I have a problem, and it’s a very big problem. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I should be telling Bull exactly where to go, not going along with this stupid game. Walter would be pissed, but he’d get over it. I don’t think he would fire me, I’m pretty sure he’d believe me. Except, I’ve already had two bad reports against me from Dr. Eldridge and Nurse Allen. Walter is the reason I’ve not really felt the heat from those. I know it’s because he wants more than a friendship with me. He’s become more and more insistent about that the last month. The sane thing to do would be to extricate myself from all of it. What’s the worst that could happen? So, maybe I’d have to go to another hospital to finish my residency. Would that really be so bad? I wanted London because I needed a town that was less stressful and busy. I needed a place where both Matty and I could be happy. London seemed like the answer to a prayer. Now, I’m not so sure.

Walter has been bad-tempered with me since we left Bull. In truth, he spoke down to me in the operating room. The other nurses and doctors were giving me strange looks, I know they picked up on it. I should have walked out, but I wanted to be there. I hope to specialize in cardiothoracic surgery. I have three more years of general surgical residency, and then I can actually spend my time learning the heart full time. In the meantime, I live for moments like the ones just thrown in my lap. I can’t just give them up. When I hold a heart in my hand and gently coax it back to beating, it’s a feeling I can’t describe.

I take off my surgery coverings and toss them in the bin. It’s beyond my break time, and after the bitchiness of the last two hours, I need some air.

“Dr. Walker, we should talk about what happened earlier.” I look around to see Walter standing by the door that leads into the operating room.

“It’s nothing. Trust me, it won’t happen again.”

He wants to talk further, I can see it in his expression, but the rest of the OR staff starts filing out, and I get to escape. I stop by my locker to shed my damn lab coat. I’m done for the night. I just need to get my head straight so I can drive home to Matty. I freeze when I see the note. This wasn’t what I needed tonight.

You’re too pure to be defiled—AW

What the hell does that mean? I wad it up in my hand. I should be glad I guess. Maybe that means rape isn’t on the weirdo’s radar. Maybe I should report it to the police? I make a note to go by hospital security again tomorrow.

Right now, I just need out of here. I start walking, and I don’t stop until I reach the door to the stairs. I’m taking big gulping breaths by the time I’m out on the roof. I bend over, grab my knees sucking air in, and try to slow my heartbeat.

How did I get here in my life? So many mistakes are behind me, the road is littered with them. That’s the real reason I’m terrified of Bull. I wasn’t lying. I can’t afford more mistakes, and Bull has the potential to be the one mistake I can’t recover from.

Thinking about my past always leads me back to the one thing in my life that altered my future and continues to do so. Matty means everything to me. I never meant to get pregnant at sixteen. It was one stupid night in the bed of an old Ford truck. Luke was the local football stud, and the most popular guy in the entire school. I thought I was lucky to have him look twice at me. We dated for a month, and I thought we were in love. When he took me out to the top of the mountain where kids went to party, I knew what it meant. He had thrown an old mattress in the back of the truck and we laid on it and talked for hours, gazing up at the stars. I thought I was ready for what came next. A failed rubber, a jock who later told me he had a hundred dollars riding on whether or not he could ‘bust my cherry’, and parents who disowned me, told me I wasn’t ready—not at all. Not even a little bit.

I walk over to the edge of the roof to look out over the evening sky and lights below. The sun is just starting to set, and the lights from the parking lot and businesses surrounding the hospital are coming on, one at a time. This is my favorite time of the day, and the scene below calms me. I need to call Blair, my neighbor, to check on Matty and tell him I’ll be home to tuck him in. It’s been hard putting myself through medical school, and now doing my residency with a young child. My late hours since starting my residency have definitely been the hardest part. I couldn’t do it without Blair and her husband David. They’re lifesavers, but I hate that I’m not there for Matty, like I need to be.

I turn away from the view. I need to walk back to my locker and get my phone. Just as I’m about to, Bull comes through the door. We stare at each other for what seems like forever. I don’t want to see him. Not here, not right now, and definitely not with my emotions still raw from the memory of our kiss.

“Hey, Doc,” he says, looking at me as if he has all of life’s mysteries solved. I think I could hate him a little at this moment. He’s managed to sneak past my defenses, and I can’t seem to push him back out. He gets to me like a man hasn’t in a long time. Hell, I’m lying. I doubt any man has ever gotten to me like he does. There hasn’t been a lot of room for men in my life. Still, what he pulled today, and the mess it’s made with Walter is huge.

Walter has been at me for months to go out with him. I have put him off, telling him Matty has to be my number one priority, and there’s just no time for anything left over. I know he’s going to ask me why I’ve been seeing another man, if I wasn’t ready to date. I need to run away from Bull, and yet, here I am glad to see him. You would think my past would have zapped all the stupidity out of me.

Apparently not.