Two months I’ve been home. Two months that Zander and I have been hiding whatever we are. Two months that have flown by and even I will admit that it’s good. That being with Zander is good. He’s getting frustrated with me. He’s tired of keeping us a secret. He’s right. I totally agree with him, it’s just anytime I get close to confessing to Nicole that I’m seeing Zander, I chicken out. What if by bringing it out into the open I jinx it? What if that’s the very thing that ends it? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t think I’ll survive losing him. It scares the hell out of me to admit that because no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise, the devil will come calling.

The club has been changing since I came back. There was this darkness over it since Irish’s betrayal. It affected every member in some form or another. I know it’s hurt Zander. He doesn’t talk about it, but he’s having nightmares. He won’t even tell me what the nightmares are about, but on the nights he stays at the house, he rarely sleeps more than a couple of hours. Since I have my own nightmares, I completely understand.

Then there are nights like tonight. I try to avoid nights like tonight. I couldn’t this time. The club is celebrating Carrot Top’s birthday. Carrie is the girl Nicole said the club was protecting because of Dancer. Don’t get me wrong, I like her. She’s sweet, if not a little too innocent. That’s not the reason I have issues with her. No, I have issues because she gravitates towards Zander. At first it didn’t bother me, but then she started calling him Alexander and he lets her…

She’s everything he should have. Sweet, innocent, untouched by the darkness that’s in this world. Someone that could love him wholly and freely. She’s everything I’ve never been. She’s everything I’ve never had the chance to be. She’s sitting with my man, Bull, Freak, Nikki, Nicole, and Dragon and they’re laughing. They’re happy. She’s accepted. She hasn’t fucked up. They don’t resent her. They look out for her, they care about her…they gave her a sweet nickname, and not because they think she doesn’t have a heart…Yeah, I really should have avoided tonight.

“What’s up Ice? You want to dance?” I look up to find Gun standing by the bar. I shake my head. The man gets an A for effort.

“I thought we agreed you should give up trying?” I ask turning my attention back to my rum and coke, which these days has a lot more coke and very little rum—of course if tonight keeps going this way, that might change.

“Nah, eventually I figure you’ll give in,” he says sitting down.

“Have a seat,” I say sarcastically, but not really being a bitch. Truth is, I like Gun. If he’d quit trying to get in my pants, I’d probably talk to him more than anyone.

“Thank you, don’t mind if I do.”

“Why aren’t you over there eating cake and doing birthday shit?” I ask, talking about the big table Zander and the others are sitting and laughing at. I don’t turn around to see it, because it kind of…hurts.

“Not my scene,” he says taking a pull off a beer that Six puts down for him.

“What is your scene?” I ask not really interested, but Zander’s laughter rings out and it hits my stomach and pains me. I made this situation, and I’m jealous. God, I am so screwed up.

“You got nothing to worry about you know,” he says instead of answering my question.

“What are you talking about?”

“Crush, he’s all tied up over you babe, you got nothing to worry about.”

“I think you should probably quit after that drink, Gun. You’re not making a bit of sense.”

“He’s worried about Red, he thinks of her like a little sister. She’s a lot like Melly, and he’s worried because Dance comes back next week.”

His words hit me in the face. Melly? My first instinct is to ask him all about this Melly, but I can’t. That would give away more than it should.

“I figured Dance coming back would be good? I thought Nic said him and Carrie were family.”

“She made a bad decision, and Dance got in the crossfire because of it. It’s the reason he’s been in the can for the last two years.”

It seems me and Carrot Top have more in common than I imagined. I thought I was the sole heir to the throne of bad decisions. Guess I have some work to do to keep the title. So, fuck it, let’s add one more into the list.

“So, who’s Melly?” I ask, my vision filled with the drink I’ve barely touched.

Gun laughs, and pulls my attention to him. He’s holding out his hand.

“C’mon Ice, if you want that story, I get something out of it. Dance with me.”

“I don’t dance,” I grumble, but let him pull me off the barstool.

“Sure you don’t, I guess Pussy’s just hired you because of your sweet disposition.”

“I never realized you were such a sarcastic ass, Gun. Besides, in case you haven’t noticed, Pussy’s hasn’t let me dance since I got out of the hospital—all I seem good enough for these days is waiting tables.”

“Yeah well, you didn’t think Crush was going to let his woman dance for other men, did you?”

“Motherfucker! I knew it.” Gun laughs as we reach the dance floor, which is really just a corner of the club that’s covered in old, scratched parquet flooring. The rest of the boy’s club has concrete floors. He pulls me in way too close, and when I try to put space between us, he pokes me in the ribs, causing me to yell out. “What was that for?”

“Loosen up Ice, I know when I’m out of the running.”

“Yeah well, I heard all too well what you wanted to be in the running for,” I grumble as we start slow dancing to a song I can’t even place, and could care less about.

“Hey, I’m a man and you’re a hot piece of ass,” he responds.

“You’re such a sweet talker Gun. Really, with lines like that I’m surprised there isn’t a gang of women behind you, just waiting for their turn,” I tell him, rolling my eyes.

His hand moves down to my ass and he squeezes.

“If you want to keep your hand, how about you move it up to my back?” I warn him. He laughs, but does as I ask. When he makes no move to talk, I sigh—loudly. “Hello? Melly?”

He laughs, and I know right then he was waiting for me to push it. Asshole.

“Melly is a girl Crush grew up with. He was in love with her. Young love, you know?”

“As in you never forget your first,” I say, while inside my heart feels like it’s in a vice grip. Fuck. “Yeah, I’m familiar.”

“Who knows, they were both kids though. Crush tried to save her and couldn’t. He blames himself.”

“How did she die?”

“Her own father shot her and then turned the gun on himself. Crush was the first to find her,” Gun says with distaste, and who could blame him? Even as jealousy hits me, my heart breaks for this unknown girl.

“He told you all of this?” I ask him, not even noticing we’re now dancing on our second song.

“He had nightmares about her in the service, broke down and told me and Freak about it one night while he was drunk, some ghosts don’t let go.”

Fuck, don’t I know that better than anyone?

“Why are you telling me?”

“Because, you can be a hard bitch, but I see that same haunted look in you. Just thought it’d be good if you knew Crush gets it.”

Jesus, men are clueless. He doesn’t even realize he’s ripped me to shreds. I look at my hand, the way it lightly trembles on his shoulder, and know I need to get out of here and soon. I’ve not had an attack since Zander came and got me, but I can feel this one coming, and it’s going to be bad.

“Can you take me home?” I ask, because I know I can’t drive. There’s just no way.

“I can get Crush to…”

“No!” I yell before I can stop myself. “I mean I don’t want to bother him, I just…I really need to get out of here.”

“Sure, Ice. Come on.” He takes my hand and leads me off the dance floor.

I follow him like a robot. I feel like I’ve taken a knife to the gut, and since that’s happened before, I’m all too familiar with the feeling. Trouble is, this one hurts more than the real knife ever did. As we leave the club, I don’t look at the table Zander is sitting at. I don’t look at anything but the back of Gun’s cut, stumbling behind him, and wondering if I will survive. The nightmares Zander’s been having? Were they really about this Melly? Does he see the same darkness that Gunner sees? Is he trying to save me because he couldn’t save Melly? The woman he loved, the first woman he loved? Heat surges through me, heating my face. I feel like such a fool. I knew it was too good to be true that someone like Zander could want to be with me, for me—love me for me…

When we get back to the house, Gun insists on going inside and making sure everything is okay. After he inspects every room he comes back down. I’ve already downed some meds. I’m sitting on the couch and trying desperately not to cry until he leaves. I don’t know why the possibility that Zander is only with me to try and fix what he couldn’t with someone else hurts… so deeply. I know I’m probably not even acting logical. Then again, I’ve never been logical. All I know right now is my world is upside down, because with Zander, I wanted one thing. I wanted a piece of something good. Something that was all mine. Something that had nothing to do with anything or anyone else, just me.

I’m so broken and lost in my own misery that I don’t even realize I’m already crying, until Gun comes and sits beside me, pulling me into his arms. The echoes of my cries can be heard in the quiet room. Gun says nothing, he just holds me. Turns out that’s exactly what I needed because I just let it all out. I cry for everything I’ve lost over the years, everything that’s been done. I cry for everything I want, and everything I’ll never have. I cry for me. I grieve for me, and then, when I’ve finished, I cry for one other person. I cry for Melly, for a girl who should have had everything wonderful in the world including the best man I’ve ever known in my life. The girl whose life was stolen from her by a bastard just like Michael. I hope they get to meet each other in hell someday.