I am exhausted. Between fending off Dragon’s increasingly sexual advances the last several weeks and being here at the hospital twenty-four seven, I’m drained. The bright spot of everything is that Dom is being moved to a regular crib tonight. If he manages to stay warm and do okay in it for a couple of nights, I get to bring him home. He’s grown so much, but he’s still smaller than any baby I’ve seen. Last night a baby died that had been in the incubator beside Dom. My heart broke for Sarah—the mom. She was a single parent and had zero support. I gave her my number, I’m hoping she’ll stay in touch, but I’m afraid seeing Dom may be too much for her.

Dom is doing so good now. I get to hold him and feed him. I breastfeed before I go home, and we use my milk in bottles during visiting hours. I don’t like using the bottles, so I’ve thought about breastfeeding all the time, but Skull, and even that guy Diesel, is still around and they pop in all the time. I’m pretty sure Dragon would kill both of them if they walked in while I was breastfeeding. Especially, since I haven’t even let Dom feed in front of him.

It’s weird; I’m nervous around Dragon now. I don’t know how to act sometimes. I love him. I want to fix what is between us, but I’m afraid, terrified actually. He promises I don’t have to worry about him ever doing something like this to me again. He tells me he’s sorry, but I don’t think he gets how deeply he wounded me. In the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking he will keep something else from me. Or worse, he’ll just make a decision, do it and not tell me, and leave me and Dom alone, on our own. My brain is a jumble of emotions when it comes to Dragon, and I can’t trust myself around him. Ever since the doctor cleared me for sex, I have been pushing him away. I crave him, and if I don’t keep him at a distance? I’m going to give in. It’s a miracle I haven’t already. I watch as he leans down and kisses Dom’s head. It’s a beautiful picture. This strong badass biker covered in tats and wearing a leather cut, bending down and being so delicate with his son. I wish I had a photo of it; Dom needs to see that. I vow to take a picture of it soon, so I can put it up in Dom’s nursery, whenever I move out of Dance and Carrie’s house. I should have already been looking for a place, but there just never seems to be enough time. Plus, every time I mention it, Dragon goes a little crazy. He doesn’t understand why I won’t come home. I’m not even sure I understand. I do know the reasons are all summed up in one word. Fear.

“You ready to go, Mama?”

“Go?” I ask, because I drove here. I’m not sure what he’s got up his sleeve now, but again the word fear comes to mind.

“I thought we could go look at cribs for Dom and fix his room up at the club.”

Oh boy.

“Uhh…Dragon I’m bringing him home with me….to Dancer and Carrie’s.”

Dragon’s face goes solid, like I’m watching and it turns to stone—granite even. You can just see this mask of hardness come over him.

“Let’s go. We’ll talk in the car.”

“Dragon, I drove here.”

He walks to me, pulling me from the chair I’m sitting in, so I am standing in front of him. He leans in and whispers into my ear, and I get chills. These, however, have nothing to do with sexual awareness. He’s mad—really mad.

“I’m not fighting in front of my child. Dom will not hear his parents going at each other. But, listen to me, Mama, and listen well. We will have this out. We will be talking about this, and there is no motherfucking way my son is going to another man’s house when he leaves here. Now, get your shit, and let’s get out of here.”

I get my stuff, and think I might be in shock, because I should be ready to cut his balls off, but instead, I’m aroused as hell. It has to be hormones still running amuck. Surely, that’s it? I mean, I haven’t had sex in like over three months, hell maybe four, the time is starting to blur. I follow Dragon down to the parking garage. I say follow, because there’s no way I can keep up with this stomping-mad, long-legged, jackass. I’m about out of breath just trying.

When we get down there, I start to go to my car, and Dragon grabs my arm, steering me to his instead.

“Dragon, you can’t just tell me what to do!” I gasp, but he has the passenger door open, and is lifting me up, and sitting me in the seat, before I can even blink. He reaches around, buckles me in, and I sputter, trying to form coherent words when he slams the door—in my face.

He climbs in on his side, starts up the car, and heads out on the main road.

“Dragon! I can’t just leave my car there! Besides, I have things to do to make sure Dom’s room is ready.”

He doesn’t answer, instead he reaches for his phone.

“Yo, Bull? Can you have one of the boys pick up Nicole’s car at the hospital? Yeah man. We’ll vote on it at Friday’s church. Later.”

“What did you do?”

Silence.

“Damn it, Dragon! You answer me right now or I’ll…”

“Shut it, Mama.”

“Shut…listen, I’ve had enough. You can’t just…”

He swerves the car, pulling over to the side of the road, and slams it into park. It comes to a stop with a groan, and he cuts the engine.

“You want to have this out here, Mama? Fine, we’ll have it out here. How about the fact that I’ve let you lead me around by my dick long enough, and you are going to get this fucking knot out of your ass once and for all!”

I look at him like he’s insane, because I think he is. I unlatch my seat belt then open the door and jump out. Screw this, I’ll walk home.

I don’t get but just a few steps before he’s pulling me back to him. I try to fight him, to break free, but it’s impossible.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he barks.

“Walking home!”

“Fuck, woman, you haven’t been home in months!”

I stop fighting him and go still. He doesn’t let me go, but his hold loosens.

“You took that from me.”

He lets go and turns me around to face him. It’s dark, and I can barely make out his face. A car goes by, and its headlights highlight his features, briefly. I can see nothing but the confusion etched there.

“Nicole…”

“You took it all. You took safety. You took my heart and crushed it. You took happiness. You took my fucking air, Dragon. You cut my chest open, yanked my heart out, and threw it on the ground. All I could do was stand there…looking at it and bleed. Alone! You did that. Now…you think I can just put that away and everything will be fine? Gee. Wow, look here, I’m not dead! Just kidding! I had to do it honey, I had to do what was best for you, and the club! It’s all better now. You know what Dragon? Fuck you!”

I’ve lost it. Tears are pouring down my face, and it pisses me off even more because I don’t want to cry more over this man. I’ve cried fucking rivers, and he thinks I’ve just got a knot in my ass?

“What the fuck did you expect me to do, Nicole? The bastard had me by the balls. He was taking pot-shots at us. I just lost a man. A man I liked. A man I respected. My woman left me standing at the fucking altar with a fucking monkey suit on. My best friend had flown the coop. I had to make a quick decision. I had to take control, and be the fucking man I was before you. The fucking man I still am, Nicole. I had to go on the attack, or he was going to hurt you, hurt our baby. I didn’t have much of a fucking choice. I did what I’m trained to do, damn it. I went to war. Hit him, when he didn’t think I could.”

“You left me alone, Dragon. You took…you took my world,” I whisper, broken.