Chapter Ten – Prudence
I feel over the moon in every single way, this was absolutely the perfect idea to give me some confidence. Now I know for certain that I can do this. Looking things up online was okay, but it was too virtual to be real. Now I’m out in the actual world, experiencing it all. I’ve seen homes that I can actually see myself living in – although the ones I really like are much too expensive for me to live in, but that’s okay. I’ll work up to that in the end – and I’ve been offered multiple jobs.
“So, which position are you most inclined to go for?” Logan asks me excitedly.
“Ooh, I don’t know.” I shrug my shoulders a couple of times because I’m all much too elated. “I quite like the office, but the people seemed a bit bitchy. The clothes shop seemed pretty cool. The girls were really nice to me there, which makes me inclined to go there. Is that bad?”
“No way.” Logan shakes his head rapidly. “You spend so much of your time at work so you have to like the people you’re working with. Especially for someone like you, you need a good support system of friends. If you like these girls then you should go for it.”
I nod happily, glad to hear Logan say that. It’s the answer I wanted but was too afraid to ask for. I thought it might be immature to want to go for friends, but Logan’s made a good point. I will need people, having girls around me is part of the fantasy life that I want for myself. Since I can’t get all the elements I want for the fantasy part of my life, I’ll have to settle with what I can.
I glance at Logan out the corner of my eye as we get back into the car. Spending the time with him today, both of us as adults, has only made me like him even more. Every time our skin has brushed together I’ve got a buzz of excitement, every word he’s spoken to me has warmed my chest, my connection to him has increased and intensified. I wish there was some way I could carry that on.
Admittedly, in every apartment I was in I imagined Logan living there with me. I kept picturing myself standing in the kitchen with his arms around my waist from behind. I saw us collapsed together on the couch after a long day of work, watching TV and snuggling in, I imagined me and him lying together in bed, just happily being in love. Since I can never have that, I might as well be happy with what I can have, and friends are a big part of that. Those girls were really nice.
“Oh God, I’m definitely going to like it here,” I gasp while flopping my head back against the head rest of the seat. “Out in the world, it’s so much better than in the center.”
“You haven’t had any good times?” Logan asks me curiously. “Not at all.”
Instantly, all the good memories I’ve had at the center flood my mind, and each and every one of them involve Logan. No one else has made me feel as comfortable as him. “Yeah, I suppose I have had some good times,” I say coyly. “But not enough to keep me there.”
I don’t know if it’s in my imagination but as I say that, Logan’s face seems to drop. I don’t want to disappoint him, and I also don’t want our friendship to end, but at the same time I can’t stay for him. We both know that, we cannot remain close because nothing can happen. This is the only way.
“At least I don’t have to give everything up,” I say teasingly to him. “I still have your email so I can be in touch.” When he doesn’t say anything, I feel compelled to continue. “If you want…”
“Oh of course I do!” he gushes. “I don’t want to lose touch with you, I’d like to keep up to date with you. And then if you ever need help I can be there for you like I promised.”
I smile to myself feeling very happy at the idea that I don’t have to completely sever ties. Just keeping that door open one tiny bit is enough to give me confidence. I’ll be alone, but not completely and utterly by myself without any options. If I’m ever really struggling, I have someone I know.
“You probably won’t want me though, by the time you get settled,” Logan continues in a slightly morose tone of voice. “You’ll be so busy living it up and enjoying the high life that you’ll forget all about me. You won’t even remember my name.”
“I don’t know about that, Mr. Banker… or Logan. You’ve made quite a big impact on me.” I won’t admit to him how big an impact he has had because I don’t think that’s necessary. It’ll just make things weird when they don’t need to be. I might not want just friendship, but I’m happy to have that over nothing. “I’m sure I’ll always remember you.”
We drive in silence for a while with Logan taking me back to the center. I’m not ready to return yet, there are so many other things that I want to experience. I’m too impatient to wait.
“Can we go to a bar?” I ask on impulse. “Go and get a drink somewhere?”
“What?” Logan gasps in shock. “What do you mean, go to a bar? I can’t take you for a drink.”
“Why not?” I turn in my seat and give him a flutter of puppy dog eyes. I haven’t ever acted this way before but this moment calls for it. “Why can’t you take me? Please let’s go.”
“Because…” He laughs awkwardly, almost to himself. “Because you’re too young, that’s why.”
“I don’t want to drink alcohol.” Without even thinking about it, I reach across and touch his hand on the gear stick. “I just want to see what it’s like inside a bar. I want to know what that part of my life will be like, because I’m sure there will be times when I go out and do stuff like that. The drinking, the dancing, the… I don’t know. Whatever it is you do in bars.”
“What do you think you do?” Logan asks me, sounding bewildered. But I notice that he doesn’t yank his hand away from me like he could. “Bars aren’t magical, exciting places.”
“I’m not really concerned with drinking,” I admit, knowing deep in my heart that I’m speaking the full truth. “After seeing what it’s done to my father it isn’t something that seems fun. But I don’t want to shut out areas of my life that might bring people in. You know how quiet I am, it’ll be hard enough for me to make friends and socialize. I just… I guess I want to experience every single side of life and I want someone to support me with that. Someone I trust. Someone like you…”
He breaths hard and fast, and I start to fear that I might be irritating him. I suppose I’ve already pushed him far enough, taken up enough of his weekend, I don’t want to do more.
“I’m sorry I said anything,” I tell him quietly. “I don’t know why I’m trying to push, I guess I’m just excited. I’ve been so nervous to do all of this and today has filled me with confidence.”
“I’m glad that you’re confident and happy,” Logan insists. “But I can’t do anything inappropriate. If the bosses at the center find out that I’ve taken you to a bar then I’ll lose my job.”
“And you love your job?” For what feels like the first time, I ask him a personal question.
“I do.” He nods slowly. “It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, to help other people. It’s what all my education and training was about. I like the center, I think it runs well.”
I like hearing these things about him, it feels even better than going to a bar. I suppose that’s something I can do any time, this is a once in a life time thing. “I see. And how old are you now?”
My heart thumps as I wait for an answer. This is something that I have absolutely no idea about and I’m pretty terrified of the answer. Whatever it is, he’s too old for me. Probably.
“Twenty-four,” he says without looking in my direction. “Just. Last month actually.”
“Last month? You never said anything.” I don’t know why I’m surprised. In the five years, I’ve been at the center we’ve never really celebrated or talked about anyone’s birthday. I suppose that’s good really because my birthday is the anniversary of my life changing forever. “Happy birthday.”
Logan laughs, a sound that’s full of mirth. “Thank you, a bit late but thanks.”
“Did you do anything exciting?” I imagine him at a glamorous dinner party, surrounded by all his closest friends and family. He’s such a nice man he must have lots of people in his life.
He shifts a bit uncomfortably in his seat. “I actually just went to a bar. It was very dull.”
It wasn’t. I can tell, but I don’t push him on it. There must be a reason why he doesn’t want to talk about it, and it’s probably because he doesn’t want me to ask about going out again. Not that I even want to now, I want to remain here, talking to Logan, dissecting him.
“Did your wife not take you out?” Oh God, I don’t know why I even asked that! I didn’t think before I spoke and now Logan’s eyes are almost bugging out of his head.
“I’m not married, I’m too young to be married. I don’t even have a girlfriend.”
I don’t know which part to focus on most, the idea that he thinks he’s too young to be married, which puts him in a similar category to me, or the idea that he’s definitely single now. He doesn’t have anyone to love him, which is a tragedy. What the hell is wrong with all the women his age?
“Oh well I don’t have a boyfriend either,” I say with a smirk, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. “And that’s something I don’t think will change any time soon.”
“You say that now, but I bet it does,” Logan replies quietly. “A beautiful girl like you will have men lining up to be with you. You just have to be careful not to pick the bad ones.”
He thinks I’m beautiful? My hands curl around my chest as I swim in those delicious words. Logan Banker, the most handsome man on the planet, thinks I’m beautiful.
He’s someone who must know what real beauty is as well, so the fact that he’d even say that to me is massive. It makes me feel really damn good about myself. There’s a tiny part of me that actually feels beautiful for just a second, and it’s a wonderful sensation.
“Right, well we’re here now.” Logan turns to look at me with a depth to his gaze. “Back to normal, I suppose.”
“Will you be around tomorrow?” I know that he won’t but I have to ask. I don’t know if I can go a whole day without seeing him now. I feel addicted to him. “Or Monday?”
“Monday,” he replied decisively. “Yeah, I won’t be back until Monday now, but I’ll see you then for our usual appointment okay?”
It isn’t enough, I know I’ll go crazy before then but I don’t have a choice. I have to agree because right now things need to be on the terms of the adults. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll official be an adult too and everything will be just fine.
“Okay.”