Chapter Four – Prudence
I wander through the hallway in a bit of a daze all the way back to my bedroom. Well, not my room, the shared dorm room, but all the way to my bed at least. Kids and noise fill the whole place but I don’t really hear any of it because my head is all over the place. How can I think about what others are playing and doing when I have so much else on my mind? Mr. Banker has given me a whole lot to think about, and my mind is soaking it all the way in.
He believes in me, he thinks I can have a good life, he has confidence in me when I don’t have any in myself. His words make me think that he sees me having a great job, at least a few friends, and maybe even a relationship. We didn’t discuss anything to do with romance and love, but I feel like the undertones were there. I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn’t quite get the words out so I hope that Mr. Banker understood where I was getting at. How can I even think about having a boyfriend when I haven’t even had my first kiss? At almost eighteen years old I know it’s a bit tragic, but how can I have any experience in here? It’s a bit like a prison in a way.
Once my body is resting on the sheets below me, I allow my eyes to slide close and I try to envision how I want my perfect life to look. I’ve been doing this a lot recently as I try to get myself used to moving on. I guess that I hope visualization will help me to achieve all my goals.
At first I see myself wandering around in a wonderful apartment that looks over the New York City skyline, the sort of sleek place that I see a lot on TV and in movies. I know that’s unaffordable, I haven’t been left any money to get me started when I leave here like some of the other children, but I’d rather plan for the best because otherwise I’ll freak myself out. I see myself with nice furniture, art hanging on the walls, awesome stuff filling my apartment, things I don’t really need, I just have for the sake of it.
Then I see myself going to work in some standard office where I do some generic job. Maybe I should have better ambitions than that, but I’m not concerned with what I do with my future career. I just want to live well, comfortably, I just want a job that keeps me happy. I do okay in schooling, but not well enough to aim too high. I missed out on too much when I was younger to catch up now. I see myself working with nice girls who want to be my friends, who gossip with me, who actually like me for who I am. I bask in their friendships, enjoying the way they make me feel.
The girls who are my fantasy friends take me out dancing in night clubs. Of course, I don’t really know what any of these really look like, so again that’s only something I can judge from what I’ve seen in the media. There are glamorous, exciting places filled with beautiful men and women who are drinking and having fun. In this part of my day dream, I’m dressed in a skimpy red dress that actually looks amazing on me. It gives me a cleavage that I don’t have in real life, and long legs that don’t have any trouble walking in high heels. I look like a fashion model which is awesome…
I would love that to be my life. I would love to walk out of here and wander into this fantastic life where I have the great job, the awesome friends, the nice home, but I suppose it’s unrealistic. This is why Mr. Banker is right, I need to take his advice and do some serious research into the practical reality of what it’ll be like. If I can arrange some job interviews and apartment viewings then it’ll be a great start. If I can work out where I’m going to need money for bills so I can see how much I’ll have to earn to make it work, then that’s a start. A real move in the right direction.
“Yo, Prudence,” Leah’s course voice calls across the room. “You been with Banker?”
We never talk, not really, she only involves me in her chat if it’s something that she wants to inadvertently discuss with the whole room. I don’t much like her and her brash way of life, but at the same time I’m really jealous of her. She has confidence rolling off her in waves, she’s the sort of person who won’t have any trouble out there in the real world. She’s only fourteen years of age at the moment, so she’s got a while before she can go, but I guess she would do better than me.
“Yeah,” I sigh quietly as I reply. “I’ve just got out from my appointment now.”
“He’s fit, isn’t he?” Of course, I knew there had to be something she wants to bellow out across the room. “Like, smoking hot. There are so many things that I would love to do to him.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and I try to block out her words. I really don’t need reminding of how insecure and inexperienced I am in that area. Leah is one of those who spends her whole life on the tablets and she’s always telling us how she’s broken through the firewalls and found sexual things. She shows pornography to the others, but I never ever want to see it. That’s something I’m just going to have to find out on my own, in my own time, if that moment ever arrives.
“What would you do?” someone yells back, I don’t want to see who. “Go on, Leah.”
“Oh, I would do all sorts of things to his cock, he wouldn’t even know what’s coming…”
I can’t stand it, I don’t want to hear any of it so I turn on my side to attempt to block it out a bit. Why does she have to be so crude when it comes to Mr. Banker? She couldn’t do any of those things anyway, she’s much too young. He probably has real women who want him anyway.
“His name is Logan, anyway,” Leah continues, popping some chewing gum as she speaks. “The fact that I asked him his real name and he told me shows that he wants me.”
Logan… I never thought to ask him what his real name is before. It just didn’t occur to me. Logan Banker. Somehow knowing that sends a powerful shiver up and down my spine.
Once upon a time, Logan Banker was nothing more than an adult who I had to talk to about stuff, but the older I am and the more hormones that kick in, the more I feel a pull towards him. When I’m waiting to see him, I get that familiar anxiety I get around any man, but once I’ve been speaking to him for a while and I can relax a bit, I get butterflies in the pit of my stomach and a strange thrill between my legs. I like him, and I think I like him more than I should do.
I don’t think it’s like Leah’s discussing either, I don’t think my feelings are a deep, sexual thing. I can’t imagine him putting things anywhere like that, I just like him. I want him to wrap his arms around me, I want him to hug me, to kiss me… my feelings are more romantic. I want him to be like my boyfriend, like the men in the romance novels I love so much.
All of a sudden, my fantasy life stretches out in my mind and I start to include Logan Banker in it. He becomes my husband, we both have matching wedding rings on, and he kisses me tenderly. My entire body buzzes with electricity as I think about it, I almost wish that I was alone so I could enjoy this thought in peace. I don’t know what I’d do with it, but I don’t like Leah’s brash tones in the background. She’s interrupting what should be a really nice thought.
Urgh, if only I could be with Mr. Banker, how much easier would that be? I know him well, he’s nice to me, I actually feel comfortable around him, and I’m attracted to him too. It’d be perfect. If only he wasn’t my therapist and I met him in a different way. Maybe I’m a bit too young for him, but I’m sure I could make him fall for me anyway… or not, since I’m a girl who no one wants.
“So, what about you?” Leah calls so loudly, I’m sure it has to be at me. “You’ve got the best shot with Logey boy, after me of course, so what would you do to him, Prudence?”
I huff before I turn back. I’ve tried ignoring Leah before and it never turns out well. She seems to take silence as a challenge that she has to break in whatever way she can. She’s relentless, I’m sure her behavior isn’t normal, but then again, I suppose none of us act in the right way. We just don’t know how. I don’t know what happened in Leah’s life, but if it’s anything like mine then I get it.
“What do you mean, Leah?” I ask her, playing dumb. “The best chance at what?”
“Well, Mr. Banker likes you, doesn’t he?” She offers me a one shouldered shrug as if her words are obvious. “If he was going to pick any of us for you know what, it’d be me or you, right?”
Urgh, she’s exhausting. I almost want to roll my eyes dramatically at her but I know that’ll just spark more questions than answers. “Mr. Banker isn’t going to pick me or you. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Leah laughs nastily at me. “Oh, my God, perfect Prudence. How can you be so dull? Maybe he wouldn’t, but it’s fun to think about that, right? Unless you’re too much of a prude.”
This time everyone laughs at me because of Leah’s stupid joke. Yes. Prudence the prude, so very funny. It’s way worse because it’s probably the truth. Maybe I am a prude because I’m so closed off.
“I don’t think about it with him because it’s stupid.” I swing my legs off the bed ready to make my escape. This is why privacy will be amazing. I haven’t had it for such a long time. “It’s never going to happen so what’s the point of thinking about it?”
“I don’t know, because it’s fun?” Leah sneers as her eyes run up and down my body looking unimpressed. “God, you suck. How the fuck are you going to cope when you’re out there in the real world? How will you survive when some guy wants to have sex with you… if that ever happens?”
I don’t bother to answer Leah, instead I race from the room into the bathroom where I can at least lock myself away for a while. Tears sting my eyes, I can feel them about to fall down my cheeks, but I hold them back until I’m fully by myself,
I’m going to have to get stronger some way or another if I’m going to survive out there. Emotionally, physically, in every way possible. The world could be full of bitches like Leah, I need to work out how I’m going to deal with all of it.
This is going to take so much more than looking up things online, and I only have a few more weeks to do this. Where the hell am I going to start?