I can take the humiliation. It doesn’t mean anything, not in the grand scheme of things. I can take about anything from Jacob, because I know he has this poison in his system. I know that the target of his venom is almost, always me. He blames me. He blames me for his attack, for his pain. I am okay with that, because I blame me too. I do. If I could go back, I would in a heartbeat. If I could take his place, I would. If I could have been the one violated, I would! If Jacob hadn’t saved me that night and never rescued me, I’d be okay with that. I would absolutely go back and do that. So, taking shit from Jacob? I am okay with that, because I feel like Dancer’s hell is my fault.

Except, I’m not. Not really. Every word he says cuts my heart up. Every time he looks at me with disgust and hate in his eyes I want to cry out at the injustice of it all. I don’t. I don’t know what to do at this point.

We make it home without Jacob spewing any more of his anger at me. I am grateful. My hand hurts from the force of the blow my hand landed on his face. I make a fist to hold the pain in. He passed out on the ride back and it takes both Alexander and Bull to carry him inside. They place him on the couch. I shouldn’t care, but I get a blanket from the hall closet and drape it over him. He’s dead to the world and so far there doesn’t seem to be a sign of his usual nightmare. I sit down in the chair across from him, watching as he sleeps. Here like this, he seems a little like the old Jacob—the Jacob I hold close in my heart.

When I woke up earlier to find Nicole and Bull still here I wasn’t sure what to think. Then, Nicole told me what Dragon had done tonight and I panicked. I knew instantly that would be trouble. Dragon doing this pushed Jacob into a place he wasn’t ready to go. It was like watching an avalanche though, you know what’s coming, but there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. So I just waited.

Eventually, Alexander and Dragon showed up and from Dragon’s face, I figured things were worse than I imagined (which was pretty damn bad). I didn’t ask and they didn’t volunteer. Dragon took Nicole home and the rest of us just waited. Six called before I drove myself too insane and we set out to bring Jacob home.

Now, Bull’s gone and Alexander is in the other room supposedly sleeping. I should be. Instead, like a fool I’m sitting here watching Jacob sleep. I think maybe I’m standing guard to keep his nightmares at bay. I realize how stupid that is, but I can’t seem to help being stupid when it comes to Jacob.

I watch him silently. I have every angle and indention on his face memorized, but he seems softer in sleep. Like this, I’m reminded of the Jacob I fell in love with. In his dreamless sleep, he looks like the Jacob who found me alone, crying in the parking lot of my school. I had missed the bus and everyone was gone. I’d fallen asleep and apparently none of the staff or students missed me. I fell and skinned-up both my knees and the palms of my hands. Jacob had found me sitting on the concrete crying. He picked me up in his strong arms.

Dry those eyes Care Bear, I got you.

His gruff voice was soft and he used his thumb to wipe my tears away.

That memory morphs into another. This time it was when Jacob showed up at mine and Jazz’ prom to make sure we were okay. I hated high school, having never fit in. Jacob danced with the awkward, shy sixteen year old girl and instantly turned a horrible night into one I have always held dear. He took me in his arms and smiled down at me.

I want your first dance to be with me Care Bear, can’t have all these boys trying to steal my girl.

I remember the feeling of being in his arms and hearing those words wash over me. I want to go back there—back to the days when Jacob cared about me. I want to go back to the days before he was hurt.

I see glimpses of him. When he calls me Care Bear? When he made love to me there were moments it felt like he was right there with me. I know Nicole told me I would have to fight. I thought I could. I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can handle more of his hatred.

Sometimes the only thing to do is give up. Either that or hold on, I haven’t decided…my brain hasn’t told me which to do yet. I’m afraid it never will, because my heart keeps drowning it out. I love him, but maybe there is a limit to what love can truly endure?

I have all kinds of questions, I have no answers. I give up trying to figure it out and decide to go to bed. I go through the motions of taking off my makeup, brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. My mind is on auto-pilot. I feel broken.

I don’t know how long I’ve lain in bed. I must have dozed off because I wake up to sounds coming from the bathroom. I lie there hearing the shower shut off. Eventually, I hear water running into the sink. I’m about to go back out again, when I feel the bed shift. Jacob’s hand comes around my stomach. I try my best to hold myself solid. I ignore the way the heat from his body tries to invade mine.

“I’m sorry, Care Bear.”

Part of me, even now, wants to let it go. I can’t.

“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” He asks.

“I’ve nothing to say.”

“I’ve been dealing with shit Carrie, and I got drunk. I shouldn’t have.”

“I know, I just can’t handle being someone you hate. I thought I could, I was wrong. I need for you to go.” I’m honest this time. I might understand why he’s lashing out at me, but I don’t know if I can’t handle any more of it, not when there aren’t any signs of it changing.

“Baby, I said I’m sorry. Have I messed this up too much, Carrie?”

“I don’t even know what this is and I really don’t know why you care. You don’t even like me, Jacob.”

“This is the only time my brain finds any peace. I need you, Care Bear.”

“I’m just so tired.”

“It’s not an excuse, but Dragon brought shit up and I’m just…I need time, Carrie. I need time,” Jacob says rolling over on his back looking up at the ceiling. His voice is a mixture of pain and frustration.

“It’s fine. Move back in at the club while you figure things out.”

“No. I can’t stand being at the club it feels like the walls are closing in on me there.”

“Okay. Then I’ll move out in the morning,” I say as my heart breaks inside. I have come to view this house as home. It is stupid to get attached to it, but it seems I only do stupid stuff these days.

Jacob pulls me until I’m lying on my back beside him. He rolls to his side and lets his callused fingers dance gently over my shoulder and along the curve of my collarbone.

“I don’t want you to leave Care, I want you to stay with me.”

“Jacob…”

“Shh…baby. I was stupid. I took my anger out on you, but I didn’t truly mean it.”

“I can’t keep living like this Jacob, I love you, but I’m not your punching bag either.”

“Princess, I’d never hit you.”

“Words can hurt worse sometimes.”

“I’ll try and do better, I…I’m asking you not to leave, Carrie. I’m asking you for another chance.”

I deep breathe. It’s a hard choice, this is different. This is new. Jacob is asking me to stay with him. Jacob is trying to reach out. Is this a sign that he is healing? Am I being a fool and seeing things that aren’t really there? The questions go over in my head and I can’t concentrate though because Jacob is kissing the path his fingers made. They are light kisses, not really sexual, but they feel…important. They make me feel important. My eyes begin to close as I decide to give myself over to him. I may be all over the place right now, but I know, in this moment, I need Jacob. I need this connection with him. I need him.