Chapter Eighteen
Alissa
December 19, Tuesday Afternoon
I lay back on the couch with my laptop across my lap as I trawled the web for musical auditions. After seeing the opera and truthfully getting inspired over the weekend, I wanted to roll with it and to start looking again. Cade had given me an emotional inspiration that I wanted to take far. I kept picturing myself up on the stage playing, and the image wasn’t as terrifying as it used to be. I could almost visualize it becoming true.
“How’s it going?” Elle sleepily asked as she padded across the apartment. “You alright?”
“I didn’t even know you were here!” I pushed myself into a sitting position and stared wide-eyed at her. “I thought you were at work or something.”
“No, I cancelled my shift because I was supposed to have an audition this afternoon, but I’m not going.”
“What?” That was the weirdest thing I’d ever heard her say. She was so fiercely ambitious; she went to every audition possible looking for her big break. “What’s going on? Why not? Did they cancel it or something?”
She poured herself a drink and turned to face me with a slightly dejected look on her face. “I don’t know; it’s just one of those that I know I won’t get.” She shrugged and looked towards the ground. “I guess I’ve decided to minimize my rejection for a while. It’s starting to crush me a bit.”
“Oh my God, Elle. I didn’t know you were feeling this way.” It felt deadly serious. I didn’t like to see my friend this way, and it made me feel bad. Had I been so self-involved that I missed something? “Is there anything I can do?”
“No, no, it’s just...it’s just a moment. I’ll get over it.” She sat down next to me and peered at my screen. “What are you doing? Are you looking for auditions?”
“Erm...” I slammed the laptop shut. It felt insensitive to talk about my life when Elle was having a crisis. “Sort of, but we don’t have to talk about me.”
“No, we do. I don’t want to wallow because I’ll be okay soon enough. Tell me all about what you’re looking for.”
“I was just taking a glance at some more smaller, local outfits to see if there’s any I might fit in. I don’t know; I might not go for it. I’m still not totally over what happened at the last one, but I have to get myself back out there. I’m just trying to figure out where to start.”
“Yeah, you do.” She stood up rapidly, and she walked towards her bedroom. “That’s a good plan. I’m the same...”
I desperately wanted to call out to her, to bring her back to me while I figured out what was wrong, but this was brand new territory for me. I hadn’t ever seen Elle in any other mood than pushing forwards. I always considered her as almost blinded to what was going on around her because her gaze stayed fixed on the end goal. It seemed like she needed some time alone right now, and I really wanted to respect that.
Maybe once she seemed a little less morose, I would speak to her about it then.
“I’m right here if you need any help with anything...” I called out, but Elle didn’t answer me. She didn’t exactly slam her bedroom door in my face, but that was how it felt.
I vowed to myself that I’d be more attentive to her in the future, just in case there was something that I could’ve done sooner. I hated to imagine that I’d been so wrapped up in my misery, and in Cade that I hadn’t spotted her getting dejected with her acting career. She would make it in the end – I knew that, and she did, too. I hoped.
I grabbed my laptop and made my way into my bedroom to carry on with my research. I didn’t want to stop with my mission to get myself going, especially when there wasn’t anything I could do to help Elle right now, but I also didn’t want to do it right in front of her. In the privacy of my bedroom, I could keep moving things forward.
Once I had the door shut behind me, I crashed onto my bed and opened the laptop again. Only this time I wasn’t quite as into looking for orchestra jobs. Something about Elle’s pensive mood left me a little put out by everything. The enthusiasm just wasn’t the same, so instead, I looked up the other passion I currently had in my life: Cade Stone.
I immediately found one of his social media profiles and scrolled through his photographs. There were a few of him on his own, some were with friends, and a few with his arm around random girls. Weirdly, those pictures didn’t make me feel jealous at all. He wasn’t giving any of those girls that intense look he gave me.
As I looked at him, my heart fluttered and leaped with all kinds of emotions. I sincerely felt like I was falling far too deeply, far too quickly for him, but it was damn near impossible not to. Not only was he gorgeous, but he was charming, too. There was something about the sweet way he treated me that made me feel incredible. I hadn’t ever been made to feel that way before, and it was utterly intoxicating.
I couldn’t help myself. I traced my finger down his cheek on the image on my screen remembering everything about the incredible night we shared together. The kisses we had shared before were a warm up act to the real thing. He was phenomenal in bed. I didn’t think it’d feel so good, and I didn’t think I’d be so desperate to do it again.
I lay my head back on the pillow and smiled to myself as I recalled Cade’s touch and the dirty words he whispered into my ear. That experience taught me more about myself and what I liked than the short time I shared with Luke ever had.
On impulse, I twisted over in my bed and tugged out the bottom drawer in my nightstand. I’d filled it with all the things that I never wanted to look at again, I never thought I’d get to a place where I’d be strong enough to deal with that again, yet I’d just done it. No fuss, no drama, no tears. I just turned in the bed and opened it.
The first thing I spotted was a photograph of me and Luke, which admittedly send a little chill racing up and down my spine as I pulled it closer to look at it. Seeing it now, it was evident how one sided it was. I had my arms flung around him, and my eyes were mooning as I stared up at his face. Luke wasn’t even looking at me, or at the camera. His eyes were strung blankly over the top as if he was searching for something.
I guess he always was, the whole time we were together.
With a deep sigh, I shredded the photograph and tossed it in the garbage. Even though Luke hurt me deeply, I hadn’t been able to get rid of any of this stuff. My excuse was that I wanted to keep the memory of what I thought was my first love, but I suppose I assumed that we’d get back together. Despite everything he’d done to me, sadly, I still wanted him.
But not anymore...or so it seemed.
I smiled brightly to myself as I got rid of one of the more prominent Luke-related memories. That night had been our three-month anniversary and when I was at my happiest. I thought that I was so lucky, that I’d met the man I was going to marry. Letting go of that fantasy had been one of the hardest things.
Shedding that now was freeing, and my heart lifted. I knew it was all to do with Cade. I didn’t want to give a man that much power over me, but there was no denying how much he’d changed me. I loved the way he treated me like I was worthwhile, I enjoyed the way he related to my moods in a positive, helpful way. He was perfect for me.
Not that I was getting carried away or anything. It was all just fun; I hadn’t forgotten that. We couldn’t be together properly and tell our parents. My mom would have a freaking field day, and I didn’t think Jacob would like it one bit. I didn’t want to go too far, so maybe it was best that I think of him as perfect for now.
Okay, maybe I was getting a little bit ahead of myself, but not too much...
As Cade’s name filled my cell phone screen and it started ringing, I wondered if he had some kind of sixth sense that I was thinking about him. Maybe our bond ran so deep that he got tingles when he was on my mind.
“Hello?” I answered happily.
“Hi, Alissa, it’s Cade.” As if, I didn’t know. “How’s your day? Have you been up to much?”
When he asked, I felt like he genuinely wanted to know the answer. He wasn’t just asking the question for something to say, which gave me more confidence in answering it. “I’m great, thank you. I’ve been looking for orchestra auditions online.”
“Have you found anything?” My chest swelled with a warm pride at how excited he seemed.
“Not yet, but something will come up. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, I’m just glad that our night out has inspired you! That’s really great; you deserve some positive steps when it comes to your music career.”
“Thank you,” I chuckled. “How are things going with you?”
“You mean, have I found my passion yet? No, it hasn’t quite happened today.”
I bit down on my lip to try and contain the bright smile that threatened to spread across my face. “Oh, that is a shame,” I teased. “Never mind, there’s always tomorrow!”
“About tomorrow... Do you think you might like to come out to dinner with me? I’ve just had this awesome place recommended to me, and I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d rather take.”
“Oh wow, well, how can I refuse an offer like that? It sounds wonderful.” I wouldn’t have said no even if he didn’t put it in such a sweet way. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
“I haven’t been able to think about anything else.” That confession seemed to come out of nowhere, and the spontaneous nature of it touched me deeper than if he’d planned to say it.
“No, me neither.” My pulse raced as I spoke with honesty, it felt so refreshing to reveal so much of myself. I wasn’t sure why Cade made it so easy to be myself when no one else ever had. “I look forward to it then.”
“I shall pick you up at seven, and we’ll go from there okay?”
“Perfect, see you then. Goodnight.”
“Sweet dreams.” Oh, I knew I would. After speaking to Cade, I would undoubtedly dream about him which was bound to be great, especially since I knew a lot more about him now. I probably wouldn’t want to wake up!
As we hung up the phone, I wanted to scream with happiness. Maybe I would’ve done if it wasn’t for Elle and her sad mood. I didn’t want to rub my joy in her face, even if it was the first good thing to happen in a very long time. For now, I would just keep it all for me.