Chapter Twenty Five – Ben
She needs me, that’s all I’ve wanted to hear ever since I first started getting my act together. She needs me. Serena is letting me in at the most crucial part of our babies lives. That has to mean something, even if it isn’t forgiveness.
“What do you need?” I ask, all business. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
“I don’t know,” she whimpers while leaning over the bed. “I don’t know it just hurts all over. Like, literally everywhere. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
“Okay, okay. Do you need a nurse?” I can already feel myself starting to panic. I promised myself that I wouldn’t, but already I’m a fucking mess. “What do we need?”
She grips onto my hands so tight that I fear she might crack my fingers in half and she screams. The sounds rips from her very soul and shreds the room to pieces. It’s absolutely terrifying. “I don’t know, I just need you to help me.”
As she collapses into my arms, all weak and covered in sweat, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. This is where I should have been all along, with Serena, helping her through this. I can’t believe I allowed my fear of my business failing, despite the fact that it’s really far away from that, allow me to push the most important person in my life away from me. I’m an idiot, I deserve to lose it all. I’m just glad it hasn’t worked out like this. If Serena gives me another try right now I’m going to throw my heart and soul into it and never fuck up again.
“I’m really sorry, Serena,” I say in a rush of emotion. “I know I’ve been a bad person, and I know that I’ve never deserved you, and honestly...”
“Shut up, Ben,” she snaps back through gritted teeth. “Now really isn’t the time.”
She’s right, I know she’s right. How could I ever think about bringing this up right now? What an idiot. I’ve just told myself that I wouldn’t screw up again and right off the bat I have.
“Sorry, Serena, honestly I don’t know...”
“Stop saying sorry. Go and get a nurse. I definitely need a nurse now. Or a doctor, or someone.”
Practical help, now that’s something I can definitely do. “Right, yes, I’ll go right now.”
I push open the door and tear off down the hallway at a million miles an hour. I think I might even rush past Jenny at some point but I’m not sure because I’m not really looking. My heart thunders painfully in my chest, I can hear it beating in my ears, and there’s a tight knot of anxiety that’s bundled up in my stomach. A cold snake glides through my organs, making me shiver sporadically every so often.
Thank God I’ve sorted myself out for this moment, thank goodness Mom told me the truth about Dad and she made me see sense about the way that my life was going. Serena and the twins deserve so much more than the person I was before. I’m just so glad that I’m not a mess anymore. Not the drunken, sodden idiot that I was not so long ago.
“Nurse!” I cry out as soon as I spot someone. “I need help. My...” I can’t say girlfriend, she isn’t really any girlfriend of mine at the moment. “The mother of my children is struggling. We need help.”
The nurse nods and agrees to come with me, and while I wait a moment for her to finish what she’s doing, I pull out my cell phone and I fire off a text to my mom. After all the hell that she’s put herself through in the last few months just to get me back on track, she deserves to know that I’m at the hospital and that my babies are being born. Finally I might have something to make her proud of me.
‘Mom, Serena finally called me back, she’s in labour, I’m at the hospital now. I’ll send you a picture once they are born.’
Then I glance upwards and I smile at the universe. It’s time, I’m finally about to become a father. I didn’t even know this was a dream of mine, but now that it’s about to come true I’m so damn excited...
***
“I cannot believe these babies belong to us,” I say again to Serena as another burst of intense love washes over me. It’s a boundless, endless love that I didn’t know I was even capable of. “These babies. We made them.”
“I made them,” Serena says with a giggle. “You didn’t really do anything to be honest.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that one.” I glance over to her and smile brightly as I drink her blissful, peaceful face in. She’s been through a very hard labour, it was longer and more difficult on her body than I ever thought it could be, but she was extremely brave throughout. I am so proud of her. “I didn’t do anything, but I’m so grateful to you for everything that you’ve done.”
I want to reach down and hold her hand, but I have my baby boy in my arms, and Serena has hold of our brand new baby girl. Oddly enough, right now, my daughter looks like me and my son looks like Serena. It’s lovely, they’re an adorable mix of both of us.
“I’m glad that you’re here now,” she replies thickly. “I know it hasn’t been an easy few months but I’m glad you’ve come.”
“Oh my God, I’m so grateful that you’ve called. After everything I did I didn’t deserve that phone call, but I’m glad...”
“Is it true that you’ve been cleaning yourself up? And that you’ve spoken to Tia about it?”
My heart sinks, my hanging out with Tia just to get a little bit of closeness to Serena, despite the fact that the girls don’t really hang out anymore, is supposed to be a secret. I told her not to tell anyone that she was sort of my therapist for a while, but it seems that nothing can be sacred.
“Oh right, yeah. I suppose so. I just...” I shrug. “I don’t know, it hasn’t been easy without you.”
She gives me a smile and glances at the gorgeous bundle of joy in my arms. “So, what are we going to call them? We need to have names?”
“Have you not spent the last few months thinking of names? I assumed you’d already have something picked out.” After everything that I’ve done, I know I don’t have any rights to get to name the babies. I’d like to, but it doesn’t mean I get to.
“No. I never found out what I was having.” Serena snuggles her nose against my little girl. “I wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I never thought I would be having one of each.”
“So what do you like?”
“Brandon,” she suggests. “Do you like that?”
I glance down at my boy and immediately see that the name fits. “I love it,” I tell her. “It suits him so much. Brandon. Awesome.” I look over at my daughter. “And what about Rose, for her?”
As Serena’s face breaks into a smile I can see that I’ve hit the nail on the head. She loves Rose for our little girl just as much as I do. Brandon and Rose, our little twins, the future of me and Serena.
“So... erm, what are you going to do now? I don’t know if I have much right to ask, but I do need to know all the same. “Like, when you get out the hospital, I mean? Do you have somewhere to live?”
“I do...” She nods slowly. “But it’s with Jenny. I don’t know how keen she is to have two babies living with us to be honest. She hasn’t said anything, but I don’t think I’d much like it if I were her. Now that she’s a dancer, she’s out all hours too, so it probably won’t work... maybe I should have thought about this before the birth, huh?”
My heart soars, I feel my spirits lift high. I know I’m about to overstep the boundary before I even say it but I can’t speak. Somehow, I can’t seem to stop myself. “You know you could still move in with me?” The words sound strained, Serena is bound to hear the pressure that I’m putting on myself. “You’re room is still there, exactly as you left it. There’s plenty of room for the twins...”
“But I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?” Serena cocks her head at me. “It didn’t exactly work out last time, did it?”
“No it didn’t, but that’s because of me. I was an idiot, I was foolish, I got scared about us being too close to one another too quickly... I freaked and I push people away, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.” My heart melts and my tone softens as I look at Serena. “The only difference is you’re the only person I miss. You’re the only person that I think about every single day.”
“You do?”
“I’ve texted you, every single day, haven’t I? I’ve proved to you that I’ve been thinking about you, haven’t I? I know that I’ve been foolish, I know I’ve acted badly, but I won’t anymore. You just have to give me a chance. To be with you, to be a father, to prove that I’m worthy?”
She pauses for a moment and thinks it through, I can almost see the cogs ticking in her brain. I bite down on my lip as I try my hardest to keep my persuasive words inside. All I want to do is outpour all my feelings to her but I know after everything she’s just been through that will overwhelm her. I need to just keep my feelings inside and let her work it out for herself. It might kill me, but I have to do it. I just need to keep reminding me that it’s the right thing to do.
“You really want to try?” she asks me curiously. “You really want to go through all of this again? With me, and the babies, and all the nightmare that’s going to come with that?”
The thought of it crushes me, but in a really good way. I want all of that so much, I want her, the commitment, the babies, the fatherhood. I want it more than anything in the world. “Yes, please, it would mean so much to me if you would just give me a try. I honestly couldn’t want anything more.”
She parts her lips, ready to give me her answer and I tense up while I wait for it. But unfortunately before she gets her answer out, before I find out whether or not she’s going to agree to my plan, the door swings open and my heart sinks. Jenny is back, she’s here to interrupt before I get my answer. I don’t blame Jenny, she deserves to see my babies too, but her timing is terrible.
“Hey, Ben, it’s me.”
Oh, it isn’t Jenny, it’s someone really shocking, someone that maybe I should have suspected would turn up after my message earlier. It might not be the best way for this to happen, but it’s here now, it’s upon us. It might have been forced upon us, but it’s here all the same. Best to just accept it.
I turn my head just to see her eyes shining, her face ecstatic and all of a sudden it feels perfectly right that she’s here. After all this moment wouldn’t happen without her. If Mom hadn’t kicked my ass, I would be in a gutter somewhere. Probably drunk and damn near death,
“Mom... you’re here. This is Serena, Serena, this is Mom.”