Chapter Twenty One – Evan

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…

Sickness swirls in my stomach as I race through the hospital doors at the speed of light. I don’t even know how I made it here to the hospital, I drove in such a blur. I don’t know how my brain managed to get the directions right, but somehow, I’m here ready to help my son with whatever needs to happen. I can barely even stand to think about my poor baby, Liam, all hooked up to machines with wires coming out of him everywhere, it kills me. I’ve been through this too many time already, it just isn’t right. I can almost feel Victoria’s hands clamping down on my shoulders, reminding me that our wedding plans killed her and my mom and dad. That was bad enough, this is too much.

“Liam Debroils,” I shout to the woman sitting behind the reception desk. “I need to know what room he’s in. Liam Debrorils is his name.”

The lady tuts loudly as she brings her eyes off the computer screen to meet mine. I can instantly tell that she thinks I’m just another hysterical person, like the hundreds of others that she has coming through here every single day, she doesn’t immediately understand that this is my whole world on the line here. As her blue eyes pierce my soul, I feel even more panicked and desperate.

“Sir, there is actually a queue of people waiting to speak to me at the moment, so if you want to go to the back of it I can get to you in time. When it’s your turn.”

“In the time it took you to say that you could have just told me where my boy is.” I lean over the counter, trying to see her screen as if the answer is magically going to be on there. “My son has been in a car accident today and I need to be with him. Liam Debroils.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to insist that you get to the back of the queue.”

“Fuck the queue!” I explode. I turn on my heels to look at the few bored looking people waiting in line. “Look, my son has been in a car crash today, my young boy. Do any of you mind if I just the fucking queue so I can find out what room he’s in from this jobs worth here?” None of them answer me right away, they all just look at me shocked, but eventually a woman nods and the others all follow on like sheep. “See? None of them mind now will you tell me where my son is?”

“Evan?” Before I can get my answer, I hear the sad voice of Nancy calling out from behind me. “Oh thank goodness, you’re here. You’re here. Do you want to go to the room?”

I can’t help myself, I’m so freaking wound up I could explode so I flip the bitch woman off as I stalk off. I’m just so pissed that she tried to keep me away from my boy. What sort of person does that? What sort of person sits so high on their horse that they keep a father away from their child?

“I’m so sorry, Evan,” Nancy weeps as we walk. “I was taking him to the play park, Liam was whining that he wanted to go out, and I didn’t hear the car flying across the intersection, I guess it ran a red light or something, I just… I feel so damn horrible, it hurts.”

“Nancy, it’s fine. Honestly, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt my son.” I can’t really deal with her emotional baggage right now. I don’t think she’s to blame or anything, I just need to focus on Liam and his recovery. “I don’t think it’s your fault, so you can stop worrying.”

She takes me to the room and as soon as I get outside the door I pause for a second. I’ve rushed all this way, but now I don’t know if I’m ready for the sight that’s undoubtedly waiting for me in there. My son, my baby, he’s hurt and I wasn’t there to protect him. This is all my fault if anyone’s and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being so distant, I should have been a better father in every way.

“The doctor is in there now,” Nancy whispers to me. “I think you need to speak to him.”

I nod slowly and push the door, forcing myself to be brave. Liam needs me to be the father right now that I haven’t always been. I need to push my bullshit aside and look after him. But still it scares the living hell out of me when I see him. My boy looks tiny under the sheets, the hospital bed devours him. I hate it, all I want to do is rip him from the bed to hold him in my arms. I don’t want to be so separate from him anymore. I hate this.

“Oh, you’re here.” A lady in a white coat says from behind me. “And you are the boy’s father, I presume?” I nod rapidly. “Okay great. There are some things that I need to discuss with you.”

“Is my boy going to be okay?” I ask her desperately. “Is Liam going to… to…” I can’t vocalize the end of that sentence because it’s just too hard to say. I can’t say the one word that will tear my chest apart. I can’t even think about losing Liam, it’s just an impossible thought.

“We do need to take him into surgery, which is unfortunate, but it’s the only thing we can do right now to save his life. He must have a blood transfusion.”

“Oh my goodness, take my blood,” I gush instantly. “Take all my blood, whatever he needs just please make him okay again.” I life up my shirt and push my veins out towards her as if that’s going to speed up the process somehow. “Just save him, please…”

“Doctor Smith,” she fills in that last part for me. “And that’s great, but are you the same blood type? What we really need right now is some A plus, that’s what your son is. I have someone scanning the system, but at the moment it doesn’t look like we have any in.”

“Fuck, no I’m O negative. It was my wife that shared the same blood type.” I tug my fingers through my hair which has now turned greasy and tangled because of all the stress that I’ve put on it today. “She’s dead now. She died in a car crash years ago.”

The doctor turns a funny ashen shade as if she doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s fair enough, no one ever does. It’s an awkward topic to discuss, especially now with everything else that’s happening. “I see, well I am sure that we’ll be able to find some at another hospital and we’ll be able to get some driven over. It might take a bit more time, but we’ll do what we can.”

“Will that affect Liam’s chances?” I gasp desperately. “Will he… you know?” The fact that she doesn’t answer me is worrying, I don’t like it at all. “Okay, well I’ll ask Nancy, she might be…”

“The girl that came in with the boy? No, we’ve already checked with her.” The nurse smiles at me in a way that I’m sure is supposed to be reassuring, but it doesn’t work at all. I feel all messed up inside. “I will make it my top priority to sort this out, just sit with your son and try not to worry.”

I watch her as she leaves the room, parting my lips as I scan my brain frantically to find some words to make her stay. I don’t know how comfortable I feel being left in the room on my own with my sick son. I need someone who will be able to care for him if things get crazy… but I don’t say anything quickly enough and soon I’m left by myself.

I turn my head towards Liam with my heart pounding in my mouth. He looks so frail and fragile there, it makes me want to weep. The tears are there behind my eyes but they aren’t coming out just yet. It’s like the tap is stuck and it won’t turn on. I slowly move my feet towards the bed, feeling like I’m floating on air as I move. None of this feels real, it has a real nightmarish quality to it. I blink my eyes a few times, wishing I could wake up, but all of this is so very real.

“Oh, Liam,” I gasp as I fall into the seat next to his bed. “I’m so sorry that this happened to you.” Of course, he doesn’t answer me, he’s blacked out on the bed but I hope he can hear me. I’ve heard that people in comas can still hear their loved ones as they talk, and I hope this is a similar situation. “I’m sorry, I just… I know that I haven’t been the best father in the world, but I want to be better.” I grab his hand and stare at his lifeless body, hating myself even more. “I have been planning for a while to change things around once this court case thing was done anyway, but now I realize more than ever how badly I need to change. I need to be there more for you.”

My head slumps forward and finally a tear falls out. This situation reminds me so much of that dreaded day when I lost all the other people in my family and that memory claws violently at my chest.

“You know, your mom would be really proud of the way that you’ve turned out.” I turn to the one subject that I never discuss with Liam because it’s so damn painful, which is something else that I need to change. I thought that I was doing him a favor by keeping him away from the hurtful topic, but now I can see that I was being selfish. I was doing what I needed. Now I know that’s something else I need to change. I need to keep Victoria’s memory alive within her. “She loved you so much, more than any other mother that I’ve ever known. She doted on you like you were a little china doll or something.” I chuckle awkwardly to myself as I remember Victoria’s bond with Liam. “She would love you now. So damn much. She would be so… so…” The tears come hard and fast. “So…”

I can’t speak anymore, I’m a complete and utter sobbing mess. Yes, Victoria would be proud of Liam but I don’t think she would be me. I don’t think she’d be happy to see me all about work and nothing else. She’s probably haunting me right now, screaming in my ear that I need to be a better person, and I’ve been ignoring her. Carrying on in my own bullshit way.

Please, I beg in my mind, trying everything in the damn pathetic hope that someone might be haunting me. Please, Victoria, let Liam live. Help him. Do whatever the hell you can. Don’t take my boy away from me, please God, I need him. He’s perfect, he deserves to live.

I don’t really believe in ghosts or praying or whatever, but today, with Liam in a bed and tubes everywhere, with his life in the hands of other people, I’m willing to try anything. As the tears stream violently down my cheeks, I lose all control of myself and I lay my weeping head on my son’s body. I need someone to find some A positive blood and quickly. I don’t know how much more of this I can take…