Chapter Thirteen – Logan
Why can’t I stop responding to Pru every time she does something that I know for sure is wrong? Every cheeky smile, every subtle but sexy stare, every email… I keep telling myself to take a step back from her but I can’t. It must be obvious to everyone else in the center, they must be able to feel the very obvious chemistry between us, but no one has commented as of yet. No one’s remarked on the fact that I keep turning up for breakfast when I rarely did before, no one says anything about Pru and me having more and more meetings together, and it seems that no one’s picked up on the online communication yet, which is good because that’s the riskiest thing of them all. The emails leave a paper trail, written evidence and although we don’t say anything inappropriate, I’m sure some of it is crossing a line. I hope it never gets found out and we manage to escape it.
Actually, after this afternoon, I’ll finally be able to relax and breathe properly again because the issue will be resolved. Pru’s birthday is today so we’re having a mini celebration for her. Usually, we don’t do much about birthdays because they can be extremely traumatic for some of the kids we get brought in, but since this is a goodbye party as well, we’re going all out.
Later tonight, Pru will move in to her new apartment, hopefully to never return, and all will go back to normal. I can stop being a freak, coming in to the center all the time, and I can work on rebuilding the areas of my life that I’ve come to see need some help. Things that I’ve neglected.
I harbor no illusion that Pru will continue to keep in touch with me once she starts crafting her own life, I will become some distant crush that she had a long time ago, so I need to keep myself distracted while I get over her. I may have to see her now and again to get my deposit money back, but I’m not that bothered to be honest. If she drifts away from me I’m more than happy to let her have it to get her started. For now, I think I need to focus on me for a while, to get my own very messy life in order once more. I need to turn acquaintances into friends and reconnect with people from my past that I’ve let go. If something good can come out of this, it’s that.
“Okay, so I think that’s everything,” Hank, one of the kitchen staff, comments. “We’ve been told not to make too big a deal out of things because otherwise everyone will start crying and it might trigger some of the kids, so we’ve got a cake, some sandwiches, and some odd snack bits.”
“Yep. I’m sure that’ll be fine,” I reply stiffly, not sure how to behave really. “And what time is this going on until? Is the car coming to pick the girl up right afterwards?”
“Why? You got big plans tonight?” Hank smirks knowingly at me. “You got a hot date?”
I almost snap back at him that it’s none of his business but I stop myself at the last moment. I’m trying to actually be genuinely friendly with some of these people. I just need to give Hank a chance, he might turn out to be one of the people that I really can’t live without… maybe.
“Yeah, something like that,” I lie, because I can’t tell him that I’ll be drowning my sorrows. “Just want to know what time I can get out of here for the day, you know how it is.”
“The car is coming for her at six so you can definitely go then.”
Six o’ clock and it’ll all be over. There’s a part of my heart that tears into shreds but another part that’s simply relieved. The last few weeks have been the most torturous of my entire life. I’ve never lusted after someone that I can’t have so hard before and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
“Great, I’ll be hitting a bar at quarter past then,” I attempt to joke, but I don’t think the mirth comes off too well. “Or maybe not, since it’s a Thursday night and I have work tomorrow.”
Work here, without Pru Evans in the building. How weird is that going to be? She’s been a constant presence for five years, even when I haven’t felt like this. Urgh, I’m so conflicted and confused at the moment, I’m driving myself insane. I need a damn good shake!
Hank gives me a funny look, proving that any chances of friendship with him might be well out the window, before he leaves me alone in the communal room while I wait for this little party thing to start. I finished my appointments a while back in preparation and now I’m keen to get this done. Especially the first bit when I see Pru. I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m nervous about it.
“Hey.” Oh my God, as if I’ve summoned her up by magic, I hear her soft voice behind me.
I spin around to give her a curious look. “Hi, Pru, is everything okay?”
She nods a little unsurely. “Yes, I think so. It’s a big day today and I’m a bit anxious.”
Her skinny jeans and tee shirt look really nice on her, they cling tightly to her frame, showing off her lovely womanly figure. She rocks her body side to side, showing that she isn’t totally comfortable in her skin yet, but that’ll come. She’s still millions better than she once was.
“Of course, you are.” I roll a box around in my pocket containing her birthday present. I wanted to find the right time to give it to her but now I think I might have left it too late. I can’t do it now in case someone walks in and thinks it’s weird. Instead, I’ll have to just be the asshole that got her nothing. “Moving day, birthday, happy birthday by the way, saying goodbye to here. Crazy!”
Tears fill her eyes but to her credit she remains strong enough to keep them in. “Yeah, I know, I’ve been waiting for this for ages but now that it’s here it feels all mental and odd.”
My body language softens which makes me realize just how tense my shoulders have been up until this point. She needs some advice from me, I need to be the man I’m supposed to be. “I know it does, but you do know that you’ll be fine, don’t you? You do know that you have what it takes.”
I step closer to her with my arms outstretched as if I’m going to embrace her or something, but I think better of it at the last moment and I drop them awkwardly back by my sides again.
“Maybe afterwards,” she says with a sorrowful smile. “It isn’t the right time.”
Luckily, I didn’t hug her because at that moment, other people fill the room. Kids, staff members, even some of the teachers who are only here a few hours a week. They’ve all come to say farewell to Pru without really knowing who she is. Sure, they’ve seen her a lot during the last five years but they haven’t spoken to her and gotten deep into her psyche. Not like me. I know her better than the lot of them. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, it doesn’t make me feel good right now.
Noise fills the room, there’s so much chatter and laughter that my brain aches. It’s all like bees buzzing noisily around me, driving me to distraction, when all I want to do is look at her. I just want to watch Pru, to enjoy these last few minutes with her before she’s stripped from my life completely.
The festivities begin, although admittedly they’re a little meagre. We half-heartedly sing happy birthday, most of us too afraid to upset the ones who had bad stuff happen to them on their birthdays – which to be honest is most of them – then we all say nice things about Pru to see her off. Most people’s comments are a bit inane and don’t really mean anything, but some of the things are really nice. I hope she takes the comments on board and uses them to give her confidence.
“Mr. Banker?” Leah says with a wicked, knowing smile. “What about you?”
“Hmm?” I glare back, annoyed at being disturbed. “What do you mean what about me?”
“What do you have to say to Prudence? You know, as a goodbye message.”
Shit, I got so involved in watching this like a performance I almost forgot that I’m here myself. I can feel my body heating up shamefully, making Leah laugh out loud as if she knows something.
“Oh well, Pru…dence.” I don’t know why, but it feels weird to call her the nickname I give her in front of everyone else. No one else shortens her name I’ve noticed. “It’s going to be a different place without you here. But I, as I’m sure everyone else here does, wish you well in the future. Get out there and kick some ass.” I make a lame, embarrassing fist bump which is awful.
There’s a silence for a few moments while everyone looks at me like I’m a bit mad, but luckily before it can get really awkward, Hank brings out a slice of cake for everyone giving everyone else something else to talk and think about. I take the moment of distraction to race into the bathroom to catch my breath again. I need a moment away from all the madness to collect myself together.
You’re an idiot, I tell myself as I stare at my slightly blurry reflection in the mirror. A fool! Why are you getting so worked up and insane? I have reasoned with myself enough times that this madness I’m going through is all going to end today, I don’t have much longer to hold it together, so why the hell can’t I just do it? Just… be cool. I check my watch. Not long now.
By the time I go back into the room, Pru is already gathering up her things to leave, so no one bothers to even look my way. There’s a stinging sensation in my nose, I feel quite emotional, but for the moment I push that to one side. I can fall apart later if that’s what I need to do.
“Bye, Prudence!” everyone says to her at the door as she starts to walk out towards the car. She looks small and scared, but I’m sure that’ll go once she gets away from here. “See you soon!”
I wish everyone else would vanish so I could share this moment alone with Pru. I want to wrap my arms around her, to freeze the moment so I’ll have something to keep me going, but of course I can’t. I have to hang around at the back of the crowd and just wait very impatiently. This is killing me, since I can’t do what I want to, I need it all just to be over.
As she walks out the door, I take a step right back from everyone and I type out a bit of a desperate email on my phone, giving Pru my cell phone number if she needs it. It’s probably the dumbest thing that I’ve ever done, but it’s gone now. It’s been sent out into cyberspace for her to do with what she wants. Maybe she won’t even see it, who knows…
Right, time to let go completely, I think half-heartedly as I drop my phone back into my pocket. Time to get my life back on track.