We’ve barely settled in London, and I can already see the writing on the wall. Nicole is totally hung up on the biker called Dragon. I’m worried about her. He seems nice enough, but I see the darkness, the hardness about him, that he beats down around my girl. He gets a coldness in his eyes sometimes that reminds me too much of Michael. The problem is that Nic is really into him, in a way that I think if she doesn’t have him—it will hurt her. So, I’ve encouraged her to go for it, but inside I’m screaming no.

It’s water under the bridge now however, because Dragon has made it in with my girl and they’re going at it like rabbits. Bright side, she’s happy. Hell, she seems ecstatic and even though inside I’m screaming don’t do this, a part of me is glad for her. I wonder if I let loose and get laid, if I would be giddy. Is that what it takes to be normal? Would that stop the nightmares and the visions that drag me into hell every night? If I had someone strong around, would he be able to keep the ghost of Michael away? Would someone strong be able to protect me from Michael if he found me? A picture of Dragon’s friend, Crusher, comes to mind, the semi-cowboy from the gas station. I instantly shut that forbidden thought down. I am being weak for even thinking that. Dani should be able to stand on her own two feet. I can’t afford to be weak like Melinda. I’m not her anymore. I can’t be her.

Dragon is taking Nic upstairs for another round, when the doorbell rings. I go to the door, trying to ignore the way my heart picks up speed, and fear swamps me. I look carefully out the window and though I’m freaking ecstatic my past isn’t catching up with me, the fact that it’s Crusher at the door, does not fill me with joy. He hangs around the club where I work, but I’ve been doing my best to avoid him. He’s danger. He makes me want things that I shouldn’t want. The way he watches me sometimes…it excites me, and that terrifies me.

“Stud,” I say, leaning on the front door and looking at Crusher through the screen. His eyes rake over me and they warm me. No, they burn me. Still, I do my best to appear unaffected.

“You gonna let me in, darlin’?”

“Haven’t decided.”

“You’re looking damn good tonight and as much as I’d love to just stand here and enjoy the view, I need to talk to my boy,” he says, and I notice he’s more tense than normal.

I stand back so he can come in, trying to ignore the way being next to him sends electricity through my body. I’ve never been attracted to a man before—not like this. I had boyfriends before Michael came along, but nothing serious and after Michael…well…I’m surprised I even want to look at a man. That’s why Crusher is dangerous.

“That right there,” Crusher says, and I look up at him in confusion.

“What?”

“When you get that look in your eyes, I want to pull you in my arms and kiss you until it leaves.”

“You’ve barely seen me. You might save that line for a woman who will buy it. It’s a good one,” I respond, turning my back on him. It is a good line. Too good, because I wish he could do that. I instinctively know that Crusher would do more damage than any man before or after him, if he hurt me. When you have my scars, that’s saying something. It’s just not worth the risk.

“Believe me gorgeous, I’ve seen you, and I’m not going to give up until you let me all the way in.”

My breath stops. I know it’s a game for him, a chase. Just once though, I think I might like a man to look at me and see the real me. I don’t think anyone has, except maybe Ray. I even manage to keep most of my shit hidden from Nic. I do wonder what Crusher would think of the real me. It doesn’t matter. Crusher makes me weak. I can’t be weak again. I have to get rid of him. I have to find some reason to make him leave me alone so I am off his radar. The thought makes me sad.

“Hey D-Man, you got company!” I call out, trying to ignore the way my palms are sweating. I definitely need to medicate, if I’m going to survive tonight.

“Yo! Dragon, we got trouble man,” Crusher adds, as Nicole and Dragon come down the stairs. Dragon is carrying Nicole yet again, the man sure seems to like to cart her around.

“I can walk, you know,” Nicole grumbles, but the flush on her face tells me that she likes his attention.

Dragon waits until they get to the bottom of the stairs to let her down. Then he takes her by the hand, walking over to where we’re standing. It’s as if he can’t stand to be away from her touch.

“Sorry man, didn’t mean to interrupt. Hey Darlin’,” Crush tells Nicole. I can’t help but notice how he takes in every detail of Nicole’s body, and my stomach turns. This is just another reason why I can’t even contemplate letting Crusher anywhere near me. He’s eye fucking Nicole, after feeding me lines about wanting me.

He’s wearing a black muscle shirt and showing off his gorgeous ink. He really is too beautiful to believe. Nicole and Dragon start bickering, and it pulls my attention away from Crusher, which is good—since he’s still panting after Nicole.

“Hey,” Nicole mutters, as Dragon yanks her to his side.

“Quit checking Crush out before I have to kill him,” Dragon complains.

I listen to Dragon’s words, and I can’t help but be annoyed with all three of them. I walk off into the kitchen pretending to be uninterested. In reality, it’s time I take some pills.

“Hey boss? Man, we got shit going on. Need you out at Pussy’s now.”

“Oh my God! You have a place called Pussy’s?” Nicole screeches.

“It’s a strip joint. That’s where I was a couple nights ago, Nic. Some hot looking women there,” I supply without looking over my shoulder.

“Of course it’s a strip joint! Dear Lord, I bet you even picked out the name, didn’t you, Dragon?”

“Shut it, Mama.”

I tune them out after that. Those two fuss, fight, and then fuck. I’ve only seen it up close twice, but I know the drill.

I grab a wine cooler and find the cabinet I stash my meds in. Nicole has never mentioned them. I don’t know if she has investigated to see what I’m taking, or if she knows and lets it slide.

I’m sitting at the table, trying to calm my heart, and vaguely listening to the conversation in the living room. What I hear, doesn’t help my anxiety. Crusher is telling Dragon about some woman named Jess who was beaten. Dragon’s reply hits my stomach…sour.

“Pissed off man?” Dragon asks.

Is there any other kind? I sit there and replay Dragon’s question in my mind, and it pisses me off that he says it so calmly. Is this the shit he deals with every day in his world? Is that why he sets off my warning bells?

“That’s just it, Boss…she had a note taped to her chest.” Crush reaches inside his jacket pocket and hands Dragon a piece of folded white paper.

Dragon opens the paper, and you can see it’s covered with blood. My panic inches up another notch as I swallow down a large drink of the wine cooler. This woman they are discussing…was beaten… beaten and bloody. Was she dying…or dead? Why is Crusher here telling Dragon? Shouldn’t he be at the hospital? Did anyone call the police? Is this Jess some dirty little secret they are going to keep hidden?

I tune them out again, but not by choice. My head is full of memories. Of my last beating, of the injuries that are too many to count. How I was hidden and chained like a dog. If not for Ms. Martens….my hand shakes at her memory…at all the memories. I can’t be around Dragon and his men. I can’t be around Crusher. I don’t want to be around men who can act so calmly about a woman being hurt. I don’t want to be around men who come to each other to talk about things instead of calling from a hospital or calling the cops! Something!

I force my attention back on the three in the room and stand up. I need to get out of the house. It feels like air is being withheld from me. I need to breathe. I look up at Crusher and he looks over my body again. This time I don’t feel excitement though. No, this time it is bone-deep fear I feel. Time for kick-ass Dani to come out and give the world a fuck you. I grab a bottle of vodka, stuff it in the inside pocket of my leather jacket, carefully hiding what I’m doing behind the opened refrigerator door.

Nicole has this idea that going to counseling will help me. It’s making things worse. It’s bringing up all the shit I’ve fought to bury. One of their main rules is to not use alcohol to deal with your problems. Fuck that! They don’t live in my brain. I need the alcohol. So, I hide how bad my drinking has become from Nicole. I hide a lot from her. I couldn’t handle it if she knew how pathetic I truly am. I go to stand in the far corner, watching everyone and waiting for my chance to escape. Dragon lays a kiss on Nicole that almost melts my panties. What would it be like to have a man so crazy into you that he sets you on fire just saying goodbye? I immediately look at Crusher, because I’m stupid. I assumed he would be watching Dragon and Nic play tonsil hockey, but his eyes are glued on me. There’s a heat in those dark eyes that…if I had been a stronger person…a different person, I might have investigated. I am not a different person though, and all I can see right now when I look at either of them is how they dealt with a woman who was beaten and hurt. Worse, neither one of them seem in a hurry to go check on her—even now. They are more concerned with what happened instead of her and what she’s going through now…that’s wrong. So, I give him a look that conveys my distaste for him and study my nails instead. When they finally leave, I look up at my friend and there’s so much I want to warn her about, but the words are frozen.

“Damn, Nic girl. You might have a problem,” I lamely say, and I know she doesn’t understand why I said that. I can’t find the courage to have a serious talk, so I laugh it off.

We decided to spend the day shopping, hanging out and getting away from men in general. It was Nic’s idea, and I agreed, as long as I didn’t have to watch some totally lame romantic sappy-crap movie. Nic loves them, but to me they’re stupid. I know better than anyone, that those movies are garbage. There are no happy endings.

It’s been a pretty good day, and I have a great buzz going on. Buzz, hell, I’m actually pretty fucking drunk, and I don’t really give a damn, because my brain isn’t bombarding me with images of the past. Screw what the counselors are saying. I’ll take tonight’s feeling over the constant fear and pain I’ve been dealing with.

“Seriously Dani, what kind of twisted freak could come up with this in their head?” Nic asks.

“Quit your bitching, girl. Your ass made me watch four fucking hours of Julia Freaking Roberts. Thought I was going to go into barf mode on that last one. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blah, blah, blah,” I respond and it’s not really a lie. I hate that damn movie. It makes you want to believe in fairytales.

“Shhh…” the lady behind us says, and it’s only because I’m drunk and took a second happy pill on top of that shit, that I’m able to not slap the shit out of her. She should consider herself lucky.

The nightmares have been so bad lately, I don’t think I’ve managed an hour’s sleep. Last night, I woke up after dreaming about the last time Michael beat me, and I swore he was standing over me, swinging Ms. Marten’s head back and forth like a pendulum. I can’t believe I moved closer to Michael. I should be in Mexico or something. The problem is, that’s not where Nic is, that’s not where Ray is, and I’m terrified of being on my own. I’m still weak.

Nic thinks I have this hard shell around me. She thinks I’m a party girl, going to strip joints and getting laid every night. What would she say if she knew the truth? I go to the strip joints to watch the dancers. I need to be good at my job, learn the dances, because if I go on the run, completely on my own, I will need to get a job quickly—one that pays in cash and has great tips.

I don’t get laid every night. I haven’t had sex since Michael. I don’t even want sex. I’m afraid I may never want it again. I bullshit my way around men and then find some way to bow out. It’s worked so far, but it pisses me off. The whole world around me is having sex. I’m young damn it, even if I do feel like I’m eighty. I should be having sex. I picture Crusher immediately. Shit.

I take another drink of water. I wonder if Nicole knows I laced it with vodka after we left the concession area. Good thing she’s driving.

“Amante’ Nicole, is that you?”

I look over to see yet another, sexy-off-his-ass man looking at Nicole like he wants to eat her alive. Hell, if I still had an ego, this town would crush it.

“Well fuck me Nic, did you start a freaking harem when we moved?” I ask, when it doesn’t appear the latest Nicole victim is going to move along. Great.

“No, just finding I’m in the wrong place, at the wrong time, way too much since we moved,” Nicole answers, and boy could I give her a high-five on that one.

“Do you people mind? We’re trying to watch a movie here,” Ms. Huffy-phone-woman demands.

“Mamacita, does Dragon know you are in my town?” The man asks Nicole.

I tilt my head to the side to watch him for a minute.

“Your town? Odd, you don’t look like a mayor.”

He looks over at me and flashes a smile. It does nothing for me, but he is pretty.

“Yes well, appearances can be deceiving. Can they not, querida?” he asks. I start to respond, interested. Does he and the people with him have this much power? Could they protect me from Michael? If I’m right and Dragon and Crusher are just as dangerous, could they protect me and Nic? He’s speaking Spanish…could he help me make it to Mexico? I could pay him…I have the money from Michael that I’ve barely touched…

“You want to go?” Nicole asks, grabbing my attention again. I don’t really want to…but hell, I could use another water. Actually, it is more vodka than water. Whatever.

“Yeah, sure.”

Before we can leave, the guy fixes it so Nicole can’t get out. I look away, still wondering how to get in with his club. If they could offer Nic and I safety, or better yet, if they could help us get away…Nic doesn’t understand. She hasn’t dealt with men like Michael or Dragon. I have. I need to look out for her.

“Excuse me, I was going to the restroom,” I hear Nicole respond.

“No, you weren’t, querida. You were ditching me, but I am not ready to let you escape.”

“Dear Lord Nic, can’t you find any normal men?” I interject, my eyes glued on the movie screen, but in my mind, I am making plans.

“Apparently not.” she sighs.

“Skull baby, I thought you and I had a date? The woman who came in with, apparently Skull, whines.

Skull? That sounds mean. Mean enough to kill the Devil? Maybe not, but he seems to have firepower with him. Hell, there’s at least ten with him now. Some giant of a man picks a woman up, lifting her over the top of the seat and into the next aisle. He repeats the action until he clears a whole row for his buddies. I laugh out loud as women go running out of the theater.

I throw popcorn at the man in question. He’s big and apparently doesn’t talk much, but I do notice how careful he was with each woman as he moved them. I may be drunk, but I take this as a good sign.

“What’s your name, big boy?” I ask as the popcorn bounces off his head.

“Why you asking?” he asks, and his voice is hoarse like he doesn’t use it much.

“I want to know whose name I’m calling out tonight,” I say only half joking. Maybe if I have sex it will loosen Michael’s hold on me?

“That’s Beast,” Skull says helpfully, while the big guy turns back around ignoring me.

“You’re shitting me? Well fuck my ass and pull my hair, I think I’m going to be his Beauty at least for a night or two. Yo! Beast! Turn back around here and let me see those baby blues.”

“They’re brown.” Some man beside Beast joins in.

“Well hell, I don’t care, can’t see them anyway, I just want to look at him some more.” Beast keeps ignoring me and that kind of ticks me off.

Now normally, I run from men, but whether it’s the alcohol and narcotics in my system, or just the lure of being safe, I don’t know. Before I can question myself any further, I climb down in the man’s lap beside Beast. I would have sat in Beast’s, but he’s making that impossible.

“C’mon give me some attention here. I promise not to bite.”

“That’s too bad.”

His monotone, bored-sounding voice is not encouraging. Still, his eyes…

“I think you’re playing hard to get. Why is that do you suppose?”

“Babe, you looking for dick, you can get it from any man here, why don’t you put your efforts into choosing and leave me alone.”

Boom. I’m not sure you can get slammed more than that.

“You don’t find me attractive?” I ask, and he studies me for a minute. Can he tell that I would totally understand that? I feel like the ugliest person around. Maybe that’s why his words sting.

“Beast here lost his old lady a bit ago, but me and the boys can show you a good time,” the other guy chimes in and despite being on his lap, I ignore him.

I can see pain flash through the Beast’s eyes. He cared about his woman. I grieve with him and find myself jealous of this unknown woman at the same time. She may be gone, but at least she had someone who truly cared about her. My hand goes over to Beast’s and I squeeze it. I thought he would push me away, he doesn’t. He lets me hold his hand, and then eventually, he pulls me onto his lap. There’s nothing sexual in the way we’re sitting. It’s the first time I’ve relaxed in months.

I’m feeling good and even half-way safe around Beast. Skull and his crew might be the answer to my problems. Beast is definitely safer than Crusher or Dragon. I can say that unequivocally. After the movie, we are walking with the crew, discussing going to a bar. I don’t really want to. Although, more alcohol might help at this point, I don’t know. That is put to an end when Dragon arrives upset, because Skull is putting the moves on Nicole.

Guns are drawn, knives…Instantly I am transported back into the past. Dragon is no longer Dragon. He is Michael wielding a knife. Michael holding it towards me. Michael grabbing me, threatening to end me. It is Michael stabbing me in the stomach repeatedly. I scream out in terror. I can’t stop the sound or the tears that gather, though I do my best to fight them back. My entire body starts shaking and that’s when Beast covers me. He stands in front of me. Protecting me. He pulls me tight against his back, not letting my hand go. It stops my screams, though the tears refuse to end. I can’t stop the shaking, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Over his shoulder, I see Crusher and he’s holding a gun and pointing it in Beast’s direction. In my direction.

I have to get away from Dragon, Crusher, and that whole crew. I need to get Nic away. Dragon will turn his anger on her someday. I can’t let what happened to me, happen to Nic. I can’t. I feel like I can’t breathe, and the memories try to swallow me. I don’t even notice that the confrontation has ended. I’m lost in the past. That’s when Beast grabs my face and forces my eyes to him.

“You’re okay, little hummingbird. You’re okay.”

I don’t know where the ridiculous nickname comes from, but something about this gruff man who could snap men like twigs being soft, pulls me out of the darkness. I still can’t quit shaking, and I feel so cold.

“I…I…can’t stay here,” I gasp, my voice winded, broken, and weak. God, it’s so weak. Beast nods and begins to pull me away from the crowd. Crusher puts his hand on my shoulder and stops us. I look up into his dark eyes. I see concern there, and I want to believe it’s real. Then I remember how he held a gun on us…on me. I can’t trust him. I can’t trust Dragon. I know their types.

“Don’t do this, darlin’.”

His hand warms me. There’s so much heat coming off him, through our connection. I want to embrace the warmth, because I feel so cold, but I pull away. Instead, I look at Beast. A man who has been nothing but kind, and even now he’s holding onto me. If he wasn’t, I would fall to the ground. Beast protected me. No one ever has before.

“Can…can you get me out of here?” I look up at Beast, begging him silently.

“Let’s go, hummingbird.”

“You’re making the wrong choice, sweetheart,” Crusher says.

“My life is full of them. At least this one isn’t holding a gun on me,” I tell him before I can stop myself, then let Beast lead me away.

They decide not to go to the club after all the excitement. I’m glad. The world is buzzing around me, and I can’t seem to grasp it. My stomach is in knots. I keep thinking back to Crusher and our last exchange. What is it about that man that makes me…want? That’s it really. He makes me want and for someone who has never even looked at a man in that way? It’s terrifying.

I go with Beast to Skull’s compound without talking. Right now, I need three things. Nicole, safe. Michael, dead. Me, somewhere warm with my toes in the sand, far away from anything and anyone. I doubt Beast can make that happen, but he’s big, he’s warm, and he’s looking out for me. That’s more than I’ve ever had.

When we get inside, he leads me back into a small room with a bed and a dresser in it. I look at the room a little lost. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stop my body from shaking. Tiny comes to the door, but Beast stops him.

“Hey man! I thought we were going to party! The bitch has been begging for it all night. Surely you’re going to share.”

“Go find one of the club girls, I’m flying solo with this one tonight,” he says, and I pull myself up to a sitting position on the bed and hug my knees. I thought I wanted sex, and I know Beast has been nice to me and all, but I don’t think I can do it. Shit. I don’t have a contingency plan either. I always do, I always have some way to extract myself out of any situation. I didn’t tonight and I have no idea what I’m going to do.

“She’s mine tonight. Now get the fuck out of here, so I can get my cock sucked on for the first time in a year.”

“Hey okay man, I get you dog, you want some privacy for your first time since your old lady. I get it, but tomorrow you’re going to have to share, because that’s some sweet ass in there, and I want to tap it.”

Beast closes the door—more like slams it on Tiny, and while I’m glad about that, I have no idea what to do here.

“Listen…I know I offered and everything, but I’ve been thinking…”

“Relax Hummingbird, I ain’t about to give you my dick.”

I freeze. I mean that’s good, but still, shit, could he at least act like he’s tempted?

“Hummingbird?” I ask putting my head down against my knees wishing the room would stop spinning.

“If there was ever a woman with a broken wing, it’d be you.”

Well, he has me pegged.

“I’m sorry about your family.”

“Life’s fucked up,” he says, staring off into space.

“Amen.”

He turns back around and looks at me.

“Do yourself a favor hummingbird, drink yourself to sleep tonight and then get the hell out of here in the morning. This life ain’t for you.”

“I’ve never really had a life,” I say, taking a bottle of Jack he hands me from his dresser. I take a drink, wincing at the burn and pass it back to him. He sits down and we pass the bottle back and forth for what seems like hours, not talking.

When it’s empty, I lay back on a pillow and Beast lays beside me. He makes no move to touch me, and as odd as it sounds, this is the best night of my life. Lying in bed with a complete stranger drunk as a skunk is calm, relaxing, and wonderful. Of course, maybe I only feel relaxed because I am drunk. Who knows?

“How long were you and your woman together?”

“Not long. Should have never knocked her up, but it happened, and I wanted our child more than anything. Annabelle was all that was good in the world. Without her, the place is just cold and dark.”

My heart turns over for Beast and the loss he must have suffered. My hand goes to my stomach and I rub it absently.

“I can never have a child,” I whisper, my words slurring.

“Sorry, hummingbird.”

“The world is fucked up,” I say staring off in the darkness, ignoring the tears sliding silently down my face.

“Amen,” Beast says.

“Can I hide out here for a couple days?” I ask, before I can talk myself out of it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safe like I do around Beast.

“You can’t run away forever hummingbird,” he says, and he doesn’t know he has whispered the words I fear the most.

“I just need to catch my breath,” I whisper.

“Then breathe, I’ll make sure the demons stay away until you can fight them,” he vows, and I suddenly wish with everything I have that he was Crusher. It physically hurts that he isn’t.

In a little while, I hear Beast snore, and I know he’s sleeping. I’m close to going there myself, I’m just fighting it. The nightmares are always waiting for me. Michael is always there, I hate sleep. Just as my eyes close, Beast curls into me and hugs me close. I let him. and his warmth soothes me. I hope it’s enough to keep the nightmares at bay. I surrender to sleep and it’s not Michael’s face I see first in my dreams. It’s Crusher’s.