Chapter Fourteen – Prudence
This isn’t how I thought it was going to be, I think sadly as I curl my knees up around my chest., trying to make myself as small as possible. I should have come earlier I don’t know why I waited.
I liked the idea of spending my last day surrounded by the people I’ve grown up with through the last five years, I guess I got a little nostalgic towards the end. I also didn’t want to spend my birthday alone. I thought it’d be better to just get to my new life started by getting to sleep and starting fresh in the morning… but that’s before I got here and realized how terrifying it is to be by myself in this apartment at night time. In the day, with Logan and the realtor by my side, it didn’t seem so bad, but now it’s horrible. It’s freaky, there are sirens running by the place all the time, I can hear the couple in the apartment next door arguing really loudly, and bangs all the time.
It’s terrifying, I’m definitely not ready for this. I want to leave so damn badly it hurts.
I keep rubbing my thumb over my hand where I’ve written Logan’s cell phone number. I spent a little bit of time in an Internet café earlier and I got his email, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. Right now, I’m doing everything that I can to stop myself from calling him because I want to be an adult. I don’t want to be a scared little child who cannot cope alone. But I want him. I hate this and I want to have him by my side. I’m never going to be able to get any sleep.
Stop it, I scold myself while pushing myself up into a standing position and pacing up and down the room. This is madness. I can do this, of course it’s scary on the first night but that doesn’t mean that I should just give up. This is my chance to be brave and strong, to prove myself.
I wander over to the tiny window I have which looks down onto someone’s bins below. It isn’t the sweeping view of the city sky line that you see in movies, but it’s mine. I can appreciate what I have. At least now I have my own bedroom and my own view, I’m not stuck in a room with Leah being utterly obnoxious, and the other kids snoring loudly. It’s not silence, but it’s quieter.
I move back over to the sofa bed and attempt to lie back down again. I’m not giving myself much hope of drifting off because I’m in my clothes. I don’t think I’m ready to change it my pajamas until I’m one hundred percent that I won’t have to get up and run at a moment’s notice.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying to block out the whole world. I try to think of the nicest things to clear my brain of all the negativity, but it quickly becomes clear that it’s pointless. The noises in the center were always safe sounds. Annoying maybe, but never dangerous. The sounds here are absolutely terrifying. They remind me of things that I would much rather forget.
“Stop!” comes a hideous shriek from the apartment next door. “No, please stop.”
I bolt upright in bed and dart my eyes side to side. My heart races, pumping boiling hot blood all round my body. I recognize those screams well, they’re sheer terror which means anything could be going on there. My mind skips back many years ago and I remember myself, when I was the one who was screaming and begging my father to stop. He would whip me and smack me about for the silliest of things, making me hate and blame myself along the way. It could be for making a mess, or even because he thought someone was talking badly about him in the pub… I got so used to walking on egg shells my entire life and even that wasn’t enough. He was still angry all the time.
As I recall being the girl weeping in the corner of the room while blow after blow rained down on me. I remember feeling helpless and terrified, but also knowing that I couldn’t ever tell anyone what was happening to me. As the smacks ran over my body I was always planning how to cover them up to make sure that no one noticed. I was only concerned with protecting him, even though my father didn’t seem to have much concern with protecting me. He hurt me, the opposite.
I guess that’s something I’ll never get any answers to now. Now he’s gone I’ll never get to find out why Dad couldn’t stand me, what made him flip like he did, and whether or not he feels bad about it. I can draw some conclusions on my own, but that will never be definitive answers from his mouth. I’ll never fully get closure and while I can keep moving forwards, I’ll never be able to move on. Not totally. There will always be a part of me that’s stuck.
Now, listening to this argument getting worse and worse by the second, I can barely stand it.
I squeeze my hands over my ears, trying to block out the sound and as I do the tears begin to fall. They stream down my face, wetting my cheeks, making me feel awful. The memories of my father, the sounds all around me, the acute, horrific loneliness, it’s all too much for me…
I jump out of bed and race across the apartment until I get to the front door. There’s an intense panic in my chest now, a fear that if I don’t escape my heart might explode, killing me dead. It doesn’t matter how hard I pant I can’t get anywhere near enough air sucked back into my lungs. I’m in a real state now and there’s only one thing that I know for sure will calm me down. No longer am I worried about looking like a child, I just need help. I just need him, and the safe feeling he gives.
I saw a pay phone at the end of the street when I first moved in earlier today and I took note of it because I don’t have a cell phone, and now I’m glad. Although as I run down the road in the middle of a panic attack it feels much too far away. As soon as I have any spare money, I’m going to get my own phone. I won’t even need a good one, just one that I can make calls from to save this.
Once I’m inside the booth, I grab the change from my pocket with trembling hands. Fear has my eyes so blurry that I can barely see anything, but I just about manage to shove some coins in. As I dial, I hope I’m getting the number right because I know I’m in a mess. All I can think about is Logan and his warm face, his loving eyes, the protection that his stature gives me…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring,... Ring, ring…
I hop up and down while I wait for him to answer. I feel impatient, needy, stressed. I know that Logan gave me his number ‘for emergencies’ but I wonder if he expected me to use it. I’m sure not this soon, but what else can I do? I don’t have anyone else in the world.
“Hello?” he sounds a little gruff, maybe tired. I hope I haven’t woken him up.
“H… hi,” I stammer, a thick ball of emotion balling up in my throat making it hard to talk. I’m more worked up than ever now. “Sorry, L… Logan, it’s Pru, I… I don’t know…”
“Pru?” He sounds very confused but more alert now. I still feel really bad for waking him up but I’m just so relieved to have a friendly voice. “What’s the matter? Has something happened?”
“The couple next door, they were arguing, and I think it got violent I don’t know. Maybe I should be calling the cops not you, I don’t know I’m a mess. Then there are all the sirens and the banging. I keep thinking it might be gun shots…” I’m blabbing, but I can’t stop.
“Pru, Pru, stop,” Logan’s words are the only thing to prevent me from freaking out. “What’s going on? I can’t understand you. Is everything alright? Is it the apartment?”
“Yes.” That’s the simplest answer. “I don’t like it at all. I’m scared, Logan, please…”
He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, which leaves me drowning in self-doubt. This is the worst night of my life, but if Logan rejects me then it’ll crush me to the ground. I don’t know if that’s something that I’ll ever be able to recover from. I’ll never be able to adult again.
“Okay, Pru, just get back inside for now and lock the doors. I’ll be there very soon.”
The idea of going back into my home where I might be able to hear the couple arguing and God knows what else isn’t exactly appealing, but at the same time the knowledge that Logan is coming for me makes it all a little easier to handle. “Yeah okay, sure I’ll wait there. Thank you, Logan.”
Eventually I hang up the phone and I breathe a little easier. He’s coming, I’m no longer by myself. That makes me feel so much more relaxed. I think that was the main issue, the idea of spending all those hours completely alone. I wasn’t quite as ready for it as I thought I would be.
It’s going to be fine, I tell myself as I step rhythmically as I walk back home. It won’t take him long. Logan knows how scared I am, he’ll floor it to get here on time.
My pulse rate slows and my breaths return to a more than normal speed. I don’t get a surge of confidence or anything that I really need, but I’m not in a full state of panic anymore.
Still, I walk up the stairs slowly, not wanting to spend any time than necessary in that place. It’s lucky that all my stuff is still packed up because I won’t have to worry about sorting some clothes out. I can just grab a backpack and know that it has most of my stuff in.
I slide the key into the lock slowly and carefully, taking my time as I do. Then I push the door open and I pop my head inside. I listen intently, checking out for noise…
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A deep ringing silence that’s almost even scarier.
Okay, so it looks like the arguing has stopped, which is a good thing. I step inside with a deep breath and I circle around and around, just waiting. My heart and stomach can’t relax though, I’m still not totally convinced that the yelling is done. In my experience it never is…
What the hell is that? My ears prick up, I hear sounds at last. Is that them?
All of a sudden, I hear something from that side of the apartment. Banging and groaning. It sounds bad now, even worse than before. I race to the wall and press my ear up against it to hear deeper. This time if I hear anything that scares me I’ll race out and call the cops, no doubt about it. No one ever called the police for me, so I want to extend that courtesy for someone else.
It doesn’t get any louder, so I don’t know what to do. I need something conclusive before I can make that call. Making a call to the cops unnecessarily will only cause me drama with the neighbors that I don’t need. The last thing I need is enemies.
Bang, bang, bang!