Chapter Seventeen – Logan
Pru’s expression turns to one of absolute horror. She reverts from the stronger, more confident woman that she’s slowly becoming to the scared young lady who doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself. I knew that her last apartment scared her, but this is something new, something else. This is an unbridled fear that seems to come from absolutely nowhere.
“I’ll make sure it isn’t in a bad neighborhood,” I reassure her. “And I’ll help you out again, there isn’t anything that you need to worry about. I will look after you, I promise. Honestly, Pru, you must know by now that I’m not going to just toss you out there to deal with this on your own.”
Pru clutches the empty mug between her fingers, staring up at me desperately. “Logan, I can’t.” She shakes her head rapidly. “I can’t do that, I don’t want to move out.”
I narrow my eyes and try to work out what the hell is going on with her. When the fear completely floods her face, I close the laptop and bite down on my bottom lip. “Pru, what’s going on here? What are you trying to say? I’m doing my best to help you out but I can’t if I don’t know what you want to do. You can either go back to your apartment and try again, get a new one, or go back to the center and it seems to me that the last thing you want to do is go back.”
“No, I definitely don’t want to go back… to the center or my apartment.”
“Okay, so then we’ll have to look for something new. You have to live somewhere.”
“Can’t I stay here?” she asks in a small tone of voice. “I like it here, I feel safe. I like being here with you, Logan, it’s the only time out in the city that I’m not scared.”
A weird hollow feeling crushes my chest. After the kiss that we shared last night, one that definitely shouldn’t have happened, we cannot stay in the same house together. It’s a recipe for disaster. It was bad enough anyway, but now it’s utterly terrifying. I want to keep her here, of course I do, I would love nothing more than to watch over her all the time, but I have already proven to myself that I can’t do it. If I had the strength to stop myself from kissing her back then maybe I would be able to agree now, but I didn’t so now I can’t. I hate myself for it, but what choice do I have left? I’m going to have to disappoint her now so that we can both be free later on.
“You know that you can’t, Pru,” I say with a shake of my head. “It isn’t appropriate.”
“I’m not asking to stay forever.” She’s almost begging me now, she’s so desperate for me to agree that it’s hard to resist. “Just for a little while so I can get on my feet. Just while I… I start my new job and work out more about the city. I’ve been locked away for so long, I just need… I need some time. I need to get adjusted, this is all so… so new to me. Once I get used to it, I’ll be fine.”
Her desperation tugs at my heart strings, it churns up all my emotions and leaves me stuck and confused. I don’t know what to think now, it’s all so messy. I don’t want to turn her away and make her life spiral, but I can’t do this. It isn’t right. Even if there wasn’t all this underlying weirdness there, it still isn’t right. I need to keep a professional distance at all times.
“I understand that, Pru, but you must see why this is a tough situation for me.”
“I know, I know.” Tears ball up in the corner of her eyes and I feel dreadful. “I know that I’m asking you to do too much for me, and that I shouldn’t but I’m scared. I’m trying so hard to step out into this bravely, but it isn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought it was going to be.”
I turn away from Pru, knowing that if I keep staring at her I’ll crack, but still her face imprints in my mind. I can see the intense sadness, the horror, the hurt that she’s experiencing, it’s written all over her face like the pages of a tragic book. I promised to be the person to make this easier for her, and now I’m ripping the rug out from underneath her feet just as I put it there. I know that I should for myself, but it isn’t as simple as that. I mean, how truly important is my job if I can’t follow it right through to the very end? What sort of man does that make me?
“It would only be until I get settled, I promise you that,” she says with a quiet voice. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you. I know you’ve already done so much for me.”
I sigh loudly, breathing out my nose with frustration. There’s a piece of my heart that’s cracking and shattering into millions of shards. My head and heart wrestles and I let them duke it out for a while. I need to make the smart choice, not just the emotional one because I have an unhealthy attachment to Pru. But despite all my protests, my heart eventually wins me around.
“Pru, if I let you stay here we have to… we must keep our distance from one another, do you understand that?” I cling onto the side to hold myself up. “We have to behave.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, in a much too innocent voice. “Behave?”
“I mean we can’t do anything like last night,” I continue through gritted teeth. “We can’t act like that around one another. It isn’t right, it isn’t proper. You must understand that.”
Pru doesn’t answer me and a thick silence clings to the air. I don’t turn around at first because I don’t want to see the expression on her face. I’m hurting her, probably breaking her heart, but it’s for the best. At least if she’s here I can oversee everything and make sure that she doesn’t do anything crazy in the long haul to get over me. And she will get over me in the end. It might take her longer if she stays here, but it’ll be fine in the end. She’s much stronger than she knows.
“Pru?” I ask, while tilting me head slightly. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Still she says nothing, so I’m forced to turn back to see her. She hops from foot to foot, something that I’ve noticed she does when she gets nervous. My arms instinctively reach out to wrap around her, but I stop them at the last minute and I allow them to fall by my sides. That’s just the sort of shit that I was talking about, the stuff I really cannot do with Pru. I just need to keep away.
“I do understand what you’re saying,” she says with a sorrowful voice. “And I know that you’re right. Last night was… it was my fault. I never should have… well, you know. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was. For letting me stay here and stuff. It didn’t mean… anything.” She’s lying, we both know that. “I won’t step out of line again. I just want to be somewhere I feel safe.”
I can’t turn her down, I’ve never been very good at letting Pru down and it seems that this is the same right now. Even when absolutely everything is on the line I can’t say no.
“And another thing, you cannot let anyone know that you’re here, do you understand? I can’t risk losing out on my job because I’ve allowed you to stay here. Your official address will be your apartment, okay?” I know I’m being firm, but that feels necessary to me right now.
“Of course, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” She delights in sharing a secret with me, but I try to ignore that. I also have to ignore the way it makes me feel inside too. “I’ll be good, I promise you and I’ll be out before you can ever get into any trouble. Thank you, Logan.”
She takes a step closer to me which instantly makes me bolt up. The chasm of distance between us needs to be even bigger than ever. “I have to go to work,” I remind her. “But you don’t start today, do you?” She shakes her head rapidly. “Okay, well you stay here today. Just keep out of view, okay? And I’ll try my hardest not to be late back.” I cock my head curiously at her. “Will you be okay? You can take a shower, watch TV, read any books I have, or use the laptop. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and there are drinks, so I’m sure there’s nothing you need to go out for…”
“I’ll be fine,” she reassures me. “Thank you, Logan. In fact, I’m going to take a shower right now. You… you have a good day at work and I’ll see you later on when you get home.”
I watch her skip from the room, all lightness now. She shimmies into my bathroom and I hear the water switch on. The idea that she’s about to strip down and step into my shower has my mouth salivating desperately. There’s a deep dark part of myself that wants to forget everything that I just said and to leap in the shower with her, to get that satisfaction that I’m so desperately craving, but I don’t. I force my feet to remain exactly where they are until it’s time for me to walk in the other direction, towards the door. I have to get to work, there isn’t any other option.
By the time I get into my car, the panting breaths are desperately falling out of my mouth. The danger of this damn crazy situation hits me even harder and I feel like I might actually fall apart. I bang my hands angrily against the steering wheel, hating myself for being so weak. Now I have to do the impossible. I have to go into work and act like all is okay. I have to pretend to all my colleagues that I don’t have Pru damn well living in my house like she’s my girlfriend or something.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not close to any of them, they would be able to see through me.
“Idiot,” I mutter to myself as I put my car into gear. “Idiot, idiot, idiot.”
I don’t think I’ve been played, I’m sure Pru’s emotions were genuine, but only time will tell how true that is. I’ll just have to give her enough time to settle into her job then I’ll bring up her apartment again. Maybe the idea of her living in the apartment in this building isn’t such a bad idea after all. That way she’ll feel safe, I can still watch her, and we’ll have the separation that we both so clearly need. We’ll have walls between us, making it impossible for us to kiss and anything more.
I whiz along the roads, probably much too quickly because I’m barely thinking straight and I head straight towards the office, feeling like I’m headed into doom. To my death, even.
No one knows, there’s no way anyone will be able to already tell what I’ve done, but I feel exposed and vulnerable, like my heart is pounding on my sleeve.
Just get today out of the way, I reassure myself. After that it’ll get easier, and like Pru said it won’t be for long.