Chapter Twenty Two – Serena
I can’t believe I’m here, I just... I cannot believe it. It’s horrible.
I’ve resorted to the one thing I never thought I would do, the one thing I tried my hardest to avoid... I’ve come back home. My home town still looks exactly the same; remote, run down, shabby. It’s almost as if it wants to remind everyone all the time that it’s the sort of place that’s going nowhere and that no one ever wants to visit. That’s why I haven’t wanted to come back since I left. The sleek lights of the modern city are so much better than this.
I’m working, I can’t afford the travel, I have to look after Jenny... there have been many excuses that I’ve used over the past few years to avoid coming back home for the holidays, and now I’m here again, as a surprise. With a surprise or two. This is going to go really well.
“Hello there, Serena,” Old Men Ted calls out to me in a tone that suggests he only saw me yesterday rather than five years ago. “How are you?”
“Erm, yeah fine.” This place must be a time trap, people just get stuck in the same moment and nothing ever changes. “How are you?”
“Oh good, you know how it is. It hasn’t been easy since my wife died...” Oh God, that’s something I didn’t know about. I don’t know what to say. “But I’m getting there.”
“That’s erm, yeah good. I think I better go. My parents are waiting for me.”
He nods and lets me leave, but as I go the fact that I’m in a time warp doesn’t leave me. It’s almost as if everything that happened out of this town was a dream; the jobs, Jenny, Ben... all of it. If it wasn’t for the reminder in my belly I might truly forget about it all. It’s almost as if I haven’t left school yet, I’m still with Luke, I haven’t done any growing up.
As I stand outside my childhood home, I feel odd, like I don’t belong. All I need to do is take a few steps forward and I’ll be there. But those few steps feel like climbing a mountain. I don’t know if I can do them. I’m aware that I need to, that I can’t move on with my life without making those steps, but I just can’t do it. What am I going to say? Hi guys, I’m back! Oh and I’m pregnant with twins and the father doesn’t want to know. Yeah, that’s going to go really well.
With a deep sigh I take those steps with heavy feet. I don’t think I ever intended to come back, not really. I certainly didn’t ever intend to return here. When I lift my hand to knock on the door, it’s trembling like crazy, but still I make myself do it. When my fist hits the door, the sound reverberates right through me. It makes my head ache and my chest feel weird. I’m filled with utter regret about everything that I’ve done so far.
“Oh.” The door swings open and my dad stands on the other side, looking at me like I’m a ghost from his past. I suppose in a way I am. “Serena. We weren’t expecting you...”
“No, I know. This is a surprise.” I try to smile but it definitely doesn’t reach my eyes. “I just thought I would come home because.” I shrug. There isn’t a reasonable explanation for this. “Because I haven’t in a very long time.”
“No, of course not. Come inside.”
As I step in, I’m in yet another time warp. It’s almost as if I’ve never left. I’m sure if I head upstairs I’ll see my old bedroom looking exactly the same as it always did.
“Hey, sis.” I turn to see a tall boy who’s grown skinner but more manly since the last time I saw him. His presence actually shocks me and reminds me that while nothing looks like it’s changed, absolutely everything has. “How are you? Long time no see.”
He wraps his arms around me and has me gasping in shock. “Ethan, you’re actually taller than me now. I can’t believe it.”
“Well, I am seventeen years old now. I have grown quite a bit.”
“Yeah that’s...” I look at him with shining eyes. “You look good, bro. I’m glad to see you again. It’s been too long, I will make more effort to come back again.”
“Oh my goodness, Serena, Is that really you?” Mom joins us then, with a shocked expression on her face. “I can’t believe that you’ve finally come back home. Have you decided to come back now? You know we want you home.”
“Erm, not exactly.” Urgh, if only it was that simple. Now I kinda wish that was it. “Can we talk? Do you mind? Can we all go in the living room?”
Mom and Dad share a look, but they follow me into the front room. At first, Ethan makes us all tea, during which time we do some pointless small talk. I fill my parents in on the very basics of what I’ve been doing in the city over the last five years. I give the scantest details, even though I know they want more. They also tell me a couple of things too, not that I pay much attention. My buzzing ears can’t hear anything.
Then Ethan comes back in and it’s time to tell all. As he hands me a mug, I have to instantly put it down for fear of making a mess. My shaking hands can barely hold anything right now. I’m a mess.
“So.” I rub my hands up and down my trousers. “The reason I’m here actually is because I’m... I’m...” I breathe in and out a couple of times, trying desperately to steady myself. Mom and Dad are staring at me like I’ve grown an alien head, but Ethan is more focused on the TV. Thank God, I don’t know how I’d get this out with his eyes on me as well. “I’m pregnant.” An intense hush fills the room so I feel the need to continue, to get it all out. “With twins, actually.”
Mom and Dad look at each other again and I’m sure I see both their faces pale. Even Ethan shoots me a little glance but there isn’t any judgement there. He’s just giving me a look, almost as if he’s trying to tell me that he’s there. For a seventeen year old, he sure seems mature.
“You’re having a baby?” Dad finally pants out. “With who? Why isn’t the father here with you? Are you married? Did you get married and not tell us?”
Of course he would ask that. He comes from a time period and a small town that expects such behaviour. People from here don’t have babies unless they’re married. Of course that leads to lots of shot gun weddings, but that’s preferable to doing it alone. I knew this was a bad idea.
“No, I’m not married,” I say quietly. “I’m not with the father either. He... well he freaked out when I told him about the baby and now he doesn’t want to know.”
“Oh my God.” Mom stands up and she paces the room. “Oh my goodness. I cant believe this. I cannot believe this happened.” She runs her hands through her hair looking incredibly stressed by my news. I knew she wouldn’t take it well, but I don’t know if I thought it would be this bad. “This is why we didn’t want you to go to the city, we knew this would happen. You should have just stayed here and continued dating that nice Luke boy. You know what he does now? He’s the manager of the supermarket.”
Urgh, I can’t even entertain that notion. It’s too painful for words. Mom clearly doesn’t know what an asshole Luke is. I can’t even start going down that road with her... at least now I know to avoid the supermarket.
“Mom, this is serious,” I tell her. “This didn’t happen because I went to the city, this happened because I fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve it.”
That stops her in her tracks. Maybe she thinks it’s better because I’m in love with Ben, I don’t know. Either way, she stops ranting which is good.
“What do you intend to do?” Dad jumps in, unfortunately taking over that role. “Have you come home to live here? Because I don’t know if we can have you living here with twins...”
“Dad!” Ethan jumps in, sounding stunned. “Seriously, Dad.”
“What? You can clearly see that we don’t have the room for two babies to live here and what will the neighbours think? This is a small town, Ethan, people talk. I don’t want everyone to know that our daughter ran off, got knocked up, then came running back.”
Holy fucking hell, this is rough. I can barely stand it. “I don’t want to come back here either,” I interject quickly. “That isn’t why I’m here.” God the thought of staying back here again for an extended period of time makes me want to shiver with sickness. “I guess I just wanted you guys to know.”
I push myself into a standing position. I need to get out of here now, this was a mistake, I can’t believe I even allowed myself to think this might have been a good visit.
“Are you going?” Mom gushes. “We can’t just let you go like this.”
“We can’t have her to stay either.” My dad was not letting me forget that.
“No.” Mom sits by Dad and she looks up at him. “I know that, I’m not crazy. I know it’ll be hell for Serena if she comes back. Everyone will talk about her, it’ll be horrible. What I think is we should give Serena some money to get her started.”
Mom and Dad stand up and they quietly leave the room so they can talk about it in private. They’ve always been this way. Every chat that they’ve ever had about money has been without me and Ethan in the room. I guess it’s because they don’t want us to worry, but we’re adults now. It really doesn’t matter.
I roll my eyes as they leave the room and give my brother a weak smile.
“This is why I can’t wait to get out,” he tells me seriously. “Everyone is so small minded here. I hate it. I mean, in my eyes you’re really brave. You have twins growing in your belly and you’re ready to take them on alone. That’s awesome.” Wow. That’s the first time anyone has said that to me. In a way it feels kinda nice. “The asshole dad doesn’t want to know, but that’s not important to you. You’re going ahead anyway.”
“Thank you, Ethan... when did you get so wise?”
He smiles but doesn’t answer me. Instead he continues on the same road he was before. “You should take the money that Mom and Dad give you and start again. Move somewhere far away from here. Make a good life for you and your babies.” He smiles down at my stomach. “I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle, you will send me pictures when they’re born, won’t you?”
At least I have him. He’s awesome. I’m so damn lucky to have him. He’s been the one good thing to happen in this whole trip home. “Thanks, Ethan.” I give him a genuine smile. “That means a lot, and of course I’ll send you pictures.”
“Where do you think you’ll go?” he asks me curiously. “Any ideas?”
“Hmmm, that’s a good question.” I tap my chin thoughtfully. “I honestly have no idea. I could go anywhere...”
I do know though, there’s only one place in the world I want to be. It might not be smart, but I have to go back to the city. That’s my home.