Chapter Two
Alissa
November 28, Tuesday Afternoon
As I practiced the jaunty tune on my clarinet, I felt pretty good about myself. That was one of the things that drew me to music. I loved the way it could alter my mood into something completely different. If I was down, I could bring myself back up, and if I needed to be calm, I could do that, too. It gave me a sense of control in a very manic world.
Bang, bang, bang.
I paused and rolled my eyes as the thumping from the next room rang through the whole building. It only stopped for the occasional scream, which was delightful. This was the one thing I hated about living with roommates, but I couldn’t afford anything else, certainly not something by myself. Well, I could if I accepted money from my mother, but I never wanted to do that. She had more than enough power over me.
I paused for a moment until the noise stopped, but just as I got started again, my phone beeped, alerting me to a voicemail message. I didn’t know who could it possibly be, but I didn’t prepare myself even for a second for it to be her.
“Hello, Alissa.” Oh God, my mother’s sneering voice burst through my phone, making my heart stop dead in my chest. As I grew older, it seemed my mom had less and less nice things to say to me, and that only got worse when she remarried to Jacob Stone.
“I am still in California, not that you give a shit since you don’t ever bother to call me.” Oh God, she was drunk. That was marvellous. She was about to get real nasty. “How are things going in that shitty little apartment you live in? Jacob tells me you want to live there, which I highly doubt. Of course, I know what you’re up to.”
Wonderful. We were going down this route again. Instead of hanging up like I probably should have, I carried on about my business while I listened. I packed away my clarinet and fiddled with the stack of paper sitting on my desk.
“You want him for yourself. You’re a sick little girl who wants her step-daddy for herself. Do you know how messed up that sounds? Then again, you haven’t ever had morals, have you? I probably wouldn’t either, if I was as worthless and ugly as you.”
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, wondering if she was right. My hair was a little lank and my skin tired. Maybe I’d become a bit too curvy recently, but she didn’t even know that. I hadn’t seen her in forever.
“You’re not going to get him, though, he’s mine forever. You’ll never get your hands on him or his money. I doubt he even likes you.”
Now that didn’t seem fair; we had a fairly pleasant relationship. I didn’t see any issues there. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to hurt me so badly.
“You were not even worth ruining my perfect figure. Wait until you have a baby, you’ll see...”
I gave up listening to it all and decided to focus on the highlights instead. I got the gist now; she just wanted to be a bitch to me. What else was new?
“...at least your ‘fake boyfriend’ kept you away from Jacob for a while...”
“...you don’t even know the things that I’ve done for you. I’ve never known a child as ungrateful for you...”
“...I, er, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving... Or maybe I don’t, who gives a shit? At least, I won’t have to see you at Christmas...”
That was enough for me. I didn’t even care where she’d be at Christmas. I hung up the phone and fell into panting breaths. However, much I told myself that I wouldn’t ever let her get to me again, she always managed to do it. My thick skin turned paper thin around her.
Just as the tears were about to explode from my eyes, I burst out from my bedroom and into the living room to run smack into a very tall man with a shaved head and tattoos covering most of his body – most of which were on display since he had no shirt on. I couldn’t stop my blood from running ice cold; this man had an utterly terrifying appearance. He looked like he could crush me like a bug, but I did know him.
“Hey, Brad,” I muttered awkwardly. “Sorry I didn’t realize you were here.”
He gave me a wicked smirk because he knew as well as I did that he hadn’t exactly been quiet while having what I could imagine was very animalistic sex with my roommate, Elle. The banging and screaming gave it all away. They were loud, and apparently, he didn’t care.
“Yeah, okay,” he grunted back at me. “Whatever you say.” He slugged back the milk from the fridge as if he’d brought it rather than me, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to confront him about it.
I didn’t get a terrible impression of him; he certainly wasn’t as terrible as Elle’s ex-boyfriend – I’d hated having him around – but I still couldn’t ever think around him. He made me embarrassingly nervous. Elle seemed to have a thing for big, beefy, scary men who were obviously good in bed. It must have been the great sex that drew her in.
“Oh, hey, Alissa!” Elle cried from her room. “How was music practice? You’re starting to sound positively good!”
The fact that they’d been listening to me while humping was a little unbearable, but I tried my best not to let that show on my face. “Oh, thanks,” I muttered back. “I think I’m getting there.”
“Are you alright?” My horrible voicemail from my mother had tainted my voice enough for Elle to notice. “You sound...”
As she peered out from her bedroom doorframe in only a pink satin bra and pajama bottoms, she narrowed her eyes. I could never understand how Elle thought that I was the prettiest of the two. I was plain and boring, whereas Elle was cute and elfish-like...all the boys wanted to be with her.
“You look...” She didn’t say upset, but the word clung to the air. “Brad, I think it’s time for you to go.”
“Oh, but...” he grunted.
“No, Brad, I’ll call you later, okay?” She gave him a pointed look, which he finally seemed to accept. He didn’t look very happy as he grabbed his shirt and shoes, but he did it anyway. Despite being petite, Elle still had control over these terrifying men. Maybe that was the appeal.
“Sorry about all the noise,” she murmured as Brad clicked the door shut behind him. “I hope we didn’t disturb you.”
Yes! I thought.
“No,” I answered. “Not at all.”
I smiled thinly at her, but it didn’t take long for my mouth to twist downwards. I was in a situation no one understood. Everyone I knew had families that loved them, that truly wanted to spend time with them. No one had mothers who spoke to them as if they were dirt at the bottom of her shoe. I didn’t even know what I’d done to deserve it. I was good. I didn’t do anything too crazy or embarrassing. Mom just hated me for no reason whatsoever.
“Uh oh,” Elle started. “I only know one person who can make you look like that. What has she done now?”
“Just another delightful voicemail.” I hit the play button and flinched as the harsh words rang out once more. Somehow, they managed to hit me even harder the second time around and to hear them again dug an even deeper pit in my heart.
“Oh well, at least she’s going to be in Europe for the next few months.” Elle found the positive by listening to parts that I hadn’t heard. “You don’t have to see the bitch for ages.”
“I don’t honestly see her, anyway,” I replied as tears filled my eyes. “It’s just the communication that gets to me. I wish I could just cut her off completely, that I could just block her number, but there’s always something that stops me. I keep thinking that she’s my mom, and I should be there for her no matter what.”
Elle pulled me in for a hug, having heard this a million times before. She had given up on trying to get me to cut my mom out of my life because I had the weird fear that something bad would happen to her the moment that I did. “It’ll all be okay,” she reassured me. “I doubt you’ll hear from her for a while now. You can just carry on being the wonderful person you are.”
Wonderful...yeah right.
I tried my best not to voice my negative thoughts because they were constant and annoying. I didn’t want Elle to know just how crazy all of this truly made me.
“You know, maybe you should get laid,” she teased into my hair. “It makes you feel better; you can trust me on that one.”
“Ha-ha, yes, I know,” I replied wryly. “You sound like you’re having the time of your life with Brad.”
“Yeah well, he might not be the most romantic guy or someone that other people would choose, but he does the job.”
“I’m not looking for a new man right now,” I insisted. “Not after what happened with Luke at the beginning of the year.”
“Ah, Luke...what an asshole that guy was.” Elle’s face hardened as she pulled back away from me. She hated what had happened to me more than I did. “If I could see him now...”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I tried to defend him for some unknown reason. “That was all my mom, too.”
“Yeah, that bitch made your step-dad pass some asshole to ‘be your boyfriend,’ and Luke agreed to it; just to keep the other guys away from you. That’s fucked up, and he was a part of it.”
My heart ached at the memory of Luke. He had been my first real boyfriend. I was always pretty sheltered before then. With his olive skin and dark, twinkly eyes, I instantly fell under his spell. His focus felt like the sun was shining on me, and I didn’t feel so bad about myself.
If only for a short while.
My mother waited until I lost my virginity to him until I was deep in love before she pulled the plug on the project. I had thought that we had something between us. I was so infatuated that I wouldn’t have even minded how he came into my life by the time I found out.
It was the fact that he left me so quickly, with just a click of my mom’s fingers that killed me the most. Of course, that was what she was banking on. Another way to obliterate me.
I was a late bloomer, waiting until I was twenty-three before having sex, and I got I got my heart completely shattered. There was no coming back from that. I had tried to move past it, but even though I was completely over him, the situation still crushed me.
“You don’t have to marry the guy!” Elle insisted as she walked into our small kitchen to flick the kettle on. “Just have some fun; it isn’t hard.”
Have some fun. I wasn’t sure I was cut out to do that with a guy. “I don’t think I can, Elle, you know me.” I curled my knees up under my chin as fear raced through me. “I just don’t think I’m cut out for it.”
“I can show you the way,” she smirked. “You don’t have to worry about that.”