Chapter Thirty-Eight
Lila (2 Weeks Later)
It was safe to say that my second time in the treatment room wasn’t as good as the first one. Not only were the drugs making me feel much sicker this time, I had the trademark scarf around my head to disguise the big naked patch.
The very next day, I’d noticed bunches of my hair falling out in the shower, tearing my heart out of my chest. I had known that it was going to happen, I’d been expecting it, but it was much harder than I thought it was going to be.
I sobbed, I actually fell apart, but as I raced into the front room to ask Xander for advice, I found Kyle instead. He told me to shave it before it all fell out, giving me total control over my looks or as much control as I could manage. It was crazy, but it made sense in a strange way. I went along with him because I wanted to ensure that I was the one who took my hair away, not this awful disease.
At the time, it had seemed like a good idea. It was only afterward, when I stared at my bald head in the mirror that I wasn’t so sure.
“How you doing, missy?” Leanne, the sassy nurse, called out to me. “You feeling like shit?” I loved her. She was so different from the other medical staff: she told it like it was. She was the only one I felt any kind of bond with. “You look a little pale.”
“I’m all right,” I croaked back, forcing myself into a straighter sitting position. “Fed up of being in here.” I’d told Xander to meet me later in the treatment this time because the endless hours in this room were boring as hell. I had to go through it, but he didn’t.
“Yeah, I bet.” She sat in the chair next to me and patted my hand. “But you know, it won’t be forever, right? You caught the cancer quickly. There’s a very good chance this is going to work. I’ve seen a lot of people come through here, so I can usually tell the signs.”
“I know I can get through it.” I tried my best to keep up the brave tone, even though it was cracking. I needed to remain strong. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I was trying my best to act like a rock so no one would know how much this all hurt. It didn’t always work, there were times when it fell apart, but I was doing my absolute best. “It just sucks right now.”
“You’re damn right you will; you’re a tough bitch. I’ve never seen anyone brave enough to shave their hair off already – you’re taking control of this. If anyone can kick cancer’s ass, then you can.”
I smiled up at her gratefully, her words building me up stronger than before. Maybe I could do this, maybe I’d soon be looking back on this part of my life as a distant memory. If that was the case, then I could get through this. If I focused on the positive future, this wouldn’t feel so awful.
“Yeah, you’re right. I can do this, thank you.”
As she stood up and made her way around the room, spreading the same sort of joy to other people going through the same trauma as me, I couldn’t help but smile a little bit. I felt like death warmed up, I was still very bald and nowhere near the end of this, but at the same time, Leanne had me feeling a little more positive.
And then Xander burst into the room, warming up my chest even more. “Oh, hey.” I grinned at him brightly before glancing at the clock up on the wall. “You’re early... and you’re wearing a baseball cap?” I’d only ever seen him looking smart. Even when he was dressed down, he looked smart, so this was a moment for the books. “What’s going on?”
Before I got my answer, Kyle came in, also wearing a hat, and finally Sadie, the cute girl from the orphanage. I stared at them all in turn, narrowing my eyes in confusion. Clearly, I was missing something huge, but the fog filling my brain on account of the drugs was making it very difficult.
Then Xander slid down his hat, Kyle removed his, and Sadie unraveled her head scarf, revealing three very bald heads.
“Oh... my... God, what did you do?” I squealed like a crazy person. “Are you guys serious?”
“We want to look like you.” Sadie smiled, before moving closer to me. “I miss you, Lila.”
“Oh, I miss you, too. I wish that I could get up to hug you, but I have all these needles in my arm.” I cocked my head sadly in her direction. “But you look super cute with no hair. I can’t believe you did that!” Then I looked up at Kyle and Xander, my heart cracking even more. How could I feel bad about any of this when I had such an awesome support group? “You all look so awesome.”
“Well, we didn’t want you to feel alone.” Xander shrugged and grinned, before moving into the chair where Leanne had been sitting only moments before. “And actually, I kinda like it. I think I might keep my hair this way all the time.”
That caused a laugh to burst free from my chest, a sound that I hadn’t heard from myself in a very long time. It felt good to joke and be happy, especially when things were so bleak.
“Me, too. Me, too!” I smiled down at Sadie, seeing so much of myself reflected in her.
I felt so sad for her that she was in the care system. She deserved so much better than that. At least when I had been there, I’d had Kyle with me. Sadie was all by herself. I wanted to reach my arms out to her, to hold her close. I wanted to take her into my arms and into my life the whole time. If only I wasn’t stuck in this crappy situation, then maybe I’d work out how to do that...
“Yeah, I think it’ll suit my new rock image!” Kyle said.
“What?” I turned to Kyle, realizing how out of touch we’d gotten recently. It wasn’t on purpose, but it made me feel bad all the same. “Something you aren’t telling me?”
“Oh, I’ve been recording some music for an experimental rock band,” he replied, raising his eyebrows at me. “So, yeah, I’m totally a rock star now.”
“He even has groupies,” Xander confided in me as I chuckled. “One in particular, but I’m sure you’ll get to learn more about her soon enough.”
“Oh, my God, how much have I missed? This is all so nuts.” I’d been so sick, and although that was working to make me better, I couldn’t help but hate that I didn’t know everything anymore. Maybe I was a little more of a control freak than I’d realized. Maybe it was hard to let go...
Kyle suddenly looked a little uncomfortable, ready to run the hell out of here. “Sadie and I are going to get drinks and snacks. We’ll see you in a little bit.”
I watched them intently as they left the room, my heartrate beating a little faster. Something was going on here, I just had no idea what.
“Okay, spill the beans,” I insisted to Xander. “You’re all acting weird. Something is going on here, and I want to know what.”
“It’s about Sadie.”
That instantly had me sitting up straighter in my seat. “Oh, God, is she okay? I love that kid. It’s bad enough that she’s stuck in foster care, she isn’t sick, too, is she?” Suddenly images of her stuck in the same boat as me started flowing through my brain, making me feel sick. What if the head shaving was more about her than me?
“Well, actually, the fact that she’s in foster care is what I wanted to talk to you about.” Xander sighed deeply, and his face burst into a smile.
“I don’t think that she should be a foster child anymore, and I think you feel the same way. Of course, we’d both love to save everyone, but that isn’t possible.”
“Wait.” I held my hands up to stop him talking. “Please be aware that I have a lot of drugs pumping into my system. Not everything makes sense to me. Can you explain it a little clearer?” I had no idea where he was going with any of this.
“Okay, sure.” He nodded slowly, looking like he was gearing himself up. “I adopted Sadie.”
Adopted? Sadie? Is he serious?
It took a moment for my brain to adjust. I just didn’t know how to take any of this information in, but soon the confusion was replaced with sheer joy. I’d never considered having children, but now that Xander had adopted one and we were in a committed relationship, that kinda forced me into the motherly position.
“Are you serious?” I gasped out, finally making words come out of my mouth. “That’s amazing. Is she going to come and live with us?”
“She sure is; she’s already picked out her bedroom. I thought that we could take her out this weekend to get some stuff to decorate.”
“I just can’t believe that you did all of this. How did you manage it without me knowing? I mean, I’m so happy, and I can’t wait to help Sadie to settle in... but I just can’t see how you did it.”
“Well, you’ve been sleeping a lot, and Kyle helped me.” His face was shining with happiness, his eyes glowing with love. “Oh, God, I’m so glad you like the surprise. Just before we walked in here, I freaked out and worried that you would get mad at me for doing something so sneaky and huge behind your back.”
“Of course not!”
Before I could say too much more, the door burst open and a very excitable Sadie came running back through the door. From the look on Kyle’s face, he’d been trying to hold her back for too long now. “Do you know now, Lila?” she asked happily.
“I know you’re coming to live with me. Isn’t that awesome?”
“I can’t wait.” She grabbed my arm and cuddled into it, totally ignoring all the tubes sticking out of it. “I get a new bedroom.”
I pulled her in as close as I could, opening my heart up to her. I loved the feeling of releasing my love to her, of expanding the size of my family. It made me feel special and worthwhile. Even more so than having a singing career... I’d thought that made me feel good about myself, but this was something else.
“You’re going to love living with me and Xander,” I whispered gently into her ear. “We’re going to give you the best life ever.” I was already so on board with this, envisioning us growing as a family. Xander and I were already solid, but this made everything a forever more kind of deal, and I was totally comfortable with that. Ecstatic, even.
This was the start of the next chapter of my life. I could get through all of this easily. I could make it now, knowing what the future held for me, and none of it felt so bad knowing I had people waiting for me on the other side.
Cancer was about to have its butt well and truly kicked!