“I’m fine Nicole, I promise. It’s been good. Paul and Ray have been taking great care of me,” I say into the phone, looking out the small window of Ray’s condo that I’ve been staying in.

“You need to come home Dani, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, more than you know. I’ve needed this though, it’s been good for me, and I’m finally going to therapy regularly. You’d be proud of me. I’m almost like a real girl now,” I joke.

Still it’s true. My month here with Ray and Paul has been good. It’s a month in which I’ve pulled myself together more. I’ve been going through therapy for survivors and that’s what I am. I’m not a victim. I am a survivor. I survived violence. Period. It’s developed into my daily mantra. I’m a survivor. I’ve let my past rule me for too long. I thought I deserved what Michael dished out. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s how I felt inside. I still have my moments, but I’m a lot better. I can’t spend my life like I have. I could have gotten Nicole killed. No matter what she or anyone says, that’s on me, and I need to make changes. I have to make changes.

“Are you coming home?” Nicole asks, and I want to say that my home isn’t there. Then again, my home isn’t here either. I have a lot to figure out. I may be hiding from my past, but Ray, Paul, and my sponsor are all right. I can’t let my past choke out whatever future I can make for myself.

“Maybe. What’s been going on there?”

“Not a lot. We have a new girl staying with us, Caroline. She’s sweet.”

“Sweet like a Twinkie?” I ask before I can stop myself.

“Nah, Carrie isn’t a Twinkie. She’s someone from Dancer’s past. Dragon said she has something to do with why he’s in jail. I think Dancer was defending her or something. I don’t know, Dragon’s not said a lot. You know, club business and all that.”

“Sometimes it’s better not to know,” I answer. Dancer is a Savage member that has been in jail for the last couple of years. Whatever his past is, it’s probably not good, and I think Dragon is smart for trying to protect Nicole.

“Maybe, but it is annoying to be the only one out of the loop. I feel like I’m the only one with my head buried in the sand around here.”

“Well knowing that crew, there’s some that have their heads in their ass, so at least you’re not them,” I answer, thinking of Zander.

Nicole snorts, “I’m not arguing. I’m glad you caught Crusher lying. You don’t need to go there, you were smart to shoot him down. He does ask about you though.”

“Do you tell him I’ve died and he can see me when he gets to hell?”

“I told him the truth.”

“Well that’s boring,” I respond.

“I told him you moved to Texas to live with two men who love you and treat you like a queen.”

I smile, but just like always, when I think of Zander, my heart hurts. Nicole has no idea just how much I did give him. I can’t bring myself to tell her. My time with Zander is just that, mine. It’s something I can’t share with anyone, not even Ray. I’m not sure how you can grow to need someone in the short span that Zander and I spent together, but somehow, it happened. It doesn’t matter though. I’ve been gone a month, and there hasn’t been a word from him. I know it’s not like we were a real couple, but if I had meant anything to him, I’m sure I would have heard from him. Then again, if I were important to him, he wouldn’t have been talking to Gunner and saying those things anyway. Nothing about that night showed any depth of feeling, and nothing since. Dragon would never let Nicole leave him without trying to win her back. That’s something else I’ve realized in the last month. There is real love out there. Paul and Ray have it. I’ve seen it. They care about each other. I’ve never seen that. Dad married my Mom to get access to her fortune. He used me to get out of debt with Michael and …. Michael is just pure evil. Nicole is right. I should have never thought of Dragon like that. He’s not. Dragon is another thing I should address in my life, which is why I’m calling.

“Hey, Nic? Do you think I could talk to Dragon?”

“Dani…I…”

“Please? It’s kind of important.

“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” she grumbles.

“Thanks.”

“Hang on,” she sighs.

I wait another few minutes. I’m about to hang up, figuring Dragon took the phone and is just ignoring it. I couldn’t really blame him.

“Shoot,” his gravelly voice, comes over the receiver.

“I…” Shit, what did I want to say again? My hands have a cold clammy sweat covering them. “Hey, Dragon.”

“D.”

That’s it, just my initial, and no how are you, or how have you been…it’s another sign that this call, though needed, is not welcomed. Nothing about me will probably be welcomed by Dragon.

“I uh…”

“Spit it out D, I’ve got shit to do,” he grumbles, and I can hear Nicole in the background censoring him.

“I wanted to apologize,” I say weakly, because it is weak. There’s nothing I can say that can make up for what happened, and what I almost did.

“You almost got my woman killed. Not exactly something you can fix. If you were a man, I would have killed you for what you did to Nicole,” Dragon says coldly, and his words go through me.

“Dragon! Hand me that damn phone. We’ve had this out, and I can’t believe you right now!” I hear Nicole in the background, yelling. I swallow and forge ahead.

“I get that. You don’t know me, but I had good reason to worry about you, and I’m not sorry I tried to keep Nicole from making a mistake. I’m just sorry that I went about it like I did. You weren’t who you appeared to be…” Lame, but it’s the best I can do without telling him who he was in my brain at the time, and he doesn’t get that. He can’t.

His silence greets me.

“So, I’ll just let you go. I just wanted to let you know I was sorry, and I won’t question Nicole again. You love her and you’ll protect her. That’s enough. Some men…a lot of men aren’t like that. Nicole deserves that. She hasn’t had it and…”

“D?” Dragon interrupts my rambling, thank God.

“Yeah?”

“You should come home. Nicole misses you.”

“I kind of messed up,” I say, and I think only part of me is talking about what happened with Nicole. Zander. I should have never gone there.

“You plan on doing it again?” Dragon asks.

“No,” I answer and silently add on both counts.

“Then get your ass home, you make Nicole happy. I want her happy.”

“I get that,” I reply, not really giving him an answer.

“And, D?”

“Yeah?” I ask, feeling a little lighter and more surprised at the invitation to come home. Is Kentucky my home?

“We don’t hurt women, ever. You feel me?”

“I…well…”

“I’m saying you’re safe here, D, and I’ll be cool as long as you don’t pull that shit again.

“I’ll think about it,” I answer, wondering if I will ever really be safe again.

“Fair enough,” he says and the phone goes dead. Guess Dragon ain’t one for goodbyes.

I hang up and take a deep breath. I’m feeling at loose ends. Paul had work tonight. He’s a bartender at a local club. Ray is working there too, as he does every night. He’s the bouncer. He’s also convinced I should go there tonight. I’m not. He’ll probably win though, because I have no desire to sit home alone.

“You about ready, Kitten?”

I look up to find Ray standing in the door way. He’s literally gorgeous. He’s got eyes so blue you’d swear the sun was behind them making them shine. This perfect angular face that shows off his five o’clock shadow perfectly. His body shows that there is a reason he’s a fitness trainer. His arms are muscles galore, abs that make women and men drool, and finally, there’s his laid back, don’t fuck with me, but I’m the guy next door attitude. Ray has it all, including a heart that is so giving, I think he must be from another planet, because they just don’t make people like that here on Earth.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“That’s your problem, you think too much,” Ray says, looking like a giant kid.

I shake my head and pull myself off the bed. I’m ready as I’ll ever be. When I make it to my bedroom door, Paul pulls me into his arms and holds me close, kissing the top of my head. I’m not exactly short, but Paul towers over me. It doesn’t intimidate me though, I feel…safe. The only other time I’ve felt that way in my life has been with Zander, and doesn’t that just suck.

An hour later, I’m standing by an old cement column in the corner of a busy bar, listening to music and watching the dancers. It’s not my cup of tea. Some man is whaling on a juke box about a woman’s sundress and how he’s going through withdrawals over her. I refuse to think of Zander. This is probably why I never listen to country music. It’s damn depressing. I’m still nursing the same rum and coke that Paul sent over when we got here an hour ago. I don’t really drink a lot these days. I’ve learned that drinking might numb me, but in the long run it makes the nightmares worse.

“Seems like I’m always chasing you, Hell Cat. One of these days, I may just get tired of that.”

My body freezes. My heart races. It’s been a month, why now? More importantly, how? I don’t ask. I still my reaction, as best I can. I don’t need to show him any weakness.

“No one asked you to, Crusher. I think you just can’t take a hint.”

“I can baby, I absolutely can.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I missed you,” he says, and it’s said in a quiet voice, but there’s…feeling in it.

“I doubt that. I’m sure you and Gun found a new play toy before I even crossed the state line,” I say bitterly, because I am bitter.

“I was a fucking ass.”

I still haven’t turned around to talk to him. I’m afraid. I kind of hate him for that too.

“You won’t hear an argument from me,” I respond, taking a drink. Zander’s arm comes around and takes the glass away from me. I still can’t turn around to see what he’s doing.

I think I’m frozen, afraid to move. If I do, will he really be there? If I do, will I see the truth in his eyes, that I was just a lay and I was right…I meant nothing to him?

“Hellcat, we need to fix this, I’ve missed you, and I think you’ve missed me too.”

“We barely had any time together, and we were just fuck-buddies.”

“I think it was more than that.”

“No, it really wasn’t, Cowboy. I’m not even sure why you made the trip.” Or how you found out where I am.

“Because your lips might be saying no, but your body is saying something completely different.”

“I think you’re delusional, Zander.”

My heart is beating hard against my chest. It should freak me out that Zander is here—that he found me. I know Nic would have never told him. We agreed a long time ago to never tell anyone where Ray lived. So, I should be worried about being tracked here, instead I feel this small ball of hope inside, because Zander came to find me. He moves closer to me, and I feel like I don’t have any control of my body when he gets this close. I do my best to calm my heart. I don’t want to betray what his closeness really does to me. It’s not easy. Especially, when his body pushes against my ass, and I can feel his hard erection brush against me. A minute later, the heat of his breath fans my bare shoulders.

His hands loosely hold my hips while I try to look out over the crowd in the bar and find Paul or Ray. Someone to save me, because I know if Zander is involved, I can’t save myself. I feel the tips of his thumbs at the top of my blue jeans, brushing the skin exposed between it and where my tank top begins. My brain is screaming danger, because that’s what Zander is. He is danger with a capital ‘D.’

“That right there is what I mean. When those thick, beautiful, fucking lips of yours say my name, all I can think about is you whispering it against my cock, right before I grab your hair, plunge inside, and fuck your mouth like it’s meant to be fucked.”

His words flow down my spine, and they lodge deep. If I close my eyes, I can see him doing that same thing and me…the woman who has hated sex…suddenly craves being weak with a man. What the fuck is he doing to me? Can he hear how my breath catches and becomes ragged? Shit, is he looking over my shoulder and noticing how hard my nipples are right now?

“You have a strange fascination with my mouth,” I try to sound bored. I fail.

My body feels like it’s on the edge of a cliff, and I’m scared to death of what will happen if I jump. Zander is not safe. I can’t control Zander. No longer than we were together, when he said those things at the club…he hurt me. He hurt me deeper than anyone had—not physically, but emotionally and with my past that’s an accomplishment. I’ve made so many bad decisions, what happens if he’s just another one? I’m leaving to go back to Kentucky soon. Would it be stupid to give in? Wouldn’t it be wiser to keep my distance? I’ve never wanted a man before Zander. Never. What happens if I pretend just once, like I’m a normal woman without a fucked up head, without a past that is going to get me killed someday? What happens if I give in and pretend?

“Hellcat, you have no idea, but I could show you, baby. I could show you a hundred different ways, and I’d make damn sure you enjoy every…fucking…one,” he says drawing my attention back to our conversation. His last three words are paused and hoarse sounding. They are timed and in tune to the way his hand comes around and nudges my chin, so I look over my shoulder at him. He finishes his reply against my mouth, and I open for his kiss without thought.

I drink in his taste. God, I’ve missed him.