Do you ever wish you could have that one moment back? That one moment when, even if you were in the right, you have the feeling that your decision, your actions or inactions changed the course of your life and fear what might happen?

As Dragon walks out of the room, that feeling swamps me, and robs me of air. I lied. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to live without Dragon. I love him. He loves me. The trouble is, I don’t think we love in the same way. He didn’t say he was sorry. He put me through hell, and I’m convinced that’s a major reason I went into labor. Then he accuses me of doing something wrong with Skull, on the day of his funeral! In the back of the limo, on the way to the cemetery with gunfire everywhere! I’m owed a freaking apology somewhere in that. He should be down on his knees begging for forgiveness and kissing my feet. Not making me feel like total shit (which he did) and walking out on me.

Instead of following my first instinct and running after him, I watch him leave. If he doesn’t try to make things truly right, there’s nothing I can do. The acknowledgment of that sours in my stomach. I can’t help it. I have more than just me to think about now; I have Dominic.

I didn’t name our baby Chasin Donovan like he thought. I named our child Dominic West. No middle name; it wasn’t needed. I want him to have the same exact initials as Dragon, and I wanted a strong name, that’s true. Still, Dominic was Frog’s real name, and I thought Dragon would like to remember the name of a brother who gave everything for the club. It seemed fitting. Dragon despised the name Chasin when we were going through the book, so, I had the hospital put that name on the card in his room. It was stupid, childish, and immature, and I feel like a bitch now, but when the hospital said they needed to send papers off to name our child, I was stuck. If Dragon knew I named his son after someone in the club he would view it as me giving in, and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m weak. It’s taking all I have to hold Dragon off. If he really comes at me, I’m not sure I can resist. Still, I need to fix it.

“Your mommy is a silly, silly woman sometimes, Dom. I promise to try and do better. You’ll love your daddy. He’s a good man, and he’ll always take care of you.”

I lay my head on the glass of my son’s incubator. I hate that word. My son is a human not an animal a farmer is trying to produce. I swallow as I see how small he is next to my hand. It doesn’t even seem like he could breathe being so small. You can still see small red lines on his body where his skin is so frail. His head has this dark black hair though. I am not sure what I expected, but that wasn’t it. His little features are so wrinkled and small, they’re hard to make out, because of the wires he must have to monitor him. There’s also a tube coming from his mouth. The nurse explained each one and its purpose, but honestly, it goes over my head at this point.

“It’d be nice if you would let Dragon hear you say that,” Bull says from the door. His large figure is draped in the yellow hospital gown and the gloves look too tight for his hands, and I can tell he’s upset with me.

“I know.”

“If you know, why did he look like he’d lost every hope he had in the world when I saw him leaving?”

“Because I told him it was over.”

Bull makes that sound he has. It’s between a growl and a groan of disapproval. It sounds like the noise a bear makes when he’s annoyed he has to run after his food. (Okay, so I watch a lot of Discovery Channel.)

“I don’t suppose you bothered to tell him Dom’s real name either, did you, Nic?”

Now, I know he’s pissed, because recently he has taken to calling me Little Mama and odd as it is, I miss it.

“Not yet…”

He fingers the place card on the end of the incubator.

He looks straight at me and his dark eyes pin me. I can feel his disappointment, and I don’t like it.

“You know I got nothing in the world but love for you, Little Mama, but you’re going to have to let go of some of this anger. If not for you, then for Dom. He’s what is important.”

I break away from his eyes and watch my son, and whisper the one thing that hurts me more than anything else.

“He let me think he was dead, Bull. He destroyed me. My son is here fighting for his life, and I can’t help but feel that it’s Dragon’s fault.”

“Nic, I love you, but that’s bullshit.”

“It’s not. Stress…”

“Stress can do a lot—I’m not saying you’re wrong. What I am telling you is that things happen the way they are meant to happen. You can’t pinpoint one thing that started this. If you want to blame anyone, blame Kavanagh—may his soul rot in hell.”

I swallow, because he’s right. Still, I resent the way he’s laying this at my feet.

“He shouldn’t have locked me out, Bull. He shouldn’t have done that to me. He let me think he was dead!”

“I’m not saying he was completely right either, Nicole. I’m saying what you’re doing isn’t making it any better.”

“He didn’t even apologize!”

“Nicole, how many women do you think Dragon let in as far as you’ve gotten? Hell, even a fourth of the way?”

“I don’t want to think of Dragon with another woman.”

“None.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not talking fucked, Nicole.”

I look around the room, luckily the nurse that stays with Dom has left while I’m here, but still…

“Don’t use that word around Dom.”

Bull looks up at the sky like he’s praying for divine intervention and shakes his head. “That boy will know what fuck means before his tenth birthday. Probably much sooner. Accept it now, woman.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t fight it, Bull.”

“Lord have mercy.”

“For someone that doesn’t talk a lot, you sure are getting chatty.”

“I like you.”

I smile.

“He hurt me bad, Bull. He even accused me and Skull of getting it on in the limo at his damned funeral! Which was fake, anyway!”

“Nic…” he starts, and his voice cracks and he starts again. “Nicole, Dragon has never let another person in, except you. He even keeps his brothers at a distance. He’s going to fuck up. You want something from him, you’re going to have to show him. He ain’t going to know on his own, besides, you women can be crazy.”

“He was wrong.”

“Are you willing to throw away what you two have? Your son’s family—for the sake of being right?”

“I’m not giving in on this and letting Dragon off the hook, Bull. I can’t spend my life letting him have his way in everything. He has to know what he did was wrong, on so many levels.”

“So, don’t give in completely, but being childish isn’t helping.”

“I’ll change the damn name!” I yell ripping the card up. “I planned on doing it before you got here anyway,” I say grumbling.

Bull halfway smiles.

I go over to where I watched the nurse hand me a card last time. She refused to write Dom’s fake name for me. I had to do it. (I might have mumbled she was a self-righteous bitch, under my breath.) I write Dominic West on the paper and put it in the place card holder on the incubator. (Again, I hate that word.)

Bull stays a little longer. I’m grateful for the company. He finally gets up to leave; as he walks to the door he stops and turns back around to look at me. “Nicole? Does anyone win if you don’t give in a little?”

“I…”

“Just think about it. I’ll check on you soon.”

He leaves. I’m left wondering how to get over the anger and resentment I have inside of me. I don’t really have an answer.