Chapter Thirty-Two
Lila (Wednesday)
I could feel Kyle’s desperation to talk emanating off him in waves, but he wasn’t about to make the first move. He wanted me to bring it up first, and there wasn’t a chance in hell of that.
I’d made my decision, and that was the end of it. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed for me, and that was that. There wasn’t anything he could say to make me change my mind. He could sit in that chair, giving me that look for as long as he wanted, and it wouldn’t change a thing.
I mean, did he think that I liked sending Xander away? Did he assume that I wanted to end the best relationship of my whole damn life like that?
I felt like I was falling in love with Xander. If things were different, we could’ve ended up together forever, but then this got in the way and changed everything. I couldn’t ask him to stick with me through cancer treatments. That wasn’t fair. I was doing the right thing for him, as much as myself.
Okay, so it hurt like hell, but it was done now. There was no turning back. I’d asked Xander to leave, he’d gone, and I hadn’t heard anything since.
“So, have we had any bills come through since I’ve been locked away in here?” I asked lamely. I just needed some sort of conversation to kick off, to stop this awful tension from floating through the air. “Anything I need to worry about?”
“I can cope on my own, you know? Now that we actually have money in the bank, I can figure it all out alone. Yes, we’ve had some bills, but I’ve paid them.” He shot me a look under his eyelashes. “You shouldn’t be worrying about stuff like that, not while you’re in here. Just trust me, okay?”
“I do trust you.” I sat up straighter, wincing as pain burst into my chest. It wasn’t as bad as it had been when I first got to the hospital, but I was definitely still fragile. “It isn’t that. You just know that I’ve been taking care of things for so long. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the control.”
“Lila, you aren’t going to be living with me forever. There will be a time when you live somewhere else, and me, too. You need to know that I can cope with things, all right? I know you worry a lot, and I understand that’s because we’ve always only ever had each other, but I’m okay.” He held my hand in his and smiled brightly at me. “I’m just as much of an adult as you.”
I felt a wide range of emotions welling up in my chest at that moment, and I started to see Kyle as a man. It wasn’t like I ever mothered him as such, but maybe I did take too much care of him, maybe I always assumed the responsibility fell on me without even recognizing it.
He was right. He could cope with life. I needed to let him take responsibility for himself. One day, we would live apart. That was becoming increasingly obvious with everything that had happened recently.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to worry.” My eyes welled up as a mix of pride and sadness overcame me. I’d never wanted to be apart from Kyle as a child, and I couldn’t see that ever happening as an adult, either. “I guess I just can’t help myself.”
“Sis, I will always appreciate everything that you’ve done for us. You kept us afloat when it seemed impossible; there was no way I could’ve done that. But for now, I just want you to worry about getting better.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, pulling him in for a hug. “You have to be the best brother ever.”
Before I could say anymore, before I could get emotional, the door swung open and in stepped the doctor. Kyle immediately stepped backward and stood up straighter, as if he was expecting the worst. I wasn’t sure why. To be honest, after the initial diagnosis, things had been pretty good. I still had the cancer, but the medication I was on seemed to be impacting on that in a positive way.
I was seeing the up side anyway, just to stop myself from falling apart.
“Hello there, Lila.” The doctor smiled at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“Not bad, thank you.” Okay, I was seeing the positive, but there was still a little edge to my tone. “Is... everything okay?”
“Actually...” She flipped open the chart and examined it closely. “Things are good. We’re pleased with your progress, and your body is responding very well to the treatment. So…” Her eyes flicked up to meet mine. “I think that we can discharge you today. You’ll still have to come in for regular outpatient appointments so we can keep track of things, but on the whole, there isn’t any point in us keeping you any longer.”
“Oh, my God, really?” I gasped excitedly. The thought of going home was so appealing. After being stuck in this boring, white room forever, all I desired was to be among my home comforts. “That’s amazing news, thank you.”
“I’ll have to get the discharge forms filled in and signed off by another doctor, but yes. I can’t see any reason for you to stay.”
I glanced at Kyle happily, immediately feeling a whole lot better. The power of the word “home” was overwhelming. At this rate, I’d be back up on my feet in no time!
“Now, there’s just the matter of the bill...” She glanced down at her notes, and my heart raced like crazy. I’d been here for ages – there was no way that this would be affordable. Even with our newfound fortune, there wasn’t a hope in hell we’d be able to pay it off. Maybe with some sort of payment plan...
“Oh, no, don’t worry, it’s already been covered. Now, I’ll be back to see you in a while.”
Paid off? What the hell? I glanced over to where Kyle was standing, just to find him looking as confused as I felt. If he hadn’t paid this off, then who could it be?
Of course. There was only one person who could have done this. I knew that. I just didn’t know how to feel about it.
***
“Well, that took hours!” I exclaimed as we finally made it through the door to our apartment. “But I’m so glad to be home.”
“Just don’t forget what the doctor told you before you left,” Kyle warned, his protective side shining back through. “Take it easy. You haven’t come back home to fall right back into life and the way you acted before. You need to rest up, drink lots of water, take all of your meds at the right time...”
“I know, I know,” I chuckled as I fell back onto the couch. “I’ll do whatever I can not to end up back there. It was awful.”
Kyle moved into the kitchen, and I could hear him flick the coffee on. “So…” His tone was overly innocent, which made me sit up straighter in my seat. He was about to say something that I wasn’t going to like, I just knew it. “That was pretty crazy, huh? Your bill being paid off. I wonder who did that?”
I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. He knew as well as I did who that was. This was just his way of bringing up the topic I was trying so hard to avoid. It was time to tackle it though; there was no holding back anymore.
“We both know it was Xander,” I told him warningly. “But that doesn’t change anything. I’ll pay him back when I can.”
“But don’t you think that was nice of him?” Something about Kyle’s patronizing tone of voice wound me up. This was my life, my choice, I didn’t need all these guys telling me what to do.
“I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t want him to pay for any of it.” I was being snippy now, but I couldn’t help it. I was pissed!
Kyle brought me a coffee and sat on the chair opposite me, smiling a little sadly at me. “I know you didn’t, but I think that Xander just wanted to help out. He cares about you, you know that. He cares about you so much.”
“That doesn’t mean I have to take him through this awkward time with me.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
“Even if he wants to?” Kyle looked incredulous now, like he didn’t get me at all. “If I’m honest, I think what you did was wrong. I don’t think you should’ve sent him away. You made him leave, and now look... you aren’t even in the hospital anymore.”
“No, but I still have to have treatment. This isn’t over.” I moved myself into an upright position, my temper flaring. Maybe Kyle wasn’t meaning to hurt me and make me mad, but I felt that way all the same. “This is my choice. I have to do what’s right for me.”
“I don’t mean to upset you...” Kyle called out behind me, but it was too late. I was already making my way into my bedroom where I could stew in peace.
As I slammed the door behind me, my blood was still boiling, frustration tearing through my system. It hadn’t been an easy decision to make with Xander, and I didn’t need it questioned. Just because Kyle thought that he understood, didn’t make it true. I had to do it. I needed to make the tough decision – one of us had to. Maybe I’d end up regretting it... In fact, I already felt that way. But I still had to stick to it.
I paced the room for a while, just trying to cool myself down before I did something stupid. While I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about that damn bill.
Xander knew that we were struggling, but it still didn’t feel like a charity gesture from him. I was familiar enough with him now to know that he wouldn’t do it because he felt sorry for us. He was just doing what he thought was right, what he assumed I needed. And, he did all that after I told him to leave.
I was grateful and confused all at once. I didn’t know what to do. Even as I picked up my cell phone and considered calling him to say thank you, I couldn’t quite do it. If I called him, if I opened up that line of communication again, then I risked him coming over here.
It had been difficult enough to reject him the first time. I wasn’t sure I could do it again. He made me feel weak. Whenever he was even in the same room as me, all I wanted to do was reach out and hug him, kiss him, and be in his arms.
I ran my fingers over his name on the screen, my heart thundering like crazy in my chest as I did. I was full of indecision, too scared to act and too afraid not to. It was safe to say that I was a mess, and the only person I could talk to about this, the only person I could guarantee would give me some solid advice, I’d yelled at and stormed away from because I didn’t want to hear it.
I glanced toward the door and forced myself to swallow my pride. I needed Kyle right now, more than I ever had before, I was going to just have to suck it up and hear him out. I didn’t have to agree with him, but I could at least listen to his opinion on my life.