Chapter Twenty – Serena
“Thank you for letting me stay, Tia, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sadly. “It means a lot to me that you would do that.”
“Serena, it’s been a week. You don’t have to thank me every day.” She glances down at my cell phone, clutched tightly between my fingers. “Still no news, huh?”
When I first turned up at Tia’s house in the middle of the night with the positive pregnancy test that she’d told me to buy, she welcomed me in with open arms. I told her it wouldn’t be for long, just until Ben saw sense and apologised but that hasn’t happened yet. He’s being stubborn. It has to be that, he can’t really want me to get rid of my baby, can he?
I rub my belly, despite the fact that there’s only a tiny little bump there, and I feel a wash of moroseness again. After I got over the initial shock, I realised how happy I am to become a Mom. Especially to Ben’s baby. How does he not feel the same? Maybe I should have listened to Marie’s warning more than I did.
“No news yet. I’m sure there will be soon, and if not I’ll get off your couch anyway. I’m sure you want your home back.”
“Where will you go?” Tia gives me a curious look. “I mean, I’m happy for you to stay as long as you need to, but I’m sure you aren’t comfortable on the couch. And what with my roommates...”
“Yeah, I know, it’s uncomfortable,” I sigh deeply. “I have a doctor’s appointment today, an ultrasound for the baby, so I guess what I’ll do is message Ben, let him know, see what he thinks when he comes to the appointment, then go from there... I suppose I could always go home to my parents.”
There is it, the dreaded fate that I’ve been trying to avoid ever since I first set foot in the city. The idea has always been there, nipping at my heels, reminding me that everything might not stay great forever and now the possibility is becoming all too real. I might actually have to face it. With a baby in my belly and no wedding ring on my finger. That’s going to go down really well. At least I’d get to see Ethan, I suppose. It’s been a very long time since I saw my baby brother. I wonder how much he’s grown...
“Ring him now,” Tia insists, shaking me from my thoughts. “Ring Ben, see if he wants to come with you.”
I scroll through the names in my phone until I find his, then I hover my finger over it for a moment. There’s a part of me that’s absolutely desperate to speak to him, I really want to hear his voice again even if he isn’t saying pleasant words to me. I really want to know how he’s feeling, a bit of my suspects that he might not be calling me because he’s too proud, too scared that I might yell at him... but what if he isn’t? What if he just doesn’t want anything more to do with me?
“I think I’ll text him,” I say without meeting Tia’s eyes for fear of the judgement that I just know will be there. “It’s easier, it makes things more casual and I don’t want to disturb him if he’s at work. That’s why all of this happened after all, because he’s so busy at his job.”
“Alright, if you’re sure that’s wise.” Tia moves out from the living room and heads towards her bedroom. As she goes, I feel jealous. I miss having a bedroom to go and lock myself in. This whole living on the couch of other people just isn’t working for me.
I need to make some changes.
‘Ben, I have an appointment today at the hospital. I will be outside there at eleven AM if you want to come. Serena.’
After I hit send I wonder if that’s a bit harsh. I read and re read the words but they don’t get any better. It hardly matters though, I suppose, I’ve said what I need to say and that’s all that’s important. Ben just needs to know where I’ll be and when. That gives him the option then, he knows what is going on. There isn’t any way that he can blame me for not letting him know what was going on.
I wait for a moment, but of course I don’t get anything back. I would like to think that he’s just in a meeting or he’s digesting the information, but in reality I know that he’s just ignoring me. The rose tinted goggles that made me see everything like a fairy tale are long gone. Nothing is magical, nothing is perfect, there are no Prince Charming’s, no adventures going to fall into my lap. Everything that’s happened to me has done so because I’ve sat back and waited... naively.
I can’t even call Jenny anymore because she’ll say I told you so. She’ll also not be too pleased that I’m staying with Tia, I imagine since they have a bit of a history. I don’t know. I just don’t want to worry her anymore than I already have. I can’t be that selfish. She’s out there living the dream, enjoying her life. She doesn’t need that ruined by me. I got myself into this mess, somehow I need to get myself out of it.
But first, I need to get dressed. I have a doctor’s appointment to get to. Despite all of this bullshit with Ben, I’m excited to see my baby on that screen for the very first time.
“It’s just you and me, I guess,” I say to my bump. “I mean, he might show, but I don’t think he will.”
I wonder if he’d turn up to the abortion clinic. Maybe he’d be more keen to see that happen. I still cannot believe he said that, it makes me feel ill. I can’t think about that today, I just can’t. I need to focus. It’s only my baby that matters now...
***
My cheeks sting with cold as I enter the hospital room. After humiliatingly waiting outside until the very last moment, just for Ben not to turn up, I’m now the tiniest bit late and I’m angry and upset too. How can he just not be here? After everything that’s happened, I still thought he’d turn up. This is his baby’s ultrasound after all.
But no, he doesn’t care. Not enough to be here.
“Hello there,” the friendly looking doctor says to me with a smile. Her light brown hair is pulled into a stark looking bun which makes her look a bit fierce to be honest. Her grin is nice enough though so maybe I shouldn’t judge. “How are you feeling today?”
“Oh, fine,” I say as I take my seat. There’s no point in telling her the whole messy truth. “Bit tired, but aside from that.” I shrug because I don’t want to get into it too much.
“How is your morning sickness? Have you had much in your first trimester?”
“I’ve been feeling very sick, but I haven’t had much vomit to be honest.”
“Okay.” She types something on the computer for a moment and I can’t help but wonder if my lack of sickness is that interesting. “And how have you been in yourself?”
Dreadful, miserable, lonely... I don’t think that’s what she wants to know. “Okay generally. Not too bad.”
“Good, good. Right well if you just hop up onto the bed then I’ll perform the ultrasound. We can take a little look at your little man or girl.”
“Will I find out the gender today?” I don’t even know if I want to. I haven’t much thought about it yet.
“No, we can’t do that just yet, the picture won’t be clear enough. If you want to know, you will have to wait until you’re twenty weeks in.”
“Half way?” That’s so far away. Now I really want to know. “Okay, fair enough.”
I lie on the table and pull my top up to reveal my slightly swollen belly. The doctor pours some extremely cold jelly across me which instantly makes me shiver. Then she grabs a white device that’s attached to an old fashioned looking computer screen.
“Right, let’s do this.”
The doctor smiles down at me one more time and I try to match her expression but all I can really focus on is the fact that Ben isn’t here. He should be, but he’s not. He’s missing out on one of the biggest moments in his baby’s life.
Maybe he’s never going to be around.
“The heart beat is strong,” the doctor mumbles as she rubs the machine across me. A black and white grainy image pops up, but I can’t yet see anything that resembles a baby. “Really strong. Actually that might be a bit erratic...”
I tune her out as she speaks and just watch the screen fascinated. Ben flows from my mind as well, if he cannot be bothered to be here then that truly is his own problem. If he isn’t interested in this wonderful miracle of life that he’s created, then that’s up to him. Right now, all I care about is the gorgeous little being inside of me.
There’s a stirring and lots of shapes but nothing I can quite make out. Still I stare at the screen as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world. It’s my insides, how weird is that? It’s a part of me that I never thought I would see and although I can’t quite tell what it is, it hardly matters now.
“Yep, just as I suspected.” All of a sudden, the doctor pulls me from my thoughts. “There are two babies in there.”
“T... two?” I stammer awkwardly. “What do you mean, two?”
“Twins.” She says this in such a matter of fact tone that it makes my heart stop dead in my chest. “Are there any twins in your family? It usually runs through.”
“I don’t think so.” I shake my head. If there were I would know about it.
“And what about the father of the babies? Does he?”
It hits me how little we know about each other. Of all the awful things that Ben said to me, that’s the one that’s stuck. We don’t know anything really, we just got stuck in a bubble We told each other little things and convinced ourselves that we were opening up.
What me and Ben had was a sham.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “Are they identical?”
“Again that’s something we don’t know at this stage, so I can’t tell you that I’m afraid.” I think she can tell by the look on my face that I’m not quite okay with this. “Would you like me to give you some literature so you can read through it? Get more used to the idea of having twins. The pregnancy will be different and so will the birth. It might be better to be well informed.”
“Yes please,” I gasp back. “Thank you.”
What do I do now? Do I tell Ben? On the one hand if he doesn’t want one baby he definitely won’t want two, but if I keep it from him am I the bad person? I want to let him know everything so I can’t be blamed for everything, but this is heavy. I just don’t know.
I take the information from the doctor and thank her in a blur. Then I stagger out of the hospital in a real state of shock. I suppose if I’m going to tell Ben then I need to do it now. Before all sensibilities kick in and I absolutely lose it.
Twins... that changes everything. Now I really need to get myself in order. There’s no more waiting around now. I have to do something drastic and quickly.