The club has been transformed; it looks nothing like it normally does. I don’t know who was in charge of cleaning and preparing for the service, but it does look beautiful. Still, I hate everything about it. I’m sitting in the front row, Bull on one side of me and Dancer on the other, with Carrie beside him. I can hear the tears being shed throughout the room.

I’m not crying. I have no tears left. I’m holding my man’s cut in my arms. Our son kicks inside of me, he’s been kicking nonstop since the service began. It’s like he can feel the emptiness around me and is just as upset. Can he feel the difference in the air I’m taking in? How it is thin and insubstantial? How it does nothing to sustain me. Instead, the air burns my lungs. Each breath feels as if I am the one now dying.

I stare at the black granite urn on the pedestal in front of me. Frog’s is a navy blue urn in an almost matching design and on a pedestal, too. I can’t grieve Frog. I can’t even try. My heart and mind are too consumed with Dragon. The service just broke. The members are talking, they’re laughing or telling stories. Remembering Dragon and Frog in their own way, and trying to hold onto them a little longer. I can’t. I’m two steps away from falling completely apart. I can’t do this; I can’t let go of Dragon. I can’t survive even a day without him, let alone say goodbye. He’s been gone close to a week now. If it was going to get any easier, surely it would have in that time.

“Nic? How are you holding up?” Carrie asks. I feel bad that I’ve been less than nice to her. I think part of me resents her, because she has everything I thought I had—only she gets to keep it. I swallow down my resentment, it’s not her fault.

“Considering I just had a service over an empty urn, and that I’m burying my husband…burying Dragon tomorrow? Peachy.” Okay, maybe I’m not burying my resentment quite so well. I can’t even call him my husband and that just…hurts.

Carrie lets it slide, and my guilt increases. She doesn’t deserve me being so shitty to her.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and she reaches out to hold my hand and applies pressure to it briefly before letting it go.

“Dani was wondering if you’d come by and see her.”

No. My mind cries out. I’m not ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. I close my eyes, and I’m all set for my denial, when instead, I nod my head in ascent.

Bull’s heavy hand pats me on the shoulder. He’s been at my side constantly. I don’t think I would have made it through this without him. I look up at him and see approval in his eyes. I can’t smile, but I give a faint nod and swallow down my fear of seeing Dani.

I follow Carrie down the long hall to Crusher’s room. He put Dani in there the moment he brought her back, and he stands watch over her night and day. I’ve only seen him a couple of times, but the truth is, I don’t think he’s doing so great either. I haven’t talked to him. I don’t ask. I don’t have the energy. He nods at us, as we walk past. His eyes have that faraway look in them I’ve noticed lately. I shrug it off.

Carrie knocks on the door, opens it and then stands back to let me in. I’ve barely stepped over the threshold before the door closes behind me. I know she shut it gently, but the sound of it closing seems to echo loudly in the room.

Dani’s lying in bed. Her face is still swollen, and the bruises have taken on a purple and black shade. Her arm is in a cast, and her entire hand is splinted and bandaged up. I can’t tell it from the cover that is pulled over her, but I know that her ribs are taped. Guilt swamps me, just from looking at her.

“Stop that Nic,” she says, and her voice is surprisingly strong, if not still hoarse. There are still rope burns around her neck where Michael strangled her.

“Stop what?” I ask, trying not to stare at her hand. Even if I can’t see where the finger is missing, I know that it’s not there.

“Stop feeling guilty, stop avoiding me, stop trying to keep it together in front of me. Pick one. Hell, pick all three.”

“Well, you seem to have me all figured out.”

“Sometimes, it’s not that hard.”

I let out a breath and sit down in a chair across from her. I’m wearing leggings and the red sweater dress that Dragon always loved. I pulled my hair up high on my head so you can see the tattoo on my neck that declares I belong to Dragon. I do, I always will. I’m still holding his cut close to my stomach; I’ve not let go of it, really, since Bull gave it to me. Having it close, sleeping with it, makes me feel closer to Dragon. Last night, I even dreamed he laid down beside me. It was the sweetest dream I have ever had. I felt his arms go around me and my breath almost stopped. I told him I loved him, and he whispered it back and asked me to be strong for our baby. The memory of that dream is the only thing that has kept me going today. It’s the only thing that has kept the darkness from swallowing me whole.

“I’m sorry I can’t be with you, Nic. I want to be.”

“To be honest, I wouldn’t know you were there. I barely know anyone is around.”

Silence. It’s awkward and stiff between us in a way that it never has been before. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if I want to try. I love Dani…I do. I’m just so tired.

“How’s the baby?”

It bothers me that she doesn’t call him Baby Dragon, since she has from the moment we found out I was pregnant. Dragon may be dead, but that doesn’t change the facts that this baby is his.

“He’s good.”

“Zander says you haven’t been eating.”

“Zander…how did I not know that you and Crusher had gotten so close?”

“We hadn’t—not really. It was just sex,” she shrugs.

“What is it now?”

“I don’t know. It’s not sex now, that’s for damned sure.”

I nod, “Did Michael…did he…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”

I don’t push, because I can understand that.

“I’m sorry, Nic. I know all of this is my fault, and I’m sorry. I thought if I left, Michael would leave you all alone. I was wrong…and I’m so sorry. I know you probably hate me right now and I don’t blame you. I’ll leave as soon…”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Still, I’ve cost you so much, and my brain is so screwed up that I just keep fucking up your life. I, hell, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”

“I’ve made my own decisions, Dani. If anyone is to blame for Dragon’s…if anyone is to blame it is me. I should have told him sooner about Michael. I should have trusted him and put him first.”

Dani flinches. I scored a hit, and I didn’t even mean to, not really. I can’t do this. Not now. Seeing Dani makes my guilt suffocate me.

“I need to go,” I say, standing up and walking towards the door. I need to escape.

“Nic, please. I’m so sorry…”

I turn to look at her, and she looks so hurt and sad and it physically wounds me, but I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t.

“Being sorry doesn’t change anything. Not a damn thing. I am sorry! I’m sorry I brought this into Dragon’s world. I’m sorry that I put Dragon in danger. I’m sorry I let my loyalty to you overshadow my loyalty to Dragon. I’m sorry I can’t go back. Because if I could, Dani? If I could go back? I’d choose Dragon! I wouldn’t keep your secret. I would tell Dragon everything and not listen to anything you said. I would have slapped your damned face the very minute you told me I couldn’t tell him. I would have…”

“That’s fucking enough!”

I turn to look at Crusher staring down at me, his face flushed in anger, and hate pouring out of his eyes. I embrace the hate. Finally, someone is giving me what I deserve. I killed Dragon. They should all hate me instead of being nice to me. I’m so fucking tired of the nice.

“Oh, look Dani, your guard dog comes to your rescue. It’s not enough, Crusher. It’s not enough, because Dani and I are to blame. It was our secrets that killed Frog. It was our secrets that killed Dragon! I destroyed the man I love. I killed him! And there’s not a damn thing you can say that will change that fact. I killed him!”

“That’s enough, Mamacita.” I turn to see Skull standing at the opened door. Bull is behind him and he looks at me with so much sadness, that I have to avoid his eyes and look back at Skull.

“It’s true.”

“It’s not. The only person responsible for any of this, querida, is the scum I will personally end. Now let us get you and the little one to your room. You should rest. Today has been stressful,” he says, guiding me towards the door.

I look over at Dani and she’s crying, but I don’t see hate in her eyes. I don’t know why. I hate me. I allow Skull to lead me outside, his hand at my back.

“Dragon wouldn’t like you being here.”

Skull is silent for a minute and then says, “There comes a time in a man’s life when things are out of his control. Alas, I only want to help you and the little one. So, it is okay, si’?”

I don’t reply. I don’t think it would be okay, but that hardly matters now.

“You need to rest, querida. Tomorrow will be a very trying day for you,” he says, as we make it to the door of Drag…my room.

“I don’t think that quite sums it up,” I say opening the door.

“Yes well, some words have not been invented. Go rest. I shall be here in the morning to check on you.”

I nod. I don’t really know what to say to that. I don’t think it would make Dragon very happy, but it’s not like that matters now.

I go through the motions of getting ready for bed. I pull on one of Dragon’s shirts to sleep in. I even go so far as to splash a dash of his cologne on my fingers and rub it on my neck. I choose the very spot Dragon used to kiss after we made love. The aroma fills the air around me, and I close my eyes and enjoy it. I crawl into bed hugging his cut close, losing time. I honestly don’t know how long I lay there in the dark. Slowly, I feel my eyes grow heavy, and I surrender to sleep. I feel Dragon all around me. His weight on our bed and his warmth at my back.

“You came back…” I whisper groggily.

“I’ll never leave you, Mama. Never.”

“But you did…”

“I’ll always come back to you. Sleep, Mama. Stay strong for our baby.”

“I love you, Dragon.”

“I love you too Mama, forever…”

Even in my sleep the tears find me.