Chapter Nineteen – Ben
I’m fucking pissed off. Furious, actually. That was the worst meeting with my accountant that I’ve ever had. I can see now that putting it off all day long and turning it into a late night meeting with drinks and dinner was a terrible idea. I cannot go to sleep with all that bad news circling my brain.
Things are going downhill. We’re losing clients and money rapidly and I know what the reason is. It’s me, I’m the key to the success of the company. Without me, everything falls apart. I’ve been delegating to others because I’ve been distracted with everything Serena, and if I carry on down this route I’m going to lose everything. I need to tell her, once she gets home from work at the bar tonight I need to sit her down and tell her that I cannot spend so much time with her, I can’t keep getting distracted. We need to take a step back from one another and start focusing on our lives around one another.
I’m starting to think now that things have been moving too fast after all. All this racing to move in together, all this rush to say I love you.... it’s crazy. I can’t believe I’ve gotten so out of control. I’ve allowed myself to get sucked in by the romance of it all, the heady excitement of brand new romance. I’ve acted foolish and now it’s time to get back to what’s important. I need to keep my company on track because that’s been my life for far too long. Serena has gotten under my skin, even more so than Ally did, and now I need to step away from that.
I won’t make her move out, I know she still needs somewhere to stay, but she needs to leave my bedroom, then we can live more separate lives for a while. We just need to take things slower.
As I push the door to my home open, I can see all the lights already on. Someone’s already here, and it has to be Serena. She must have left work early for some reason. Good, the sooner I can get this all out the better.
“Serena?” I yell angrily, slamming the door behind me. “Serena, are you here?”
“Coming.” Her tone is jovial and sweet which makes me feel terrible for the fact that I’m about to shatter it, but I have to do this for the good of my work. “Hold on.”
She floats down the stairs in a nightdress and a lovely smile on her face. Her flushed cheeks and bright sparkly eyes are already getting to me. I can feel my resolve weakening.
“Hi, Ben.” She pulls herself up towards me and presses a kiss on my lips. “I’m glad you’re home. I have something that I need to speak to you about actually.”
“Oh right. Yeah, me too.” I follow her into the living room with my head spinning. Maybe I should just let her get her stuff out first because once I start speaking I have no idea what direction things will take.
We both sit down, her on the couch and me on the chair, and we stare at each other. I don’t know what’s going on behind her eyes, there’s something a bit manic in her expression. It’s so much that I actually forget about my thing for a moment.
“What’s going on, Serena?”
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” she admits coyly. “I know it’s a bit of a weird one but I just need to get it out.” As she takes in a deep breath my heart constricts. I panic about what she’s going to say. “I haven’t been feeling great recently, so I decided to check just in case. I brought a test, and well... I...” She pulls out something from her pocket, five things actually, and she flashes them at me as if I’m supposed to know what that means.
“What are you showing me?” I ask breathlessly. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s a pregnancy test. Well, a few actually, it seems that we’re having a baby!”
The world falls out from underneath me. I feel my head spinning and my butt sliding off the seat. This is utterly insane, the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me. One minute I’m planning to tell Serena that we need to take time apart from one another and the next minute she’s ripping the rug out from underneath my feet. How can I focus on the business? How can I make things better if I’m a father? It’s just not possible.
“Are you sure?” I hear myself rasp. As I look at her she’s blurry, fear has me semi blind.
She points to the tests. “Yeah, pretty sure, I had to take a few tests to be certain, but yeah I’m definitely pregnant. We’re having a baby, which I suppose makes sense because we weren’t always careful.”
She’s right. We didn’t always use protection, with Serena I haven’t been as careful as I always am with everyone else, but I didn’t think this was going to happen. If I did then I wouldn’t have acted so rashly.
“This is too soon.” I shake my head rapidly from side to side. “We can’t do this.”
“What are you saying?” Serena sounds hurt like she actually expected me to react differently to this news. “What do you mean, Ben? Did you hear what I said? We’re having a baby.”
“Don’t keep saying it,” I insist as I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t remind me. This is... it’s horrible. This has got to be the worst news ever.”
Serena stands up now and the flush on her cheeks is so clearly from anger. “This is a baby. How the hell can you say it’s the worst news ever?” Her eyes fill with tears, but I don’t feel anything for her. I’m not empathetic or sympathetic. I’m nothing. I’m numb, separate. This is nothing to do with me. “Are you serious?”
“Serena, we barely know each other.” I push myself into a standing position too, then I can’t stand still, my itchy feet need to move so I pace up and down. “I don’t know you, you don’t know me... we can’t have a baby together this is too much.”
“I was shocked at first,” she tries kindly. “But now I’m really happy about it. I just keep thinking that while everything that’s happened between us has been a bit crazy and unexpected, it’s all worked out well in the end. Maybe it’s fast for other people but for us it seems right. We can do this, we can be together, we can have this baby...” She grabs onto my hands and stares deeply into my eyes. “Together, it’ll be perfect.”
For a moment, I lose myself in the picture she’s presenting to me. I allow myself to see what she sees. Me and her with a little bundle of joy that will bring us everything that we’ve ever wanted. It’s a nice image, but it’s idealistic, and I can’t cave to that.
“No.” I snatch my hands away. “No, Serena, I can’t do that. My business, it’s struggling without me. I need to give it more focus. I came here tonight to tell you that I need to take a step back from us so I can focus on work more. I can’t keep doing this.” I wave my hands above my head, in a frustrated manner. “Then you come at me with this. It’s almost like you’ve done it on purpose.”
“On purpose? You think I got pregnant on purpose?” Now she’s really mad. “Look, this isn’t what I was expecting either, but we’re both equally responsible.” She steps back from me and runs her eyes up and down me like she no longer likes what she sees. “I cannot believe you’re pushing me away. No wonder you can’t ever make a relationship last.”
“This isn’t a relationship.” The fire burns brightly in me now, everything that I’m angry about floats to the surface. “This is just two people playing house until something better comes along.”
Maybe I don’t quite mean that as it sounds, but that’s how it comes out anyway. Serena moves away from me like I’ve slapped her in the face. “Well I’m sorry that I’m not the something better you want. I’m sorry that me and my baby are an inconvenience to you. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to play house with me anymore.”
She turns on her heels and races back up the stairs, I can hear her thundering footsteps. My breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my head spins as the emotions drain from me. I know I should probably go and speak to Serena, to try and make things right, but for now I just want her to go. I don’t want to resolve things because I don’t want her around anymore.
I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my mind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.
With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.
Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.
“Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”
She recoils in horror and clutches her hand protectively to her stomach. “One of those clinics? You mean an abortion clinic? You think I should get rid of this baby?”
“It just isn’t the right time,” I offer up. “And I do think we should get to know one another properly first. This has just highlighted that, hasn’t it?”
“I cannot believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “I actually cannot believe you. I guess you’re right... I don’t know you at all. If you thought I would give up my baby then you don’t know me either.”
She pushes past me and gets to the front door. Her hand rests on the handle where she leaves it for just a moment. I can see her thinking, and I’m also pretty sure that I see a tear splashing to the ground beneath her. I want to comfort her, but at the same time I think she’s in the wrong too. I can’t believe that she won’t even try to see things from my perspective. How is it fair that I’m going to be forced to be a father, even thought I don’t want to be?
“I’m sorry it’s ended this way,” Serena says though gritted teeth. “I am grateful for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is something that we’ll never agree on. For now, this is it.”
She leaves and I have a hollow sensation in my chest but I know that I’ve done the right thing. My business has always come first and that’s just the way it needs to be. If I want success, then I don’t have a choice and success has always been my number one priority.