Chapter Sixteen – Katy

I stare at the computer screen until my eyes feels fuzzy, just drinking the email in. It’s really great news written in the email, it helps me a lot with Evan’s case because it’ll help me to buy some time for him to sort out his finances, but I can’t get as excited as I once would have. Not when I’ve got this dilemma running through my brain. To be partner or not… I can’t believe it’s even a question. I should be jumping at the chance, I should be over the moon, but it just doesn’t feel like the amazing goal that it once did. I don’t have the same shiny ring to it.

“Knock, knock,” Grant’s voice rings through my office. “Can I come in?”

A heaviness overcomes me as I glance up to look at him, my eyelids feel incredibly heavy, but I force a weak smile onto my lips. “Yeah sure, is everything okay, Grant?”

He doesn’t answer me, he waltzes into my office and takes the seat opposite me. It’s a place that he’s sat a million times before and I’ve always wanted him there, but now I feel uncomfortable, like we’re two different species who don’t understand one another at all. I don’t know what’s changed… maybe it’s because I’m a rule breaker now, someone who sleeps with clients.

Oh God. Don’t think about that now… not with Grant in the room.

“What, erm… what’s going on?” I cock my head curiously at him. “All okay?”

“Yeah, I’ve just come in to check on you. I’ve been a little worried.”

“You’re worried about me?” I’m taken aback by this remark. I don’t know why, but it feels weird coming from him now. Insincere, maybe, since I know how disappointed he was when the partner announcement was made. He tried to look like he didn’t care, but I could see it written all over his face. I wonder what his angle is now, maybe he wants to check that I’m not going to take the partner job because he wants it for himself. “But why? There isn’t anything to worry about.”

Grant crosses one leg over the other and he folds his arms across his chest. Then he stares at me like I’ve grown an extra head or something. I feel like I’m a naughty school girl about to get yelled at by the head teacher for acting out in class. In that moment, all the inappropriate memories of Evan and his amazing tongue fills my brain, making me blush brightly.

“Nothing to worry about? Katy, there is plenty to worry about. You got offered the partner position, which I know you’ve been aiming for forever and you turn it down…”

“I didn’t turn it down, I just said that I’d think about it,” I jump back in defensively. Something about his words really freak me out. “Nothing is set in stone yet.”

“Yes, of course.” Grant nods slowly. “I understand that. What I don’t understand is why. Why would you need to think about it? Why isn’t the answer obvious?”

I purse my lips thoughtfully. Rationally I know he’s right but it just isn’t that simple anymore. “I know, but what about having a social life? What about spending time with friends and family? What about making connections and having relationships? I can’t do any of that working in Harrison and Associates, now or as a partner. I’ve always thought it would get better when I was made partner, but now I’m not so sure. Everyone here works all the time, no one has any time off…”

“Yeah I get that. But, it’s worth it, isn’t it? We have good money, success, we’re important, and we’ll be able to retire early. Isn’t all of that worth it?”

I stare at him with wide confused eyes. “But what about your girlfriend? Doesn’t she mind you never being around? You do so many all nighters here that it must put a strain on things.”

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat and flickers his eyes away from me. I can tell that I’ve hit the nail on the head with that remark. “I suppose so, I mean…” He sighs loudly. “Look, I know that you’re right with that one, we’ve split up actually for that reason, but it is what it is. I just need to find someone who’s a bit more open to my schedule.”

I sigh loudly as my heart sinks. It probably should be good news that Grant is now single, especially when he’ll be looking for someone who understands his schedule – just like me, since mine is just as busy – but it isn’t. Not now that I’ve met Evan. He’s changed absolutely everything for me. Now I’ve seen real passion and I’ve felt a tiny bit of what a relationship can be like. I don’t want something stilted and confined by lack of time. I don’t want a relationship where we stare at each other, tired and bleary eyed across an office. That isn’t for me at all.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Grant, but that only proves my point. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I haven’t made any real decisions yet. I need to think about it still… when I get a moment.”

He reaches out to grab my hand and he gives me an intense look. “You aren’t actually thinking about turning the job down, are you? Because it sounds to me like you don’t even want to be at the company anymore. I don’t know what it’ll be like without you here. I’ll miss you, we all will.”

His words make my heart flutter wildly, but I don’t feel my decision shift. I still don’t know what to do. Just because Grant wants me here, it doesn’t mean I want to be here anymore. Somehow, I need to find a way to keep up with my law career and have a life as well.

I do need to figure it out, but right now I need to get out of this office before the walls close around me. “I need to get out of here for a bit, I have to meet with a client,” I say while standing up. “But thanks, Grant. That was a good chat. It means a lot to me.”

“I just don’t want to lose you,” he tells me intensely. “That’s all.”

His words leave me all churned up in knots, so as I leave the office I make a desperate phone call to someone who will give me another point of view. I don’t want to get swayed either way, I just need a selection of opinions to help me make up my mind and this person will see my lack of life outside work over everything else. She’s the perfect person to give me the opposite opinion.

“Hello, Katy? Is everything alright?” Robyn gushes, sounding terribly concerned about me. “It isn’t like you to call me in the middle of the day.”

“Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to worry you, I just need to talk to you about something. Do you have a moment? Are you at work?”

“Yeah, I am, but I can talk. There’s no one in the store right now so it’s cool.”

I breathe deeply as I slide into my car and I start telling her my story. “Well, you know how I was working towards being a partner? Well, I’ve been offered the job.”

“Oh, my God, that’s amazing! That’s what you’ve been wanting isn’t it? You must be so happy. Do you want to go out and celebrate? We could go and get drinks, since you’ll have more time.”

“The thing is,” I jump in rapidly, needing to make her see that she isn’t on the right line at the moment. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I should take it or not.”

“Oh.” There’s an awkward silence and I totally know why. The last time I spoke to Robyn about it, I was all keen on becoming partner, I told her it was all I’ve ever wanted. I made a big deal about it and now… well now things have changed. I haven’t even seen her to talk about Evan yet, so this new change in me is going to be very strange to Robyn. “I see. So, you didn’t immediately jump in and take it? I thought…”

“I know,” I reply with a sad shake of my head. “I thought so too. I guess I just think that you might be right. Everything might not change and I might still be just as busy.”

“Yeah…” she drawls. She definitely thinks that, which makes my heart sink lower. “I don’t think everything will get a lot better if you become partner, but if that’s what you want to do then you shouldn’t let that affect you. It’s your dream, isn’t it?”

“I thought it was. But now I don’t know.”

“What has changed? This just seems so out of the blue for you. I mean, I’m going to be honest with you, I think you’d be much better off out of that office but that’s just me. I think life is more for living not working, but that’s why you’re the successful one and I’m not.”

Her words make my life feel so empty, I really have just been a husk, existing for such a long time. My life is so gray and boring… I want to inject some color into it. “What else can I do though, Robyn? Being a lawyer is all I know. I just don’t see any other option for me.”

“Oh, Katy,” Robyn laughs. “You are the smartest person I know. I’m sure you can do whatever you set your mind to. If you’re serious about getting out of that office, then I’ll support you. I’ll help you, you won’t be alone in your decision.”

I breathe a little freer as I realize she’s right. Just because being a lawyer is all I’ve ever known doesn’t mean I have to spend my entire life doing it. It might not be easy, but I can do something else if I want. I can step out of the box that I’ve created around myself and spread my wings. Robyn will be there for me, always. She’s proven that to me.

“And since you might be getting your life back, maybe you can finally meet Michael…”

“Actually, about that,” I blush as I interrupt. I need to let Robyn know the truth before I’m forced to let Michael down again. “I might not be able to meet Michael. I might have met someone.”

“Oh, my God,” she coos. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. Is that what’s brought about this change? If so, then my God I’m happy and I cannot wait to meet this guy.”

“Well, not yet, things aren’t that set in stone. It’s all just… beginning.”

“I want to meet up with you soon so I can get all the gossip, okay? I know you’re always busy but you need to make time for me.”

I laugh at her little joke. “Yes, I will do. I’ll text you when I get a chance. Love you, Robyn.”

“Yeah, I love you too, babe. See you soon, okay? Can’t wait to hang out!”

As I hang up the phone to her, I feel a brightness in my chest. This decision has been weighing heavily on me ever since I first heard about it but now I don’t think it’s quite so soul destroying as it once felt. Robyn has made me see that there’s more to life. Maybe, as scary as it is, I can walk away from being a lawyer and do something else.

But not for now. Right now, I have to help Evan with his business. Once I’ve done that, then I can start making all the choices about my future. One thing at a time.