Gray

“She’s evil.”

I keep saying it, over and over again, but part of me is still awestruck and afraid by the absolute diabolical nature of the woman I’ve tied myself to. The things that happened to me last night…

I will die a slow, painful death before I tell a soul, but I didn’t make it to my apartment on time when my stomach gave up its dignity and did something that would horrify the most hardened of souls. And my ma since she insists I was potty trained by the age of one. Turns out all I needed to regain infant bowels was Mari and her evil.

My poor car.

I do not want to talk about it. Ever. EVER.

After peeling myself from my poor car and the ruined leather seats, I got upstairs-not so easy when trying to disguise a pants full of crap and spent the next four hours of my life crying like a girl while desecrating my toilet. Definitely need to get a new one. But later.

“She’s not that bad.” Blay laughs, making my eye tick.

“She put crap tabs in the food and watched us all eat it! I had three fucking servings Blain. Three! You know what happens when you go over the recommended daily dose of those shit pill things?” I ask in a small voice, closing my eyes against the memories.

It’s been twenty four hours and I still can’t go more than a few minutes without revisiting that shame. I think Mari broke me. Like a bitch. I’m so leery of her food, along with her folks of course, she’s taken to having a bite off all our plates and laughing maniacally the whole time.

“Come on, it couldn’t have been that bad man.”

“She crushed up an entire box. And then served it to us. You know what she said?”

Blay bites his lip and looks away for all of a second before turning to me with way too much glee for my comfort.

“She said it serves me right for sticking her with Evil and Weevil! She won’t even tell me who’s who in that equation so I can’t laugh.”

That sets him off and I get the impression that he already knows that story, but is just enjoying my pain. Bastard.

“Look man, you love that about Mari. You said it yourself, her brain works in a way you find sexy.” He says.

“Sexy! You think I find it sexy when I lose half my body weight to the bathroom while she calls me every five minutes laughing?” I yell, cringing at the memory that just won’t leave me.

Shit. It got so bad I was scared to answer the phone but even more afraid not to because I really thought I was dying and didn’t want to go alone. Pathetic. And sweet because while I crapped myself hoarse and raw, Mari talked to me about a lot of stuff, stuff I’d been wanting to get to know but haven’t had the time for lately.

I didn’t sleep a wink. Neither did Mari. And I heard Ro railing at her through her door before she shrieked and ran back to the bathroom. I’ll tell ya though, Ro hasn’t made one comment about dried ovaries and Mari’s desiccated womb again.

All in all when I finally dragged my shrivelled carcass home to her, she had medicine and breakfast waiting for us all and babied the heck out of us.

I like that Mari. She’s sweet. And only comes out on the full moon, but still, I look forward to her morphing from evil into the cute, smiling person I met this morning.

“Okay. Sorry. I won’t laugh about it anymore and I’ll tell Tink to erase that recording Mari sent us all of your moaning agony. I think. I don’t know if Tink will go for it, she listens to it at least three times before we fall asleep.” Blay grunts, chuckling under his breath.

“Christ. Why are they all so terrible?”

Ty muffles a laugh and shakes his head, finally tuning into the conversation.

“Rox is sweet. She walks her elderly neighbour’s dog and helps out at a shelter on Thursday nights.”

“Screw you!” Blay and I both yell, incensed at his bragging.

“Hey now! Don’t hate me because I got the good one of the rotten batch.”

“My wife is perfect.”

“Your wife tried to kill your ass by dehydration Grayson. I swear to God, I almost felt sorry for you when she sent around that voice note of you on the crapper and I enjoy listening to your misery on a good day.”

“She was just put out about me lumping her with mom and Ro. I get it and I have learned my goddamn lesson. Anyway, you haven’t got the girl yet Ty. You gonna make a move on Rox anytime soon?” I ask, loving the immediate look of panic that hits his mug.

Serves him right for making fun of my cuddle bear.

“What. No. No. She’s seeing someone right now and…”

“So what? You think I would care if Mari was interested in some other dick? Not a chance. I know how to cut a guy’s brake lines and stalk my woman like a real man.”

Blay chuckles at that and throws me a high five before leaning back with a sigh.

“He’s right. You should just get on in there and stake your claim man. Rox is cool, she’s not interested in anything else but what a man has on the inside.”

Tyson snorts and looks away.

“She deserves someone better. Someone who isn’t fucked up and scarred like me,” he says softly, looking down at the carpet.

See, I hate this shit. Ty’s never been the same since the day his ex told him to get his face fixed, as if he wasn’t enough just as he is. The man is a great friend, a good man and with no leanings towards liking men, I would say he’s got a good mug, even with the scars on the right side of his face.

He’s a good catch but he refuses to see it.

“You’re being a pussy.” Blay says softly, giving him a look that is rife with annoyance.

“Whatever. Look, let’s just talk about the projections and where we are with the hotel. I got legal onto the case with the other design firm and I’ve been running the numbers after Ro and Char brought in the orders they placed yesterday afternoon. Char went with a contact of hers and got a lot of the high end stuff for a steal so the numbers are looking good. Where are we at with time?”

I could, but hell after Char and Ro saved our asses and Char got a crap ton of stuff done yesterday, helping us on time, I’m feeling all sorts of relaxed and ready to just be me again. Which includes and is mostly exclusive to giving my people hell.

It’s a gift I tell ya.

“Nope. Sorry, I’ve done my job for at least half the day and I can’t stomach the thought of lunch yet, thanks to my sweet Mari, so I guess it’s you buddy. Now spill it. You dig Rox.”

“We’re friends! Christ, get it into your thick skull already.”

“Tried. Then I remembered that you took a dog who’s name should be Skunk just because your girl adores him. Be a man, Ty. Come on, I know you’re used to that big ole vagina you been rocking all your life but just once, dig deep and feel the force of ‘Ball’.” I yell, giving it as much gusto as possible.

Ty snarls at me but doesn’t bother to deny it, just hangs his head and sighs deeply.

“She’s going out with a guy named Finn. Seriously, what kind of fucking name is Finn?” he mutters. “And worse! You know he’s giving her the playbook. Keeps pushing for more, then pulling away as if she needs his shit. I swear to God, cutting his brakes sounds like a plan.”

“Sure but I think we should just tell Mari and Ing.” Blay grins, making my lips twitch.

Now that I’d pay real money to see. You think my wife trying to poison me and her parents is bad? That’s her version of a love tap.

Ty grins, his cheek forming a deep dimple that I’ve seen Mari lick her lips over and narrows his eyes.

“So, when you gonna tell the rabid mama bears?”

I smile back and shrug, thinking tonight may be good, unless Ro’s been on point today, in which case I’ll have to plan a prison break for Mari.