Chapter Five – Ben
I race away from the table only because I know it’s my mom on the other end of the phone. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, who I’m partying with, I’ll pretty much always stop them to speak to Mom. She needs me and I need her. All we have are each other in this world.
My dad died when I was just a baby so I don’t remember him at all. He’s always been like a ghost in my life, the man in the photographs and in my mother’s stories. Not someone attainable, but someone’s who’s always been there, affecting me all the same. His impact on me has affected my life from day one and I never got to know him.
Growing up in a single parent family, with a mom who worked every hour God sent just to give us a mediocre life, I knew I wanted more. I never wanted to live the same life as Mom and I wanted to make her existence better too. That’s why I’ve always worked hard, that’s why I obsessed over business and getting my qualification, that’s why I worked myself into the ground. I wanted to make a better life for me and Mom and that’s just what I’ve done.
“Hi, Mom, you okay?” I ask while glancing behind me to see where Serena is. I can’t see her anywhere. The only people still at the table are Kyle and Jenny. Maybe he’s finally done the decent thing and sent Rick home. “I haven’t heard from you in a while. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes,” her tone is warm but I can detect some loneliness there. I make a mental note to myself to make an effort to go and see her at the weekend. She doesn’t live too far away, just outside the city. I should be able to do it more regularly really, sometimes I get too caught up in partying. “I’m okay, thank you. I’ve been out with Vivian from Bridge Club today, we went shopping and for a coffee, so that was nice. Ever since her husband passed away she’s been struggling. I can help with that, you know?”
I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges firmly in my throat. I don’t want to go down this road, not now, but if Mom wants to talk about Dad with me then I’ll let her. She might need that and if it helps her get through the day then so be it. “Yeah. You know what you’re talking about,” I rasp. “So it’s good that Vivian has you.”
“Oh I’m glad to have her too. It’s good to have friends.” She pauses for a moment and I can almost tell where her mind is headed. She has this funny notion that I’m the lonely one, despite the fact that my life is constantly filled to the brim. I’m always doing things, there’s never a dull moment for me. Why would I feel lonely ever? “So, how are things with you? Have you been busy with work?”
“Busy as always.” I puff my chest out proudly. “You know me, always got something on the go.”
“Yes... I know you have. What worries me is that you push yourself too hard. I just think by now you should delegate more and start taking some of your life back.” She only says this because she feels guilty. She doesn’t want to think that it might be her fault I work so hard, even though it really isn’t. I don’t blame her at all, I know that she did her best for us. “Shouldn’t you want to start... dating now?”
“I’ve been dating,” I insist. “You don’t need to worry about me on that front.”
“Well I don’t really mean dating. I mean settling down.” I roll my eyes, it feels like everyone is on my case about that at the moment. “I think it’s time you start finding someone to get serious about, don’t you? You need to find someone and settle down before it’s too late.”
“I don’t know, Mom. I’m not sure that’s what I want.” I might as well be honest with her. “I’m quite happy with the way things are.”
“You only think that because you’re out at the moment. I can hear the music thumping in the background, but what about when you’re at home lying in bed alone. Don’t you think it would be better to have someone?”
I don’t often spend the night alone, and when I do it’s because I’ve passed out, but I don’t think Mom needs to know that much.
“I’m good, Mom. Don’t trouble yourself. I’m doing well.”
“You might want kids one day,” she continues as if she hasn’t heard me. “The last thing you want to do is leave that too late. If you don’t... well then you won’t have anyone to love like I love you.”
I’ve always suspected that Mom wishes she had more kids but no one came along after my father. I’ve never even seen her show any interest in any man. Maybe my dad was just ‘the one’ and after the love she shared with him nothing can compare. It’s sweet, if not very lonely.
“If I ever decide to settle down, Mom, I’ll let you know, but for now...”
“Oh I know. She’ll have to be a really special girl to catch you’re eye, I’m just saying that it might be time to start looking.”
Inadvertently my eyes travel aback over to the table, just to notice that Serena still isn’t there. She must have got called over to another table which I don’t like. I was looking forward to asking her more questions and getting to know her better. I don’t want her taken away from me now.
“Yes, Mom, I know. I’ll think about it.” She doesn’t understand that being twenty eight isn’t a death sentence. She was married by twenty one years old so she doesn’t think that I should still be single. She doesn’t understand that I’m nowhere near ready. It doesn’t matter though, if it ever happens then she’ll realise that I was right to wait until I met the right person. “Anyway, I’ll pop over to see you at the weekend if you like, it’s been too long since I came to see you.”
“Oh yes, that’ll be nice. Come for dinner. It’s been a long time since we had a nice meal together.”
My stomach growls at the idea. “Oh that sounds great, Mom. Your meals are honestly the best. I haven’t eaten anything home cooked for ages.”
“So what do you eat?” I laugh at her horror. “I’m serious, are you having take away every night?”
“No, Mom I eat out too. And I always have my vegetables,” I tease. “You forget I’m a big boy now, I can look after myself.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Just come over tomorrow lunch time, don’t wait until the weekend, and I’ll fatten you up, okay?”
“That sounds lovely.”
Just before I hang up the phone I cradle the phone close to my ear to feel closer to Mom again. I do miss her every day, but I can’t persuade her to move right into the city near me. She wants to keep the house I grew up in, the one she brought with my father. I guess she’s never gotten over his death.
As we say our goodbyes, I wonder again what it would have been like if my father never died. I try not to consider this much, but sometimes when I’m talking to Mom my imagination gets the better of me. He wasn’t ever an ambitious man, he was happy working a middle management job, but maybe if that drunk driver didn’t crash into his car as he drove home from work, we wouldn’t have struggled so much and I wouldn’t have developed my deep need for money. Cash represents a security I haven’t had before adulthood, maybe if I had a father I wouldn’t have become this way.
Then again, if I wasn’t like this I don’t know who I would be. It’s too weird to think about.
Once the call disconnects I pause for a moment, just trying to get myself back together. Mom makes me a little emotional, and emotion spells vulnerability in the business world and that’s the last thing I need added to my bad ass reputation. I’m known as someone quite ruthless and strong, not someone who chokes up after speaking to Mommy.
Right, Ben. I steel myself. Don’t think about that now. Think about seeing Serena again.
That intriguing, beautiful woman is fascinating, I really want to spend more time with her which is something I’ve never really felt before. Even my girlfriend I had when I was younger, Ally, never captivated me that much. She was pretty and fun, but my business always got in the way. I was just starting to get big then, I was on the way up and I didn’t want that momentum to end. She just couldn’t drag me away from it.
I don’t even think about her now, and I haven’t much since we broke up, which just shows how little she affected me. I imagine she’s married now to someone who will worship her in the way she deserves. That could never be me.
But maybe with Serena...
I don’t know why, and I’m certainly not thinking about settling down all of a sudden, but I do want to see her more. I like her face, her smile, her lilting laugh. I like the way she has been opening up to me as well. I can tell that she’s shy and usually quiet, but with me she gave me a bit of sass and that’s something awesome. I would like to see how far I can push her...
Not in a sexual way, I try to convince myself. I’m not that much of a pig... although I can’t help wondering what that pale skin looks like naked, flushed with desire, and with slick perspiration all over her. The image in my mind makes me bite down on my bottom lip in anticipation.
I move back to the table to see Rick back there looking glum. Kyle hasn’t taken his eyes off Jenny for hours, and judging by the bulge at her side he’s been paying her for the privilege.
“Where’s Serena?” I ask Rick. He looks at me blankly as if he has no idea who I’m talking about. “The dark haired shot girl who was here earlier on?”
“Oh, she’s over there.”
He points in the direction of another table and my heart sinks. She’s being pawed at like there’s no tomorrow and all I want to do is rescue her. The only problem is the man at the head of the table is Mr. Ash who has known Mob connections. I really don’t want to get on the wrong side of him and I know the money he spends in here will outshine even mine. I’ll just have to keep an eye on her tonight and intervene if things look like they get too out of hand. From the looks of it she has a bulge at her side too, so she must be getting good tips. Maybe she really doesn’t mind...
“Go home, Rick,” I say rapidly. “Kyle’s gone for the night. He won’t need you again.”
Rick bolts upright, taking my direction quickly. “Thank you,” he rasps. “See you later.”
I turn my chair around, ignoring Kyle completely. I only have one person that I want to keep in my eye line and it sure as hell isn’t him. I need to keep an eye on Serena, while trying to keep my protective inner beast in check. I can’t get in the way unless she absolutely needs me. No one will benefit if I act too soon, it’ll just end in disaster. Least of all Serena.