I’m so tired. It feels like my eyes have cement blocks on them they’re so heavy. It’s all I can do to open them. When I look around and see the hospital room, terror instantly hits me. I look around frantically, knowing Michael will be there. That’s when I see him…Zander. He’s in a large recliner beside my bed. His hair is tossed every which way on his head, his face looks haggard, and there’s beard growth on his face that he’s never had before. He’s wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. He doesn’t even have on his cut. His feet are kicked out on a stool. He’s snoring and it makes me want to smile, but that would require too much movement, and the pain right now is way too intense. I look over at the door, Freak is standing there, arms folded, and looking every inch the bad boy biker he is. I lick my lips and try to find my voice. It hurts to breathe, so I’m figuring talking is going to be worse.

“Freak…” The sound is hoarse, dry, and squeaky all rolled in together.

He immediately looks over at me, “Hey, babe.”

“What are you doing?” I ask, wincing at the effort it takes to make a whole sentence.

“Standing guard so Crush will sleep before he keels over.”

My eyes go automatically back to Zander and my heart flutters with a warmth inside of me.

“Standing guard?” I ask.

“That bastard is still out there. We protect family babe, always.”

My breath lodges in my throat, and I’m not sure what it is, but it warms me from the inside out. Family?

“I’ll let you talk alone with Crush and relieve Hawk, he’s out front.”

“Three of you?”

“Six, we’ve got Torch and some of Skull’s crew watching the entrances to the hospital. That bastard won’t get a hold of you again.” He closes the door as he leaves, and I think about all that he just said. It’s a lot to take in.

“Stop it right now, Hellcat.”

I look up to find Zander pulled up close to the bed, his elbows are on the mattress and he’s staring intently at me. His eyes look so tired, and yet, they glow with emotion.

“Hi…”

“Hey, sweetheart,” he says, leaning up to kiss my forehead. Even that slight touch hurts, but I ignore it and just breathe in his scent.

“How long have I been out?”

“Not long honey, you’re a survivor. You fought your way back hard, and you need to stop what you’re doing.”

“Stop?” I ask, feeling his hand slide along the side of my face.

“Worrying about getting others involved. We got this Hellcat, and it’s not just you involved now. The club has a score to settle with Michael, and it’s the kind that only his head on a fucking platter will solve.”

“Score?” I ask, confused. I know Freak said I was family, but this seems…

“Dragon, honey. Michael had his vehicle rigged to blow. He and Frog didn’t survive,” Crusher tells me, and I don’t understand…there’s so much sadness in his expression, and then it hits me that Dragon and Frog…they…oh God, they died. I gasp and suck in a breath, because I feel like I’m drowning in the pain that causes it, along with the pain of knowing Michael killed someone else I cared about, punches me hard in the stomach, causing tears to run from my eyes. Not Dragon! He and Nicole are supposed to be married. They have a baby on the way, and Frog…he was so young, and I don’t think he even got a taste of life…or love. My heart is hammering against my chest, and I can’t seem to recover enough to catch my breath.

“Nic…Zander, Nic? The baby?” I ask, not able to form a complete sentence or thought. My mind is going in a million different directions.

“They’re okay, sweetheart. Nic’s having a hard time adjusting, but she’ll be okay.”

“I…oh God Zander, this is all my fault. This was why I left. I can’t let more people die for me.”

“Stop it, Hellcat. That fucker is a mean son of a bitch who has needed to be killed from the day he drew his first breath. You can’t take his actions on your shoulders. We’ll handle him. You just need to concentrate on getting better.”

Logically, I understand his words. I just can’t bring myself to feel blameless. The bodies in my past keep piling up, and for no other reason than they wanted to help or protect me. When is it going to end? My hand goes up to my chest. I don’t feel anything by my heart, so I move it up till I find it, way too high to hit the heart and not even close to where it needed to be. Michael is right. I am pathetic.

“That one scared us the most. It was deep. You lost a lot of blood from it. Its good I found you when I did,” he says, and my hand freezes on the rough skin.

“You shouldn’t have saved me, Zander.”

He doesn’t respond, and I’m too lost in my thoughts to realize that he’s upset. I close my eyes as the tears fall. Poor Nic.

“Look at me, Hellcat.”

I can’t bring myself to, even when he uses the command in his voice that I normally wouldn’t argue with.

“Hellcat, now.”

“I did it,” I whisper to him softly, because I’m ashamed. I don’t really want him to hear me. I’m ashamed that I was weak. I’m ashamed I didn’t manage to do it. I’m ashamed for being in this situation. I’m sick with regret that me living took the life of two men…two really good men…two men who were loved and had a life of happiness ahead of them.

“You didn’t do shit, Hellcat. It was that fucker, Mich….”

“I stabbed myself, Zander. I wanted to die. I wanted to take that from him. I couldn’t even manage to do that. I’m weak and my weakness…killed…” I can’t even finish the thought. I killed Dragon… “You should have let me die. It would have been better if you did.”

Zander gently pulls my face towards him. He’s leaning over top of me, and his eyes are full of emotion.

“You need to shut that fucking shit up right now, Hellcat. You need to listen to me. You are the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. The shit you must have lived through, the shit you just lived through? That would destroy someone weak. There wouldn’t be anything but pieces left of them. You are fucking amazing, and if I have to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives together, I will. So, just cut that shit out about being weak, and how it would have been better if you were dead. Hand to God, Hellcat, if I were in a world where you weren’t breathing, I’d follow you wherever the fuck you went, because you’re it. You’re it for me.”

“Zander, please just stop. We both know the real reason you even look my way, and I’m too tired to pretend otherwise.”

Zander sighs and sits back down holding my hand. I look down at our joined hands and find another reminder as to why I’m not good enough for him. My hand is bandaged up, but even in the bandages you see that I no longer have a pinky finger. It’s one more thing that Michael has taken from me, and one more thing that Zander shouldn’t have to worry about. He needs a whole woman, one who can give him babies, and be there for him in ways I’m too broken to manage.

“Enlighten me, Hellcat. Go ahead and tell me what the fuck is the real reason I need you.”

“You couldn’t save Melly, so you want to try and save me. It’s okay, I get it, and I could even live with being her substitute, but you deserve better. Somewhere you’ll find a…”

“A woman who drives me completely fucking crazy,” he growls. I look up at him then, he’s angry. “What does it take to make you shut your damned pie-hole and listen to me?”

“Zander…”

“Don’t you Zander me, it’s time you listen to me, Hellcat and you better fucking listen. I watched my mom get shit on and be my old man’s punching bag for years. I couldn’t save her and that sucked, but I was a damn kid. Melly was a beautiful, sweet, innocent girl that the world slowly destroyed. I wanted to save her, she wouldn’t let me, and it was because we were both still kids. I would have loved her. I would have taken care of her and been happy. You’re right. You’re abso-fucking-lutely right.”

“Zander, I don’t want to hear about…”

“You, Dani—Melinda, or whoever the fuck you are…”

“Dani,” I growl, because I hate Melinda, I never want to be Melinda.

“You, do not make me happy—not even a little bit.”

His words hurt me, and I feel like he just slapped me across the face.

“You make me screaming mad, confused, weak, aggravated, crazy, and horny as fucking hell…”

“Listen…”

“And completely fucking whole, for the first time in my life.”

I freeze right before I tell him to shut up. “I… uh what did you say?”

“I said you make me whole, Hellcat. When I’m with you, I feel at ease, relaxed, and peaceful, even when you make me want to scream. I’ve never had that in my fucking life, but most of all Hellcat, you make me feel… alive. I need you, Hellcat. I need you more than any man has never needed a woman in his life. You aren’t a substitute for anyone, sweetheart. You are my fucking world.”

“Zander…”

“My fucking world, Dani…,” he whispers, leaning so close, his face comes to mine and holds me prisoner in his gaze. “I love you.”

“Zander…”

“I love you,” he says again, and his lips are so close, I can feel his breath on my skin. I can almost taste him on my lips.

“Zander…”

“I love you,” he says again, his fingers lightly brush against the side of my neck as he holds my face in place.

“Will you let me finish now?”

“Not if you’re going to say more fucked-up crazy shit,” he answers.

“I love you,” I tell him, and I know my eyes are wet with tears.

“I give you permission to say that every fucking day for the rest of our lives, Hellcat.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I tell him, and he places a small kiss against my lips.