I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Everything in me is sore. Worse, I feel empty. After six months of having Little Dragon inside of me, not having him now…feels wrong. Shit, I’m so tired of that word—wrong. That’s Dragon’s fault.

All of this is Dragon’s fault. He keeps trying to come in and see me. I haven’t let him. I know he’ll get tired of that soon and just barge in, but for now, I’m thankful he’s restraining himself. I haven’t even gotten to see my baby, yet. I got to stay awake through the cesarean, so I had a quick glimpse of him—which was good and bad. I thought we had lost him right away, and the terror that struck in my heart still echoes.

I’m told they will take me down to him sometime this evening. I always pictured giving birth and having Little Dragon placed upon my chest; dreamed of being the first one to hold him. I wanted that. Dragon took that away from me, too.

I hold my hand up and look at it. I had to take all my jewelry off for the surgery, and I haven’t put my engagement ring back on. I can’t bring myself to and at the same time my hand feels barren. I miss the feel and weight of it on my finger.

“Where’s your ring at, Mama?”

I close my eyes and sigh. I knew this was coming.

“Have you seen the baby?” How bad is it that I can’t even bring myself to call him our child? It doesn’t feel like I ever had Dragon as a partner. That sounds stupid, but it’s exactly what I am feeling.

“I just came from there. He’s still holding his own. The doctor said they were bringing you to him in a little while,” Dragon answers.

“Yeah, I only got to see him for a minute because of his lung,” I reply, staring out the window opposite of Dragon. I don’t want to see him right now. Seeing him hurts.

“Mama, we have to talk if we’re ever going to get past this.”

“Some things… you just can’t get past.”

“We can.”

“You let me think you were dead, Dragon. You let me grieve for you, hurt, and blame myself. You destroyed me, and now…you just expect me to forgive you, and be grateful you’re back.”

“I didn’t have a choice, Nicole. I did what I had to do for the club, to keep us all safe.”

“I’m starting to hate the club.”

“Nicole,” he sighs and starts again. “Mama…”

“Tell me, Dragon, if you could only save one of us? The club or me? Would I lose out to the club again?”

“Damn it, Nicole! That’s not fair. I did what I did to protect what was mine, and that includes you. A man ain’t a man, if he’s weak.”

I close my eyes. I’ve tried to hold it in, but he’s just not letting it go. So, I decide to just let him have the cold, hard truth. “You didn’t protect me, Dragon. Because of you, I nearly lost our child. I still might! Because of you? Our child is clinging to life, locked away from me, instead of in my arms; I can’t even feed him. A tube gets to feed him! You took so much from me, Dragon, I can’t even begin to count it all. So, forgive me if I don’t buy that you did it all for me.”

“What do you want from me, Nicole? People were dying. I had to put a stop to it. I was backed into a corner.”

“I don’t know, Dragon, maybe letting me in on what you had planned?”

“I had to move quickly, Kavanagh had too many eyes and he needed to believe that you were suffering. He needed to believe he had won. I didn’t have any other choice,” Dragon says.

That’s when I turn to look at him. Can he tell how cold I feel on the inside? I may never be warm again.

“There’s always a choice, Dragon. You just pick the one that means the most to you.”

“Damn it, Mama!”

“You need to leave.”

“Mama…”

“I’m tired, Dragon. Please, just go.”

“I’m not about to go until we fix this, Mama. You and I are forever.”

I ring the nurse, not bothering to respond. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Could you come here, please?”

“Are you hurting, Mama?” Dragon asks.

In more ways than I could ever tell you. I think it, but I don’t tell him. He wouldn’t get it.

“Mrs. West?”

“It’s actually, Miss Wentworth,” I correct her, because right now, that seems extremely important. “Could you escort Mr. West out? I’m just too tired for company, and I want to rest up before I go to see my son.”

The nurse looks between us confused, but nods.

“Certainly, if you’ll just follow me, Mr. West.”

“This is not over, Nicole.”

“This has been over since the moment you let me think you were gone, Dragon.”

“Bullshit,” he says and stomps out.

My head goes back against the pillow. I guess I won round one.