adorable way his mouth hangs open.

I loved watching Russell sleep. It was weird and creepy and so me that I laughed the few times he’d wake up and shit himself. He once told me it’s frightening to wake to my eyes on him, not that he doesn’t find it sexy, just that he finds it more scary because I could be admiring the view or plotting murder. He never knows.

I laughed and kept doing it until the ass woke up early and almost gave me a stroke when my eyes popped open to see him doing it to me. Scared me so bad I fell out of the bed and promised never to do it again if he promised to never, ever do it either.

Honestly? I don’t get how people don’t stroke out to that stuff. I get how Mari doesn’t mind it. She’s not scared of anything, not even demons, and she told me that Gray’s a girl in a boy’s body so she kind of has to let him stare at her or he’ll cry.

Russell moans and shifts and I take that as my cue to skedaddle before he wakes up and catches me. I haven’t forgotten the deal I made last night, and while I am going to honour it, I won’t be caught going all gooey on the ass ever again.

After I downed half a bottle of whiskey last night, I am happy to say the rest is a blur. I vaguely remember him applying some numbing stuff to my snatch and giving me lip about damaging his property-yeah right!

The rest…I owe him for helping me last night and not making such a big deal out of it or I’d have ended up in the emergency with Lizzie’s phone tree working over-time.

I owe him. I just don’t intend to pay up any time soon. Well not yet anyway, I think as I crawl out of the window and shimmy to the ground, my mission now to either convince Jeff to take me back to the city or steal his car.

Sneaking through the woods at the butt crack of dawn while avoiding a non-human entity is childish and I get it, but-

“Thought you could give me the slip?”

I spin around and muffle a scream behind my hand as I drag in a breath and take in Mari and Tink, sitting on the porch with cups of tea and enough cookies and cake to feed…three of my family, I guess.

The sight of them is such a shock I feel my legs go weak and almost fall on my ass before Rox creeps up behind me and grabs hold of me.

“Where…?”

“We woke up like an hour ago and figured you’d either be coming out of that cabin, or sneaking out of Russell’s room. Glad to see you’re still predictable Ingram.” Tink laughs, making me grind my jaw.

“I don’t need this shit right now okay. I feel terrible, I am not happy with the way things have turned out and quite frankly, you just scared me so bad I felt my heart stop. Jesus women, are you all insane?” I hiss, trying and failing to get free of Rox’s hold. The woman has gained powers since her alien baby got in there and I experience them when instead of letting me go, she practically frog marches me over to the picnic table at the edge of the shoreline and dumps me onto the bench while the others follow with the tea and cookies.

“Here. Drink this and eat something because you look and smell like shit and we are so not up for torturing you in this pitiful state.”

“Mari, I don’t-”

“And then you can explain to me what the hell is going on with you and Russell and then go further by telling us exactly what that ass did to you that has you moping around for the last few weeks. For goodness sake Ingram, you didn’t even get excited when you heard that old Mrs. Greenley hit a nun with her car because she was wearing her husband’s glasses. You hardly even cracked a smile when your mama developed that eye twitch at Effie’s when the woman told everyone Ro brought store bought cookies to the bake sale.” Rox says, looking so put out I have to smile.

It’s true, I have been off lately. I didn’t even do anything when mama threatened to have Joe take me on a date, even knowing the poor guy is engaged and about to get married. I didn’t say a thing even when my brother Obin was caught sneaking that hooker out of his room and mama had such a fit she tripped and fell down the stairs.

That shit is funny! And yet I just looked at them all and shrugged. So not me. In my defence I’ve hardly been drinking lately since I get maudlin and sloppy when I drink toooooo much.

Sighing I grab a chocolate chip cookie and dunk it, forcing myself to eat it even when my stomach revolts. The tea goes down a little better and by cookie six I feel like a new person, at least well enough to grab my nuts and spill my guts.

“I started seeing Russell a while back okay. He was really determined and just didn’t stop until I finally cracked okay. Don’t look at me like that! It’s cute when a guy climbs your fire escape and stares through your window like a freak. I mean he was cute, especially when I called the cops and he had to crawl through the neighbour’s window to get away from them.”

I cackle a little at the memory because my neighbour is sixty, saggy and was very much walking around in the buff when Russell crawled into her apartment.

He still shudders and buys her flowers on a weekly basis even though I keep telling him she’s a widow with an eye for younger men.

No one even bothers to laugh and I groan when even Tink narrows her eyes at me in demand.

“It just sort of happened and before I knew it I was…kinda in love with him.” I groan, hating myself a little because that is what they choose to laugh at.

The cows.

“You? You fell for a rich boy with a stick up his ass?” Rox chuckles, earning herself a slap that puts her in the dirt.

She doesn’t stop chuckling though and I sniff, glaring at Mari who seems really amused by my plight.

“Shut up loser. You fell for a guy who tricked you into marrying him after he convinced your mama and aunt to roofie you! Talk about sad.”

“Hey! He’s romantic and you know I don’t go for guys who can’t be as devious as I am. Besides, he’s a crier and you know how hot that makes me.” Mari growls, giving me the finger.“And besides! I was already in love with him after he told Lizzie her bread was shit and walked out of there alive.”

This has Tink giggling and Rox muffling her amusement behind her cup when Mari turns her eye their way. Jesus. Talk about a clone of Lizzie. All she’d need to scare little children is the red hair and round figure.

“Alright, alright, stop glaring at me, I was kidding.”

“I’ll let it go, for now. But you haven’t told us anything Russell hasn’t. So you two started screwing and you fell for him. Great. I mean Ro two will have hysterics when she realizes you’re in wuuuuv with a rich guy with a love for pure blends and new clothes.” She shrugs, making me sweat a little.

“That’s all he told you?” I ask, my one eye narrowing as a tic sets in.

I swear to God that cowardly asshole…

Mari’s eyes go to slits and I see Tink’s mouth purse and it so hits me that he tricked me! He told them the good parts and now I have to do the dirty work.

“Spill it!”

“We were together till my birthday.”

“Ooooh, that is so sweet! Did he go all out? Was there cake? What did he get you?” Tink asks excitedly since she knows what a tragedy my birthdays were after I turned seven.

She even helped me put a dead rat in mama’s sock drawer one year after I hand painted her a card and made her pancakes in bed.

“He got me a ring.”

Even Mari smiles and seems excited at that before I drop the bomb on them.

“Then he had to go out of town on some emergency business thing.” I say, building up to the rest since I don’t really know yet whether I want Russell dead or just in a wheel chair.

“No! Did he call at least? Please tell me he did something special the next day.”

Oh Tink, you poor innocent little thing. I bet Blay gives her head on the morning of her birthday and refuses to let her do a thing that doesn’t include opening gifts or eating in bed. He spoils her that way and according to her, he doesn’t even restrict that stuff to special days.

He bought her a designer tutu and acid yellow designer sneakers once because he knows she hates Mondays and he wanted to cheer her up!

Where’s the fairness in this life I ask ya.

“He was lying! He went to a benefit with his parents and ended up on a date with some blowfish his parents know!” I snarl, feeling my hair lift a little.

Mari gasps and I see Tink’s lip tremble as Rox curses.

“Aww!”

“Aw my ass. I ended up helping out and walked right into that shit while the asshole sat there gaping and blinking his eyes. I swear the only thing that convinced him I was real was the tray I threw at his head. And you know what? He didn’t even come after me when I ran out. Ooooh noooo, not Mr I can’t even tell you I love you, nah, he called me afterward and left me a million voicemails, explaining why he couldn’t come after me,” I yell, feeling my anger spike again.

So freaking much for the high road. I shoulda known that with mama’s crazy in me I’d be incapable of being rational and calm when faced with…I don’t even know what to call this anymore!

I’m Ingram Egan, the girl who made Sister Jolie run back to France screaming about heathens after I snuck into the old classrooms that were being renovated and convinced her that I was a ghost. Sucker.

I’m the girl who smuggled mama’s special juice into the kitchens and spiked the sister’s devotional wine and had them drunker than a bunch of skunks. Suuure, father O’Leary eventually broke poor Rox and I ended up with a red ass once mama found out-mind you, she laughed herself breathless at my antics till she found out I’d stolen her booze, but still. That’s me.

I have always been bad ass. Now I’m just, I whine a little inside as the truth hits me, I am a sad ass with relationship issues and some really big hang ups with acceptance.

“Er, this is so awkward because I don’t know if I should feel sad for you or just really amused that you got your ass handed to you the way you usually hand ass to the guys you sleep with.” Rox says, cringing when I turn my stare on her.

“Screw you! I didn’t laugh once when you were sitting on your stinking ass, watching Titanic and sharing booger dough with your brothers! Wasn’t I there for you when you drank your body weight in wine and wanted to show up on Ty’s doorstep looking like an ugly version of Bridget Jones? I even held your oily hair when you puked in your mama’s slipper. And I didn’t tell!” I yell, beyond offended that she’d even go there.

Mari is uncharacteristically quiet and I feel a moment’s relief that she’s muzzled by her contract and the fear of paying ten million out to her husband. I’d point out to Mari that the ten million is his money, so she’s not losing anything, but the woman is so greedy she’s probably have a nervous breakdown just losing it from her bank balance.

Schmuck.

“Go on.”

Hooboy!

“Okay, so I sorta threw a tray at his head, ran out and went home to cry into a pound of cookies and cake, and that truly nasty wine mama gave me from Christmas, you know, the stuff that tastes like vinegar. Anyway so he eventually showed up at my door and I, I just ignored him. I mean…I couldn’t stop crying! What is wrong with me?” I wail, feeling my eyes mist a little before I can control myself.

“It’s so gross. And then, then we had to get Ian’s porn phone from the church and he was still not, not grovelling and I, I got mad and started plotting but even then it was pathetic because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that would really hurt him. And then he texted and he called me childish so I lost it a little and started up the network, you know, where they loogie his coffee and put pubes in his food and stuff. But my heart just wasn’t in it. And now, now he’s here and I just, I want him.”

Which is the grossest thing ever! I mean imagine wanting to kiss his mouth when I know he’s imbibed at least one cup of extra special coffee. Greeny is a family member but man, that guy has toxic waste and something dead living in his sinuses. Yuck.

“Okay! Calm down. Crap. What is wrong with you?” Mari asks disgustedly, making me feel even worse.

“I don’t know! Is it this love thing? Because if it is I need a way to turn it off like now.”

Mari gives me another look, this one nastier than any others and I pipe down as she starts stroking her chin thoughtfully, that yellow eye going neon with malicious glee.

“You got your period yet?” she asks, making my ovaries freeze and scoot back up the tubes.

“Yes! God, do not scare me so bad. I just drank half a bottle of freaking alcohol.” I whimper, hating that it’s the thought of ruining my baby that scares me and not the baby itself.

Pull yourself together!

“You sure? Because you can get one or two periods and still be pregnant.”

“Oh my God…no wait! Ha! I had to have a blood test done a week before my birthday for my insurance company. Hahahahaha! I win,” I yell, feeling so victorious I can’t sit still and so totally do not understand the pout that flits over Tink and Mari’s faces before they school themselves.

“Christ, don’t sound so happy about it. You’re pushing thirty and you’re still single, it’s freaking sad already,” Rox mutters.

“Shut up, incubator. Just because you’re sore about getting a fat ass doesn’t mean you get to be nasty. I am not pregnant. And I don’t want to be.”

I think. I mean…babies are gross right?

“Okay, so you’re not pregnant, you’re not on the rag and as far as that psyche evaluation says, you’re completely sane,” Rox muses, making me groan against the need to slap her again. “Oh, man, Ingram, I think, I think you still love him,” she utters, giving me a look of pity.

“No! I mean, no! Nuhuh. I don’t. It’s, he’s, I don’t wanna.” I whine, watching the sun rise over the water with a groan. “Help me.”

“Sorry. It looks like Rox is right and I for one am glad. It’s about time you found someone to love and I like Russell. As much as I can like other people at least. He’s sweet and funny and from what Gray’s told me, his family are giving him a hard time about his nanna. Give the man a break Ingram.”

I am dumbfounded as the words leave Mari’s mouth and I see even Tink pause and give her head a shake when nothing, at all negative, in any way leaves her lips.

“Mari? Are you okay?” Tink.

“You’re not….dying are you?” I whisper, crossing myself when she scowls.

“No! God, I can be nice you know. And I mean it Ingram, he’s having a really hard time trying to keep his parents from taking over his nanna’s assets. They’re trying to blackmail him into going back to the family business because his father’s almost run it into the ground. Gray says he’s got a few weeks leeway before the court date comes up and he’s trying to figure out how to fix things before they push everything through and put her in a retirement home or something. I don’t like that he hurt you and trust me, I’d make him scream like a bitch in any other circumstances, but the man is really on the edge right now and I just…”

Ginny laughs at that and I see Rox smirk before I have a light bulb moment.

“Is Gray being mean to you Mari?” I ask sweetly, pursing my lips into a mock pout. “Is he making you be nice to the humans again?”

“Screw you! I’m being serious here. And yes, Goddammit! He’s got this clause that’s in the fine print that I missed.” She whines, making me giggle because she looks so close to tears I could almost believe she’s got feelings.

But I so totally heard everything Mari just said and the thought of someone else, some idiot torturing my Russell, when that is clearly my job in life, makes me really mad.

I may not want to give my emotional dross another try and end up letting him hurt me again. Well worse. But I am so not letting anyone screw with my Russell.

“Okay, so no being mean to him until we can sort out his family. I get it. Whatcha got up that sleeve Mari?” I ask, shivering when she smiles and rubs her hands together.