Chapter Eight – Prudence
This is the right thing to do, I think anxiously to myself as I pace up and down in front of Mr. Banker’s door at five to four, impatiently waiting to go inside. This is the way to make it right.
I have honestly been trying my best, genuinely trying to work things out on my own but it isn’t enough. The more I figure out my practical plan, the more I realize that I need to just get out there. I’ve set up some appointments, now I just hope that he’ll agree to my plan. I don’t know if he will, I know that I’m taking a huge risk just by asking him – especially when I think about how weird things are between us – but I have to at least try. There isn’t anyone else I can come to with this.
A creak rings out, the door swings open, and my heart stops dead. Mr. Banker gives me a look that shows he doesn’t quite know how to act around me, before he indicates for me to come inside. I wonder if he’s being weird because my dad just died or because there’s a strange atmosphere hanging in the air between us. I could get sucked in and worried about this, but I’m not going to. This is far too important for me to get blind-sided by my own doubts. This is my future.
“So, Pru,” he says quietly as he takes he seat. “How have things been going?”
“I’ve been doing my homework.” I figure that starting with a positive note is the best way to go. “I’ve been doing a lot of research online and working stuff out. Budgets, apartments, jobs, all of that stuff, like you told me to do. And you were right, I do feel a little more prepared now, but…”
Just as I’m about to launch into the speech that I’ve been practicing all morning, Mr. Banker interrupts me. “Actually, first I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing with your father. I know that must be really hard for you, and I’m sure you’re in a place where you can’t talk about it.”
I hang my head low, blinking back the tears that threaten to come. That’s always there in my mind, circling through me and reminding me that I’m lonely, but I’ve made the conscious decision not to allow it to change things. My father and his choices and actions have controlled my life since I was eight years old when my mother died. Now, I’m the one in charge and I want to focus on that.
“I’m sad.” I half shrug and keep my eyes fixed downwards. “But I’m still going to continue on with my mission. I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted… I don’t know what else I can do.”
Mr. Banker lets out a sympathetic groan and he sighs. “Look, I know it might seem easier right now to push it to one side and forget about it while you’re about to go on this big life journey, but shoving your feelings down isn’t healthy. They’ll come back up eventually.”
I know that he’s right but still I don’t want to get into it. I came here with a mission and it’s one I need to complete. I think after all this time of being introspective has helped me to deal with things on my own. Yes, I’ve had someone to discuss things with from time to time, but most of it I’ve done alone. I’ll be fine, I know it. I nod slowly and smile the brightest one I can manage.
“Honestly, Mr. Banker, I’m okay. I know it’s weird to feel this way, but I suppose he’s been nothing more than a mythical creature somewhere off in the distance for the past five years. Yes, I feel a bit sad without him, but in a way, it’s freeing. This way, I can put my past behind me completely. A big part of me was always worried how things would be when he got out of prison anyway, and now that’s something I’ll never have to face. I won’t have to keep looking over my shoulder and wondering what it’ll be like when we meet. He’s gone, so it’s never going to happen.”
A hollow sensation fills my chest but I cough to cover it up. It’ll be fine, there’s a lot of truth to my words anyway. I won’t have to keep looking around me all the time.
“Right, yeah, okay. I suppose you’re right about that.” Mr. Banker nods. “Well, just know that I’m always going to be here for you if you want to talk. Even if you’re not here anymore. My door will always be open for you. If these feelings do resurface, just come and speak with me.”
“Thank you… that means a lot to me.” I well up again, but this time it’s because I’m so pleased to have met such an awesome person while being in here. It wouldn’t have been half as nice an experience if Mr. Banker wasn’t here. I would still be the shy girl who doesn’t even make eye contact with anyone. I suppose I have come far, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. “I will do.”
“Okay, great. So, would you rather talk about your plans you’ve been making?”
I breathe deeply, trying to regain the confidence I built up outside these office doors. “I would actually, and I think I have a plan about it. One that will help me more than the Internet.”
“Yeah?” Mr. Banker narrows his eyes at me. “Well that sounds positive. What’s that?”
“Well, as I was looking at apartments and jobs I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, but that’s because I feel like maybe I need to see them in real life.” A cringe fills my chest, I don’t know how he’s going to react. “And I know I’m supposed to wait until after my birthday, but I really want to get out of here the moment I can – even more so now my father’s gone.” I feel a bit shit using that as an excuse, but I need to use all the tools I can at my disposal. “So, I set up some for… tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Mr. Banker gushes in shock. “What do you mean, tomorrow? They aren’t going to let you out on your own while you aren’t yet eighteen to do stuff like that. I know you’re keen.”
“I am keen.” Shit he isn’t getting it. I’m going to have to spell it right out. I wanted to avoid this, but it seems I can’t. “Which is why I was thinking you could maybe come with me.”
“You want me.?” He gives me an incredulous look, which isn’t what want. “On a weekend?”
Ah, maybe I didn’t think this through after all. Maybe he has weekend plans, maybe he’s going to be with his girlfriend. This might be terribly inappropriate of me. All of a sudden I feel small and childish as I feel my big plan crumble all around me. I’m just so scared of being forced to get a job while still living in the center while I figure things out. I want to be gone, I’m so done now.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I suppose I didn’t think this through. I just got so carried away.” I shake my head as embarrassment curdles in my stomach. “I’ll call the apartment viewings and job interviews now.”
“You organized all of that since Tuesday?” Mr. Banker asks me, clearly very shocked. “I have to say, Pru, that’s very impressive. Especially for someone like you. I haven’t forgotten how scared and shy you were when you first came here. This is… well, it’s a very big step.”
I nod, but since I no longer trust myself to speak I don’t say anything. What started off as a very important meeting to me has become a pit of shame. I want to get out quick before I make things worse than they already are. I can’t have any sympathy from Mr. Banker, it’ll kill me.
“You know what?” he says while tapping his finger against his chin. “I’ll come with you. It might be hard to swing with the bosses of this place, but I’m sure that if I explain the entire story of you and your past they’ll come around. The fact that you’re doing something so positive for your future will look really good. I’m sure they’ll let me go with you.”
I stare into his eyes for a few moments, trying to work out exactly what’s going behind his gaze. “I don’t want to push you,” I tell him seriously, while pursing out my lips. “I don’t want to take away your weekend. I got so carried away with my plans that I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I’m sure you have plans anyway and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
“No, I don’t have any plans.” I don’t know if I believe him, but Mr. Banker seems willing to give up whatever he’s planning for me, which is nice. “I want to do this for you.”
My heart soars in my chest. Not only am I getting out of here, I’m spending time with Mr. Banker too… my favorite person in the world. With him, I feel like I can take on anything. I feel like I can get my home and my job, I feel like I can get sorted. I just know it.
“I really appreciate it, Mr. Banker,” I tell him with a nod. “That’s so kind of you.”
“You know, if we’re going in the city together then I think you might have to call me Logan.” The way he grins at me makes my heart race at a million miles an hour. My tummy twists and churns with butterflies flapping all over. “Maybe not even just in the city. You are an adult now after all.”
An adult… I’m an adult. I like how that feels. It gives me a strong sense of control over myself, which is something I haven’t had in a very long time. I think I’m going to love being an adult.
“Okay then, Logan.” It feels really strange to say that. “Thank you, Logan.”
He pushes out his chair to stand up so I do the same. I know it’s time for me to leave but I don’t right away. I stare at him, feeling something monumental shift between us. Now this isn’t just a day out of the center with one of the adults while I figure my life out, this is me and Logan. I’m one of the adults too which makes me feel absolutely incredible.
“Okay, so I will come and pick you up in the morning then. How does eight AM sound?”
“Absolutely perfect,” I say breathily as my emotions run away with me. “That sounds wonderful. My first appointment is at half nine so that gives us time to find out where I need to go.”
He grabs onto a piece of paper and scribbles out some words. “Here is my email address. Why don’t you send me the list tonight so I can figure out a contingency plan? Also, with an hour and a half I’m sure we can go out for breakfast first, get something to eat out of here.”
Oh God, that sounds too romantic for words. All of a sudden, the plan that I had in my mind takes on a brand-new spin and my heart hammers with excitement. Of course, I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’m going to get my heart hurt in the long run, but I can’t stop it.
It won’t be for long anyway. Soon enough, I’ll be moving on and becoming a brand-new version of me. God, I cannot wait.