I’m lying in the bed feeling as if I’m floating. At first I figure I’m dead. I can almost feel relief. Slowly I start recognizing the voices, Dragon and Nicole talking. Their voices are low, but I can hear them. Maybe this is my hell? Listening to two people obviously in love talk about their poor pathetic friend like he’s not around?

“I need you,” I hear Dragon say in a tone I have never heard from my brother.

“You’ll always have me,” She whispers back.

What would that be like to know that the woman you wanted would be there beside you no matter what? Carrie would have given that to me. I know it. I’ve always known it. She’s young and she’s been protected from the world, but she’s strong and she never waivers in supporting those she cares about. She would have given me exactly what Nicole is giving Dragon and probably more. She still would. At least I think she would try. What would she do though? How would she feel if she knew the man she loves, the man who she thinks can protect her from the world was so weak, is so fucking pitiful that he couldn’t even protect himself?

The thought of Carrie finding out about the attack, of finding out what I was too weak to prevent fills me with dread. How can she love someone like that? Someone like me?

“Red, I told you…”

I try to open my eyes, but can’t. I manage to open them just enough to see blurry images, but that effort takes too much. I hear Dragon’s words but it’s Carrie’s scent that slams into me. It reaches me even over the antiseptic smell of the hospital room. It is the scent of sweet flowers and summer. It is Carrie. I take it in. I’ve dreamed of that scent for so long. It calms me, it tortures me, and it haunts me.

“I thought I gave an order,” Dragon says again.

“I ignored them. How is Jacob?” Carrie asks and then I feel her fingers wrap around my hand. I feel a little less cold hearing her voice and having her touch.

She’s here after I hurt her. She’s here holding my hand and worried about me, despite everything.

“Doctor says he’s doing fine, he just hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”

“What happened?” Carrie asks and my heart stops. I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to have proof of how weak I am. I need her to see me as she always has.

“Car accident,” Dragon answers. My brother has my back, even after everything.

“It happened down by the dam? I know I’m new, but there’s not usually a lot of traffic by a dam this late at night. Was there another party involved? Was there other people hurt?” She questions and I can feel her smoothing out the covers over my chest. I want her to let it go, to stop the questioning. I don’t want her to know. I need her to remain clueless. I can’t see the disappointment in her face, or worse the disgust if she knows the whole story.

“I’m going to get some coffee,” Bull speaks up. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I’m glad he’s leaving. I want him as far away from Carrie as he can get. That’s just further proof that I’m a bastard, and that she deserves better.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Carrie, all due respect, but Dance wouldn’t want you here and he wouldn’t appreciate you knowing his business. Let me take you home.”

Fuck. I can’t hear this shit. I did this. I put my brother in this position. Worse I’m responsible for others hurting Carrie now.

“I’m not leaving.”

“I have to think of my brother…and this may hurt you Carrie, but you have to know the minute he wakes he’s going to tell you to leave.”

“Then when he wakes up and tells me to leave, I’ll go.”

The room goes quiet and I’m thankful. Hearing them discuss me, discuss how hateful I’ve been to this woman who even now cares about what happens to me? Fuck, I am in hell.

She still has hold of my hand, but now I can feel her fingers feather gently across my face. How long has it been since someone has touched me in a way that I can tell they care? Carrie touched me that night two years ago. Her hand had gently touched my face, much like now. She had looked at me with those damn green eyes of hers, so full of dreams and told me she loved me. I can still remember the panic I felt. Hell, I feel it now.

Maybe if I have Carrie, the darkness won’t swallow me. Maybe if I let her, she could save me. Because, I’m dying a little more every damned day. Inside I’m rotting away and I can’t stop it. I’m desperate, and when her hands are on me, it’s the first time I’ve been able to draw a breath that feels even half way clean.

Can she take away all of the darkness?

Sleep begins to drag me back under. I want to fight it, but I’m just too tired. I concentrate on Carrie’s touch. If she’s here, maybe the nightmares will stay away.