Ingram

My chest hurts as I sit on Lizzie’s couch and stuff my face with enough carbs to satisfy Oprah as Mel Gibson hurls himself out of a speeding car, looking so hot I feel my lip curl.

“For God sakes! Would you stop this foolishness and tell us what happened?” Lizzie barks as I dip my salami sandwich into vanilla ice cream and shovel it into my mouth, my lip quivering with the need to bawl my eyes out.

Now normally I’d have gone home and broken stuff before breathing deeply and plotting to kill Russell in a fiery car crash that would lead to explosions, a charred, unidentifiable corpse and his family having to bury him to avoid the smell.

Leave it to Murphy to let the old bag who lives next to me fall asleep with her cigarette and start a fire that not only roasted all her worldly possessions but half of my apartment.

I almost went to mama’s since the fire sergeant refuses to let me wallow in my hovel, his words being ‘you go in there and I will arrest you lady’. That did happen. Even I know kicking the man in the balls is a crime, but I was fragile! And seeing mama’s face while thinking of sharing a room with one of my brothers made me rage angry.

So here I am. It’s not all that bad. I stuck an aroma sanitizing thingy to the walls in almost every room and can hardly smell Davey’s socks and after I cornered Abe with a baseball bat this morning he hasn’t let off one fart.

All I really have to deal with is Lizzie and Ian and after threatening to narc him out about those yoga photos on his phone, all I have to get through is Lizzie and her absolute determination to drive me crazy.

Can’t a girl wallow huh? Rox and Tink did it. With drama and a flair for crazy. At least I bath!

“Lizzie, leave it okay. I just wanna sit here and enjoy a good movie and get over myself and I do not want to talk about this. Please.” I mumble through a mouthful of slop and a heart full of…something that shall not be named!

“I have had enough! Enough I say. Every single time one of you girls falls in love, you go off the deep end and turn into absolute wimps. You know what I did when my Ian got it into his head that he wasn’t good enough for me on our wedding day? I spiked his morning coffee and had my daddy drive him to the church along with four of my male cousins who are too big to even contemplate violence against. We don’t cry, we subjugate, that is the Egan way.” she rages, gagging when I dip my sandwich and take another big bite.

“Oh yeah? Well I call balony. Uncle Ian told me you showed up at his mama’s place the morning of and cried and told him you loooove him.” I taunt, chewing with relish.

“Hogwash.” She gasps, slapping the sandwich so hard it hits the wall with a splat. “I tricked him. And then I got him so hot for this body he couldn’t resist me.”

My lip trembles, a little with disgust because Lizzie just hoisted her cannons and I think I saw some nipple. And a red bra. Ewwwah.

And then also because how do I tell this bride of Satan that Russell’s had every part of this meat suit and only deems it fit for toying with?

“Go ‘way!” I yell, throwing the ice cream tub at her just as mama walks in with Obin slithering behind her, his track pants hanging so low I vomit in my mouth a little since he’s a ginger and has no idea that showing pube is gross.

It looks like a fox is trying to escape from his pants.

“You little ingrate! Is this the thanks I get for taking you in so you don’t have to live with your mama and those pigs she spawned?”

“Hey!”

“Hush Obin, you know the smells that come out of those rooms is just not natural. She still sulking? Jesus Lizzie, you were right, the girls in our line are all weak. I thought Roxeletta was the worst but I’ve been reading her diary and Ingram is definitely the worst.” She whines, making Obin laugh so hard the fool trips over his pants and slams into the floor, his wang popping out.

“Good God! What happened to that one Roberta?”

Mama just shrugs and rolls her eyes.

“He was fathered during that cold winter when we didn’t have any heat and things were a little…short.” Ma says regretfully, making me giggle as Obin grunts and throws us all a filthy glare.

“Mama’s been reading your diary Ing. And she tells the aunts everything. She asked that old bat who lives next door to give her the spare key and she sneaks in there every week. She even found your sex toys!” he yells, making mama’s eyes go hard and threatening.

“You old snoop! You break into my apartment and read my diary?” I yell, feeling my insides clench.

Mama just sniffs and looks down her nose at me.

“You’re offended? After those things I found in your closet? Ingram, your lady parts are sacred and holy, it’s just not right to use things like that. Purple Ingram? Honestly, there isn’t one natural purple-”

“Okay, okay! Whoa, I do not need to know these things. I only came over here to warn you that Mari and her hoard are on the way here with that old lady related to your boyfriend and they’re on the warpath.”

Awww.

“Obin, that is so sweet.” I say, wishing that I had never posted that photo of him on Facebook captioned ‘Ginger Oleg, with deformities’. But in my defence, my brother does look like the fry cook from two broke girls, the only difference is he’s ginger, has less inhibitions and doesn’t have a Sophie to make him seem palatable.

Oh, and he can’t cook. Or wash. And he’s got a weirder accent.

“You little bastard!”

“Sorry mama! I promised daddy I’d walk the straight and narrow after he bailed me out with Grace and I ain’t looking to break that promise. And he loves Ingram best, he told me so.”

With that he’s out of the living room and I watch Lizzie roll her eyes when the fridge clangs while he raids her food supply.

“There’s bread in the basket!”

“No thanks, I ain’t looking to die today. Oh hey Ian! You hiding out here from them crazy females?”

“Son, I been hiding since I discovered red is my kryptonite.”

The voices peter off and I’m left huddled on the couch-well after I retrieved the ice cream and what’s left of my poor abused sandwich-as the door bangs and the devil herself comes waddling into the room, the fires of hell blazing in her eyes.

“You lost him again! And after I went to all that trouble!” Mari yells at me, making my ass contract.

I always need to fart when I get nervous and right now, as Rox smiles darkly and Tink shoves B at Lizzie, I feel real fear. And some gas because the salami Lizzie favours is spicy.

“He isn’t a freaking puppy. I didn’t lose him. I went over to his place two nights ago with food, wine and a freaking head stuffed full of dreams and the man didn’t show until after eleven.” I roar, spitting vanilla all over the place.

Mari tenses and wipes her eye with a snarl before throwing her hands in the air and falling into a seat.

“Okay! So maybe he was working late.”

“I called his secretary Mari. Doris buzzed him right then and there, I heard her. He knew and he didn’t bother to give a damn. After I got home, humiliated to within an inch of my life, I finally realized he was waiting me out because he didn’t have the balls to tell me face to face that he doesn’t want me anymore. Too bad for him I’m freaking tenacious and I waited.” I laugh bitterly, closing my eyes to just breathe.

I’m strong. I played football against my brothers for years and survived jiggling in my face because they don’t believe in jockstraps. Or water and soap. I can’t get through this without being more pathetic, I think as my ego whimpers and falls into a pile of ash at my feet.

“What happened!” Tink yells, her blue eyes going crazy big.

I should fudge this and say something cool like I yelled, kicked him in the balls and stormed out. I should. But I don’t lie anymore. Well not more than three or four times a day and I’ve used up my quota on telling mama her ass doesn’t look fat in green pants-which by the way, one leg is shorter than the other and makes her look like she has one long leg and one….I don’t even know what to call that thing.

Lie two was used up when I prank called Ro one I pretended to be the receptionist at the doctor’s office confirming her daughter in laws pregnancy. I heard her screaming and praying for a normal looking child all the way from here.

Lie three was my standard call to daddy, like I do every morning. I love my daddy, a lot so I don’t mess with him. It’s just that when he asked me if I’m being good, the stock answer is yes, even if I snuck into Lizzie’s room at four this morning and left one of those toxic socks at the back of her closet.

She smells like a corpse decomposed on her and hasn’t stopped sniffing herself all morning! It’s gross but funny. Especially when she tried to get Boogie nights with Ian in the kitchen and he almost fell over his boots avoiding her.

Lie four was when I told myself five minutes ago that I am fine. It counts, at least the shrink I stopped seeing says that lying to myself is the same thing.

So yeah, I have no leeway left for today. I guess that’s why I sorta lose it and start blubbering like an asshole.

“What happened? I, I gave him a blow job! And then he went down on me and it was like, like we were making-”

“Don’t say it Ingram-” Mari yells, turning green.

“Loooooohoohoove! But he stopped when I said I love him and then, and then.” I have to stop because I am for real Jennifer Lawrence crying, with spit and boogers and the gargoyle face and everything and Lizzie is crossing herself and stepping back. “Then he said..waaaaahaaaa. he said I wasn’t,” sniff. “Wife material but he wants to stay friends.” I wail, just letting it all hang out.

I’ve always been the cool one, the one everyone steers clear of because I have and will still put potatoes in your exhaust pipe and loosen the lug nuts on all four tyres.

Just ask Mari when she came over bragging about her freaking Porsche SUV thingy that Gray bought her.

Oh God! I sat through an hour of her shit and laughed my ass off when she took off, waving like a queen only to have her precious SUV hit the tar when all four wheels went in opposite directions.

Mari levitates right off the couch, her baby bump preceding her and I see the hair on Lizzie and mama’s head rise straight up as they straighten and get The Eye.

That though? That’s not what scares me. My little Tink, Ginny, whoever she is now, opens her eyes so wide they look fit to burst out. And then she snarls, honest to goodness snarls and bares her teeth with a hiss.

“He will die.”

Er. That voice is like ten octaves deeper. No, I’m being serious, I think I just heard Legion screaming in that voice and Rox is no better as she sucks her cheeks so hard her face caves in.

“You need to tell us everything he said Ingram, okay. Word for word,” Mari says slowly. Calmly, giving me the willies.

“Er-”

“Word. For. Word.” She repeats again, as if I’m the slow kid she’s taking pity on.

Now I know, I mean I do love Russell and I want him to live. Just not badly enough to sacrifice my life to this hell demon. Yellow. I swear to God, Mari’s one eye for real turns this luminescent yellow when she’s mad and it frightens me.

“He, uh-”

“Speak up!” mama snarls, her bosom heaving so hard I see a button pop off and hit Rox in the eyeball.

Hooboy. Sorry Rus, but I am so not taking one for you, not after Hooker Wednesday chewed me up and spat me out a lonely spinster with lost love and unattained dreams.

“He said he loves me like a friend and wants to keep me in his life if I can deal with a no commitment relationship because he wants a wife and family but I’m not what he’s looking for?” I squeak, closing one eye to mute the pure rage that comes over Tink.

“That’s it! I don’t care if he’s having trouble with his family or if he’s nanna ends up in a urine den with other old farts-”

“I will have you know I do care young lady!”

Oh snap. Tink cringes as nanna comes shuffling into the living room, her pal Ivy hanging by the door, while she scoots in and glares at a now shamefaced Tink who’s so embarrassed she’s glowing like a red bulb.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it I swear. I am just so mad at him for saying those things and, and how could he?” she gasps, tearing up as Rox starts flicking her thumb over her nose with an attitude that heralds violence.

Nanna just sighs and lowers herself down with a groan, her ass sticking in the air as she goes in slow mo that makes slow mo look fast. She’s almost home free when the monumental horn blast that issues forth from her almost crouch shudders through her ass cheeks and has Mari screaming and bolting up with a gag.

“My mouth was open! Oh God, did you eat boiled eggs for breakfast?”

Nanna just chortles and settles in with a wiggle before pointing her eyes at me.

“What has that fool done now?”

Besides have a hit put out on his ass?

“Nothing. Don’t worry about him, what’s going on with you?” I ask, glaring at mama when she goes to protest.

Nanna rolls her eyes and before she can cuss me out, the door hits the wall and in struts Char, Cece and Misty along with Fiona and Fayette, ya know, just to make this experience all the more enjoyable.

“Have you started the interrogation yet? Please tell me you haven’t. I need to wait for Ed to bring the box of wine out of the car and Lizzie, you promised me you’d put out snacks,” Char trills, slapping my sandwich right out of my mouth with a snarl.

“Mari, get the glasses would you, Ingram needs some booze and I just spent an hour in the car staring at Fiona’s nipples while trying not to drive into oncoming traffic. I’ll need the big glass for myself. Fayette, I know those open automatically when your ass hits a surface, but I can see inside you dear and the view is not pleasing. Legs closed.”

And just like that, I’m invaded by the original darkness that has plagued this world since Adam decided to tickle the taco. I love my family, most especially the add ons, but these women are all nuts. They have no filters, no shame and to make things worse, Lizzie isn’t even pretending to be horrified at some of the things happening here.

Mari, she’s corrupted pure evil, I think dazedly as I try to snatch wine from nanna’s hand and get her cane to the side of the head.

“Okay! Stop cackling and sucking on that wine and let’s get to the business at hand. Ingram’s being cock blocked by her man and she’s getting all feelingsy about it. We need to sort this out before she starts watching her favorite movie again. The Excorcist is great, but it’s a little too close to the surface and we’ve all decided that Russell gets to live so we need to stop her.”

I’ve had two glasses of wine in two minutes, I must be completely bombed because…

“You know what! I am so tired of pretending. I am so tired of letting you all think you know me when you don’t. My favorite flavor is not nuts, Mari! It’s cherry!” I yell, hissing when that comes out all wrong and has even Cece giggling. “That’s not, I didn’t mean virgins, it, no I meant….whatever! The point is that you all don’t know me so I would appreciate it if you didn’t all sit here and make assumptions about how I feel or what I want. Maybe I don’t want Russell back.”

I don’t. I, I’ll feel it eventually.

“Ingram.”

“No Lizzie. I was good. I did everything right, the way normal people do it and I still got screwed. Twice. I don’t want to be with a guy that misses my birthday and lies to me about what he was doing just so that he can spare his parents my tainted sense of humour. I don’t want to be with a guy who purposely misses a date with me and then lets me give him head before dumping me. Don’t want a guy who is okay with being my fuck buddy, as long as I understand that he’s ready for a serious relationship and marriage, just not with me. It’s done, okay.” I huff, going for glass three with a vengeance before falling down again and grabbing a bowl of onion rings and bacon dip.

“Ing, duuude, that was so normal I almost don’t smell the crazy on you anymore babe. Come on Ing, follow my voice and feel the dark side.” Rox coaxes, getting a reluctant smirk from me.

“And besides Mari, my favorite movie is Frozen! I even dressed up as Elsa last Halloween for Dougie’s party.”

Mari’s eyes go saucer big and I see her gasp before she pulls herself together and eyes me.

“Slutty Elsa?” she breathes, making me bare my teeth with a laugh.

“Nope.”

“Hooker Elsa with the plastic panties and the whip?” she asks hopefully, getting a giggle out of Tink.

“Nooopah!” I say again, this time getting a horrified gasp out of her. “Singing Elsa, with the braid. And I even carried an Olaf bag!” I yell, shoving a handful of dip and onion ring into my mouth with relish.

They all just stare at me, aghast, a lot horrified and I think a little unprepared for it.

“Oh my God! How dare you.”

“I dare because I liked it.” I growl, watching her eyes glaze a little. “I like animated movies Mari, with happy endings and inspirational soundtracks.”

“Make it stooooop!”

“I liked the last Kelly Clarkson CD even if she was fat at the time.”

“No more. Must stop listening.” She moans, getting a grin from me in return.

“And I even liked the Footloose remake!”

Mari goes lethal still and silent and levels a shaking finger at me as her eye flashes on.

“You take that back. No one can dance like the Bacon.” She breathes, offended and struggling not to cry when I lick my fingers and curl my lips.

“I listened to the whole Britney Christmas album from start to finish.”

“Nooooo! Everyone knows that was a disaster! My poor Ingram. What’s happened? Is it terminal?” Mama moans, falling to her knees in despair.

FYI, mama hates that chick, and even worse, poppy Christmas carols about Santa Claus. According to Roberta if it doesn’t have Jesus or the words, Christ in it, it’s blasphemy. I sorta agree, that’s why I had a burning party for the doomed disk, but I had to hear it, just once.

It was awful!

“Nope. I’m just being me mama. I like things no one even knows about because all you’re interested in is telling me where to go or what to do. Like the thing with Cindy. Mari just assumed I wanted to put the colouring in her shampoo. No one even asked.”

“You didn’t want to?” Mari asks, her eyes shining with desperation and hopelessness.

“Well of course, I mean I may like nice things but I’m still me.”

“Oh thank God,” Tink moans, glugging her wine as Rox gnaws on a candy bar and the others just look on in rapt fascination.

“I’m still me, I mean I’m not like a decent person just because I like Frozen. That would be impossible with these genes. My point is that you all just showed up here assuming I’d want to hurt Russell or get him back or whatever it is you all think is happening here.”

“It’s not?” nanna asks, her eyes going dull and sad when I shake my head and chew through the lip trembles and silent wailing in my head.

Shut up bitch. That isn’t helping, I think, swallowing with effort.

“No. Because I like telling people about my mama pooping her pants in the department store before she could get to the bathroom and the trail she left behind and blamed on some poor innocent kid. I like that my daddy is just like every other man in this family and drops trou when he clears his doorway. I like that my family is all weird and vindictive and insane and that I have so many cousins and siblings we could register as our own state if we wanted to. I like that I just blurt things out because they’re funny and that people are afraid of Mari and Rox. I like that Tink buys dresses from hobos and is sweet enough to get me a sweet pair of jeans at the same time. Most of all I fucking like me, and I refuse to let that asshole tell me I’m not wife material.”

No one says a word, their eyes trained and focused on me as I take another sip, ahem glug, of wine and shove an entire cupcake into my mouth.

“I wike-”

“Chew and swallow, Ingram, I have a weak stomach,” Rox yells, heaving when I laugh and spew mush all over her left cheek.

“I’m so over Russell and whatever reason he’s going to give people for saying those shitty things to me. I don’t even care, honestly. He can marry whoever he wants, have babies and be miserable without my awesomeness.”

And I mean it. I do. I just wish I wasn’t crying and spewing half chewed cake all over a heaving Rox when I say it.

“You sure about that Ingram dear? He had a ring made months ago.”

“Miiiiiine.”

Damn me and my acquisitive nature.

Nanna just smiles and I see a recovering Mari wipe her brow before nana starts telling us all about Russell and the self-sacrificing rap he’s pulling to save the family business and ‘rescue his grandpa’s legacy’.

I’d be so impressed, really I would until it hits me that he may attempt to teach our children that bullshit and then I just get mad. My ugly children will be bastards, every single one of them and if I so much as sniff a kind, weak bone in their bodies, I’ll cull the herd, or worse, let Lizzie and my mama babysit.

“That ring better be as pretty and useless as the other rock he gave me.” I mutter, seeing Lizzie wink and thank me for the brand new flatscreen she bought Ian for the bedroom with the profits from selling that rock.

I suspect they watch porn, or yoga. No difference in this family apparently. But who cares. At the rate Russell is going my entire family will have roadworthy cars by this time next year.

‘cept Grant. We’ve been waiting for his brakes to fail for like five years. Any day now.

“Soooo, I hear them fancy rich folk are having a party tomorrow night.” Mari says darkly, her words turning the room into a coven of extremely excited and maliciously anticipatory women.

“That right?” Lizzie drawls, her eyes lighting. “Well, I’m always up for a good party.”